You know, for a Wild West whore, Megan Fox sure is wearing a lot of clothes. But you have to remember that back in olden times, showing a bit o’ ankle and an uncovered neck was enough to be considered sexy. Just one more reason to be glad you don’t live in the olden times. Well, that, and typhoid and amoebic dysentery. If it’s largely eradicated communicable diseases you want, just try visiting India. The CDC says they got a lot of that over there.

With Josh Brolin:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Mischa Barton is a Serious Actress, y’all.  She is a master of her craft.  Why, she’s almost as talented as an average preschool student with a bit part in the class play!  From Radar Online:

Mischa Barton has been filming a guest spot on the hit NBC crime show Law & Order: SVU but she hasn’t been winning any friends on set. According to a source, Mischa spent all day Tuesday flubbing her lines and the show only shot one scene the whole day – which turned into a 10 hour day because of Mischa’s mistakes.

“She only had seven lines, seven!” the source told RadarOnline.com exclusively about the recently out of rehab actress’ problems with her lines. “Each time she would mess up she would forget her lines and Mariska kept prompting her and saying ‘it’s your line Mischa’.”

According to the source, Mariska Hargitay and the cast and crew on set were losing patience with Mischa’s “unprofessionalism.” To her credit, the actress did apologize, saying “Sorry,” each time she missed her lines.

Oh, well, as long as she says she’s sorry then I bet everyone’s just fine with her being uselessly retarded.  That’s how it always works out when I get so drunk that I vomit at random on passersby and police officers.  When I drool and say “Urp… sorry,” they all just smile and shrug and then bust out with a song-and-dance routine about togetherness and understanding.  At least I think that’s what happens, but I’m usually passed out by that point, so it’s anyone’s guess really.

On set filming her Law & Order episode:

If there’s one thing fat girls never let get in their way, it’s a lack of forks and spoons. Or dignity. Case in point (via Page Six)

At Mischa Barton’s 23rd birthday party at Meatpacking District hot spot SL on Sunday night… the staff surprised Barton with a huge birthday cake but neglected to bring out utensils. By the time waitresses returned with forks and knives, the starlet and her friends had already devoured much of the cake with their bare hands.

If I were a fortune cookie, I’d say “Elastic waist pants and chafing powder are in your future. Lucky numbers 10, 64, 7.” But we all know Mischa would probably just have eaten the little paper inside, because breaking open a cookie to read something is just a waste of valuable chewing and swallowing time. Just one more reason to be thankful you’re not a Chinese dessert.

More of her as a prostitute on Law and Order: SVU:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Hello my pretties, it’s Sarah again.  Abby was supposed to be back from vacation today, but she hit a big of a snag at customs… something about checking in too much luggage and needing permits for the ladies in kennels.  I don’t know.  It’s such a bloody hassle trying to smuggle in Russian prostitutes as mail-order brides these days, you know?  Hey, speaking of hookers, here’s Mischa Barton on set for her guest appearance as a prostitute on “Law & Order SVU”:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s tax return shows that the couple gave $6.4 million dollars to charity this past year. To put that in perspective, I once gave a hobo half of my Egg McMuffin because I was too hungover to eat it. Showbiz 411 says

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t just talk the talk, they walk the walk. According to the 2008 tax return for the Jolie-Pitt Foundation, the Hollywood couple sent over $6 million to charities last year, more than [doubling] what they gave in 2007.

The biggest recipients of their largesse were: Global Health ($2 million), Human Rights Watch ($1 million), Brad’s Make it Right Foundation ($1 million).

Some other notable contributions: $500,000 to the Armed Services YMCA of the U.S. Army; $50,000 to the Springfield, Missouri Public Schools (Brad’s hometown); and roughly a million dollars to projects in Cambodia, the country from which they adopted their first child.

But for every well-intentioned Brangelina you get in Hollywood, there are a dozen more self-important asswipes that make celebritydom the societal equivalent of amoebic dysentery. Take Disney star Miley Cyrus, for example. Page Six says

When Cyrus and a friend came into the Pop Burger on East 58th Street and ordered, the counter manager asked for her name to mark the order. She snapped back, “Are you serious? You don’t recognize me? I’m Miley Cyrus.” The counterman still had no clue who she was, ran her credit card with her name on it and shrugged, “That’s nice for you. Here is your order.”

“That’s nice for you.” Fucking brilliant. Who the hell does this bitch think she is? The only reason a grown-ass man would know anything about Miley Cyrus is if he has a pre-teen daughter or is a registered sex offender with a record. Miley might want to brush up on her target demographic before she pulls the “I’m Miley Cyrus” card in public again.

Leaving her hotel earlier this month, plus dressed as a prostitute for her birthday and various other inappropriate costumes after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

You already met former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s first hooker, Ashely Alexandra Dupre — now meet the other super-classy broad he was porking in his off time. The NY Post says

At the center of the [second prostitution ring] is Kristin “Billie” Davis, a busty bottle blonde who hails from a rough-and-tumble California trailer park. She has a reputation for hard-partying, shameless self-promotion and a rumored 10,000-name-long client list.

Like I told you — claaa-see. But as that old adage goes: “Money can’t buy you love.” It can, however, buy you hormone replacement therapy. Someone at Wicked Models might want to look into that.

Sure-fire she-male:

I’ve often wondered how a professional call girl might have spent her eighteenth birthday. Perusing the foliage at the Botanical Gardens, perhaps? Taking a lap at roller rink fête? Showing her tits to a bunch of drunk guys on a Girls Gone Wild tour bus? Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? The NY Daily News says

Five years ago, Eliot Spitzer’s infamous call girl celebrated her 18th birthday by starring in a racy lesbian spring break flick. Ashley Alexandra Dupré is featured on seven reels of a sexually explicit video called “Spring Break 2003.” GGW CEO Joe Francis told the Daily News “We have some really great footage of Ashley. There’s a shower scene that alone is worth the money. She was really into girl-on-girl action and she was all over the guys, too. Ashley was “a total ‘GGW’ groupie. She hopped on the bus and rolled with us for a week.”

The Dupré videos will be available on girlsgonewild.com at 6 a.m. Wednesday for $4.95 each.

I know somebody’s mother is beaming with pride this morning! It’s like the day she took Ashley for her first abortion and Christmas all rolled into one magical day. “Chribortion Day.” Every mother should get to celebrate it once!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Everything I predicted has come true. Am I psychotic? I’d say all signs point to yes!

SFW stills from Spring Break 2003: Anything Goes: