Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil — who was just released from prison last month, by the way — will be returning from whence he came after failing a probation-mandated drug test this week. The Daily Mail says

The 26-year-old could now be in jail until early 2010 after breaking the early release terms of his 27-month sentence. Fielder-Civil is understood to have failed the blood test while in rehab as part of his probationary requirement.

After realising he would be returning to prison Fielder-Civil is reported to have rushed to his wife’s hospital bedside to beg her to forgive him. After their evening together he handed himself into police.

“Beg her to forgive him” must be limey slang for “rifle through her wallet, swipe her prescription meds and then offer to fuck her if she can maybe help him out with a fix.” Those Brits and their colorful colloquialisms!

Britney Spears’ new 90 minute MTV documentary “Britney: For The Record” features behind-the-scenes footage of her talking candidly about her life over the past two years. And by “talking candidly,” I of course mean “whining like the ungrateful little twat she is.” The Daily Mail quotes her saying of her new life

“There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day. I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening.

If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time. I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.”

Yes, there certainly was a lot more “passion” and “excitement” back in the good ol’ days when she was shaving herself bald, holding her children hostage and eating food laced with psychotropic drugs. Can’t argue with that. Poor, poor Britney. It’s like asking someone to choose a lifetime of “relative success” and “structure” over a lifetime of “socially-isolated circus clown with a weight problem and a meth habit.” I think it’s pretty obvious where true happiness lies. Some choices just make themselves!

Leaving Sur restaurant last night with her new model boyfriend Marco D’Angelo:

Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sentenced to 4½ years in prison yesterday after pleading guilty to 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy back in September. According to People Magazine

Follieri, who conceivably could have faced up to 265 years in prison, had agreed not to appeal a sentence less than 63 months in prison. The bureau of prisons will decide the level of security under which he’ll be placed.

Follieri delivered a statement in which he said, “What I did was wrong and there is no point in making excuses. … I will never be able to wash away the shame. … I just hope that someday those who have been hurt by my actions will forgive me.”

I suppose 4½ years is still better than 265 years. Even though 4½ civilian years actually translates to — let’s see, carry the one, divide by five, and… roughly 3,768 ass-rapings, give or take a few. Prison years works kinda like dog years, except instead of factoring in the person’s age, you use the penis factorial as your variable. See, math can be fun!

Anne looking gorgeous at the “Rachel Getting Married” premiere in London on Tuesday:

17 year-old Nick Hogan is about to get a little birthday present from the Florida penal system on Sunday. Penal. How apropos! According to TMZ

Bollea, who has been housed with juveniles, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates either awaiting sentencing or already sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

Ah, the gift of anal rape. Is there anything better? I know it certainly made my 13th birthday a day I’ll never forget. No matter how many therapists they make me talk to.

Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake “Hold My Pocket” Fielder-Civil has been kicking around the idea of a divorce, thanks in part to his mommy dearest. Female First says

Blake is under pressure from his mother to sever all ties with Amy. [Amy's dad] said in an interview: “Blake threatened to issue divorce proceedings when they were having a row. Unfortunately, Blake is influenced by things his mother has said. I think [his mother] wants them to divorce, but it’s up to them. From Amy’s point of view, she would stick by him not matter what. But he has said things like, ‘I want a divorce’.”

[His mother] recently said: “Amy’s husband is in jail and she’s cavorting with an old boyfriend [while vacationing in the Caribbean]. What’s she playing at?” A source added: “The Blake and Amy situation is imploding. Blake has been listening to his mother, and he’s been hot and cold with Amy when they do meet.

Blake Fielder-Civil’s career highlights include being a junkie dealer, throwing “wild self-mutilation parties” and guzzling prison hooch, so I can totally see why his mother thinks he’s too good for Amy. If he could just get the leeching off her paychecks out of his system, maybe he could find a nice boy to spend the rest of his life with. Like a white-collar criminal, for example. “Mr. 49 Felony Counts of Fraud and Forgery by an Insurance Professional” could be just around the corner at the next group shower or mandatory delousing. It’s not like romance goes around looking for you, you know. Sometimes you have to go out there in prison yard and find it yourself.

Amy en route to the premiere of “Sweeney Todd” in London:

Amy Winehouse returned from a two-week long Caribbean vacation on the island of Mustique yesterday, and she and her uterus already have big plans for 2008. According to The Daily Mail

A friend of the singer said: “On her last prison visit she told Blake that she wants to try and get pregnant as soon as she can. She reckons it will pull them together as a family and help them focus their lives on something positive.”

Because nothing screams “daddy material” like:

Blake, 25, is on remand in Pentonville prison for alleged assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. [Fielder-Civil was] recently put into solitary confinement after guards discovered his had been drinking homemade prison hooch.

Yeah, well good luck getting pregnant and all that. I’m sure being thirty pounds underweight and strung out on heroin does wonders for the old baby box. Who needs prenatal vitamins anyway? Just in case, though, Amy might want to see about getting Fielder to blow his wad in an ashtray full of her ovaries’ finest. You know, try to strong arm the miracle of life. Then she could stick the developing embryos in an old boot full of warm water and pour in the occasional Tic-Tacs and malted scotch when she remembers. Ten to one says the fetus would do better there than trapped inside her actual womb.

Amy signing autographs and posing for pictures with fans at the airport before she stripped down to her bra at Heathrow: