I didn’t report on this yesterday because it’s boring and nobody cares: Beyonce might be pregnant. Or not. Wheeee. Us Magazine says:

The 29-year-old singer is pregnant with her first child… [and] is in her first trimester

Friends of the couple are already expressing their well-wishes for the parents-to-be, [with] Knowles’ sister Solange [saying], “She’ll be a great mom.”

But Beyonce’s mother Tina went on The Ellen Degeneres Show to categorically deny the pregnancy to the media. The Daily Mail says:

In a clip released ahead of today’s show, [Beyonce's mother] tells the talkshow host, “No, no. It’s not true. Not right now.”

Earlier a spokesman for the singer had refused to comment on the reports, but did not issue a denial.

Instead her her mother spoke out.

Tina joked: ‘I’m here to clear the rumors up. The truth is that it’s me, not Beyonce, that’s pregnant. It’s me,” before adding, “I’m kidding, no, no I’m 56.”

I learned in middle school that that the best way to deal with confrontation in your life is to let your mom handle it. Provided running away or playing dead isn’t an option.

Having lunch with Jay-Z in Miami yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In news which should please Hello Kitty fetishists everywhere, Katy Perry might be hinting that she’s pregnant with Russell Brand’s baby.  From People:

Either we’re reading too much between the Tweets, or the 25-year-old “Kiss the Girl” singer is sprinkling clues she’s having a baby with new fiancé Russell Brand.

It started with her Jan. 1 message: “Let me tell you 2010 is BUMPIN!” Then on Friday, Perry wrote, “Hey @rustyrockets” – Brand’s Twitter name – “i heard ur prego-ed.” She adds, “I WANT IN AND OUT,” a Southern California hamburger chain, before telling Brand, “I love you … (awwwww barf!).”

Bump, prego, cravings, barf? It was all very cryptic, but then it was only a few days ago that Perry made oblique song lyric references on Twitter – before Brand came out and confirmed they were engaged on New Year’s Eve.

I’m sure we all agree that the idea of Katy Perry and Russell Brand procreating is a terrifying thing, but what we need to remember is that Katy Perry is a retarded attention whore.  A few dumb Tweets from her is nothing to panic over.  Although… keep in mind, their kids will look like this:

On second thought, I’m scared.  Someone hold me.

Ugh.  That Other Kardashian (not the preggo and not the one with the ass; the Amazonian one) went on Chelsea Handler’s show with her pretend husband, and this ridiculous shit happened:

They got married just a month after they met, and now just another month later, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian look to be wasting little time taking another big step.

Appearing on E!’s Chelsea Lately, Kardashian, 25, was asked by host Chelsea Handler if she was pregnant yet, like sister Kourtney.

It was Odom who answered: “Soon.”

“You planning on having a baby soon?” Handler asked. “You want to do that right away?”

“I do,” said Odom, 30.

And Kardashian’s answer? “Okay,” she says.

Look, I don’t really care if two clinically retarded people whore themselves and their fake TV marriage out to anyone who will listen so they can make easy money and never have to get real jobs.  I mean, it’s cheap and disgusting, but so is most of Hollywood so I just can’t be bothered to get worked up about it.  But please, for the love of all that is holy, can’t the fates intervene and somehow arrange it so these two get trapped in an industrial sized microwave for approximately eight hours, or however long it might take to fully irradiate their reproductive organs?  I really feel like that’s not a lot to ask, here.

Leaving the E! studios after their appearance on Chelsea Lately:

Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.

An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.

An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”

The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.

While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.

I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.

Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming: