“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

You already met former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s first hooker, Ashely Alexandra Dupre — now meet the other super-classy broad he was porking in his off time. The NY Post says

At the center of the [second prostitution ring] is Kristin “Billie” Davis, a busty bottle blonde who hails from a rough-and-tumble California trailer park. She has a reputation for hard-partying, shameless self-promotion and a rumored 10,000-name-long client list.

Like I told you — claaa-see. But as that old adage goes: “Money can’t buy you love.” It can, however, buy you hormone replacement therapy. Someone at Wicked Models might want to look into that.

Sure-fire she-male:

I’ve often wondered how a professional call girl might have spent her eighteenth birthday. Perusing the foliage at the Botanical Gardens, perhaps? Taking a lap at roller rink fête? Showing her tits to a bunch of drunk guys on a Girls Gone Wild tour bus? Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? The NY Daily News says

Five years ago, Eliot Spitzer’s infamous call girl celebrated her 18th birthday by starring in a racy lesbian spring break flick. Ashley Alexandra Dupré is featured on seven reels of a sexually explicit video called “Spring Break 2003.” GGW CEO Joe Francis told the Daily News “We have some really great footage of Ashley. There’s a shower scene that alone is worth the money. She was really into girl-on-girl action and she was all over the guys, too. Ashley was “a total ‘GGW’ groupie. She hopped on the bus and rolled with us for a week.”

The Dupré videos will be available on girlsgonewild.com at 6 a.m. Wednesday for $4.95 each.

I know somebody’s mother is beaming with pride this morning! It’s like the day she took Ashley for her first abortion and Christmas all rolled into one magical day. “Chribortion Day.” Every mother should get to celebrate it once!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Everything I predicted has come true. Am I psychotic? I’d say all signs point to yes!

SFW stills from Spring Break 2003: Anything Goes: