I could see how with the new red locks you might mistake Jessica Alba for Ashlee Simpson, but lucky for you, there’s a sure-fire way to tell them apart. Just get them on their knees, stuff your wiener in their mouth as far as it will go, and then look down at your testicles. If you can still see chin, it’s Ashlee Simpson. Problem solved!

Getting a manicure in Beverly Hills with some equally surly friends:

The real trick to pulling off red hair like Ashlee Simpson here is choosing the right shade of red to compliment your complexion and eye color. You want to match the undertones in your skin to the undertones in the red you’ve selected. And, of course, you want to make sure you dye your muff some variation of “Copper Sunset” to match. Otherwise it’s like wearing a stove pipe hat without a monacle or a jersey without an arrest record or a pitbull graveyard under your house. That is to say it’s just stupid.

Ashlee painting the town red in West Hollywood Thursday night: