Circus Tent with Hair Jessica Simpson took to her official site today to announce that after a particularly unpalatable 26 months of gestation, she had finally given birth to a baby girl. People Magazine says:

The star and her fiancé Eric Johnson welcomed daughter Maxwell Drew Johnson on May 1.

“Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson,” she wrote. “We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!!”

The baby weighed in at 9 lbs. 13 oz. and is 21¾ inches long. Maxwell is Johnson’s middle name, while Drew is Simpson’s mother Tina’s maiden name.

With a name like Maxwell Drew Johnson, it’s a pity that kid wasn’t a boy. Think about it. Then his name would be Max Johnson. Not since “Hugh G. Rection” has there been a name that’s resonated with me on such a personal level!

I just hope all the king’s horses and all the king’s men find a way to put her back together again:

Former screwed-up child star Drew Barrymore will reportedly be passing on her genetic predisposition to alcoholism and drug abuse. AKA: she’s knocked up. Says Digital Spy,

Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman have held a ‘Couple’s Shower’.

The pair, who announced their engagement in January, were said to be celebrating their forthcoming wedding as well as Barrymore’s rumored pregnancy.

The fete was held at the Los Angeles home of Charlie’s Angels producer Leonard Goldberg on Saturday and was attended by the pair’s closest friends and family.

“Everyone was doting on pregnant Drew and asking her how she is feeling,” a source told Us Weekly.

“She is so thrilled to be expecting, and also really excited about the wedding.”

The insider added of Barrymore’s pending motherhood: “Drew will be an amazing mom. She’s seriously the coolest person in the world… Very generous and doting.”

A “cool mom” isn’t necessarily the greatest thing. Demi Moore, anyone?

Pictured in this month’s issue of InStyle UK:

“True Blood” co-stars and real-life spouses Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer revealed yesterday that she is pregnant. Us Magazine says:

True Blood costars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are expecting their first child together, a rep for Moyer confirms.

This will be Paquin’s first child; Moyer has two children from previous relationships.

Are we sure Stephen Moyer isn’t the one carrying the the child? All the baby weight seems to have gone directly to his forehead.

I was going to look for some pictures of somebody hot in a swimsuit, but then I remembered that I hate you. So here’s some pictures of a pregnant Reese Witherspoon in a swimsuit. Happy Easter!

25-year-old “actress” (wink, wink) Megan Fox is reportedly pregnant with husband Brian Austin Green’s baby. The Daily Mail says:

A source [said]: ‘They just found out… It’s still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members.’

Megan and Brian, 38, are…. “so excited about the baby!”

The source went on to say, “Well… at least, I think Megan’s excited. It’s hard to tell. Her face never moved the whole time she was speaking. It’s fucking creepy, man. It’s like somebody wiped the Van Dyke off a V for Vendetta mask and mounted it on a cybertronic mannequin.”

Attempting realistic facial expressions on XM Satellite Radio yesterday:

Brace yourself for the most exciting news you’re guaranteed to hear all day: Oscar-winning actress Reese Witherspoon is pregnant! People Magazine says:

After weeks of speculation – whipped up after the actress sported a series of loose, bump-concealing frocks – several Witherspoon pals confirm that yes, the Oscar winner and her husband of almost one year are expecting their first child together.

“Jim and Reese are looking forward to having a bigger family at this point in life,” says the friend. “They can take the time to enjoy the next stage and make sure the transition for all is easy and joyful.”

Reese and Jim’s equally exciting future plans include things like sound financial investing, routine colonoscopies and lots and lots of flossing!

First pics of the emerging baby bump:

Jessica Simpson told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that she never felt more in touch with her body and her sexuality than now when pushing two hundred pounds and constantly farting. Lucky guy, that Eric Johnson. Us Magazine says:

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,’” the sassy Texan said. “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!”

Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.”

The fashion mogul also explained her decision to go nude for the April cover of ELLE magazine. “They didn’t even ask me to do that,” she said. “It was my idea… I’m like 170 pounds and I wanted to pose nude. It’s funny to be at your heaviest and feel the most confident… I just love my body more than ever now.”

Bullshit. I’ve been pregnant. At eight and a half months, you don’t “love your body more than ever.” You fucking hate it. By then the roundness has long since stopped being cute and instead your belly is distended to almost horror-movie proportions, criss-crossed with angry red stretch marks and bulging veins and linea negras and the occasional blob of Rocky Road ice cream that missed your mouth because you were shoveling it in with a serving spoon directly out of the carton. Anybody who claims otherwise is a damn liar.

These pictures of a heavily pregnant and unpleasantly plump Jessica Simpson may be blurry, but let me explain. She’s so fat that she broke the fucking pixels. True story.

Demi did it, Britney did it, and Christina did it — now it’s Jessica Simpson’s turn to show off her naked pregnant body on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine, in which she reveals she and fiance Eric Johnson are having a little girl. Jessica’s father Joe Simpson was later quoted as saying, “I just hope she gets her momma’s double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly knocked up with boyfriend Jionni LaValle’s bastard child, and she already has big plans to whore out her pregnancy in a bid to become “the next Kourtney Kardashian.” There’s some serious aspiration for you. But MTV is none too happy about the news, because boozing and fighting and casual sex are Jersey Shore’s bread and butter, and nobody wants to see a pregnant chick doing any of that shit. Page Six says:

Polizzi, [who] is roughly three months along, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines..

But sources [reveal] that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi’s hard-partying booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a “Jersey Shore” spinoff with Jenni “JWoww” Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey.

“MTV went into crisis mode after they found out,” said a source. “They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ”

How a fetus could actually gestate in that cesspool of a uterus is beyond me. I figured STDs would have rendered her sterile years ago. I guess it’s like Dr. Ian Malcolm said in “Jurassic Park” — life finds a way. Way to drop the ball, natural selection.

Nobody ever takes more than three pictures of this dumb skank at any event she attends, so it’s kinda a random assortment of pics of her over the last month — thumbnail 1 is her at the Bebe Black Collection Fall 2012 fashion show in New York, thumbs 2 and 3 are of her at the Grammys, and 4 & 5 are her arriving at the Live with Kelly show in New York:

Jennifer Garner gave birth to a son earlier this week, her third child with actor Ben Affleck. Us Magazine says:

The couple of seven years welcomed their third child, a baby boy, in Santa Monica, Calif.
Garner and Affleck’s new little one joins older daughters Violet, 6, and Serafina, 3.

Announcing her pregnancy in August 2011, Garner, 39, managed to stay mum on the gender of her family’s third baby.

Damn, she’s 39? Wow. She doesn’t look that old. She still has all of her teeth and can get around without the use of a motorized cart. I guess all that stuff doesn’t happen till you actually hit forty.

It seemed a little odd that Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler suddenly changed his mind and got re-engaged to “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari a couple of months after calling off the engagement, but now it’s all making sense — she’s pregnant. Slow golf-claps all around. Well-played, Ms. Cavallari. Us Magazine says:

[A source said, "Kristin] is really happy. She is in the early stages, but she can’t wait to be a mom… they have just bought a house in Tennessee and can’t wait to start their family.”

Jay shoulda checked off Kristin Cavallari’s primary receiver and delivered that pass to her number 2, if you know what I’m saying. Girls can’t get pregnant that way.