If you think there’s a better way to kick-start your Fourth of July weekend celebration than with news of Lindsay Lohan getting punched in the face on her birthday, then you should probably go check your basement, because there’s a good chance the floorboards are packed with fertilizer and nitromethane because you hate America and everything it stands for. Fucking terrorist. Us Magazine says:

Lindsay Lohan was punched by a waitress at L.A. club Voyeur early Friday morning — her 24th birthday.

“A waitress just hit me – punched me for no reason,” the actress Twittered around 1 a.m.

[A witness at the club said], “The waitress has a history with Doug Reinhardt, and Lohan was hanging out with him. She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! [Then] Lohan ran out.”

The night didn’t get better from there.

Lohan went to a party at the nearby Rockstar House — and ran into the waitress again!

“Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well,” says another source. “Some birthday.”

The only way this story gets any better is if there were boobs. And hey, what do you know? Ashley Greene and her boobs at the UK premiere of Eclipse! Praise Lady Liberty, it’s a Fourth of July miracle!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

When greasy buffoon Brad Ferro isn’t busy sucker-punching chicks in the face or dumping quarts of gel in his hair, he spends most of his time educating America’s youth courtesy of your tax dollars. We might as well go ahead and surrender to the Japanese now. According to Page Six

Ferro, 24, was arrested in late August for punching out [fellow Jersey Shore star] Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at the Beachcomber Bar & Grill in Seaside Heights.

Ferro, a teacher at North Queens Community HS, was initially told to lay off the booze by bouncers at the bar because he seemed too drunk, [but] Ferro managed to stay inside the bar and [later] swiped shots belonging to Polizzi that had been placed on the bar top.

“That started a verbal altercation, after which he struck her in the face,” [police] said. “She sustained an injury to the inside of her mouth due to the punch.”

So he got drunk and punched her in the face? I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m pretty sure that’s just how men propose in Italy. I swear, people can be so ignorant of other cultures sometimes.

It’s a shame to waste the words “Spencer Pratt” and “beating” without the words “barely-conscious victim of,” but here goes: Spencer came to the defense of his sister Stephanie’s honor by punching her ex-boyfriend Cameron Huston in the face. Star Magazine says

Things got hostile at swanky West Hollywood lounge Coco de Ville on Jan. 17 when Spencer spotted Cameron and immediately started a heated argument. An eyewitness says Spencer lost it and smashed his sister’s ex in the face!

“Cameron had to be taken to a local hospital,” a witness tells Star. “There was blood; there was screaming. It was a major scene.”

Bullshit. Last time I checked, dog-paddling the air with your eyes squinched shut doesn’t count as actual fighting. The only thing that Spencer knows how to do with his fist involves a frantic up and down motion and several ounces of hand lotion.

With fellow fame whores Heidi Montag, Perez Hilton and the Kardashians at Perez’ book signing: