Jennifer Aniston wore a little black dress with sparkles to the premiere of “Horrible Bosses” in L.A. last night, a shocking departure from her usual fare of little black dress with collar, little black dress with ruching, little black dress with ruffles, and little black dress with one shoulder. I agree with Jen, though — trying new things is overrated. If there’s one thing old people have taught me, it’s that change is dangerous and scary and inherently evil. Much like computers and specialty coffees.
I think Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is both the bee’s kneesand the cat’s pajamas, so prepare yourself to see her at every Transformers premiere this side of the Mississippi. She hit the red carpet at the New York premiere of the movie last night in this super-sexy red number. When asked for comment, Rosie reportedly said, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way” before hopping into a cartoon taxi to play pat-a-cake with a rabbit in a bow tie and suspenders.
“Thirty Rock” star Tracy Morgan took to the stage at Times Square comedy club Carolines this week in his first stand-up routine since he went on a poorly-received homophobic rant earlier this month. He was careful not to offend the gays this time, instead focusing his rapist’s wit on the oft-overlooked retard demographic. The NY Times says:
Resuming his routine, Mr. Morgan warned his audience, “Don’t ever mess with women who have retarded kids.” As groans and cries of “Uh-oh” were heard, he continued, “Them young retarded males is strong. They’re strong like chimps.”
Finally, he concluded with a bit about his alleged teenage romance with a girl he described as “a cripple” with a prosthetic arm, a mechanical larynx and a portable dialysis machine.
Ask any seventh grade bully on the back of a bus — it’s always better to go after the retards. Half the time, retards don’t even know you’re making fun of them, and the ones that are savvy enough to realize you’re mocking them usually have a hard time articulating their disapproval, on account of the retarded-ness and all. It’s best to pick battles you know you’re gonna win. Paricularly if you’re not funny or talented in the least.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at another Transformers 3 premiere, because Tracy Morgan looks like a retarded chimp himself:
This may shock and confound you, but it seems the last of Charlie Sheen’s porn star “goddesses” has left the Sober Valley Lodge in search of greener, less-fisted pastures. TMZ says:
Natalie Kenly moved out last week — but hell hath no fury like a Warlock scorned … because we’re told the actor DEMANDED she return the Mercedes he bought her.
According to sources close to the actor, Charlie brushed off the break-up, claiming it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen!”
We’re told Charlie’s penis celebrated the split by declaring war on the entire world, conquering three women from three different countries — Mexico, Australia, and Colombia — the very night Kenly walked out.
Gwen Stefani stepped out in a uber low-cut dress at the premiere of The Tree of Life in Cannes yesterday, probably in the hopes it would distract you from all the slap on her on her face. Seriously, WTF? It looks like she had her makeup done by Phyllis Diller. In the dark. After she got done pounding a fifth of gin. Even Bozo the Clown doesn’t wear that much goddamn makeup.
The director of Brad Pitt’s new movie The Tree of Life didn’t even show to the film’s premiere in Cannes today, so it’s no surprise to hear that it was booed like The Situation at a Donald Trump roast. The Daily Mail says:
Brad Pitt’s art house movie The Tree of Life was greeted to a harsh chorus of boos, hisses and reluctant applause when it was unveiled at the Cannes Film Festival.
The picture’s director Terrence Malick didn’t even bother to turn up at the press conference following a screening that started at 8:30 a.m.
I’d wager that Malick’s not showing had less to do with the quality of the film and more to do with the fact that Brad Pitt was dressed like the Good Humor Man’s retarded pimp cousin. Sex industry ice cream men are naturally repellant to the art-house industry. Everybody knows that.
Lady Gaga’s “highly anticipated” (insert finger down throat) music video for “Born This Way” premiered today. It was sort of interesting up to the point where she started singing. And by interesting, I’m talking about a “hey, it looks kind like a dissection is giving birth to a slimey alien” kind of interesting. The touch that’s really missing is where Ellen Ripley shows up and uses the flame thrower unit on her M41A Pulse Rifle to obliterate all Lady Gaga’s offpsring. That’s the way you make the monsters in bad dreams go away.
Jessica Alba brought her usual brand of hotness to the New York premiere of The Little Fockers yesterday, but her choice of red carpet attire wasn’t really my favorite. That dress looks like it might have been sheared right off the head of Lucius Malfoy. Incarcerous hairiosa!
I don’t know what in the Monster High™ hell Angelina Jolie was wearing at the German premiere of The Tourist last night, but with the right combat boots and a touch of black lipstick, she could be the new face of Morticia Adams’ evening wear line at Hot Topic. Or possibly a super villain named “Black Velvet.”
Brooke Shields looked a little long in the jowl at “The Tourist” premiere last night. I had to look twice just to make sure she wasn’t Hagrid’s dog in Harry Potter. But I knew it was her once I saw that hideous blouse. Fang would never be caught dead in such an unflattering neutral!
Angelina Jolie and her baby daddy Brad Pitt were all kissy-kissy goo-goo at the red carpet premiere of her new movie “The Tourist” in New York last night, but behind their lovesick simpers and besotted pie-eyes, was something secretly amiss? Fame Pictures says:
Angelina avoided all of the media outlets on her way in, only stopping for the photographers, [presumably] to avoid questions about Chelsea Handlers’ recent remarks about her.
Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Some leathery old bat with a stand-up act called her a cunt yesterday. I just hope being hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world and making love to the two-time winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive offered Angelina the tiniest bit of solace as she walked down the red carpet at her blockbuster movie premiere. We can’t all have late-night cable shows and cirrhosis and bitter spinster friends. Some people are just born lucky, I guess!
With Brad on the red carpet (more pics after the jump):
I don’t know why Angelina Jolie would ever put on a velour pantsuit, much less wear it on the red carpet at a premiere. It makes about as much sense as those leather pants Brad Pitt’s wearing. Unless Hillary Clinton and the frontman from Winger are holding their kids at gunpoint, they’ve got no excuse whatsoever.
