Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says

The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.

She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”

Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ

[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”

[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.

Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.

A couple of screen caps from the video:

“Hairy Angel” Susan Boyle was admitted to Priory clinic in London yesterday for an “emotional breakdown” after losing Britain’s Got Talent to dance troop Diversity on Saturday. According to The Sun

The 48-year-old virgin… was rushed to the private clinic suffering from exhaustion.

Show aides had contacted police to say she was acting strangely at her London hotel. Paramedics helped the “spaced-out” star through the lobby and into an ambulance just after 6pm.

A Britain’s Got Talent spokeswoman said: “Following Saturday’s show, Susan is exhausted and emotionally drained. We offer her our ongoing support and wish her a speedy recovery.”

What could have left her so “exhausted” and “emotionally drained,” you ask?

Earlier, she had launched into a furious four-letter outburst when told her glittering stage costume had failed to arrive just 15 minutes before she was due to appear on stage… [and] sank into the arms of producers before starting to cry.

For the record, she wasn’t bleeding to death after a forced female circumcision or being marched at gunpoint into a mass grave; her sparkly dress was a little late for the singing show. If beating old people wasn’t such a cultural taboo, I’d give her a “dream to dream” with the back side of a tire iron.

The winners being announced on the show’s finale after the jump

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Britain’s Got Talent’s “Hairy Angel” Susan Boyle shocked fans and hotel guests alike with two separate expletive-laden rants in the space of 24 hours. According to The Sun

Susan flew into rage on Tuesday night after [Britain's Got Talent] judge Piers Morgan lavished praise on [fellow contestant] Shaheen Jafargholi. Susan - watching on the hotel bar’s TV with Shaheen’s pals, family and show fans - stood and screamed “fuck off” before flicking a “V” at the screen and storming out.

More than 100 people saw her tantrum.

“She got up, did one of those strange wiggling dances that she does, and then stuck two fingers up at the TV. Then she marched off. We didn’t see her again. Everyone was shocked by her outburst.”

But the sailor talk didn’t end there:

Cops intervened [the next day] after Susan, 48, went berserk in the lobby of the Wembley Plaza Hotel when two strangers set out to “wind her up.” The Scottish singer was heard to roar: “How fucking dare you! You can’t fucking talk to me like that.”

One of two cops stationed at the hotel went up and asked: “Is there a problem?”

Susan roared: “Of course there’s a fucking problem” [and]… turned on her heel and marched out the exit followed by her family, production staff and the cops.

TV producers ushered her back upstairs after police finished speaking to her.

Why is everyone so surprised by this? Of course she’s crazy. She’s a 48-year old virgin, for Chrissakes. Men will voluntarily fuck a park bench or a picnic table or even Paris Hilton after the right amount of alcohol, so if you’re a woman and half a century’s gone by without a man getting anywhere near your puss, it’s time to invest in multiple litter boxes and a prescription for crazy pills.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — what did one doughy fairy say to the other doughy fairy after they both lost the same contest? If you guessed something like “meow” or “hiss,” you’re getting warmer. American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has gotten his claws out so he can bat them menacingly in fellow American Idol runner up Adam Lambert’s direction. Clay wrote on his official website:

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Just not my cup of tea at all. But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants. However, this year, there was an obvious bias.

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well.

I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off… they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all. Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

That was waaaay too fucking long to actually read, so with the help my trusty Bitchy Bitter Queen-ese dictionary, I managed to condense it all down to one line. It seems what Clay was trying to say was, “I’d only let that guy bareback me if I’d already had seven appletinis and he brought the meth!” Those gays sure have a way with words.

Now there’s video of Julia Roberts dropping the f-bomb like a sailor in a whorehouse at the Film Society Lincoln Center event honoring Tom Hanks Monday night. In so many words, whoop-de-fucking-do. So a woman gets a little tipsy and curses. When did that become newsworthy? I get drunk and scream vulgarities three, four times a week, and nobody follows me around with a goddamn video camera. They usually just ask me to leave or lay me on my side so I don’t aspirate my own vomit. That’s what you call a double fuckin’ standard, assholes!

Christian Bale finally spoke out on Friday on KROQ’s Kevin and Bean show to apologize for his expletive-ridden rant on the set of Terminator Salvation. Seriously, hotness covers a multitude of sins, so his seemingly heart-felt and humble apology sanctifies him in my book.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen!

MSNBC recaps his apology:

“I have no confusion whatsoever, I was out of order beyond belief,” Bale told the Kevin & Bean show. “I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that. And there is nobody that has heard that tape that is hit harder by it then me.

“I make no excuses for it, it is inexcusable. And I hope that that is absolutely clear,” Bale said.

“Nothing could be farther from the truth. I’m a lucky … I don’t want to swear … I’m a lucky s.o.b. I never forget that and that is why I put so much into what I do. Please, if anybody ever sees that I really am thinking that I’m better than anybody else, stick a fork in my backside, turn me over, I will be done. That is not me.”

For those of you who haven’t seen Family Guy’s spoof on his rant:

Remember that little story about Christian Bale going berserk on the “Terminator Salvation” photography director for inadvertently walking on the set in the middle of his scene? Well, the audio of the event has made its way online, and it’s even worse than you imagined:

Bale says “I want you off the fucking set, you prick.”

“I’m sorry,” [the director of photography] replies.

“No, don’t just be sorry. Think for one fucking second,” Bale shouts. “What the fuck are you doing? Are you a professional or not?”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, no. Am I gonna fucking rip your lights down in the middle of the scene? What the fuck is it with you? What the fuck don’t you understand? You got any fucking idea about… Hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce [Dallas Howard] in the middle of the fucking scene. Give me a fucking answer. What don’t you get about it?”

Oh, and that’s just a little taste. It goes on and on for about four minutes, with Bale threatening to quit the movie unless the director of photography is fired. It’s awful. Really, the only way he could seem like more of an asshole is if he ended it by kicking a puppy and telling an orphan with Downs Syndrome to go fuck himself.

Click here to listen to the audio

At the Dark Knight premiere in Japan with his wife Sibi:

It’s not the first time Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has spoken out about his daughter’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson — but this is the first time he’s asked for your help. He wrote on his website

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn. SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?

Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

His clever use of the capitalized “man” in Samantha certainly lends an air of credibility to his post. You know, because she’s a lesbian and really ugly and all and the word “man” is hidden in her name. The pen truly is mightier than the sword! That’s why I used one to draw mustaches and wieners on all the pictures of my ex-husband’s business cards. Michael and I like to refer to that as “taking the high road.”

Lindsay’s new ad campaign for Fornarina:

The above footage of a coked-out-of-his-gourd “Jackass” star Steve-O twittering and twitching like Beavis with Tourette’s made its way online Friday, shortly after it was reported that he had been hospitalized after threatening to take his own life. In the five and a half minute rant, Steve-O compulsively scratches his head and spits while delving into the dissension in the Middle East and a little non-Euclidean space-time theory. Good stuff. All he needs is a diaper and a good “The End is Near” beard and he could be that guy that sleeps under my Nana’s stoop and eats garbage and the occasional dead pigeon. Of course, the real diaper man has too much dignity to cover his back with an enormous tattoo portrait of himself giving the thumbs up. Not so much dignity that he won’t take a dump on a bus stop bench in the middle of the afternoon, but still. We’re not even talking the same league here.

The Church of Scientology is going on the legal offensive after video of Tom Cruise ranting about saving the world through Scientology made its way online, claiming the footage was stolen from their website and threatening to sue anybody who posts it (see the letter they sent Gawker Media after the jump). I personally give it about two hours before they pull the above footage of him talking to and saluting L. Ron Hubbard’s portrait, because this new footage sure isn’t going to help Tommy in his attempts to resurrect what’s left of his career and marketability. The Daily Mail says

[Cruise] has had trouble sleeping and been tearful at times [because he] is entrenched in a crisis… spearheaded by this week’s leaked internet video, on top of the stress caused by the publication of a scandal-drenched biography and his continually misfiring career.

But it is perhaps even harder for him to live down the humiliation of being dumped from a producing deal with Paramount by media mogul Sumner Redstone - because women, including Redstone’s wife, Paula, found him creepy. “He turned off all women and a lot of men,” Redstone said. “Paula and women everywhere had come to hate him.”

If I understand this correctly — and I’m pretty sure I do — you could have a Nazi Klansman child pornographer and Tom Cruise vying for the same role in a movie and there’s 99% chance that the studio would go with the Jew-hating pedophile in Grand Wizard costume. I mean, you can at least relate to that kind of crazy. It’s been around for a couple thousand years. But volcanoes full of hydrogen bombs and operating thetans and past lives and secret levels, well, that doesn’t make any goddamned sense. I’m pretty sure that’s why they invented electroshock therapy and straight jackets in the first place.

Katie arriving at The Late Show With David Letterman, plus some vintage crazy Tom Cruise and after the jump:

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