Unless your name is William Wallace and it’s the latter half of the 13th century or you’re a hot sixteen-year old girl enrolled in Catholic school, your ass has no business in a kilt. Case in point: Gerard Butler at the UK premiere of his new movie “Law Abiding Citizen.” If I want to see big ol’ knobby knees covered in hair, I’ll just start wearing shorts again, thank you very much.

Make sure to check out Gerard’s impressive wiener medallion, or as it’s known in the Highland vernacular, “sporran”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Brad Pitt looked like a pretentious asswipe when he showed up to the Spanish premiere of Inglorious Basterds in a pair of monogrammed slippers. Still, I don’t think we should just jump to conclusions without giving him a chance to explain himself. For all we know, that BP could stand for “Butt Plug.” Or “Ball-less Puss.” It is Brad Pitt we’re talking about, after all.

With director Quention Tarantino:

Rachel McAdams wore a cut-to-there dress at the premiere of “The Time Traveler’s Wife” last night. Too bad she couldn’t travel back in time and get an actual pair of boobs. I’ve seen better cleavage on a slab of boromullite! Get it? Boromullite is a mineral that doesn’t even have cleavage! Yep, nothing stings more than a good petrology burn. Plenty more where that came from, baby! Woo!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

It might be a $20,000 dress constructed entirely of aniline-finished top grain leather made from the skin of unborn baby calves and stitched together by a small tribe of leather craftsmen living in the foothills of the Andes, but the fact still remains Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are dressed alike. Only seventh grade girls and people who get their portraits made at Olan Mills do that. Gay!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Megan Fox is not only jaw-droppingly gorgeous, she’s also a bonafide genius. Need proof? The Daily Mail says

She [says of] her ‘Brian’ tattoo - dedicated to on/off boyfriend Brian Austin Green: ‘I wouldn’t regret the tattoo if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.’

That’s fucking brilliant. Now I just have to have a couple of kids and name them “Yosemite Sam” and “In Loving Memory: Bubba ‘Cooter’ Wallace 1973 — 1991 R.I.P.” and my lower back won’t seem so fucking stupid anymore.

Looking like a Grecian goddess at the L.A. premiere of Transformers:

Seriously, there is just no escaping these bitches.  You can’t run, you can’t hide… Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf will always find you.  I don’t actually hate either one of them, though.  I think they both have a tendency to act borderline retarded about 75% of the time, but really, who in Hollywood doesn’t?   Besides, mouthy and crazy are way the hell better than boring.  Anyway, the point is, Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf have both been winning me over a little bit against my will lately, and I really love me some giant fighting robots, but even I am getting kinda burned out on this Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen international press junket rampage.  Just nine more days until the movie comes out… I think we can make it if we knuckle down with enough alcohol.

Megan Fox at the UK premiere of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in London:

Megan Fox, Shia LaBeouf and Michael Bay at the Berlin premiere:

Salut, mes porcelets!  It’s Sarah today.  Abby has the day off to start her training at Space Camp, but she’ll be back tomorrow.  Unless of course she meets up with a kid named Max and his best friend, Jinx… then her only hope is if John Travolta’s wife happens to be floating around and spackling on some glitter.  She once read a book on Morse code, you know!

There are probably only about 2% of you who will have any clue just what in the holy fucking hell Kelly Preston has to do with NASA.

Aaaanyway, the premiere of The Hangover happened yesterday, and I was under the impression from the previews that it starred Zach Galifianakis and some other dudes, but the red carpet photos are all about Heather Graham and her boobs in this somewhat ill-fitting and overly shiny red dress.  I seriously forgot Heather Graham was even alive, but apparently she’s not dead and she’s in The Hangover.  Who knew?

Whatever.  Boobs:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today while Abby takes a day off. My brain’s still a little rattled after driving in LA for the last few days, so here’s the effing awesome trailer for the new Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG, because I’m a raging nerd and this video just about made me wet my pants. More than usual, anyway. Enjoy!

What more Cannes I say here? That Angelina Jolie is unbelievably, jaw-droppingly, moutain-ox strangling punch-your-mother-in-the-face gorgeous? Please. That’s like trying to sing with all the voices of the mountains or paint with all the colors of the wind. It really only works if you’re two-dimensional and cloyingly stereotyped.

The premiere of Terminator: Salvation happened last night, and I hope y’all are prepared for this movie to come for you and your wallet.  It’s got pissed off machines trying to kill the whole world and Christian Bale trying to stop them amidst a special effects extravaganza.  It’ll pretty much be the cinematic equivalent of an orgasm so strong it makes your eyes roll back in your head.  There will be no escaping its siren song.  You will fork over your $10, and then you’ll probably do it again a few days later and thank it for the pleasure of pilfering you.

Christian Bale with his wife, Sibi:

Bryce Dallas Howard:

Anton Yelchin:

Moon Bloodgood:

Sam Worthington:

He’s been linked to two different Oksanas and dozens of other women, but 53-year-old actor Mel Gibson arrived at the new X-Men premiere with Russian composer Oksana Grigorieva on his arm. Oksana is signed to Mel’s recording label Icon and reportedly two months pregnant with his bastard child. According to the Daily Mail

The Mad Max star appeared at the Los Angeles premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, hand-in-hand with new love Oksana Grigorieva. The 39-year-old Russian singer’s appearance with Mel came as surprising given the fact his £640million fortune is at stake in his upcoming divorce battle.

The actor’s attendance at the premiere was unexpected as he rarely attends Hollywood events.

Even more unexpected was that Oksana appeared to have shanghaied Michael Jackson’s nose and Nikki Cox’s lips without either one of them noticing. I’ve seen CPR dummies with more natural features.

See Oksana’s lingerie pics here.

Hey, Angelina, Flock of Seagulls called. They want to know why I’m still using that tired-ass joke.

And I raa-aa-aan, I ran so far away-ay-ay: