“Thirty Rock” star Tracy Morgan took to the stage at Times Square comedy club Carolines this week in his first stand-up routine since he went on a poorly-received homophobic rant earlier this month. He was careful not to offend the gays this time, instead focusing his rapist’s wit on the oft-overlooked retard demographic. The NY Times says:

Resuming his routine, Mr. Morgan warned his audience, “Don’t ever mess with women who have retarded kids.” As groans and cries of “Uh-oh” were heard, he continued, “Them young retarded males is strong. They’re strong like chimps.”

Finally, he concluded with a bit about his alleged teenage romance with a girl he described as “a cripple” with a prosthetic arm, a mechanical larynx and a portable dialysis machine.

Ask any seventh grade bully on the back of a bus — it’s always better to go after the retards. Half the time, retards don’t even know you’re making fun of them, and the ones that are savvy enough to realize you’re mocking them usually have a hard time articulating their disapproval, on account of the retarded-ness and all. It’s best to pick battles you know you’re gonna win. Paricularly if you’re not funny or talented in the least.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at another Transformers 3 premiere, because Tracy Morgan looks like a retarded chimp himself:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Russell Crowe ruffled some feathers when he took to Twitter yesterday to denounce the centuries-old tradition of circumcision. Says E! Online:

It looks like Russell Crowe is now eating crow after ranting on Twitter about his views on a certain kind of snipping.

“Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature? Is it real that GOD requires a donation of foreskin?” wrote the Oscar winner on Thursday after a fan asked if he should have his son’s removed. “Babies are perfect.”

The actor then proceeded to urge those of the Jewish faith to ease up on all those ceremonial circumcisions.

“I love my Jewish friends, I love the apples and the honey and the funny little hats but stop cutting yr babies @eliroth,” Crowe wrote to the director of his upcoming movie The Man With the Iron Fist.

“I will always stand for the perfection of babies, i will always believe in God, not man’s interpretation of what God requires,” insisted Crowe, adding: “last of it, if u feel it is yr right 2 cut things off yr babies please unfollow and f**k off, I’ll take attentive parenting over barbarism.”

After all that, though, Crowe soon realized that he may have offended a few folks, so he opted to remove all his remarks from his page and serve up an apology.

“I have a deep and abiding love for all people of all nationalities, I’m very sorry that I have said things on here that have caused distress,” he typed today. “My personal beliefs aside I realize that some will interpret this debate as me mocking the rituals and traditions of others. I am very sorry.”

I’m sorry, but “correcting nature” sometimes is a very good thing. I’ve naturally got a unibrow and a mustache, and you’d thank me very kindly for plucking and waxing if I let nature take its course and I gave the bearded lady a run for her money. So if I don’t like the peen shrouded like some mystery meat, that’s my preference, thankyouverymuch.

Rebecca Romijn in Vegas Magazine, because a hot Russell Crowe is something you only see in Gladiator nowadays:

Tracy Morgan took time from his busy schedule of fascinating zoo-goers from his alcove at the Great Apes exhibit to go on an anti-gay rant. It’s nice to know that he’s not limited by only flinging physical poo, isn’t it? Says Digital Spy,

Tracy Morgan has reportedly gone off on a homophobic rant during a live show in Nashville, TN.

The comedian is alleged to have made a number of anti-gay comments during a gig at the Ryman Auditorium last Friday.

Ex-fan Kevin Rogers wrote a post on Facebook on Saturday titled “WHY I NO LONGER ‘LIKE’ Tracy Morgan – A MUST READ”.

“I figured at some point the gay jokes would fly and I’m well prepared for a good ribbing of straight gay humor. I have very thick skin when it comes to humor; I can dish and I can take,” Rogers said.

“What I can’t take is when Mr. Morgan took it upon himself to mention about how he feels all this gay s**t was crazy and that women are a gift from God and that ‘Born this Way’ is bulls**t, gay is a choice, and the reason he knows this is exactly because ‘God don’t make no mistakes’.”

The post continued: “He mentioned that gay was something kids learn from the media and programming, and that bullied kids should just bust some ass and beat those other little f**kers that bully them, not whine about it.

“He said if his son that was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [he mimicked a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death.

“Tracy then said he didn’t f**king care if he p*ssed off some gays, because if they can take a f**king d*ck up their ass… they can take a f**king joke.”

The venue responded in a statement: “The Ryman Auditorium regrets that people were offended by statements made by Tracy Morgan during his June 3 appearance.

“The Ryman does not control the content presented by people appearing on its stage, nor does it endorse any of the views of, or statements made by, such persons.”

I’m less offended about what some bitter SNL has-been says about gays than by some of the god-awful movies he’s been in. There’s really no forgiveness for me having to sit through G-Force with a theater full of kids. 88 minutes with a bunch of crying, whining rugrats is enough to make a girl want to rip out her ovaries. Tracy Morgan, you are dead to me, sir! Dead!

*UPDATE* Tracy Morgan’s mommy (aka his publicist) made him apologize. Digital Spy quotes the actor as saying,

“While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context.

“I want to apologize to my fans and the gay and lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville. I’m not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others.”

This apology is naturally as sincere as when my mom made me apologize for smashing a mud pie into that really annoying neighbor kid’s face who I let ride my tricycle, and the little fucker pissed on the seat. Yeah, he’s really sorry.

Here’s something we can all agree on: a great rack! Christina Hendricks at Johnnie Walker Father’s Day Gifting Event:

Nine months after his infamous racist tirade, Radar Online finally has Mel Gibson’s response to all the rants he made against baby mama Oksana Grigorieva.

Gibson told the website that while no one “expressed any anger at him,” he regrets what he said on the tapes.

He said he felt blindsided by their very existence, asking: “Who anticipates being recorded? Who anticipates that? Who could anticipate such a personal betrayal?”

Gibson said the slurs that he’s heard using on the tapes — from sexist comments using the “C-word,” to racist comments using phrases like the “N-word” and “Wetbacks” — were taken out of context, and not reflective of who he really is.

“I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality — period,” the Lethal Weapon star said. “I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited.”

Gibson said the tapes represent “one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and [not] what I truly believe, or how I’ve treated people my entire life.”

Oh sure, the words “niggers”, “cunt” and “wetbacks” were taken out of context. They naturally enter into civilized conversation all the time. I personally think they have the best effect when said at a church’s ladies tea and luncheon event. The trick is to say them with an upper-crust British accent while sipping your tea with an extended pinky. I mean, anything said with a British accent and extended pinky finger is automatically classy, am I right?

Isabeli Fontana and Natasha Poly nakedness in Muse Magazine (thumbnails 4 & 5 NSFW):

Jennifer Aniston has found a new BFF in “Chelsea Lately” host Chelsea Handler (they spent Thanksgiving together in Cabo), which might explain the dog-cussing Chelsea gave Angelina Jolie during her standup show in Jersey this weekend. The Daily Mail says:

The comedian launched a foul-mouthed tirade against Brad Pitt’s partner during a stand-up show.

‘She’s a homewrecker, she is,’ the 35-year-old said.

‘She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to,’ she said of the actress, who has three adopted children. ‘You’re a fucking bitch!’

‘She gives interviews, “I don’t have a lot of female friends.” You don’t have a lot of female friends because you’re a fucking cunt.”

Or just maybe Angelina doesn’t have a lot of female friends because most females are catty and vindictive and need constant emotional coddling and attention. Or maybe it’s because most females are inherently threatened by anyone they perceive to be more attractive than they are and secretly try to sabotage them at every turn. It’s the same reason you wouldn’t befriend Benito Mussolini or the Taliban.

Jennifer in NYC for her new movie with Paul Rudd:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Now it’s time to play, “Who’s the Bigger Douche?”. Everyone loves to hate paparazzi, so when one gets pitted against a creepily grinning Mel Gibson, it’s hard to know who to root for. Mel stops his car, gets out, and comes walking up to the pap’s car recording video with his phone. Mel and the pap go back and forth with each other, spouting gems like, “You got a lot of dialogue, don’t you?” “Oh I got everything up my sleeve, buddy, and I have a short-sleeve shirt on.” Zing! They stop just short of saying, “I know you are, but what am I?” It couldn’t get any gayer if both of them pulled out their penises and had a sword fight. Which, by the way Mel protests so loudly against gays, he might actually enjoy.

A new, even more disturbing audio tape of Mel Gibson dog-cussing Oksana Grigorieva was released on Radar Online today (listen to it here). Highlights include his threatening to kill her (twice!) and fucking losing his shit to the point he has to stop and catch his breath over and over again. Radar Online says

As Mel and Oksana argue, the Braveheart star becomes increasingly incensed, and tells her: “You need a fucking bat in the side of the head. Alright, how about that?”

Oksana tells Mel: “You’re gonna answer one day, boy, you’re gonna answer.”

Infuriated, Mel asks if she is threatening him, and Oksana says she is not.

And that’s when Mel makes what certainly can be reasonably interpreted as another death threat, telling Oksana: “Threaten ya? I’ll put you in a fuckin rose garden you cunt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?”

Oksana [says]: “I’m saving my daughter’s life! I don’t give a damn about my music and I don’t give a damn about you spending another penny! I’m saving her life! You almost killed us, did you forget? What kind of a man is that? Hitting a woman when she’s holding a child in her hands? Breaking her teeth twice in the face! What kind of man is that?”

Mel [responds]: “Oh, you’re all angry now! You know what, you fucking deserved it!”

The Braveheart star is so worked up at times on this tape that he is huffing and puffing, out of breath and in what appears to be a full blown emotional crisis.

Oksana, by contrast, remains calm for most of the tape, telling Mel, “you need medication.”

Damn skippy he needs medication. He needs a padded room and a straight jacket while he’s at it. This is the kind of shit you should only hear outside a bus depot from a man crouching in a puddle of his own urine and thrashing the air with a stick to disrupt the government’s mind-control rays.

And now for V Magazine’s special “scratch-off for nipples!” limited edition covers starring models Adriana Lima, Lily Donaldson, Eniko Mihalik, Isabeli Fontana and Natasha Poly. Sniffing is optional but highly recommended:

If Mel Gibson could dig the grave to his career any deeper, he’d be in China. Radar Online is in possession of a an audio tape that records a disgusting tirade by Mel:

Drunken Mel previously shocked the world with his anti-Semetic comments when busted for DUI. Now, the new racist outburst has taken the Oscar winner to an even deeper low.

His outburst came during a series of explosive arguments with Oksana, mother of his infant daughter Lucia. They have been battling in court, with documents under seal, for the past several weeks.

And there is more than one disgusting outburst from Mel. RadarOnline.com has listened to the hate-fuelled rants the Braveheart star unleashed during fights with Oksana as their relationship unraveled.

“You’re an embarrassment to me,” Mel tells her at one point.

“You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.”

Mel’s attorney told RadarOnline.com that he is no longer commenting on the case and said Mel’s publicist is the only Mel official who will speak for him.

Mel’s profane outbursts are littered with references to Oksana being a “whore” and “c**t”.

In another tirade, Mel tells Oksana: “How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice.”

He warns, “I am going to come and burn the f**king house down… but you will blow me first.”

In a further outburst, Mel is heard telling her, “You’re a bitch” to which Oksana insists, “I didn’t do anything.”

“Did so,” Mel responds.

The tapes do not make it clear what the couple was arguing about.

But Mel tells Oksana, “Look what you did to me… look what you are… look what every part of you is… f**king fake… f**king fake.

A source close to the situation says Oksana claims she was forced to tape Mel after he made a series of death threats. The source says she hopes the recordings will be admissible in any potential trial. ”Oksana’s motivation for recording this was to show Mel how mean he was, and because she feared for her life,” said the insider. ”She wanted to get evidence that he was dangerous and violent.” The source claims that Mel has heard two of the tapes. Said the source, “Mel is doing everything he can to suppress this… they are the rantings of a mad man.”

Forgot about killing his career. He’s stripped it, flogged it, pulled out its beard, beat it with sticks, stuck a crown of thorns on its head, and crucified it. But my hunch is that it won’t ever resurrect itself. That sucker is dead.

Oksana visiting a lawyer in Century City:

Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says

The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.

She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”

Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ

[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”

[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.

Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.

A couple of screen caps from the video:

“Hairy Angel” Susan Boyle was admitted to Priory clinic in London yesterday for an “emotional breakdown” after losing Britain’s Got Talent to dance troop Diversity on Saturday. According to The Sun

The 48-year-old virgin… was rushed to the private clinic suffering from exhaustion.

Show aides had contacted police to say she was acting strangely at her London hotel. Paramedics helped the “spaced-out” star through the lobby and into an ambulance just after 6pm.

A Britain’s Got Talent spokeswoman said: “Following Saturday’s show, Susan is exhausted and emotionally drained. We offer her our ongoing support and wish her a speedy recovery.”

What could have left her so “exhausted” and “emotionally drained,” you ask?

Earlier, she had launched into a furious four-letter outburst when told her glittering stage costume had failed to arrive just 15 minutes before she was due to appear on stage… [and] sank into the arms of producers before starting to cry.

For the record, she wasn’t bleeding to death after a forced female circumcision or being marched at gunpoint into a mass grave; her sparkly dress was a little late for the singing show. If beating old people wasn’t such a cultural taboo, I’d give her a “dream to dream” with the back side of a tire iron.

The winners being announced on the show’s finale after the jump

(more…)

Britain’s Got Talent’s “Hairy Angel” Susan Boyle shocked fans and hotel guests alike with two separate expletive-laden rants in the space of 24 hours. According to The Sun

Susan flew into rage on Tuesday night after [Britain's Got Talent] judge Piers Morgan lavished praise on [fellow contestant] Shaheen Jafargholi. Susan – watching on the hotel bar’s TV with Shaheen’s pals, family and show fans – stood and screamed “fuck off” before flicking a “V” at the screen and storming out.

More than 100 people saw her tantrum.

“She got up, did one of those strange wiggling dances that she does, and then stuck two fingers up at the TV. Then she marched off. We didn’t see her again. Everyone was shocked by her outburst.”

But the sailor talk didn’t end there:

Cops intervened [the next day] after Susan, 48, went berserk in the lobby of the Wembley Plaza Hotel when two strangers set out to “wind her up.” The Scottish singer was heard to roar: “How fucking dare you! You can’t fucking talk to me like that.”

One of two cops stationed at the hotel went up and asked: “Is there a problem?”

Susan roared: “Of course there’s a fucking problem” [and]… turned on her heel and marched out the exit followed by her family, production staff and the cops.

TV producers ushered her back upstairs after police finished speaking to her.

Why is everyone so surprised by this? Of course she’s crazy. She’s a 48-year old virgin, for Chrissakes. Men will voluntarily fuck a park bench or a picnic table or even Paris Hilton after the right amount of alcohol, so if you’re a woman and half a century’s gone by without a man getting anywhere near your puss, it’s time to invest in multiple litter boxes and a prescription for crazy pills.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — what did one doughy fairy say to the other doughy fairy after they both lost the same contest? If you guessed something like “meow” or “hiss,” you’re getting warmer. American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has gotten his claws out so he can bat them menacingly in fellow American Idol runner up Adam Lambert’s direction. Clay wrote on his official website:

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Just not my cup of tea at all. But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants. However, this year, there was an obvious bias.

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well.

I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off… they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all. Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

That was waaaay too fucking long to actually read, so with the help my trusty Bitchy Bitter Queen-ese dictionary, I managed to condense it all down to one line. It seems what Clay was trying to say was, “I’d only let that guy bareback me if I’d already had seven appletinis and he brought the meth!” Those gays sure have a way with words.