Kim Kardashian wallpapered her entire Twitter page with a preview shot from her upcoming 2011 swimsuit calendar, along with the following cryptic message:

‘New twitter background…its a sneak peak from an upcoming calendar shoot… it will be up only for one night!’

I don’t know who that’s supposed to be in the picture, but it sure as hell isn’t Kim Kardashian. Not unless Kim Kardashian is really an alien using Vanessa Williams’ body as a host while laying eggs in her abdomen, just like I predicted six months ago. I tried telling Vanessa she was about to become a breeding ground for otherworldly spawn in a series of letters I wrote in my own feces and hand-delivered to the Ugly Betty set last year, but I think they were intercepted by the government. They just ended up being used against me as Exhibits A through J at the trial. Bastards.

Kim in her original human form earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Katy Perry posted a 30-second preview of the video for her latest single “California Gurls” (yes, she spelled it “gurls”) on her Twitter yesterday. The video appears to be set in a makeshift Candyland and shows her tonguing an ice cream cone, wearing a bra made of pastries and shooting foam from her tits. Subtlety obviously isn’t what she was going for here, but the gratuitous boob action still doesn’t excuse Snoop Dogg’s ridiculous pink cupcake suit. Mario Cantone was quoted as saying, “Man that shit is gay.” And a hairless Peruvian was using his ass as a hand-puppet when he said that, so that goes to show you just how fucking gay it really was.

Here’s a delicious sample of Page 3 girl Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Erotic Calendar.” Not to be confused with Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Psychotic Calendar,” which mostly consists of pictures of me jumping out the dumpster behind her flat and hacking off my own ear with a Swiss Army knife while she stands there screaming. Those pics still technically belong to Scotland Yard.

I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my: