Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said

“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.

So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.

If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.

Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!

Welcome to the Brave New World, boys and girls — Barack Obama has officially been elected the 44th President of the United States, garnering 349 electoral votes to John McCain’s 162. Democrats now control both the House and the Senate. And who do we have to thank for this historic political shift? Why, rapper Sean “P. Diddy Puff Daddy Puss Whiffy” Combs! He told reporters (via Yahoo News)

“I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Barack Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids.”

I, for one, am grateful to live in a nation where famous people decide things for me. What to wear, what to watch, how to vote — just imagine all the actual thinking we’d have to do if it weren’t for celebrities! Germany might have had its “Gestapo” and Russia its “KGB” and the Wal-Mart its “Military Detection of Anti-Homeland Activities,” but nothing sways a pliable public quite like bare boobs and pec implants. Long live the Tabloid Secret Service!

The T.S.S. electing the new president: