It doesn’t matter if all the Underworld movies suck, as long as Kate Beckinsale is in them and men continue to pay upwards of $14 a ticket to see her rubber-clad ass shoot things. Not that I blame them at all. Hell, I would pay Kate $14 to shoot me in the ass. Okay, okay, that’s not true. I wouldn’t charge her at all.
You probably just assumed that Maddona was trying to hide old lady hands with those stupid-looking fingerless gloves, but the real reason she’s wearing them is because it makes gripping the necks of young virgins easier when it’s time for her to feast again. Plus I’m sure all that placenta she coats herself in makes it damn near impossible to turn a knob or open a car door. Anybody that’s given birth will tell you that shit is slick.
At the premiere of her new stinkbomb “W.E.”:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Country music icon Dolly Parton graced the red carpet at the premiere of her new movie with Queen Latifah, “Joyful Noise,” a flick that promises to have plenty of oh-no-she-di-int sassiness and various odd couple/fish-out-of-water hijinx. And after all these years, Dolly Parton’s still got it. “It” of course being “a face that made my three-year old nephew turn his head and say, ‘Make that scary lady go away.’” True fucking story. Kids and dogs, man. They know when something’s not right.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
I bet Scarlett Johansson slows down traffic when she smiles, but not for the reason she thinks. You could butter a whole loaf of bread with those teeth.
At the premiere of “We Bought a Zoo” with Matt Damon last night:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
I was trying to tell which one of these two twats looked like they were more miserable, and honestly, I couldn’t decide. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both look like they’re trying to squeeze the itch out of an anal polyp. Hate to break it to you, kids, but that’s a two-finger job. Clenching and soulful staring isn’t gonna cure what ails ya.
On the red carpet at the “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” premiere in the UK last night:
This is hands-down the best Jennifer Love Hewitt’s looked in forever, but homegirl needs to ease up on the red carpet posing. It’s fucking cheesy (almost as cheesy as using the word “homegirl” in a post, some would even say). Her blowout is perfect and the color and fit of the dress are impeccable, and then she goes and ruins it with that stupid shit. I wonder how many hours she spent posing in front of a mirror before she found that particular angle. I wouldn’t be surprised if she started shuffling down the red carpet sideways like a crab so photographers only get her good side.
At the premiere of that stupid Twilight crap:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
God. Damn. Salma. Hayek. That is all.
Arriving at Letterman (row 1) and on the red carpet at the Puss in Boots premiere:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Amber Heard showed up to the premiere of The Rum Diary in a fire engine-red gown slit up to here and towering spike stilettos. The great thing for her about being a lesbian is that she can go home and bitch about how much her shoes were killing her, and her girlfriend can actually sympathize with her instead of giving her a blank stare and the question, “Then why do you wear them if they hurt so much”? I suppose there are benefits to being in a peen-less relationship.
These people lining up to see Meloncholia are going to feel pretty stupid when they realize they didn’t have to pay $15 just to see Kirsten Dunst’s boobs. They could have come here to see them for free. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re the smart ones, my friends. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you.
Charlie Sheen’s character was killed off and Ashton Kutcher’s new character debuted on the season premiere of “Two and Half Men” last night. I doubt Charlie’s too worked up about it, though, since he just signed a settlement agreement with Warner Brothers to the tune of $125 million dollars. That’s a lot of hookers and cocaine any way you slice it. As for Ashton’s introduction, the Daily Mail says:
After taking the lid off the urn [containing Charlie's ashes], [Jon Cryer's character] makes his way towards the deck but is startled by Ashton Kutcher standing in the window, causing him to throw the ashes all over the carpet.
Enter Walden Schmidt – a billionaire whose wife dumped him causing him to attempt suicide in the ocean before ending up soaking wet on the deck of Alan Harper’s Malibu beach house.
Within a short period of time Walden, aka Ashton, has stripped out of his wet clothes and is standing completely naked in the living room.
The two men, having bonded over the women who dumped them, decide to go out for drinks where they manage to pick up a couple of women to bring back to the house.
However in true fashion, Alan gets left behind and Walden gets both ladies to himself.
He then agrees, whilst hilariously still naked, that he is going to buy the house.
The Daily Mail doesn’t have to tell me the show’s hilarious. That’s what the canned laughter is for. People don’t want to have to think about whether something is funny. Thinking is hard. They want to be led by the nose and prodded with verbal cues. If other people are laughing, then it must be funny. And look! Ashton Kutcher’s naked, which is causing Jon visible discomfort! Ha ha, it’s pure comedy gold!
Watch the full episode here; a couple of clips from last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen after the jump.
The “It’s Pat” of this generation Chaz Bono performed the final dance of the evening on last night’s season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars.” I was too busy burning myself with cigarettes to watch, but it drew rave reviews from the judges who were terrified of appearing homophobic. Us Magazine says:
The show’s first-ever transgender contestant, 42, and his pro partner Lacey Schwimmer, offered up a cha cha that was worth the wait.
“People have been waiting all night to see you dance and you did not disappoint,” judge Carrie Ann Inaba gushed.
Fellow judge Bruno Tonioli also raved about Bono — calling his number “cheeky and joyous” — but it was Len Goodman who [coined the name] “Razzmatazz Chaz.”
Bono… placed in the middle of the DWTS pack with a score of 17/30.
If you count flailing your limbs like some kind of albatross caught in a fishing net, then Chaz did great last night. If you don’t, well, he sucked. He should stick to his signature moves, like “staggering around stage clutching his heart” and “gasping for breath while leaning against a stair rail.” It’s really best to go with what you know.
Jennifer Aniston wore a little black dress with sparkles to the premiere of “Horrible Bosses” in L.A. last night, a shocking departure from her usual fare of little black dress with collar, little black dress with ruching, little black dress with ruffles, and little black dress with one shoulder. I agree with Jen, though — trying new things is overrated. If there’s one thing old people have taught me, it’s that change is dangerous and scary and inherently evil. Much like computers and specialty coffees.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
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