Hef’s new sluts are felons.  He totally doesn’t care.  You know he likes it rough. (IDLYITW)

Sex rehab apparently sucked the life right out of David Duchovny.  That’ll certainly make for a compelling explanation when he falls off the wagon.  “But honey, I had to have sex with all four of those girls at once, or I could have died!” (BauerGriffin)

This crazy old lady disagrees with Agent Mulder, and says sex will drive you to an early grave.  Whatever, granny.  I’m willing to make a few sacrifices, including taking several years off my life. (The Sun)

Suri Cruise needs a haircut.  Can she even see with those bangs in her face? (ASL)

Avril Lavigne’s hobgoblin husband might leave her.  That’s what you get when you’re a talentless, narcissistic, jackassy poseur. (WIMB)

The trailer for The Unborn = gross.  Gross gross gross.  Guh-ross.  Also: awesome. (Pajiba)

Melanie Brown (Scary Spice) is in her knickers. (The Superficial)

There’s a geriatric catfight brewing betwixt Tina Turner and Aretha Franklin.  Dudes, did I not tell you earlier that it is a slow news day?  Also, warning: the header pic in this article is terrifying and vaguely NSFW. (CelebNewsWire)

Nobody likes Jennifer Lopez. (The Blemish)

Joe Son (Random Task in the first Austin Powers film) has been charged with 17 felony counts in connection with an incredibly brutal gang rape which took place in 1990.  I have nothing funny to say about this. (Celebslam)

Moving on to something significantly less disgusting and depressing: remember that Anna Kournikova Maxim spread from awhile back?  Well, apparently the German issue has some previously unseen shots. (Popoholic)

Kate Beckinsale looking like a Grecian goddess. (Use My Computer)

300’s Gerard Butler punches a photographer in the face. (Holy Moly)

Carmen Electra knocked up? (CelebNewsWire)

Helen Hunt nipple-mania! (Mr. Skin)

Li’l Wayne decides to freeze his assets. Literally. (MollyGood)

Nick and Mariah will make you want to puke. (Seriously? OMG)

Kirsten Dunst has a new gig, and it’s not feeding on the blood of the young and virile. (Bricks and Stones)

Just how similar was Kenley’s dress to Alexander McQueen’s? (Best Week Ever)

Heather Mills would rather milk women than cows. Me too! (Derek Hail)

Sarah Silverman looks like a total douche. (Evil Beet)

Zack Galifianakis Jason Priestly joins the new 90210! (Websters)

Gasp — is Jamie Lynn Spears already pregnant again? (Holy Moly)

See what Heidi Klum looks like without all the makeup. (Hollywood Rag)

Bill Mahr as Michael Moore with a shave and a Slim-Fast. (Pajiba)

Aubrey O’Day is too much of a whore for Danity Kane. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Kanye West draws his inspiration from masturbatory narcissism and sociopathic fantasizing. Explains why he always thanks Jesus when he wins an award. (Websters)

Happy Michael Phelps day to you! (MollyGood)

Jennifer Love Hewitt nipple-age! (Ninja Dude)

Katherine McPhee looking McFugly. (Bastardly)

The new Bond girls — without pants! (The Grumpiest)

Rob Lowe has the best taste in nannies. (Pretty Boring)

Nudists and monkeys overtake Tokyo! (College Candy)

First pics of Minnie Driver’s new baby! (Holy Moly)

Your dreams of shitting on Victoria Beckham’s face can finally come true, provided your bones are hollow and you’re covered in feathers. (CelebNewsWire)

Former Victoria’s Secret model Laetitia Casta T & A! (Mr. Skin)

Matt Lauer makes the fatal journalistic mistake of asking a Kennedy about their family. Awk-ward!(MollyGood)

Kristin Bell gets boned — extended Sarah Marshall scene screen caps! (CelebSlam)

MILF-off: Jenny McCarthy vs. Jennifer Lopez edition. (The Bastardly)

Irrefutable proof that the new Bond girl should be burned at the stake. (The Blemish)

Boo-fucking-hoo: Madonna bans Sarah Palin from any of her concerts. (Websters)

Britney actually looks hot in her new “Womanizer” video. (Celebrity Smack)

Vanessa Hudgens channels her inner cholita. (Use My Computer)

At least Victoria Beckham knows she’s not sexy. (Holy Moly)

Start repenting, bitches — the End of Days is nigh. (Websters)

Miley Cyrus whores it up at her Disney sweet sixteen birthday party. (MollyGood)

Jessica Simpson’s getting married! And probably divorced! (Ninja Dude)

The Heidi Montag camel toe is in there somewhere — you have to keep looking… (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Thought the Drew Barrymore’s “annoying factor” would be lessened by not having to see her face? Don’t worry — she’s just as annoying through vocalization alone! (Pajiba)

How many guys can say they’ve gone surfing with the gilled Grim fucking Reaper? (The Rad Report)

Ashley Tisdale might be a fugly mess, but at least she’s got hot legs. (Bastardly)

Salma Hayek nip slip! (Celebitchy)

Tina Fey is once again masterful as Sarah Palin in the VP debates. (popbytes)

Elizabeth Hurley flashes her cooch! (CityRag)

OJ Simpson finally gets dealt a little justice. (Hollywood Grind)

Hayden Panettiere in a muzzle? I’ll take two, please! (Bricks and Stones)

Bar Rafaeli looks delicious at Tommy Hilfiger’s Bravo TV Special party. (Bastardly)

Now where have I seen that face before? Oh, right — on Lindsay Lohan. (Websters)

Now you know the mechanics of Sarah Palin’s brain, thanks to this handy flowchart! (Mollygood)

Save the most important mounds in the world — Dolly Parton’s. (Holy Moly)

Sienna Miller saves a paparazzo from drowning. Good thing he was floating penis-up. (CelebNewsWire)

Much-ballyhooed-but-never-before-seen Celine Dion boobage! (Mr. Skin)

Hayden Panettiere apparently drew on her eyebrows with a dull crayon. (CelebSlam)

Sam Rockwell as Oedipus. Kinda. (Pajiba)

Sophie Monk falls victim to saddlebags and cellulite. (Drunken Stepfather)

Danielle Lloyd practically naked in Loaded magazine. (Use My Computer)

Anne Hathaway talks about ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri on The Late Show. (Celebrity Odor)

Adnan changes his tune about the Britney sex tape. (Holy Moly)

The stupidest fucking jeans advertisement I’ve ever seen. (Mollygood)

Nick Hogan gets out of prison in time for Halloween. Maybe he’ll go as a butt pirate. (Websters)

Rose McGowan goes back to black. Well, maybe more “chestnut brown.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)

I always pegged Justin Timberlake as an on-the-bottom kind of guy. (Bastardly)

Rosie O’Donnell gets her own NBC show! Be sure and set your Tivos. (Seriously? OMG)

Lenny Kravitz is immune to Naomi Campbell’s magic. (CelebWarship)

Diora Baird photo shoot for Maxim UK is as hot as you think it is. (Derek Hail)

Nikki Blonsky’s mom goes straight for the puss in a fight! (The Blemish)

The top ten WORST directors in Hollywood. You know how I love a good top ten! (Pajiba)

Jeremy Piven can’t even get laid by a midget. (Pretty Boring)

It seems that George Clooney’s parents forgot to teach him the oh-so-important lesson of shame. (Websters)

Amy Smart bares it all in her new movie, and now you can see it all! (Mr. Skin)

Sean Penn kissed a man. And he liked it. The taste of his cherry Chapstick. God I hate myself. (CelebNewsWire)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets bitch-slapped by Barbara! Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Mollygood)

Runway model double nip-slip! (Hollywood Rag)

Dita von Teese does her best Oswald Cobblepot. (Holy Moly)

Aaaand Jennifer Lopez as The Joker. (Bastardly)

Sacha Baron Cohen gets arrested for crashing a Milan fashion show. (Ninja Dude)

Kim Kardashian gets the boot on DWTS! But not to the face like I’d hoped. (CelebSlam)

You’d be better off sticking your penis inside a headless bat than inside Kelly Osbourne’s cooter. (Holy Moly)

Something smells fishy, and it’s not just Adnan Ghalib’s chin pubes! (Websters)

Katy Perry’s got that look that says “anal impalement.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Audrina Partridge’s fake tits throw another party. (The Grumpiest)

Dita von Teese says she’s shy. Her videos would suggest otherwise. (Celebitchy)

When did Russell Crowe morph into Kirstie fucking Alley? (CityRag)

Top 10 3AM infomercial products that don’t suck! (Coed Magazine)

Chace Crawford attempts to overcome his gayface by pouting next to two other damp dudes on the cover of Details. (MollyGood)

Adriana Lima, Andriana Lima, and even more Adriana Lima! (The Bastardly)

Michael Phelps gets waxed! (popbytes)

Heath Ledger’s estate is going where it should — to his daughter. (Holy Moly)

Adnan Ghalib confirms the Britney sex tape! (The Blemish)

Where does Hayden Panettiere rank on your Bastardly Sexiest Women list? (The Bastardly)

Barack Obama may be the Antichrist. Sure explains the celebrity following. (MollyGood)

Tennis star Rafael Nadal’s magnificent bare ass! (CelebSlam)

Imagine Orwell without the fangs and you’ve got yourself “Eagle Eye.” (Pajiba)

Tom and Katie just crossed the line from “creepy” to “terrifying.” (Websters)

Kendra Wilkinson’s magnificently naked funbags for your viewing pleasure! (Mr. Skin)

See if you can guess which one is the real Sarah Jessica Parker. (Agent Bedhead)

Anne Hathaway on butt sex: “Every girl should try it.” Sold! (The Rad Report)

That’s just what happens when you go down face first in Janet Jackson’s lap — you puke. (CelebNewsWire)

Interviewing Paris Hilton must be like interviewing a brain-damaged goldfish. (Bastardly)

Locked in her prison all day long, Katie Holmes makes scrapbooks for friends. What do you want to bet there’s secret messages written in invisible ink in there? (Celebitchy)

If you’re the masochistic type and want some punishment, you could always listen to Britney Spear’s new single. (Ninjadude)

Oh noes! Could Miley Cyrus not be able to “sing” anymore? The travesty!
(WIMB)

Robe Lowe makes killing birds funny! Don’t tell PETA, they’re a bunch of spoil sports. (Seriously? OMG!)

Lindsay Lohan has filed a restraining order against her dad. A piece of paper won’t keep him away, Linds, but a nice 9mm will. (The Blemish)

A first look at Tim Burton’s take on Alice in Wonderland. Opiates are optional! (INF Daily)

Britney Spears wigs out again! This might actually be an improvement on her cheap-ass extensions. (Mollygood)

Jennifer Ellison sounds like a likely candidate for the Xenu-juice. (Holy Moly!)

Dita von Teese looks Dita von Delicious! (Bastardly)

Natalie Portman finally gets rid of her scruffy-looking nerfherder. (Ninjadude)

Christina Aguilera-Space Clown of the 24th and Half Century! (MTV Buzzworthy)

Lindsay Lohan’s relapsing into her old way of life. Next stop, penis! (Anything Hollywood)

All the people you don’t know and don’t care about were on Fox Reality Channel’s Reality Awards last night. (WIMB)