You’ve heard of Moby Dick, Captain Ahab’s ultimate undoing, that infamous white whale. Now meet the brown version. Just call me Ishmael!

Mariah with husband Nick Cannon on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht in Cannes this weekend:

At the behest of his producers, Russell Crowe shed the nearly forty pounds he put on for “Body of Lies” for his upcoming title role as Robin Hood. Insiders say the weight loss was mandated by studio execs after “Robin Hood: Prince of Cheese Dumplings” failed to resonate with test audiences.

Before:

After:

Jessica Simpson’s extra 20 pounds aren’t the result emotional eating and abject desperation — turns out it was all Daddy’s idea. According to MSNBC

Let’s remember how well weight gain-and-loss stories sell magazines.

“She’s loving it,” said a source close to Simpson, who [says] her weight gain is strategic. “It will probably get her back on covers right when she is a ’supporting’ act on tour. I bet Joe (Simpson) has already sold the weight-loss story.”

Boy, talk about getting your money’s worth out of a girl! Maybe next Joe Simpson can wring her out like an old dish cloth, hang her buy her ankles and give her a good shaking and see if any loose change falls out. I’d mention rummaging through her orifices, but I figure he already took care of that when she hit puberty. Ooh, Daddy likey!