Here’s a little somethin’ to start your morning off right: I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself on a serene beach. No, really. Just do it. The sun warm on your face, a salty breeze, the faint cry of seagulls and surf in the backdrop of your mind. Are we there yet? Okay, good. Now I want you to conjure up the image of Pete Doherty’s nipples. Puffy and pink, surrounded by moles and the occasional wayward sprig of hair. Okay, now imagine they’re chapped. Drink it all in like a fine port — swirl it around in your metaphorical glass and breathe in the heady bouquet of puss and flaking areolas. Lastly, imagine them nestled like bleeding bird eggs inside his girlfriend’s Cross Your Heart. Voila! — instantaneous bliss. You can thank me later. According to Female First

Pete Doherty is wearing his girlfriend’s bras to protect his “sore nipples”. The troubled Babyshambles rocker is in training for this year’s Flora London Marathon [and] complains his T-shirts are chafing his chest. [Doherty] has been borrowing 19-year-old model Portia Freeman’s padded underwear to ease the pain.

A source said: “He’s really serious about kicking drugs and this is really testing his will power and giving him a goal. All that is putting him off are his amazingly sore nipples, but Portia’s underwear is really helping.”

The only thing that could possibly be worse than Pete Doherty’s chapped nipples is maybe an oozing boil on Blake Fielder-Civil’s taint, but I’m going to save myself the trip and let you take the mental escape there yourself. You can just send me a postcard instead.