Lindsay Lohan will be formally charged with lying to police officers about that semi she rear-ended back in June, but not for all the prescription pills cops found strewn about the trunk of her rented Porsche. TMZ says:

The case will be filed as a misdemeanor by the Santa Monica City Attorney … possibly this week.

Law enforcement sources tell us cops found prescription pills in her purse after the crash. Witnesses tell us pills were also scattered in her trunk. Our sources say authorities were prepared to charge LiLo with drug crimes, but Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, gave cops documentations from Lindsay’s doctor, saying the pills were properly prescribed. Authorities then backed off that charge.

The criminal filing is supposedly a big deal for Lindsay, because it technically constitutes a probation violation, giving Judge Stephanie Sautner license to throw her back in jail. Except we all know that’s not gonna happen. In fact, it enrages me to even mention it as a possibility, that’s how much I know it’s not gonna happen. So instead, let’s focus on the real question at hand — why do bad things keep happening to Lindsay Lohan? Answer: police conspiracy (and possibly negativity generated by Hurricane Sally)! TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan is telling friends … cops are on such a vendetta to bring her down.

Lindsay still claims she wasn’t driving, [despite] witnesses’ [claims that] she was behind the wheel of the car [when it crashed].

Good luck convincing me that the woman in the fur hat is Lindsay Lohan. I think I know Clay Aiken in drag when I see him. I don’t know if that’s more insulting to her, or to Clay Aiken. So long as someone’s insulted here, I’ve done my job.

Get a real fur hat here from Rachel Zoe, but if you don’t have nine hundred dollars to spend on fox fur, this fur hat from Pieces is a bargain at under twenty dollars.

Despite telling Matt Lauer she was “over the party scene” and a “homebody” now, Lindsay Lohan somehow hit a man with her Porche while leaving a Hollywood club last night and then of course drove off without so much as a glance in the rearview mirror. TMZ says:

The 26-year-old Hookah Lounge manager was standing by his car when Lindsay was attempting a 3-point turn and she grazed his knee and his car. We’re told the manager didn’t know who Lindsay was at first and he told the paparazzi on scene and police that he didn’t need medical attention. He was told the driver was Lindsay but he said he wasn’t from this country and didn’t know who she was.

[However], a short time later he began complaining he was injured [and went to] the emergency room and we’re told he is going to press charges and hire an attorney. Cops told us they will open a hit-and-run investigation if the manager files a report.

If the cops determine it was a hit-and-run, then that’s a direct violation of her probation and she could get sent straight back to jail. But we all know that’s not going to happen. Instead, she’s gonna blow that Hookah Lounge manager in the back of his AMC Pacer after her attempts at buying him off with sea jasper and moonstones fail. You just wait and see.

Walking around Hollywood with her nasty nicotine-stained fingers in her mouth the whole time:

Well, technically, she did end up making it to the morgue after all, but she was 40 minutes late and the Coroner’s officials told her she could go fuck hersel. Strong starts are overrated anyway. TMZ says:

Lindsay was supposed to show up by 8 AM, but at 7:40 her assistant called to say she’d be there in 10 minutes.

We’re told Lindsay didn’t show up until 8:40. Her publicist claims she was late “due to a combination of not knowing the entrance to go through and confusion caused by the media waiting for her arrival.”

Lindsay was met at the door by Coroner’s officials who turned her away.

The Coroner’s office then contacted the Probation Dept.’s Volunteer Center and notified them that she was late … AGAIN. That info will be forwarded on to Judge Stephanie Sautner.

I hate to jump to conclusions, but it almost seems like she doesn’t give a shit about the terms of her probation whatsoever. One could get the idea that she denounces all personal culpability and that she respects no authority outside her own. You might even start to think she’s nothing but a spoiled self-entitled cunt who will continue to give the finger to the system as long as they fail to hold her accountable for her actions. I’m sure once she explains what happened, though, we’ll all see how she was really the victim in all this.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 120 days in jail for violating her probation back in May, but due to over-crowding, she was put under house arrest in her $2 million beachfront home without any drug testing or alcohol monitoring whatsoever. But as of yesterday — just 35 days into her 120-day sentence, mind you — she’s now a free woman. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan’s painfully relaxing stint under house arrest is finally OVER!!!

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department, Lohan was officially released at 10:20 AM … ending 35 arduous days of sun-tanning captivity.

I hope the L.A. County Sherriff’s Department is sufficiently embarrassed. Lindsay broke the law countless times (see here, here, here and here, for the most recent examples), and the best they could come up with was to ground her for a month. At this point, they’re basically just my step-dad in a fancier uniform.

I know why the caged bird sings. Because it’s fucking high:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan managed yet again to dodge jail time today, this time skating by on a legal technicality. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan will not go to jail because Judge Stephanie Sautner ruled the prior judge — Elden Fox — only required controlled substances testing from January 3 – February 25, 2011. In other words, Judge Fox did not order alcohol testing.

Judge Sautner said Lindsay is now restricted for the remainder of her house arrest to one friend at a time at her Venice loft, in addition to family members.

[Although] the judge said NO PARTIES at Lindsay’s crib, the Probation Dept. cannot test Lindsay for drugs or alcohol, because there’s no court order allowing it. So Lindsay is free to drink all she wants, as long as she’s not driving after she drinks.

If the Los Angeles penal system were any more ineffectual and weak, they’d be a Dex-based character in Dungeons & Dragons. That is, totally useless you first load up Strength, which means you won’t utilize piercing damage bonuses or dodge capabilities, which by default makes you just a meleer with a piercing damage focused mastery and not a true Dex-based character at all. Sorry, but those are just the cold hard facts.

Arriving at court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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