Aishwarya Rai needs to hit the treadmill instead of the red carpet. Or get a prescription for Adderall like the rest of Hollywood’s new mommies. (Moe Jackson)

Robert Pattinson refused to go full frontal in “Cosmoplis.” If only he’d had the balls to refuse a role in a movie called “Cosmopolis.” (The Blemish)

Britney Spears’ X Factor rider includes everything you’d think — Snickers, Co’ Cola, dresses with a minimum of 85% spandex fabric content. (Celebitchy)

I’m a sucker for Eastern Bloc women — meet Nadia Vieria and her lovely communist underpants. (G Celeb)

Charlize Theron reveals her baby daddy! (The Stir)

Sometimes Hilary Rhoda looks like a man, and sometimes she looks like the most beautiful woman on the planet. She’s your classic Seinfeld two-face. (Hollywood Rag)

Reaction gifs are always funny, especially if there’s crying involved. (Caveman Circus)

So there were a bunch of D-list reality show stars whose names aren’t important enough for me to remember at the Maxim Hot 100 party. Whee. (COED Magazine)

Kim Kardashian and her sad attempts to dress like a lady. A lady of the night, maybe. Even super-expensive designer clothes look cheap on her. (INF Daily)

Because I hate you with a fiery passion: Snooki and JWoww, the extended trailer. (Evil Beet)

Interestingly, this monstrosity of a dress looks equally hideous on Kelly Ripa, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Kate Reardon. Ugly like that is universal! (Bitten & Bound)

Just a random collection of awesome things, because I’m a big subscriber to chaos theory. Also I’m high. (Ned Hardy)

Attention ladies — if you want to have sex with a man tonight, this is how you do it. Act like a fucking retard and don’t wear underpants. I just saved you a solid three hours of witty repartee and the inconvenience of having to remove your undergarments in the backseat of a Honda Civic. (Jezebel)

A nice helping of WTF? for your hump day. (Caveman Circus)

Kristen Stewart is wearing a bra now, but she won’t be for long. But will she ever figure out she can breathe through her nose instead of just her mouth? We may never know! (Fleshbot)

Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton manage to avoid each other while partying on P. Diddy’s yacht. (INF Daily)

Tara Reid has a sixty-year-old boyfriend who speaks French! At least, I think that’s what’s happening here. I’ll be honest, it was all in a foreign language. (Hollywood PQ)

Snooki reveals she’s having a boy. We can only hope his mom’s constant tanning and ball sweat consumption will render him sterile. (Hollywood Rag)

Jessica Alba goes all 1984 on your ass. Swatch watch and Coca-Cola rugby sold separately. (Moe Jackson)

I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason this Hooters Southeast Regional Bikini Competition contestant is wielding a chainsaw. Maybe there’s a talent portion. (Busted Coverage)

Eva Mendes busted wearing the same outfit twice in one week! Big deal. I once wore the same pair of pants five days in a row. (Celeb Slam)

Cameron Diaz is DRUUUUUUUUNK, but I still don’t find her attractive. Beer goggles don’t work in reverse. (The Blemish)

Anderson Cooper kicks The Human Barbie off his stage on his new show after she talks about giving her daughter Botox and plastic surgery coupons. (Celebitchy)

Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey will play the sexy version of John and Jackie Kennedy.
(ONTD)

Olympian Lolo Jones finds being a virgin harder than the hurdles. She must be doing it wrong. (Bitten & Bound)

The cast of Snow White and the Huntsman tap into erotica by reading “50 Shades of Grey” aloud. (Evil Beet)

Yes, yes and yes: Malin Akerman in a bikini for Shape magazine. (G Celeb)

An old video of Beyonce explaining the finer point of playing pool goes viral. (The Daily Stab)

All the Irina Shayk you cannes stand at the Cannes Film Festival. See what I did there? I should probably go lay down now. World play that obscure can really tire a girl out. (Moe Jackson)

Miranda Kerr in Numero Tokyo magazine, which sounds like a magical amalgamation of Latino flair and Japanese excess but really isn’t. (Celebs)

Brad Pitt brings “Killing Me Softly” to Cannes, which I assume is just the name of his version of Blue Steel. (Bitten & Bound)

Kelly Clarkson’s boyfriend is ruining her creativity. And her chances of not losing her legs to type II diabetes. (Hollywood Rag)

Tallulah Morton is topless in Elle France, but I didn’t check out the pics because she looks about 14. (G Celeb)

Taylor Swift camel toe. Don’t be jealous of the tastefulness and finery this job affords me. (Celeb Jihad)

Jennifer Garner’s short film “Serena” only features her from the neck up. (The Stir)

Plus-size model Candice Huffine looks just like VS model Adriana Lima plus forty extra pounds, but she’s naked, so I’m sure you’ll make do. (Skinny vs Curvy)

The trailer for Baz Luhrmann’s “Great Gatsby” looks exactly the way you’d expect a Baz Luhrmann Great Gatsby trailer to look. (Pajiba)

Because who doesn’t love a good photobomb or twenty? (COED Magazine)

Someone stole Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen’s duck pout and RuPaul’s eyebrows! (Caveman Circus)

Ha ha — Sean Penn cries during his Today Show interview. And then probably bitch slaps Ann Curry off camera for making eye contact while he wept. (Celebitchy)

Let’s all take a trip down Gisele Bundchen lane. (Use My Computer)

Gwyneth Paltrow single-handedly ruined “The New Girl.” Most actresses would need two hands, but for her, it just comes naturally. (Celebitchy)

Jackie Chan announces that “Rush Hour 4″ and “Karate Kid 2″ are both in the works. (Hollywood Rag)

Daisy Fuentes still looks damn sexy in a swimsuit at forty-FIVE. That’s right, Daisy Fuentes is 45. Damn I feel old now. (Moe Jackson)

All the new foxy faces of the fall TV lineup, because you should be in the know. (COED Magazine)

Chris Brown is as bad a lipsynching as he is at anger management. (Jezebel)

Pete Doherty has the worst case of coke bloat I’ve ever seen in my life. Yikes. (The Blemish)

Marc Anthony’s new girlfriend is WAAAAY hotter than Jennifer Lopez. By three cups sizes, at least. (Celeb Slam)

The trailer proves it: “Bait 3D” is every bit as stupid as you thought it’d be. (popbytes)

Salma Hayek squashes her magnificent bosom into a corset-style dress and has Jack Sparrow do her eye makeup. (Popoholic)

The new James Bond movie has a trailer out now. This might matter to me if I’d seen either of the last two James Bond movies. (Evil Beet)

Erin McNaught gets McNaughty in Maxim. You know I couldn’t resist. (G Celeb)

Let Russell Peters teach you how to be a man. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Sad news: Bee Gees legend Robin Gibbs dies from cancer over the weekend. (INF Daily)

U-S-A! U-S-A! (Caveman Circus)

As if you needed a reason to look at pics of former Sports Illustrated cover girl Irina Shayk. (Moe Jackson)

Why it’s a good idea to skip Arby’s for lunch. Unless Arby’s wants to advertise on our site, in which case I advocate Arby’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner! (Hollywood Rag)

The “Anchorman 2″ teaser trailer is finally here! Smelly pirate hookers of the world rejoice. (Seriously? OMG)

How the hell is Diane Kruger making her boobs do that? Is she magic? (popoholic)

Dog the Bounty Hunter is getting real-life death threats. I assume it has something to do with the unholy color of his hair. (Bitten & Bound)

Gasp — are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez really breaking up? Oh, fractious day! (That Gossip Site)

Laughter is the best medicine… so you should look at some funny pictures and tell your boss you’re doing it for your health as part of your long-term plan to lower insurance premiums and ultimately save the company money. (Caveman Circus)

Tilda Swinton as a tranny on the cover of Candy, the world’s first tranny magazine. Really. (Hollywood PQ)

Video of Henry Rollins wrestling an alligator! Because why wouldn’t he be wrestling an alligator? He’s Henry fucking Rolllins! (Pop Candy)

You might not know who this chick is, but she’s a model and her name is Oceana. She’s the closest thing you’ll get to an actual mermaid on a Friday afternoon. (G Celeb)

Rihanna’s tube top is really more of a tube bra. (The Grumpiest)

And speaking of Rihanna, her friends are claiming she’s spiraling out of control on the express train to Whitney Houston-ville. (Evil Beet)

Cheryl Cole says everyone should forgive Chris Brown for that beating he gave Rihanna. Okay, but she can’t seriously expect us to forgive him for “Yeah 3X.” (Holy Moly!)

Britney Spears looks like a forty-something day shift stripper who’s been up for the last 36 hours straight doing meth in a Days Inn with two truckers she met at a rest stop in Bristol. (Hollywood Rag)

If Miley Cyrus’ shorts were any higher on her body, they’d be under her chin. (Moe Jackson)

Disco queen Donna Summer died today at the age of 63. Now I have a perfectly good reason for wearing sequined satin hot pants all day. (Celebitchy)

GTK — Miley Cyrus doesn’t swallow. (Celeb Slam)

Nicole Scherzinger had someone make her a dress out of a gate and let a nearsighted tranny do her makeup. (The Blemish)

Pictures of Seinfeld’s J. Peterman feeling up 80′s supermodel Christie Brinkley. Old people have urges too, I guess. (Hollywood Tuna)

Matt Damon might as well be part Orc with that shaved head. He looks awful bald. (Right Celebrity)

How to be awkward at a bar! Lucky for me, I don’t need any help in that department. (College Candy)

The Ladies of the IFBB NY Pro Bikini contest. Did you hear that? They’re pros! (Busted Coverage)

Your daily dose of Ryan Gosling, because he’s also pretty on the inside. (Evil Beet)

Was there ever a famous painting NOT improved by cats? (Ned Hardy)

Print this out and keep it in your wallet just in case you’re the first human ever to make alien contact. You’ll be glad you did. You don’t wanna be known as “that guy who fucked it up for Earth.” (Caveman Circus)

Queen Latifah and the case for not coming out. (Jezebel)

This right here is why I love Charlize Theron. That she’s a fellow stoner and absolutely gorgeous is just icing on the cake. (Celebitchy)

Imogen Thomas’ rack is huge. That’s really all you need to know here. (G Celeb)

Cameron Diaz in a see-through dress… but there isn’t anything sexy about it. (The Grumpiest)

I swear this bitch is 38 if she’s a day. (The Dirty)

Twenty sexy Jessica Alba magazine covers, in case you wanted to re-wallpaper your room. (CityRag)

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in an outfit made of nothing but spandex and lycra. (popoholic)

Michael Fassbender of the Huge Dong in this month’s GQ magazine. No, there’s no pictures of his dong. I already checked. (popbytes)

At first I thought this was the sexiest janitorial staff I’d ever seen, but then I realized it was People in Espanol’s 50 Most Beatiful awards. My mistake. (Moe Jackson)

Michelle Pfeiffer retains her hotness, even at 50-something. (Hollywood Rag)

One hundred and twenty-one of the sexiest Megan Fox instagram photos, if you want to bask in empty vanity for a while. (COED Magazine)

When properly attired in a tiny red dress and high heels, Hayden Panettiere can look pretty hot. (Bitten & Bound)

Hey, look! For once, Kesha doesn’t look like a hot bag of squashed crap. I’ll be damned. (Evil Beet)

Miranda Kerr dresses up as a Grecian goddess at the Women of Style Awards. (Celeb Slam)

Kris Jenner’s beauty is just about as natural as her daughter’s, as evidenced by her enormous fake top lip. (The Blemish)

Is it just me, or does Zooey Deschanel look like SNL’s Fred Armisen in a Bettie Page wig? (Evil Beet)

Carrie Underwood disgraces her new husband with a bunch of sexy pictures. I think I speak for everyone when I say “fuck you, Mike Fisher.” (Celeb Jihad)

Transformers 3 star Isabel Lucas looks like she punched her way out of a grave after doing blow all night. I think it’s the shade of lipstick she’s wearing. (Hollywood Rag)

In case you needed more than “it’s a poor people drug,” 12 reasons to never do meth. (COED Magazine)

22 things a burglar would never tell you. Like how that sweater really brings out the green in your eyes or that you strike him as a Sagittarius with Capricorn tendencies. (Caveman Circus)

One Republic drummer arrested after going on a rampage! Maybe someone sat him down and forced him to listen to him music for three hours straight. That’d set me off on a rampage, too. (Bitten & Bound)

Gwyneth Paltrow is smiling like that in the hopes you won’t notice that she forgot to brush her heir. (INF Daily)

LeAnn Rimes is thinking about taking out a restraining order against Brandi Glanville. That should work out nicely for the stepkids and everything. (Celebitchy)

Lady Gaga’s sold-out Indonesian concert is canceled. They can go back to plague and plight now. (Allie is Wired)

Hilary Duff is still chunky. There, I said it. (G Celeb)

Kim Kardashian posts a pic of herself as the New Jersey tan mom. Oh, that Kim and her hijinx. (The Stir)

Some legendary Barney Stinson quotes, for those of you who can actually stand “How I Met Your Mother.” (Caveman Circus)

Miami Dolphin cheerleader tryouts. You’re welcome. (Busted Coverage)

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr in her underwear FTMFW! (G Celeb)

Is the insufferable Karmin run already over? Yeah, I have no idea what those words mean. (Gawker)

Maria Menounos shows off her Dancing with the Stars sculpted legs in a minidress. (popoholic)

Victoria Silvstedt might as well be a blowup doll at this point. She looks like the unholy result of fusing plastic with silicon and rubber. (The Grumpiest)

Brandi Glanville says she wanted to stab LeAnn Rimes right in her stupid implants. (Celebitchy)

Cristiano Ronaldo hand-feeds chocolates to his Sports Illustrated swimsuit model girlfriend Irina Shayk. Personally, I’d rather see him hand-feed her a sloppy joe. (Moe Jackson)

The lovely Jennifer Metcalfe in Loaded magazine. (Hollywood Rag)

Kristen Stewart is incapable of closing her mouth, even for an Elle photoshoot. (Skinny vs Curvy)

Kim Kardashian in a Kris Jenner wig is equally unpleasant as the real Kris Jenner herself. (Bitten & Bound)

Now you’ll never have to wonder what Jennifer Love Hewitt will look like in twenty years. (Evil Beet)

Undeniable proof that Arrested Development is returning! Never-nudes everywhere rejoice! (Crushable)

Charlize Theron in some serious fuck-me ankle boots. The baby ruins the whole aesthetic, though. (Moe Jackson)

If you’re a fan of bulging neck veins, then this gif’s for you. (Caveman Circus)

Nina Dobrev touches Conan O’Brien’s wiener with her feet while doing some kind of crazy handstand/backbend thing like she’s Cirque de Soleil or something. (Socialite Life)

Jennifer Lopez admits to having postpartum depression. Tom Cruise insists, “She’s glib!” (That Gossip Site)

Chelsea Handler minus makeup = the Red Skull’s zombie sister. (Bitten & Bound)

However Sofia Vergara minus makeup = boobs. Do the math — it checks out. (INF Daily)

And the additive inverse of hot: Eva Longoria plus makeup = open casket. (popoholic)

I know you’ve been thinking about this whole Obama gay marriage thing and just wondering, “Yeah, but what does Bristol Palin have to say about it?” (Evil Beet)

Get ready to cream your fanboy panties: The Avengers is getting a sequel. (popbytes)

Russell Brand will be hosting this years MTV Movie Awards, which I will not be watching, not because it’s Russell Brand, but because it’s the fucking MTV Movie Awards. (The Blemish)

Find out if Community and Parks & Recreaction got renewed for another season. (Pajiba)

Howard Stern’s Today Show interview was so wincingly uncomfortable that I actually couldn’t watch the whole thing. And he totally stole Rodney Dangerfield’s schtick. (Right Celebrity)

George Lucas is straight up gangsta. (The Superficial)

Amber Heard is naturally gorgeous. That is all. (popoholic)

Carmen Electra bikini pics never get old, even though it’s not 1996. (Hollywood Rag)

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irina Shayk shows off the goods in her new photoshoot for W magazine. (Moe Jackson)

Hilary Clinton does not give a fuck. (Jezebel)

AnnaLynne McCord scrubs off all her foundation and posts her real face on Twitter, pustules and all. I respect that. So does Hilary Clinton. (The Blemish)

Sofia Vergara is single again! Not like you have a chance with her. (Celeb Slam)

Jermaine Paul wins “The Voice” — watch the finale, or go back to picking lint off your sleeve. Equally mesmerizing. (Bitten & Bound)

Maria Menounos knows how to work a string bikini. (The Grumpiest)

Zooey Deschanel will never be sexy, but she sure can do cute. (Evil Beet)

A bunch of British Page 3 girls in American cheerleader costumes, because boobs = newsworthy! (COED Magazine)

Proof that Facebook is making you stupid. (Caveman Circus)

It’s a wank-off, and you’re invited! (Thank Your Wank)

Jessica Lowndes does see-through black lace a whole lot better than Beyonce. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna partied so hard after the Met Gala that she ended up in the hospital. Most of my best college stories end the exact same way. And yes, I know “exact same” is redundant. So is your face. (Celebitchy)

Doutzen Kroes was the only Victoria’s Secret model not to disappoint at the Met Gala last night. And I promise I’ll stop talking about the Met Gala now. (Moe Jackson)

Ridiculously hot Russian MMA ring girls, because chances are good you can buy them on the black market. (COED Magazine)

VS model Candice Swanepoel rocks an afro for Vogue. See, this is why men don’t subscribe to Vogue. (Hollywood Rag)

Ten hilarious gifs, because if your life sucks as much as mine does, you could sure use a laugh right now. (Caveman Circus)

Justin Bieber is a high school graduate! If only I could say the same thing about my current boyfriend. Only two more years to go, though! (Evil Beet)

Tim Tebow in a tuxedo: Jesus approves! (Bitten & Bound)

Is this Jessica Alba sex tape video real? Probably not, but a girl can dream. (Celeb Jihad)

Anna Kournikova tries desperately to still be relevant in Jezebel magazine. (G Celeb)

Ever wondered what Scarlett Johansson would look like with 18-inch biceps? Well, somebody did, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. (City Rag)

Pete Doherty is now selling Amy Winehouse’s blood paintings to support his heroin habit. (popbytes)

Concrete proof that Cloris Leachman and Steven Tyler are NOT the same person. I know, I was just as shocked as you are! (Seriously? OMG)

Jessica Simpson and stoner-approved pizza cupcakes! (Ned Hardy)

Gisele Bundchen was apparently just as embarrassed by Tom Brady’s hair as the rest of the Patriots were. (INF Daily)