Tiger Wood’s home-wrecking whore Rachel Uchitel has gone and completed a private investigator course. Raise your hand if you think she earned herself some “extra credit”. Says Radar Online,

Rachel Uchitel, the New York woman who allegedly had an affair with Tiger Woods, has completed a private investigator course and graduated with top of the class honors, RadarOnline.com has learned.

Uchitel, 36, took her PI exam on Thursday after completing an intense 10-week course.

She took to Twitter to spread the news, writing: “I PASSED. 97 percentile on the Exam.. Graduated top of the class.. So thrilled.”

Uchitel added: “Get ready to be frisked people!”

She graduated with the second best test result in the history of the academy.

Yeah, I bet when she was handed her certificate, the men in the room were all making the blowjob motion with their hands and tongues thrusting into their cheeks behind her back. I’d be interested to see her reaction though, when she finds out that being a “private investigator” has nothing to do with checking out men’s penises. She probably thought that after her thorough work on Tiger, she’d just go make a career out of it.

Back in January:

Now that Tiger Woods is single, the first whore among the many to be revealed in the months following his car accident is ready to “give up everything” to get him back again. It’s just like a fairytale, if fairytales had more golden showers and butt sex in them. TMZ says:

Rachel Uchitel has just told a very close friend that she wants [Tiger] back.

The friend — someone we know spoke to Rachel yesterday — tells TMZ Rachel said … “I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me.”

Rachel added, “I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

She’d give up everything to be with him? Does that include the $10 million he paid her to keep her from running her stupid trap to the tabloids, or just her dignity and self-respect? Sorry, but you can’t give away what you don’t already have. I checked.

The first whore to be unearthed in the Tiger Woods sex scandal is joining the distinguished ranks of Vh1′s “Celebrity Rehab,” even though she technically doesn’t have a problem with substance abuse. Unless less you count semen as a substance, in which case Rachel Uchitel has a very serious problem. The Daily Mail says:

The 35-year-old, who’s also admitted to having a ‘romantic relationship’ with married Bones star David Boreanaz, checked into [Celebrity Rehab's] Pasadena Recovery Center on Saturday, [where] she will be encouraged to talk about her six month affair.

What’s her poison? Allegedly, she has an addiction to love.

Uchitel ‘has made some bad relationship choices and is being given the chance to deal with some issues,’ a source told [Us] magazine. ‘She doesn’t do drugs and isn’t an alcoholic, but she does have problems with relationships.’

An “addiction to love?” Gah. That’s totally fucking bogus. Dr. Drew would have just lost all credibility with me, had he had any credibility in the first place. But I don’t see the point of arguing that the lowest-common-denominator-approach cheapens the integrity of the show. It’s called “Celebrity Rehab,” for Chrissakes. It’d be like complaining there are too many flies on your shit sandwich.

The first whore to surface in the Tiger Woods sex scandal is going to let the whole world see where Tiger put his pee-pee. I just hope for their sake both her parents are already dead. TMZ says

Rachel Uchitel has signed a deal to get naked for Playboy Magazine.

A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks.

I don’t care how many call girls and mistresses responsible for bringing down high-profile marriages Hugh Hefner puts on the cover of his magazine, it still doesn’t change the fact that in this day and age, Playboy is virtually obsolete. There’s still the merchandising and the reality shows and the image is still marketable, yes, but the days of guys driving to the store to buy soft-core porno mags are over. It’s called “the internet.” You might have heard of it. Al Gore invented it a few years back. No one in their right mind is gonna pay six bucks to stare at a bowl of plain airbrushed noodles when they could have an entire all-you-can-masturbate double penetration buffet. In this economy, people want to get the most bang for their buck.

Doing whore stuff in Paris:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Rachel Uchitel, the first of the many skanks revealed to be Tiger Woods’ mistress, is staring down a lawsuit from the woman who told the National Enquirer all about her sexy times with Tiger. I guess being a dirty lying whore just doesn’t return it used to. Radar Online says

Ashley Samson was the first person to reveal the romantic relationship between Tiger and Rachel.

Before [all the] other women [came] forward to reveal their affairs with him, Rachel tried to protect [Tiger] by denying the affair and making highly derogatory statements about Ashley. She not only said she barely knew Ashley, but then went on to term her a party girl and accuse her of doing drugs.

But now Ashley is looking at filing a [defamation] lawsuit against Rachel. “Rachel trashed her [publicly] and lied,” one source told RadarOnline.com. “That made Ashley furious.”

You know, Tiger Woods should really sue himself for defamation of character. Then everybody wins.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin Online

PHOTO CREDIT: NY Daily News

Vegas nightclub executive Kalika Moquin has become the third woman implicated in an affair with Tiger Woods. Dude gets around. The NY Daily News says

Moquin, a hot brunette marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, hooked up with Woods more than once at his Las Vegas hotel during the weekend of Oct. 23.

“They’ve hooked up a bunch of times,” [a] source said.

How could Tiger be sticking his penis in every thirty-something-year old across the nation without his wife finding out, you ask? Well, it seems she had known about it long enough to place a very pissy call to Jaimee Grubbs (that’s skankwad #2, for those of you keeping track). According to TMZ

Co-workers [say] on Friday — the day of Tiger’s crash — Jaimee received a call from a blocked number. Jaimee answered and asked who was on the line. The caller did not identify herself but said, “You know who this is because you’re [fucking] my husband.”

But it was Rachel Uchitel (skank #1) — not Jaimee Grubbs — that triggered the blowup between Tiger and his wife the day of the accident. TMZ says

Less than an hour before Tiger’s accident, Rachel and Tiger were texting each other. Elin confronted Tiger and grabbed the phone and called Rachel to confront her. Tiger and Elin began arguing and the phone broke in the process.

There was damage as a result of the altercation in the vestibule area of Tiger’s home — damage that cannot be easily repaired, and that is why Tiger would not let police come in.

Uchitel’s lawyer, Gloria Allred, will hold a news conference today at 11:30 AM PT with Uchitel present.

I’m not exactly sure why Ms. Uchitel went and got herself a lawyer, because it’s not liked you can get sued for fucking someone’s husband. Last time I checked, being a dirty whore wasn’t a punishable offense. At least, that’s what they told me when I tried to get Morris, Morris & Gilbertson on retainer.

BONUS: Tiger’s voicemail to Jamiee asking her to remove any incriminating evidence from her phone the day of the crash after the jump.

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Rachel Uchitel pulled out of her scheduled press conference a half hour before it was set to air. It is speculated that Tiger paid her off to keep quiet. And by “speculated” I mean “no shit, Sherlock.” I’m the Watson to your Holmes.

From left to right: Rachel Uchitel, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Grubbs, plus some of the crash scene photos courtesy TMZ:

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In addition to Rachel Uchitel, three more women have now come forward claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods, including one Jamie Grubbs, cocktail waitress turned “Tool-Academy” contestant. K-lassy. According to Radar Online

Grubbs was a cocktail waitress in San Diego when she met Tiger in 2007 at Light nightclub in Las Vegas. She describes an off-and-on three year sexual affair. Grubbs provided sexual text messages she said she received from Tiger.

“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got [fucked]?” one message read. Another one from Tiger read, “Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”

Grubbs [claimed] that during her affair with Woods his wife became suspicious. According to Grubbs, Woods said, “My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.”

Adding to her credibility is the fact that Jamiee had been talking about having an affair with Tiger weeks before his accident. TMZ says

Jaimee Grubbs — the cocktail waitress who claims she hooked up with Tiger Woods — bragged about her relationship with Tiger at work, even playing a voicemail he left her in front of her coworkers.

An employee at Stone Rose Lounge in L.A. — where Jaimee works — [said that] Tiger’s alleged mistress came into work last Friday and played the infamous voicemail — in which Tiger reportedly asks Jaimee to remove her name from her outgoing message because his wife was suspicious.

Us Weekly has the voicemail and will publish it soon.

Really, you’re banging some chick that didn’t make it off the “For the Love of Ray J” casting couch and had to settle for a role on “Tool Academy?” Jesus Christ. You’re Tiger fucking Woods. There’s scraping the bottom of the barrel, and then there’s digging a hole under the barrel and fucking whatever wriggles out from underneath. I think she’s named Grubbs for a reason.

UPDATE: Tiger has just released a statement apologizing for his “sins” and asking for forgiveness. Still no word on a formal apology to his penis for sticking him inside that Grubbs skank, but it’s expected to be forthcoming.

Just who is this Rachel Uchitel, the New York club manager accused of having a fling with Tiger Woods that sparked a battered husband’s desperate escape-turned-car-crash? Well, first of all, she wants you to know that she’s not a homewrecker, even though she fucked “Bones” star David Borneaz all through his wife’s pregnancy. That was before, you see. And the whole Tiger thing was made up by two “drug-abusing hookers” that sold the story to the tabloids for money, making her the victim in all this. Except maybe not. The Enquirer says

Rachel has been caught in outright lies.

Rachel traveled to Australia to meet with Tiger while he played earlier this month in the Australian Masters, but Rachel initially told us she traveled there with a boyfriend.

In a later conversation, however, she admitted she had lied about going to Australia with a boyfriend. She said she was in the country “for business.”

She also said she was not in Tiger’s hotel. But an Enquirer reporter eye witnessed her IN the hotel.

She then said she did not go to the floor of the hotel where Tiger was staying.

But an ENQUIRER reporter in Melbourne watched as Rachel checked in to the posh Crown Towers hotel, and went up to the 35th floor, which houses the hotel’s ritzy VIP Suite [where Tiger was staying].

Sir Walter Scott famously said, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive,” but that seems a little pretentious given the situation. “Liar, liar, pants on fire” really sums it up a whole lot better.

Golf sensation Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident over the weekend after driving his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree at two in the morning. He issued the following statement on his official website:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

What “false and malicious” rumors is he talking about, you ask? Namely, that he was caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren with some floozy named Rachel Uchitel, and that the “accident” was more of “Elin chasing him down the driveway with a golf club and bashing out the back windshield before he hit the hydrant” kind of situation. According to TMZ

Tiger Woods did not suffer facial lacerations from a car accident. They were inflicted by his wife, Elin Nordegren.

We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and she scratched his face up. It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

We’re told Woods became “distracted,” thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree.

And further corroborating the second version of events is his telling a friend he needed the “Kobe special” to make things right with his wife. TMZ adds

During the phone conversation on Friday, Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him. Tiger told the friend his wife had scratched his face up during an argument over a report that the golf great had cheated on her.

Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’”

The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”

The Kobe reference is the now-famous house/ring he gave his wife Vanessa after [his infidelities were made public].

So that’s the Kobe Special? I thought it was “clamping your hand over a white girl’s mouth while using your knee to pry her legs apart.” I’ll be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how that was going to help matters for him. The other definition makes a whole lot more sense.