17 year-old Nick Hogan is about to get a little birthday present from the Florida penal system on Sunday. Penal. How apropos! According to TMZ

Bollea, who has been housed with juveniles, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates either awaiting sentencing or already sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

Ah, the gift of anal rape. Is there anything better? I know it certainly made my 13th birthday a day I’ll never forget. No matter how many therapists they make me talk to.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake “Hold My Pocket” Fielder-Civil has been kicking around the idea of a divorce, thanks in part to his mommy dearest. Female First says

Blake is under pressure from his mother to sever all ties with Amy. [Amy's dad] said in an interview: “Blake threatened to issue divorce proceedings when they were having a row. Unfortunately, Blake is influenced by things his mother has said. I think [his mother] wants them to divorce, but it’s up to them. From Amy’s point of view, she would stick by him not matter what. But he has said things like, ‘I want a divorce’.”

[His mother] recently said: “Amy’s husband is in jail and she’s cavorting with an old boyfriend [while vacationing in the Caribbean]. What’s she playing at?” A source added: “The Blake and Amy situation is imploding. Blake has been listening to his mother, and he’s been hot and cold with Amy when they do meet.

Blake Fielder-Civil’s career highlights include being a junkie dealer, throwing “wild self-mutilation parties” and guzzling prison hooch, so I can totally see why his mother thinks he’s too good for Amy. If he could just get the leeching off her paychecks out of his system, maybe he could find a nice boy to spend the rest of his life with. Like a white-collar criminal, for example. “Mr. 49 Felony Counts of Fraud and Forgery by an Insurance Professional” could be just around the corner at the next group shower or mandatory delousing. It’s not like romance goes around looking for you, you know. Sometimes you have to go out there in prison yard and find it yourself.

Amy en route to the premiere of “Sweeney Todd” in London:

Amy Winehouse returned from a two-week long Caribbean vacation on the island of Mustique yesterday, and she and her uterus already have big plans for 2008. According to The Daily Mail

A friend of the singer said: “On her last prison visit she told Blake that she wants to try and get pregnant as soon as she can. She reckons it will pull them together as a family and help them focus their lives on something positive.”

Because nothing screams “daddy material” like:

Blake, 25, is on remand in Pentonville prison for alleged assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. [Fielder-Civil was] recently put into solitary confinement after guards discovered his had been drinking homemade prison hooch.

Yeah, well good luck getting pregnant and all that. I’m sure being thirty pounds underweight and strung out on heroin does wonders for the old baby box. Who needs prenatal vitamins anyway? Just in case, though, Amy might want to see about getting Fielder to blow his wad in an ashtray full of her ovaries’ finest. You know, try to strong arm the miracle of life. Then she could stick the developing embryos in an old boot full of warm water and pour in the occasional Tic-Tacs and malted scotch when she remembers. Ten to one says the fetus would do better there than trapped inside her actual womb.

Amy signing autographs and posing for pictures with fans at the airport before she stripped down to her bra at Heathrow: