Mariah Carey and her bulging Valentino dress intimated that she might be pregnant during an interview at last night’s Academy Awards. The Daily Mail says

To the glitz and glamour of the Oscars red carpet last night, Mariah Carey added a touch of intrigue by hinting that she was pregnant.

Looking radiant, the 39-year-old told reporters that ‘something special’ was about to happen but refused to elaborate further.

We don’t necessarily know that she’s referring to a pregnancy here. That “something special” that’s “about to happen” could just be that an entire triple-layer cheesecake is about to drop into her lower intestine, giving her enough room to down another couple of plates at the Oscar buffet. I don’t want to go putting words in her mouth here. Mostly because she would probably try and eat them.

With husband Jack Sprat Nick Cannon on the red carpet:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Now that her stupid “reality” show is about to be canceled and her foray into pop music tanked, plastic surgery monstrosity Heidi Montag is planning on getting pregnant so she can remain tabloid-relevant. In fact, she’s already sold the exclusive rights to the photos to Life & Style Magazine, even though she’s not currently pregnant. Why should she let a stupid thing like actually gestating a fetus get in the way of her next paycheck? Nine MSN says

[Heidi and Spencer are] not actually expecting a baby yet, but that hasn’t stopped them making plans for the future — negotiating an exclusive deal with a tabloid magazine to document every step of their journey into parenthood.

“She’s not even pregnant yet, but she and Spencer have already signed the papers,” a source tells In Touch Weekly. “They’re planning staged photos every step of the way – the pregnancy, the birth, and of course, the first baby picture.”

It looks like Dina Lohan has finally met her match in the soulless manipulator department. Ten bucks says that baby’s first word is “ka-ching!”

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Barfity barf barf BARF! Who thinks mega cooze Tila Tequila would make a good surrogate mother? Her brother and sister-in-law do, apparently.  The Apocalypse will shortly ensue.  Says NYDailyNews,

The 27-year-old (whose real name is Tila Ngyuen) tweeted her “big announcement” on Sunday, “I am going to become a SURROGATE MOTHER for my brother and his Wife!!…That is my xmas present to them.”

Though Tila has not revealed any new details about the decision, she did recently receive a pretty huge gift of her own – a 17-carat diamond engagement ring from heiress Casey Johnson.

“My baby takes care of me,” Tila recently said in a video blog. “Beat that J.Lo! Beat that Khloe and Lamar!”

We can probably look forward to rises to a new level of skank while she’s pregnant, like taking video of herself masturbating or something else equally deviant. Poor kid is going to come out traumatized. I wouldn’t trust a dog I liked with her. Not because she’s Vietnamese and would eat it, but because she’s probably have sex with it.

With her “fiancée” Casey Johnson, showing off her 17-carat “engagement” ring, plus bending over so she can show where the baby will come out:

PHOTO SOURCE: PACIFIC COAST NEWS

Kourtney Kardashian was robbed, and I’m not just talking of any good looks or discernible talent. I mean like she was robbed-robbed. According to TMZ

Kourtney returned to her Calabasas townhome Saturday night at about 8:30 PM and discovered the break-in.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry was reportedly taken, [including] Kourtney’s Cartier watch worth around $30,000, an expensive Rolex owned by her boyfriend, and diamond hoops.

The home is in a gated community.

I bet the robbers were able to sneak past the guards at the gate by hiding in the crook of Kim Kardashian’s ass the last time she visited. Hell, you could probably fit another two look-outs and a getaway car in there if you got the angle just right.

Leaving a hair salon last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Michelle Duggar, famous for being the real-life Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe, announced this morning on the Today Show that she is pregnant with child number 19. I bet at this point her puss just hangs open like the gaping maw of a basking shark. According to the Huffington Post

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Tonitown, Ark., who have 18 children and one grandchild on the way, are expecting a new addition to their household baby No. 19 will arrive in the spring.

“We are so thrilled,” says Michelle, 42. “We just couldn’t believe it is happening.” Jim Bob, 44, agrees: “This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child.”

Can a vagina weep? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what mine’s doing after hearing this. Otherwise I should really see a doctor about some penicillin.

Want to know the special moment that propelled Kourtney Kardashian into the realm of motherhood? It’s when some guy whose name sounds like “dick sick” spunked inside her and she forgot to take her whore medicine. I’m sure a beam of sunlight came down from heaven and the angels started singing! Us Magazine says

Getting pregnant with Scott Disick — with whom she recently reunited after splitting in February — was unplanned.

“This probably sounds so dumb, but there’s so many times I’ll forget to take my pill and I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. It’s just so stupid,” she admitted.

On her new reality show — Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami (premiering Sunday) — she literally gets sick in a club, she said. Her boobs also became “huge and they were so sore.”

The baby may be incorporated into the second season of her reality show, she “joked.”

You know, it takes a special kind of evil to bring a child into the world just so you can boost ratings for your shitty reality show. I’ve only ever heard it referred to as “Dina Lohan.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News, Bauer-Griffin

Prepare for the coming of the Antichrist — the Great Satan, Jr. is knocked up! Us Magazine says

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant.

The E! reality star, 30, is not revealing the father’s identity or how far along she is… [and] refused to say if she and ex-boyfriend Scott Disick were back together.

“You’re going to have to see on the show,” she said, referring to her new reality show with sister Khloe, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, which debuts Sunday.

Oh, I have a hunch who the father is. He embodies all that is evil and will usher in a seven year reign of death and destruction at the dawning of the End of Days. Isn’t it obvious? I’m talking about my stepdad. You’re not the boss of me, Ted!

In Miami with Bigfoot in a sarong:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

If there’s one thing pregnant chicks like, it’s when you take close-up pictures of them eating in a bathing suit. Turning up the heat ten or fifteen degrees in a car with all the windows rolled up is a close second.

Kendra Wilkinson in St. Lucia with husband Hank Baskett:

Dad of less than one year Matthew McConaughey announced yesterday that he is expecting his second child with girlfriend Camila Alves. I guess all that stuff about pot making you sterile is bullshit. He wrote on his official site

“We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father’s Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother… Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows…. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila.”

The “greatest miracle in the world?” Come on. The mice that live in my pantry just pulled off the greatest miracle in the world like 35 times in the last week alone. I’d say the bigger miracle in all this is that “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” didn’t result in any attempts on his life. Lucky for him, Tennessee gun laws really got in the way of my doing anything about it.

Kendra Wilkinson and fiance Hank Baskett are expecting their first child.  From People:

The Girls Next Door E! reality star told E! News’s Marc Malkin, “Hank and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting our first child together. We are touched by the outpouring of support by our family, friends and fans.”

In February, Wilkinson, 23, told PEOPLE: “We always talk about [having kids]. He wants kids so [badly], and I do, too.”

Wilkinson even went so far as to tell PEOPLE that she and Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, were already working on names.

“My first initial is K and my middle name is Leigh, so we were thinking of Kaleigh,” she said. “And he’s Hank Baskett III, so of course I’m going to have a Hank Baskett IV!”

Engaged since November, Wilkinson and Baskett, 26, plan to wed June 27 at the Holmby Hills, Calif., mansion of her former boyfriend, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner.

This poor kid has no hope at all of a normal life.  I mean, even regular kids are dumb as hell and they do stuff like poop on the floor and lick electrical sockets, but this baby’s parents are both so stupid they’re barely functional.  The kid will likely never learn how to talk in whole sentences and will probably spend most of its free time eating bugs and trying to fly.  It could have a fantastic career in the circus, though… not everybody would be so willing to climb inside a bear’s mouth and then set their own hair on fire.

At the “Red Tie Affair” Red Cross benefit in Santa Monica in March:

What the hell?  Listen up, Heidi.  I know you’re knocked up again and so you probably had to pull over on your way to this pediatric AIDS benefit event so you could puke up your breakfast on the side of the road and you’re exhausted and your back hurts and all you really want out of life right now is to lie in bed eating popsicles and watching stupid shit like She’s the Man, but you are a SUPERMODEL.  And not just any run-of-the-mill supermodel, either.  You’re goddamn HEIDI KLUM.  These saggy baggy jumpsuit shenanigans are just unacceptable.

At the “A Time For Heroes” carnival to benefit the Pediatric AIDS Foundation:

Victoria’s Secret sexpot Adriana Lima is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Click the header image for a (LSFW, but still pushing it) pretty good idea where the baby will come from. The NY Daily News says

The stunner is nearly three months pregnant, according to a well-placed source. The gorgeous Brazilian… eloped with NBA beau Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day of this year.

After coming face first out of Adriana Lima’s vagina, I think it’s safe to say that the rest of your life is all gonna be downhill from there. Poor kid.

UPDATE: Adriana’s rep just confirmed the pregnancy rumors.

Some swimsuit pics and backstage at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show: