Since leaving rehab, Demi Lovato has pierced her nose and put on a good fifteen pounds, and now she’s gone and dyed that Jonas right out of her hair. The Daily Mail says:
The 19-year-old tweeted this picture of herself [with bright red hair] on Sunday saying: ‘Just woke up from a nap. Can’t believe I fell asleep before tweeting this. ’
A nose ring, a spare tire, and a crappy dye job. I’d say she’s well on her way to becoming a Dove spokesmodel at this rate.
Performing on Jimmy Kimmel as a brunette late last month:
Gillian Anderson supports my belief that all redheads follow these rules:
1. They’re stunningly beautiful
2. They’re fugly
3. There are no attractive red-haired men and
4. All the ugly ones look the same. They’re like the white equivalent to Asians.
Don’t believe me? I know what I’m talking about. I got a Ph.D (Pretty High and Drunk) while conducting a study of gingerology for this post. My facts are conclusive–it’s amazing the amount of Cheese Puffs I can consume when I get the munchies before they react with the vodka in my system and I end up giving an oral dissertation to the toilet bowl.
Looking stunningly beautiful and aging like a fine wine:
I find it mystifying that red hair looks so great when done in a salon à la Blake Lively, but so terrible on people who are born with it. I tried raising my concerns to several naturally red-headed women I saw at the mall yesterday, but they were surprisingly unhelpful in my query. I just chalked it up to their having the mark of the Devil and made sure to spit and make the sign of the cross after one of them inadvertently touched me.
Blake at Time Magazine’s “World’s Most Influential People” last night:
Breakout your best firecrotch jokes — Lindsay Lohan has returned to her roots. The Daily Mail says:
Perhaps Lindsay Lohan wanted to wash the past few months right out of her hair.
This morning, the 24-year-old actress stepped out in Los Angeles sporting a brand new strawberry blonde hair do.
Her red hair complemented her green studded hoodie, black leggings and black boots as she visited a court house in the Santa Monica area of Los Angeles to undergo a mandatory drug test.
Seriously, does anybody really give a fuck what color Lindsay Lohan’s stupid hair is? So instead, enjoy this awesome video of some chick getting nailed in the face with a watermelon on “Amazing Race.” The only thing that would make it better is if it were Lindsay Lohan.
From the late 15th century until the end of the 18th century in Europe, having red hair was considered a definitive “mark of the devil” that was punishable by death, usually by burning at the stake or drowning. Too bad Miley Cyrus wasn’t born in France in 1743.
I could see how with the new red locks you might mistake Jessica Alba for Ashlee Simpson, but lucky for you, there’s a sure-fire way to tell them apart. Just get them on their knees, stuff your wiener in their mouth as far as it will go, and then look down at your testicles. If you can still see chin, it’s Ashlee Simpson. Problem solved!
Getting a manicure in Beverly Hills with some equally surly friends:
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