Jessica Biel’s lame movie Powder Blue (better known as “the one where she gets her kit off”) was originally scheduled for a triumphant four-and-a-half week theatrical run, during which it would no doubt have finally garnered Biel the Oscar of which she has so oft been robbed.  And by that I mean it would have opened on 17 screens nationwide and made approximately $36/day (including refreshment revenue) because the only people who would go see it would be homeless men with no pants using the money someone put in their mugs at the bus station.  I guess a little birdie finally explained this complicated math to studio execs, because Powder Blue is now going straight to DVD.  From Page Six:

Jessica Biel — one of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world — has had bad luck with her latest movies, and hasn’t been seen on the big screen since “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” two years ago. Not even scenes of Biel dancing topless as a stripper in “Powder Blue” — co-starring Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow — could get the somber drama a theatrical release. “Powder Blue” is going straight to DVD in June. “Easy Virtue,” based on the Noel Coward play, features Biel as an American divorcée who has a whirlwind romance and marriage to an Englishman, and will get a limited release by Sony on May 22. Most of Biel’s fans will have to wait a few months to see her in “Nailed,” in which she plays a waitress whose brain is accidentally punctured by a nail gun, resulting in weird, lusty behavior with DC lawmaker Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jessica Biel needs to just give up now and become a stripper for realsies.  Or a waitress.  Or a stripping waitress.  Without makeup she looks like something that clawed its way out of a hell dimension and wants to suck out your soul, and she’s an abysmal actress with no discernible personality.  Since everyone can see the screencaps of Biel’s nude scenes from Powder Blue online (right here!), I can’t think of a single reason anybody would buy that shit on DVD.  Maybe as a gag gift, like for some dude you hated in high school or for the boss who fired you for dry humping the copy machine.  But even then, only if it costs less than four dollars.

Oh look, it’s Jessica Biel.  And also her breasts.

Here are some screen caps of Jessica Biel topless in Powder Blue.  These things are everywhere on these here interwebs today, but I’m posting them especially for you, my preciouses, because I am a kind and generous soul.

I know y’all are drawn to breasts like moths to flame, but I strongly (strongly) encourage you to avoid this film at all costs.  Firstly, all women named Jessica are utterly worthless actresses.  There are only three exceptions to this rule, and Biel ain’t one of ‘em.  These exceptions are as follows: Jessica Lange, Jessica Tandy, and Jessica Rabbit.  Another reason to avoid this steaming pile is the fact that the theatrical release is scheduled for 8 May 2009 and the DVD release is scheduled for 9 June 2009.  For those among you who are not math geniuses, that’s about a four-and-a-half week theatrical run.  That is not a good sign.

Probably the only part of the movie worth seeing:

Jessica Biel stars as a stripper trying to earn money to care for her terminally ill son in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” Now, before you go out and piss away eight dollars to see Jessica Biel naked, you should know there’s a catch: even though she’s a stripper, she never actually gets naked in the movie. Or even topless, for that matter. The Daily Mail says

The cautious actress… has signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see. The contract [bans] shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her bottom (side view only) in the Crash-like ensemble drama Powder Blue.

Well, that’s just fucking genius, man. Hollywood. I swear. Look — strippers strip. That’s just what they do. It’s intrinsic to their character. Centering your movie around a stripper who doesn’t take her clothes off is like casting Will Ferrell in a sports movie without John C. Reily or not killing the token black guy in the first five minutes of a sci-fi flick. It breaks every cardinal rule of movie-making.

Everyone’s all excited about the first picture of Jessica Biel as a stripper in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” I don’t see what the big deal is. That goatee does nothing for her. She looks like she ought to be doling out slop in a prison cafeteria, not offering me a forty dollar lapdance. Somebody really dropped the ball here.

Without the goatee at the Museum of Modern Art last week: