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If there ever were a way to make jail time a hell of a lot more tolerable, a daily dose of opioids might do the trick. Good thing Lindsay Lohan will still be able to take Dilaudid while she’s in the pokey, then! TMZ says:

According to… Lindsay’s most recent probation report, LiLo has a prescription for Dilaudid, an extremely powerful painkiller often compared to morphine and even heroin.

As long as she has the prescription, Lohan is in the clear to pop the painkiller — presuming she follows the dosage guidelines. We’re told a doctor wrote the prescription after Lindsay’s dental surgery.

That’s not all she’s allowed to have in her medicine cabinet — Lindsay also has prescriptions for two other drugs — Ambien and Adderall.

So she’s got three hot meals delivered to her door in her own room where she can sit and chase the dragon all damn day at taxpayer expense. Fuckin’ A, man. Those junkies that live under the overpass are doing it all kinds of wrong.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Tila Tequila revealed on her blog yesterday that she has joined the fourth installment of VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab to conquer her socially-crippling need for attention and money “prescription pill problem.” Radar Online says

Tila loved to snort the prescription sleep aid Ambien, sources close to her told us.

“She would base her entire day around it,” one insider [revealed]. “She would wake up, snort ambien, google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep,” [adding] that when Tila would snort Ambien, “she would get manic.”

“I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote.

Am I missing something here? Ambien is a sleep aid, right? How does something that’s supposed to produce drowsiness make you manic? I call bullshit. Bull shit. You’ve just convinced yourself you’re fucked up because you want a free pass for acting a fool. You see the same thing at middle school parties when you break out the oregano and O’Douls and they all get progressively more “fucked up” as the night wears on. Not that I hang out at middle school parties a lot or anything. It’s just all part of my double-blind study on the Interpersonal Dynamics of the Placebo-Effect Produced by Non-Alcoholic Beer on 12-Year Olds. You can read all about it in the court transcripts after my hearing next week.

Five positions that indicate you might have a problem with beaver abuse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Lohan Drugs

Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:

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