Rihanna’s latest video “Man Down” has stirred up all kinds of controversy in the last two days, but I’m just now getting around to it because it contained absolutely no naked Blake Lively photos. You see my dilemma. TMZ says:

The Parents Television Council is blasting Rihanna for hawking a “cold, calculated execution of murder” in her brand new music video for “Man Down.”

The council is outraged that Rihanna would suggest that gunning down a rapist in a crowded train station is a proper form of justice.

The PTC is all the more outraged that Rihanna tweeted her fans that the video contained, “a very strong underlying message 4 girls like me.”

Rihanna responded to the criticism yesterday with a series of tweets absolving herself of any wrongdoing in that she is a “rockstar” making “art,” not a parent. Her words, not mine. The Daily Mail says:

Rihanna has defended her controversial new music video Man Down, insisting ‘this is the real world’.

‘I’m a 23 year old rockstar with NO KIDS! What’s up with everybody wanting me to be a parent? I’m just a girl, I can only be your/our voice!’ she wrote.

‘The music industry isn’t exactly Parents R Us! We have the freedom to make art, LET US! Its your job to make sure they don’t turn out like US.’

Women are brutalized and exploited in music videos all the damn time, so I don’t see how a music video in which a girl brings down a little vigilante justice is such a big deal. If we’re gonna air grievances about the video, why don’t we start with the fact that the song sounds like a crappy Bob Marley cover band doing a ripoff of Aerosmith’s Janie Got a Gun with a little help from the Little Drummer Boy from the classic Christmas carol. Rum-pa-pa-pum? And I said it before, but it merits mentioning again — the video is sorely lacking in the Blake Lively nipple department. Ultimately, I think that’s where our real problem lies.

But it’s not short in the Rihanna nipple department, because she’s completely see-through in these screen grabs from the video:

I wouldn’t wipe my ass with Rolling Stone magazine, and not just because it’s a socialist rag that purports itself to be the definitive authority on all things rock ‘n roll while putting Avril Lavigne and the Jonas Brothers on its cover. No, I wouldn’t wipe my ass with Rolling Stone because they seem to be under the misguided impression that I give a fuck about some corporate-manufactured puppet who isn’t old enough to shave’s take on hot-button political issues. I don’t. But apparently a lot of pregnant rape victims do. OK! Magazine says:

[After saying he didn't believe in abortion -- that it was "like killing a baby" -- Bieber] was asked what he thought about abortion in cases of rape. He said, “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

And it was his “everything happens for a reason” comment that has critics attacking the Biebs.

“I think he meant that God has a plan,” his interviewer told PopEater. “Even for the most die-hard Christian, it’s hard to justify rape as part of God’s plan, and harder to justify rape that leads to pregnancy and abortion. It is being widely misunderstood. He did not say that rape was part of God’s plan.”

But was it fair for Rolling Stone to ask [a 16-year old boy such loaded] political questions?

“I think that anyone who has as much sway in popular culture as Justin should be asked all questions,” the interviewer explained. “I agree that he does not bring up these issues in his work at the moment, but it’s possible that he will in the future.”

As a keen observer of the human condition, I can tell you that there are three questions in life that you should never, ever answer honestly: 1) Why aren’t you wearing pants?; 2) Is that a gun?; and 3) What are your thoughts on abortion? But I wouldn’t expect a guy who isn’t old enough to vote or buy cigarettes to know that. That kind of wisdom only comes from years of experience and lots of legal counsel.

Justin Bieber in Paris yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

An ESPN makeup artist named Victoria Jackson is suing KISS rocker Gene Simmons for allegedly “raping her with her clothes on” back in August. Simmons, for his part, claims in his countersuit that he couldn’t have sexually assaulted her because he was wearing his KISS costume — “the equivalent of a suit of armor” — at the time. If I had a nickel for every time I’d been raped by a suit of armor… well, it’s the main reason I’m not allowed at the Museum of Natural History anymore. Radar Online says:

Jackson alleged in her assault suit that [Simmons] approached her, said “I like you” in “a lecherous and inappropriate manner,” and then “humped Plaintiff to the extent that she could feel his groin grinding into her. When he was done, Klein said, ‘Aw, that’s better! Now you can go.’”

Another ESPN employee has confirmed her allegations, testifying in a deposition that Simmons “entered the room in which Jackson was working, made a bee line straight for her and then started humping her.”

Simmons said in his deposition that he does not recall “hugging or even meeting Ms. Jackson… I would never do such a thing.’”

Just because he doesn’t recall hugging or meeting her doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It’s called Alzheimer’s. Pretty soon you won’t know what day it is or what “bowel control” means either, Gene.

Sporting some bruises and bandages from his fall at LAX:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

One of the stars of TLC’s shit hit show “Cake Boss” was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor earlier this month. I was going to say “the dirty wetback-looking one,” but with that ensemble, it’s not as helpful as you would think. So I just circled him instead. TMZ says:

Remy Gonzalez — who is married to “Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro’s sister — is charged with aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, and endangering the welfare of a child.

A rep for TLC says, “We support Buddy and the Valastro family during this very difficult and challenging time… and as this doesn’t involve us, we will not be commenting any further.”

Remy Gonzalez is currently being held in Morris County Jail in New Jersey on $300,000 bail.

And just what is “aggravated sexual assault?” I’m glad you asked. It is legally defined as:

1. Sexual assault that maims, wounds, or disfigures the victim or involves a victim who is physically or mentally incapacitated

2. Sexual assault wherein the perpetrator is related to the victim by blood OR has supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim, e.g. a foster parent, a guardian, or someone who stands in loco parentis within the household.

3. Sexual assault on someone who is under the age of thirteen

So given the aforementioned legal definition and the high dollar amount at which bail was set, it’s pretty obvious whatever Senor Gonzalez did was just god-awful. Who knows? He very well may have raped his wife’s retarded 11-year old stepniece while burning her with cigarettes. I can’t really say. All I can do here is aimlessly conjecture and wildly speculate. That’s why it says “Making Shit Up Since 2003″ right here on my business cards.

Cindy Crawford for TSUM’s Autumn/Winter ad campaign, because she is neither under the age of 13 nor maimed by penetration:

One time my Uncle Bubba caught me stealing cigarettes out of his tackle box and told me he was gonna be on me “like bruises on a topless dancer.” Thanks to these pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt on “Law & Order: SVU,” you now know exactly what that looks like.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

It seems Roman Polanski has a habit of raping underage girls — an actress who starred in one of his movies has come forward claiming he “forced himself” her when she was only sixteen, much like he forced himself on that thirteen-year old girl back in 1978. People magazine says

[Actress] Charlotte Lewis, who appeared in Polanski’s 1986 film Pirates, made the allegation in a press conference held at her attorney Gloria Allred’s office. Allred described Polanski’s alleged behavior as “sexually predatory conduct.”

“[Polanski] sexually abused me in the worst possible way when I was just 16,” said Lewis [in] a prepared statement. “He knew [how old I was] when he met me and forced himself upon me in his apartment in Paris. I have lived with the effects of his behavior ever since it occurred. I’ve traveled to the U.S. at my own expense to make sure that justice is finally done and that Mr. Polanski gets what he deserves. All I want is justice.”

It was alcohol, quaaludes and forced anal penetration for the eighth grader, so I imagine Charlotte got the same kind of special Polanski treatment. But remember, Whoopi Goldberg says that doesn’t actually qualify as “rape rape.” So to test her theory, I propose that we forcefeed her two granddaughters barbiturates and then lock them in a motel room with Roman for 36 hours and just “see where it all goes.” Then we can all sit down together and come to an agreement on what constitutes “rape-rape,” because this whole “legal gray area” is just so gosh-darn confusing.

All the pictures I could find of Charlotte Lewis on the internet (hey, did I mention she did Playboy? See thumbs 1-4):

Football Hall of Famer and “Dancing with the Stars” veteran Lawrence Taylor was charged with third-degree rape of a 16-year-old prostitute who was brought to his New York hotel room against her will. The NY Daily News says

A nervous-looking Taylor was arraigned on charges of third-degree rape and patronizing a prostitute.

The whereabouts of the teenager was not known, but police believe [her pimp] forced her to sleep with Taylor and gave her a black eye when she initially refused.

But when asked if Taylor knew the teenager he paid $300 to have sex with was a minor, Ramapo Police Chief Peter Brower said, “Ignorance is not an excuse to an individual’s age.”

This whole “sexual assault on a minor” and “punching a tenth-grader the head” thing is really kind of a downer. It’s not something I want to spend too much time dwelling on. So instead, here’s Tila Tequila, because if anyone ever deserved a rape and a beating, it’s her. See how it all comes full circle?

Cinco de Mayo is a week-long celebration at my house, so Sonya’s in for me tomorrow. Adiós, cabrónes!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Thirty-one years after he was convicted of raping this thirteen-year old girl, director Roman Polanski was finally arrested last night in Switzerland, where he was to be honored at a Zurich film festival. The Daily Mail says

On arrival at Zurich Airport, police swooped on 76-year-old Polanski.

Polanski has been on the run from the U.S. since 1978, a year after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with teenager Samantha Geimer. Before [he could be] sentenced, he fled to Paris, where he has lived since. He has not set foot in the U.S. for 31 years.

Switzerland’s extradition treaty with the U.S., signed in 1990, means Polanski, a French citizen, may be flown to Los Angeles where he faces a long prison sentence.

For those of you who don’t know the details of his crime:

Roman Polanski was 44 when he conducted a private photo shoot with [the 13-year old girl] for the French edition of Vogue. Polanski performed various sex acts on her after giving her champagne and drugs.

Polanski was initially charged with rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy and lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14.

On February 1, 1978, while awaiting sentencing, he left the U.S. [for] France, where he held citizenship, beginning a 31-year fight by the U.S. authorities to bring the director to justice.

An extradition request filed by U.S. officials was denied by the French.

So in addition to harboring smelly cheeses and general disdain, France is also apparently a safe-haven for child rapists and therefore understandably outraged by his arrest:

French culture minister Frederic Mitterand said he was ‘dumbfounded’ by the filmmaker’s arrest.

Mr Mitterrand said he ‘strongly regrets that a new ordeal is being inflicted on someone who has already experienced so many of them.’

And yesterday his ministry said French President Nicolas Sarkozy was ‘following the case with great attention and shares the minister’s hope that the situation can be quickly resolved.’

Yes, poor, poor, Roman Polanski. His parents were killed at Auschwitz and his wife was murdered, so that apparently gives him license to pump eighth grade girls full of barbiturates and sodomize them in a hot tub. Like that old Levitical law says, “an eye for an eye.” I’m sure “an eye for a prepubescent asshole” still falls under the umbrella of the Torah.

Dita von Teese modeling her new WonderBra line because she’s not 13: