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David Hasselhoff

So, A&E (the network that brought you “Intervention” and “Hoarders”, collectively known as Misery Mondays) is apparently giving David Hasselhoff his own show.  The David Hasselhoff of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch”, but more importantly, the David Hasselhoff of The Cheeseburger Incident.  This can’t possibly end well.  From OK!:

The yet-unnamed series, set to debut later this year, “will take a behind-the-scenes look into the life of ‘The Hoff’ focusing on his multiple entertainment and business endeavors, as well as his most important role as a single dad trying to help his teenage daughters break into the recording industry.”

“It’s the dream of every parent to be able to help their children succeed,” said Hasselhoff in a statement to the press. “I told the girls that I would help them open the door when they are ready, but they would have to walk through it on their own. This is their time and I am excited to be a part of it by partnering with A&E and FremantleMedia on this new series.”

“David Hasselhoff is an international icon known for his many roles and talents,” said A&E’s Robert Sharenow. “Now for the first time he’s allowing our cameras to see another side of him — as a single father raising two teenage girls — and the day-to-day drama that accompanies the rest of his larger-than-life life.”

I don’t know about this.  First off, they’re gonna have to use those underwater cameras that divers use, like to film sharks ‘n shit.  Regular everyday cameras just aren’t designed to handle the moisture level of projectile vomit.  Also, I’m thinking the lack of talking cars and/or slow-mo running scenes is a serious shortcoming.  We’ve already seen The Hoff try (and fail) to eat a cheeseburger and remain upright at the same time, so this show pony had best have some new tricks because I don’t have the patience to watch an old hairy dude sit around and drool on himself until somebody has him hospitalised for alcohol poisoning.  If I wanted to see that, I could just go visit my grandpa, who would at least give me money and let me colour on him with a Sharpie.

Maybe if they find The Hoff a job at a temp agency and we get to see him try to negotiate a new copy machine every week with a blood alcohol level of .814, then I might be interested.  Otherwise, Drunky McBarfs-a-lot and his parenting “skills” are of no interest to me.

The Cheeseburger Incident:





snooki own reality show

Hi, boys and girls! I’m finally back from my incarceration vacation and I’m all ready to start dishing your daily dose of mindless crap. I hope you enjoyed your time with Sarah, because she’ll be back tomorrow while I’m in court, and possibly again next week, depending which way the jury swings.

But on to the crap: “Jersey Shore” star Nicole “Snooki” Pilozzi is currently in negotiations to star in her own reality show. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the crap. According to Us Weekly

Snooki [is] getting ready to ditch her Jersey Shore housemates for a solo show.

The pint-sized MTV star [revealed] that she’ll soon helm her own Shot at Love-like reality series “Snookin’ for Love.”

“Definitely there is no set thing, but it has been talked about,” Snooki [said]. “I got offers from VH1 and other reality networks.”

Now, my Spanish is rusty at best — “Eso no es mio, senor” and “No estoy borracha” and “Quiero un abogado” — but I spent several hours in a holding cell in Mexico watching the Jersey Shore, and from what I can tell, it’s the story of a circus midget (Snooki), a post-op transsexual (J-Woww), a former prostitute (Sammi), a roided-out date rapist (Ronnie), the poster child for Axe deodorant body spray (The Situation), a Menudo dropout (Pauly D) and a retard (Vinny). It’s a intricate melange of circus freak and shemale, chest-waxing and penis piercing that only works because of the dynamics and interplay between the characters. Snooki sans the rest of the cast just doesn’t fly. It’s like a flower without any petals, or — more appropriately — like a testicle without any sac. 87% of bearded ladies and 74% Siamese twins polled agree: she’d be better off returning to the circus from whence she came. Fuckin’ circle of life, bro.

Doing some classic circus tricks for passersby:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

jon-gosselin-nadya-suleman-reality-show

Now that he’s all but castrated himself financially, former “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ star Jon Gosselin will be humiliating himself in a new reality show in which he’ll be dating Octomom Nadya Suleman. Sounds classy! The NY Daily News says

Producer Bobby Goldstein says he will produce the pilot, called “Jon – Kate = Jon Octomom,” with a former producer of “The Jerry Springer Show.”

According to a press release, cameras will follow Gosselin “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like. If they got married, they’d have 22 kids.”

Tthe 33-year-old single mom reveals that she will be so obsessed with the octodad, “she’s already talking openly about the two of them getting married.”

He added, “It will be like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t turn your head away.”

It’s more like looking into someone’s bedpan right before you empty it. You don’t want to look, but something inside of you compels you to, primarily because you’re a masochist with self-esteem issues and deep-down, you hate yourself and feel the need to suffer some kind of punishment. Yep, taking care of grandma those last few years really taught my a lot about myself.

Jon + cigarette; Nadya + boobs:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

brooke-hogan-reality-show-91

Brooke Hogan is busy promoting her new VH1 reality show and upcoming album with a bunch of photos of her being “sexy.” Kinda of like if you found a Yeti with big fake tits stomping around in the mountains and you put it in a bikini and told it to stick its finger in its mouth provocatively and “make love to the camera,” only by “make love to the camera” you really meant “not paw at it or throw it on the ground and stomp on it with your big dumb Yeti feet.” Sprinkling glitter on a turd doesn’t make it not a turd, people. It’s another reason not to flush.

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brody-jenner

Because there just isn’t enough shit on television, Brody Jenner is getting his own “reality” show on MTV. Hear that? That was the sound of a million people dry-heaving at once. According to People

Bromance features guy contestants who “will compete… in hopes of joining [Jenner's] entourage. Each episode will feature one “group date” with Jenner and contestants will also get one-on-one time with him.

The contestants will be whittled down in “Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies.” Unlucky “bros” will be forced to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet, in their swimsuits, luggage in hand.

“Group date?” “Hot tub?!” “Dripping wet?!!” “Bachelor pad?!!” Jesus, why don’t they just call the show “Who Wants All of Their Buddies Back Home to Call Them a Faggot for the Rest of Their Lives?” At least there’s a little more dignity in that. “Bromance” sounds like it should be part of a personal ad for gays seeking casual sex. Single white male 5’10″ 185 seeks non-smoker male 18-45 for companionship, bromance, and all around good time! Must love gyms, cosmos, and barebacking on meth. Call 555-ANAL and ask for Brody.

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