These pictures are totally cracking me up.  Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to see friend Jenny Lewis perform at the Hollywood Bowl last night, and Reese got drunk as shit.  Jenny Lewis helpfully escorted Reese outside, and when they got to the car Jake started out deeply confused and ended up pissed as hell.  All of his yelling is probably what woke Reese up from her nap.  He kept gettin’ his shout on as Reese stared off into space and thought about kittens riding unicorns across rainbows or some damn thing.  Hee!  Reese is an adorable drunk.

After two rejected proposals, Reese Witherspoon has finally consented to Jake Gyllenhaal’s offer of marriage. A source told Star Magazine

“[The engagement ring] was gorgeous, and everyone noticed it right away. But she took it off as soon as she saw people staring. Reese stuffed it in her bag and didn’t put it on again the rest of the day.

There was already word out that she and Jake had gotten engaged, so the ring absolutely confirmed everybody’s suspicions. They’re ready to make it official!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m… happy for Reese. I’m allowed to say that, you know. I don’t just go around mocking celebrities for the sake of their celebrity status. I’m genuinely happy for her. Reese has finally found the girl of her dreams, and she’s about to make her all her own! I think it’d be wrong to sully such a feel-good moment with snark and thinly-veiled homophobic derision.

Shopping in Melrose:

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal made an impromptu visit to a sex toy and underwear emporium during their recent trip to London. Yeah, I’m sure Jake’s never been in some place like that before. Star Magazine says

While shopping in a Myla boutique on the West End, Reese beckoned [Jake] into the changing rooms… [with] various bra and panty sets.

Jake brought some items up to the cash register, then Reese paid with her credit card. On the way out of the store, the lovebirds stopped, giggling at a display of sex toys.

I’m sure you noticed gaping hole in Star’s lingerie show timeline. What was Jake doing from the time Reese went into the dressing room with the panties until the moment he arrived at the register with her card? Use your deductive reasoning skills. Was it:

A) Fetal position and lots of crying

B) Feigned enthusiasm and barely-contained vomit, or

C) Putting on the bra and panty set and belting out “I Feel Pretty” while twirling a parasol and high-stepping in peep-toe pumps

I think the only way the answer could be any more obvious is if it could physically bitch-slap you in the face and hiss, “Girlfriend please.”

Reese working some serious T-Rex arms while jogging last month:

Before Jake Gyllenhaal moved in with Reese Witherspoon last month, Reese made it clear who would be wearing the pants in the family. According to MSNBC

Reese discussed at length with him what is best for her household. Some of [the things she insists on are:] he has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table.”

Reese’s system is also said to include daily consultations with each other before making plans for dinner, home décor or even yoga sessions.

Boy, what carefree and spontaneous passion has alighted upon these two! Especially with the lights-off no-eye-contact missionary-position-only coitus every third Wednesday of the month. It’s got “whirlwind romance” written all over it. I’m guessing the only part of Jake’s day not firmly scheduled is his morning dump.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal reportedly joined the ‘Mile High Club’ on a flight to Los Angeles last week. My gut says Jake spent that ten minutes in the bathroom mussing Reese’s bangs “for that extra rowr factor, girlfriend,” but whatever. Showbiz Spy says

Witherspoon and Jake were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival. “Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,” the witness continued. Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes,” the witness told Star. Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.

Mmm-hmm. An airplane bathroom. No place sexier than the four cubic feet where the fat guy in the third row just unloaded a big greasy dump and the legally blind old guy just hosed down the wall. Did I mention there’s only like four cubic feet? Which makes it mathematically impossible for the fat guy’s ass not to have touched the wall when he was wrestling his pants back over his mysterious lump. Lucky Reese. I guess the Delta crapper will have to do when a sewer grate and closet full of lepers isn’t available.

Despite endless speculation and a slew of on again/off again rumors, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have finally come out as a couple. If by “couple” you mean “a beard and its gay.” The Daily Mail reports

The pair met on set of the upcoming movie Rendition and have now taken their romance public - they were spotted holding hands and canoodling during a romantic trip to Rome. Witherspoon, whose divorce from former husband Ryan Phillippe was finalised this month, had previously denied a romance with the Brokeback Mountain star. Now it’s clear their love affair is most definitely back on.

All this unexpected PDA! Whatever could have spurned them to go public after nearly a year of denying any romantic involvement? Certainly not Jake’s handlers trying to spin his self-professed love of men’s restrooms or their new movie’s dismal opening weekend. Ace of Spades says

The Vampire flick “30 Days of Night” led all movies by grossing an estimated $16 million, while Rendition came in 9th place taking $4.2 million (it cost $20 million to make). Judging by this weekend’s box office numbers, Americans just don’t care.

That’s right. We don’t. Americans only care about boobs and professional football. Like the esteemed Patrick Henry said to the tyrant King George in 1775, “Give me liberty, or give me boobs.” Also “We hold these boobs to be self-evident,” “A boob in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “Idle boobs are the devil’s tool.” I’d say the problem with “Rendition” is too much gay and not enough boobs. It’s the same problem that plagued “Brokeback Mountain” and “Mr. Holland’s Phallus.”

Reese and Jake “canoodling” in Rome:

Reese at the Rome Film Festival:

At the Thursday premiere of Rendition, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon reportedly avoided each other like the herpes, keeping to separate groups of friends and even refusing eye contact. According to Us Weekly:

“They didn’t even talk to each other at the post-reception except when a photographer pulled them together for a picture with the director—and he was standing in between them,” adds another onlooker.

“You know how actors are who are in projects together — they always go up to each other and say, ‘It’s so good to see you!’ For actors to not talk to each other, they have to either hate each other — which they don’t — or they’re hiding something.”

Well, since there’s nothing I love quite like delicious, delicious speculation — here are my Top 10 Reasons Why Jake and Reese Might Be Avoiding Each Other:

10. Reese told Jake that his new beard makes him looks fat.
9. They were on a break!
8. Reese accidentally taped over “Grey’s Anatomy.”
7. Jake finally saw that embarrassing movie she did with Napoleon Dynamite.
6. A strap-on incident that went horribly awry.
5. They’re covering up a murder, obviously.
4. Jake told Reese that her chin is too pointy.
3. Two words: Sex and Tape
2. Three words: Sex and Tape and Internet
1. Fishing trip my ass.

More of Reese looking gorgeous as usual, after the jump.

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