Now that he’s all but castrated himself financially, former “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ star Jon Gosselin will be humiliating himself in a new reality show in which he’ll be dating Octomom Nadya Suleman. Sounds classy! The NY Daily News says

Producer Bobby Goldstein says he will produce the pilot, called “Jon – Kate = Jon Octomom,” with a former producer of “The Jerry Springer Show.”

According to a press release, cameras will follow Gosselin “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like. If they got married, they’d have 22 kids.”

Tthe 33-year-old single mom reveals that she will be so obsessed with the octodad, “she’s already talking openly about the two of them getting married.”

He added, “It will be like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t turn your head away.”

It’s more like looking into someone’s bedpan right before you empty it. You don’t want to look, but something inside of you compels you to, primarily because you’re a masochist with self-esteem issues and deep-down, you hate yourself and feel the need to suffer some kind of punishment. Yep, taking care of grandma those last few years really taught my a lot about myself.

Jon + cigarette; Nadya + boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush.

Because there just isn’t enough shit on television, Brody Jenner is getting his own “reality” show on MTV. Hear that? That was the sound of a million people dry-heaving at once. According to People

Bromance features guy contestants who “will compete… in hopes of joining [Jenner's] entourage. Each episode will feature one “group date” with Jenner and contestants will also get one-on-one time with him.

The contestants will be whittled down in “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies.” Unlucky “bros” will be forced to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet, in their swimsuits, luggage in hand.

“Group date?” “Hot tub?!” “Dripping wet?!!” “Bachelor pad?!!” Jesus, why don’t they just call the show “Who Wants All of Their Buddies Back Home to Call Them a Faggot for the Rest of Their Lives?” At least there’s a little more dignity in that. “Bromance” sounds like it should be part of a personal ad for gays seeking casual sex. Single white male 5′10″ 185 seeks non-smoker male 18-45 for companionship, bromance, and all around good time! Must love gyms, cosmos, and barebacking on meth. Call 555-ANAL and ask for Brody.

Denise Richards paid a visit to People Magazine to chide a reporter about her lack of “fact checking” on Sunday’s episode of her new reality show “It’s Complicated.” Denise yells, “Do you really think I want my daughters reading this when they’re older?” and “There are children involved here,” before jabbing her finger in the lady’s face and hissing, “Do your fucking homework, you cunt.” Denise is right, you know. Reading about your mom and dad doing something is WAAAY more humiliating than watching a video of them doing it. Just ask Pamela and Tommy Lee’s kids.

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

JLo and husband Marc Anthony have secured the rights to their own reality show on The Learning Channel. Ten bucks says she’ll still find a way to work in a wind machine and video retouching. According to the NY Daily News

The show will “deliver a slice of [Lopez's] life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first-time mom,” [the] TLC President said.

Lopez will finance and produce the show, which is under development and has no launch date yet.

“Reality” show my ass. Reality is not you in four hours in hair and makeup and perma-cooing, immaculately attired babies nestled in the crooks of your arms. Reality is you 36 hours unshowered with baby barf in your hair, staggering around the nursery at three in the morning to find the GD binky that fell out of its mouth without turning on the lights and really waking it up and then almost breaking your ankle on one of those stupid Leap Frog toys that springs to life with an animated version of “Old McDonald” at what appears to be 120 decibels. I’m betting JLo’s new show will showcase as much reality as an episode of “The Hills.”

At Shine A Light at the Ziegfeld Theater last month

Get ready to stomach a lot more of “The Hills’” Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Page Six reports

Spencer was overheard pitching [a new] show to MTV programming honcho Tony DiSanto. “Spencer was saying that [his] show ‘would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad. The show [would] go through the whole lead-up to the wedding… finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress… The show would be a mix of ‘The Hills’ meets ‘Newlyweds.’ ”

Network insiders revealed, “Heidi and Spencer definitely have a deal in the works with MTV. ‘The Hills’ is a home run. It’s their highest-rated show. MTV isn’t obsessed with the idea, but they’d be crazy not to do it.”

Interestingly, the guy on TV in ten gallon hat and buck-skin shirt told me he’d be crazy to slash prices on deals this good, but there’s no stopping Crazy Al when it comes to savings on the new 2008 Ford Super Duty® trucks! At least each Super Duty® offers stowable bed extenders and best-in-class maximum payloads of over 6,000 pounds. All MTV has is Carson Daly’s leftovers and a bunch of fake reality shows full of stupid twats. I’d say it’s pret-ty obvious who’s the crazy one around these parts.

The search for Paris Hilton’s new best friend is proving to be challenging, mostly because your average person would rather be friends with a plate full of anthrax and cholera than befriend Paris Hilton. According to MSNBC

The turnout at the New York City casting call for “hot bitches and fierce guys” turned out a paltry 40 to 50 people.

Hilton reacted… by posting to MySpace for damage control, [claiming] there were “NO open calls for the show” and that “every event is exclusive and hand-picked by invitation only.” [However], casting calls [were in fact] listed on Web sites such as Realitywanted.com.

Additionally, the waiver for the show included the following not made-up question: “If Paris was getting all the spotlight and paparazzi were only taking pics of her and not you, what would you do?” See if you can guess the best possible answer from my list of choices:

A) Start a fire
B) Put Paris in a fire
C) Kick Paris in the puss with a steel-toed boot near a fire
D) All of the above, plus something with grizzly bears and a taser

At Mahiki in Mayfair, where she earned $140,000 for 2 hours of partying:

Britney Spears has reportedly been filming herself for the past six months in the hopes that the footage will help the public understand “what she’s been through” in the last half year. Or maybe make her look even more batshit insane than already does. Can’t hurt, right? A source told Britain’s Daily Mirror

“Justin Timberlake and her ex-husband Kevin Federline are terrified the material will end up on the internet. Or, even worse, Britney will agree to another MTV documentary and release some of the footage through official channels.”

The source [added]: “Although some of the footage is really sad to watch, especially the parts where she is close to breakdown - others are dynamite. If she does decide to go public with the footage, it will be explosive.”

Unfortunately, pairing the name “Britney Spears” with the word “explosive” might be a mistake. Before 2003, the words “Britney Spears” and “explosive” might have meant “super sexy ratings lock,” but since her divorce from Federline, the only thing that comes to mind is “American Standard Champion” and “shopping bag fulll of laxatives.” Marketing execs might want to consider a less forcefully descriptive adjective if they decide to go public with the footage.

Vintage Britney video footage:

Leathery old boozebag Pamela Anderson is set to star in an “observational documentary” series this summer on E! Because that first observational documentary with Tommy Lee didn’t adequately capture the many facets of her personality. People

According to a network release, “Viewers will get to know the real woman behind the famous breasts… Pam at her core, living her life with no regrets.” [The] managing director.. promises the 30-minute series will be “artistically rich and visually stunning.”

“Artistically rich and and visually stunning?” Is it being filmed in the fucking Louvre? This is Pamela Anderson we’re talking about. It should be the ocular equivalent of a pile of beef jerky and surgically removed plantar warts going limp under a heat lamp at a Taco Bell.

The Mona Lisa at her kids’ baseball game Saturday:

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are going back to court tomorrow over yet another custody rights issue involving their two daughters. Page Six says

Denise Richards, ex-wife of Charlie Sheen, wants to star in a reality show, along with the former couple’s two daughters, Sam, 3 and Lola, 2. Sources tell PageSix.com that Charlie “is absolutely 100% vehemently opposed to this.”Denise has decided to take her plight to the judge tomorrow afternoon in a Los Angeles Family Court. She wants to have Charlie’s parental rights essentially revoked in making this decision.

A man who spent $53,000 on prostitutes and nearly six grand on a blow up sex doll has some balls denying anybody their whoring rights. So maybe hers are less of the “unquenchable lust” variety and more of the “souls of their children” type. Doesn’t matter. A whore’s a whore’s a whore. It’s the same reason you can’t pit Paris Hilton against Pam Anderson or Marion Barry against Amy Winehouse in an Ultimate Cage Fight. You’d just wind up ensconced in an unwinnable battle in some theoretical no-man’s land, or what I like to call “the venereal in a crackhead sandwich.” Trust me, it’s not nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

UPDATE 1: Denise wins! Look for the whorefest coming soon to the E! Network.

UPDATE 2: Alert reader/sex doll aficionado Exyank pointed out that Charlie’s doll was NOT, in fact, inflatable, but instead made out of some high-tech polymer. A thousand apologies.

Denise Richards at the Boom Boom Room Baby Gifting Suit on January 12th: