It seemed a little odd that Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler suddenly changed his mind and got re-engaged to “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari a couple of months after calling off the engagement, but now it’s all making sense — she’s pregnant. Slow golf-claps all around. Well-played, Ms. Cavallari. Us Magazine says:

[A source said, "Kristin] is really happy. She is in the early stages, but she can’t wait to be a mom… they have just bought a house in Tennessee and can’t wait to start their family.”

Jay shoulda checked off Kristin Cavallari’s primary receiver and delivered that pass to her number 2, if you know what I’m saying. Girls can’t get pregnant that way.

Not only is Sienna Miller reportedly pregnant with her first child, but word on the street is that she’s also engaged to long-time boyfriend Tom Sturridge. The Daily Mail says:

The 30-year-old actress, who has been dating actor Tom for just over a year, is believed to have broken the news to friends and family just before Christmas.

Her sister Savannah Miller tweeted today: ‘THRILLED.’

Life & Style magazine [is also] alleging that Tom proposed to Sienna in Paris over Christmas.

Babies and weddings are boring, so instead I thought we’d take a trip down memory lane. Remember that one time Sienna Miller was topless? Yeah… good times. And then there’s that one time she was topless and sucking face with a married man. And then she was topless on her balcony. And at the beach. And on a boat. And here, well, she’s just full-on naked. Reminiscing sure is fun!

They say black is slimming. You know what else is black but isn’t slimming? If you were going to say, “Jessica Simpson in a pregnancy catsuit’, well yes, that’s true, but it wasn’t what I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of black hole. You know, a sucking vortex that squashes all matter with the crushing weight of its gravitational pull? So yeah, Jessica Simpson. Carry on.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson has made a point of making herself as repellant as possible of late, and last night’s FFaNY Awards at the Museum of Modern Art was no exception. The Daily Mail says:

The star says her glistening [pregnant] sheen is actually because she’s a little too hot.

‘People always say that pregnant women have a glow,’ she [said]. ‘And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death!”

That’s just what my mom used to tell me when she was pregnant — she was “glowing.” It wasn’t the DT sweats or anything. Whatever. I always knew that was a lie. Just like she wasn’t “blossoming,” either. I think I know a fart when I hear one.

On the red carpet (no, she’s not the red carpet, but I can see how you might be fooled):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she was pregnant with baby number two in an Us Magazine exclusive interview! yesteday. What a nice, konveniently timed diversion from the PR disaster that was Kim’s marriage.

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago.

“Now I’m nine weeks along,” Kardashian tells Us. “You’re supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident.”

The son or daughter-to-be will be the second child for the couple of five years, whose son Mason, nearly 2, was a bit of a surprise.

Not so much for baby number two.

“It wasn’t like we weren’t trying,” Disick, 28, says. “We kind of just said, ‘If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.’”

Notice how she said “You’re supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel konfident?” Prediction: Kourtney’s gonna have a “miscarriage.” Just you wait and fucking see. It’ll be a very touching Kardashian Special: The MisKarriage of the Century. I’m calling that shit now. And then when it happens just like I said it would, you’ll turn to me and say, “But Abby… but how did you know?” and then you’ll smile and mouth “peyote?” and I’ll give you a little wink.

Well, she’s certainly gained the appropriate weight around the hips and thighs as per her agent’s instruction:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

On her Twitter today, pregnant Jessica Simpson re-tweeted a post from OMG facts stating: ‘The average person expels flatulence 15 times each day!’ But being Jessica Simpson, she added:

[15 times a day?] The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!’

There you have it. Jessica Simpson has four chins and farts 225 times a day. That ought to mercifully kill any uncomfortable workday boner those basketball strippers might instigated this morning. Those girls are real troublemakers.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson finally owned up to the single worst-kept secret in Hollywood since John Travolta’s hairpiece, tweeting this morning:

It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!

She’s gonna be a mummy. So the baby bump has been explained. What has NOT been explained, however, is why the announcement was accompanied by photos of Dee Snider dressed the Michelin Man if the Michelin Man were homosexual and trapped in Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” phase. I’m afraid that one will forever remain a mystery.

Jessica Simpson got the wind taken out of her sails once again when her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo revealed yesterday that wife Candice Crawford was pregnant with his child. Jessica, you’ll remember, has thus far refused to address the pregnancy rumors in the hopes that there’s still a big fat tabloid paycheck with her name on it. Doubtful. Us Magazine says:

“I actually have [a baby] on the way,” NFL star [Tony Romo] said during an anti-drug rally at Cedar Hill High School on Tuesday. “My wife is pregnant.”

Romo, 31, began dating Chace Crawford’s 24-year-old sister shortly after his breakup with Simpson, 30. Engaged since December 2010, the pair said “I Do” the following May.

Not only did Tony beat her to the alter, and he beat her to punch on the baby announcement, too. That has to hurt. In times like these, there are only three words that could possibly make Jessica Simpson feel any better. And those three words are “triple bacon cheese.”

Shopping for baby stuff yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

She still hasn’t made an official statement, but it’s glaringly obvious that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. In fact, the only thing that’s not obvious here is the reason why anyone would wear those sunglasses. Even Waldo and that old lady from the Old Navy commercial think those frames are a bit much.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Everybody already knows that Jessica Simpson is knocked up, but she has thus far refused to confirm her pregnancy because she’s holding out for the big bucks. Page Six says:

Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a [magazine] deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. We’re told the Simpsons were asking up to $500,000 to close the deal.

And Jessica has been hiding an obvious bump in recent photos to keep showbiz’s worst kept secret. Last night OK! posted the cover story, “Yes, I’m Having A Baby.”

In short, Jessica Simpson wanted half a million dollars to tell you something you already knew. That makes as much sense as paying a prostitute not to have sex with you.

At the airport with her mom last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Despite champing at the bit to legally bind his ass to hers by the end of year, the Jessica Simpson has decided to put off her dream wedding to fiance Eric Johnson. And before you say anything, this has nothing to do with her weight… or does it? Dun dun DUN! Look, I’m trying to make this interesting. Work with me here. Go pound a beer and then come right back. Trust me, it helps. The NY Daily News says:

But instead of the bride having cold feet, some speculate Simpson is actually putting wedding plans on hold for some bigger news.

According to In Touch, the blond beauty is expecting her first child.

Simpson was reportedly so shocked when she first learned she was expecting via a home pregnancy test earlier this month, she took nine more tests to make sure.

“She’s already having kooky cravings which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet,” the friend added, listing nacho chips dipped in chocolate… among Simpson’s current favorites.

Where does one buy nacho chips dipped in chocolate, I wonder? Probably the same place you by bacon-wrapped sausage and beer-battered Twinkies. Arkansas.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Opportunely timed for the announcement of his upcoming mewling spawn with Beyonce, a bombshell has dropped on Jay-Z with the news of a secret lovechild.  The Daily Mail says:

The 41-year-old rapper, who has been married to the Crazy In Love singer for three years, allegedly has a secret child.

The 99 Problems singer reportedly fathered a young boy nine years ago with Trinidad model Shenelle Scott, according to Star magazine.
Jerard Andrews says his son Malik Sayeed was wrongly identified as the father, and DNA tests prove that Jay-Z is the boy’s biological dad.

‘At the time [he] was born, my son Malik thought he was his child, but they did DNA tests,’ he told the publication.

‘It’s been determined that [the child is] Jay-Z’s baby.’

According to the magazine, friends urged Sayeed to get a paternity test after the baby’s arrival because Scott had been seen around Jay-Z.
A source told the magazine that the child posses many of Jay-Z’s features, and that the rap mogul is currently paying Scott child support.

He is said to have even helped the new mother set up a home in Trinidad to raise the child.

‘Shenelle told me that Jay-Z gave her $1 million to keep her mouth shut,’ Jerald told Star.

‘My understanding is that he’s paying her child support.

‘Shenelle took the money and bought herself a really nice house in Trinidad that the whole family lives in now.’

According to the magazine, Jay-Z’s 30-year-old wife Beyonce, who is currently pregnant with their child, is well aware of boy and while at first furious, she has come to accept it.

It is unclear if the baby was conceived before Jay-Z met Beyonce, who has has been with for close to ten years.

Her husband is also reportedly still in contact with Scott, and has expressed interest in being a part of his son’s life.

‘She says he’s a good father and he has a lot of interest in [the boy],’ he told Star.

‘It was a big old mess at one time, but I think once they resolved the issue of fatherhood, of paternity, I think things started to level off.’

I’d be surprised if he didn’t have at least 5 bastard children tucked away, living off welfare. Black men make random sperm deposits as regularly as depositing paychecks–that is, if black men actually had jobs, aside from selling drugs or raping white women.

Beyonce channeling medieval times in her trunkhose, because Jay-Z’s face scares the kids: