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It’s been over 72 hours since a celebrity posted a picture of themselves naked online or leaked a “stolen” sex tape, but don’t you worry — former Noxema girl Rebecca Gayheart, husband Eric Dane (Grey’s Anatomy’s “Dr. McSteamy”) and 2002 Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche are on the case! And I already know what you’re thinking, and yes, they still qualify as celebrities. Technically. Gawker, who obtained the tape in its entirety), said:

In the video (which we edited down from a 12-minute original), we see the apparently inebriated threesome — at one point Gayheart says she needs to lay down because she’s so high — lounging au naturel in the fallen beauty queen’s Studio City apartment, passing around the camera and, for giggles, discussing what their porn names should be. Soon the threesome move to the bathroom where the two ladies disrobe and get into a jacuzzi tub while Dane takes over the camera duties.

That teen-queen isn’t so bad, but Rebecca Gayheart looks like the fucking sea hag of New Haven. Make sure and leave a fish offering and steer clear of the lighthouse after sunset or a sex tape this boring could happen to you, too!

UPDATE II: Apparently there is no sex in the sex tape (watch it here), only nudity and dress-up and incoherent ramblings. TMZ claims the footage was illegally obtained by Kari’s former Celebrity Rehab roommate Mindy McCready, while Gawker claims the video was obtained when the LAPD seized Kari’s computer as evidence in their prostitute-turned-madam case against her.

UPDATE I: Now with more NSFW screencap action! (watch the preview of the video here):