Hi everybody, it’s Sonya today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and it may be the day after that too, it all really depends on whether or not Abby recovers from her week-long Bacchanalian romp.  Speaking of which, someone who’s very apparently had one too many nips at the cooking sherry, Ozzy Osbourne was tricked into rehab by his wife Sharon Osbourne. Says Now Magazine,

Ozzy Osbourne admits rehab was not what he expected.

The Black Sabbath legend was tricked into seeking treatment by wife Sharon, 56.

‘She said I think it’s where they teach you to drink properly,’ Ozzy tells Absolute Radio.

‘So I go to the Betty Ford Centre and think where’s the bar?

‘I thought it was going to be guys in smoking jackets and bow-ties with one leg crossed over the other, leaning against the bar, now stir the olive in your martini, take a sip, curl your moustache and have a ciggy - like a school of drinking.’

Tsk, tsk. It’s not nice to mess with mentally challenged people. That’s how I lost my job as a handicapped school bus driver after I had the kids perform a Chinese fire drill in the middle of a busy intersection. People are SUCH buzzkills.

At a book signing for his autobiography, “I Am Ozzy”

There were reports earlier this week that David Hasselhoff had been hospitalized for an “ear infection,” which, as it turns out, is actually a PR agent’s way of saying “he was piss-fucking-drunk.” The Hoff had to be rushed to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital on Monday after bashing a doctor in the face in drunken rage. The Sun says

The bender began at the weekend at Simon Cowell’s posh birthday party. [Hasselhoff] got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.

A source said: “On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hasselhoff then lashed out when he was confronted by the physician - accidentally decking Dr Paul Ettlinger.

Well, they were kind of asking for it, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t cage a wild beast and then expect it to come with you willingly. You have to coax it out gently with a trail of savory morsels and treats. In this case, tiny Jagermeister bottles and pictures of boobs. That’s the only way I managed to get my husband out of the drainage ditch the night before our wedding.

Melanie Griffith checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah this week as part of an “ongoing commitment to stay healthy.” In other words, bitch is boozin’ again. Star Magazine says

An insider [says] that this stint in rehab is [really just] a bid to save her marriage.

The 52-year-old movie star has battled addictions to drugs and booze since she was a teenager, but her latest fall off the wagon is the last straw for her husband of 13 years, Antonio Banderas.

“He told her that if she didn’t get the help she needed [to get clean and sober], it would be the end of their marriage,” said the source.

Well, the Cirque Lodge certainly did wonders for Lindsay Lohan. As in “I wonder when this skankwad is going to finally OD in a Bungalow 8 crapper.” Looks like success is in the cards for you, Mel!

And now for some Olivia Wilde in the fall edition of Malibu Magazine because she’s not ravaged by plastic surgery and a cirrhotic liver:

Are you sitting down? Because you might want to. This news could literally knock you off your feet. Ready? Okay, here goes: Paula Abdul was addicted to painkillers for the last twelve years. There, I said it. I can give you a moment to collect yourself if you need to. Us Weekly says

In a shocking new interview, Paula Abdul reveals that her reliance on painkillers got so bad she could have died.

Abdul, 46, was diagnosed with “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” in [2005], a chronic neurological disorder that causes severe pain. Abdul wore a patch that delivered a pain medication about 80 times more potent than morphine and took a nerve medication to relieve her symptoms. Sometimes, she adds, she also took a muscle relaxer.

But the pain got so bad it that it often left her sleepless and caused her to “get weird.” A combination of these factors prompted many fans to believe that the American Idol judge was high on the air.

Determined to overcome her habit, she checked into the La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, Calif., last Thanksgiving. “I could have killed myself,” Abdul tells the magazine.

In other shocking news, the sun rises in the east and old people smell funny. Further bulletins as events warrant!

High as a fucking kite and dressed like a drag queen at the American Idol Experience party:

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

Amy Winehouse’s estranged husband Blake Fielder Civil reportedly impregnated the stunning beauty seen above while the two were in rehab for heroin addiction. The Daily Mail says

Gillian Morris, 31, told the News of the World that Blake seduced her at the Phoenix Futures Rehab Centre in Sheffield and “we had a secret fling.”

The mother-of-two, who was undergoing treatment for heroin addiction, said he was shocked when he found out but he “has vowed to stand by me and raise the child” and she is now planning to keep the child, [adding] “I was surprised how supportive he was. I don’t think he’d say he’ll stand by me if he didn’t mean it.”

Oh, I’m sure he meant it. Really, if there’s one person in the world whose word you can definitely trust, it’s a married man with a crippling opiate addiction who’s sticking it to you in the janitor’s closet at the court-ordered rehab center you’re both attending. I’m pretty sure they even use Blake’s porkpie hat during swearing-in ceremonies when they’re running short on Bibles.

Amy terrorizing local kiddies in St. Lucia:

Third time’s always a charm — just ask “The Tudors’” Jonathan Rhys Meyers! According to the NY Daily News

Meyers has checked into rehab for the third time. The “Tudors” star has struggled with alcohol in the past and fought his demons at Promises in 2005.

Talk that his drinking problem had resurfaced started earlier this month when Rhys Meyers didn’t show up to the IFTAs in Dublin.

What was that? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. Jonathan’s devil eyes keep telling me that my dog wants me to kill my neighbors and change my name to Son of Sam. Weird, huh?

Using his devil-eye power to trick Trinity College into giving him some award:

I’m glad that in these uncertain times, when the economy sucks big donkey balls and I get laid off after 7 years at the same job, that we can count on Amy Winehouse to do what she does best: be a hot mess. Is there a Guinness World Record for Most Hospital Visits in Year? Amy seems to be well on her way to becoming a champion. According to Now,

Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital on Friday night after collapsing.

The troubled diva, who is still on extended holiday on the Caribbean island of St Lucia, was in ‘a terrible state’.

Amy, 25, claims she has given up drugs during her vacation but is believed to have been drinking heavily.

‘She looked a shaking mess,’ a witness tells The Sun. ‘The people with her were very concerned.’

Amy’s spokesman has confirmed she’s receiving treatment after running out of a drug replacement she’d been using in a bid to get well.

You can always count on those Brits to make things sound so much more elegant and respectable than they are. Here in the good ol’ US of A, we’d substitute “in a state” for something like, “gargling on her own vomit” and “a shaking mess” for “too drunk to make it to the bathroom”.

Pre-drunken mess Amy doing some exercises in St. Lucia:

The medical center Amy was taken to: They put the hospitality into hospital!

Kelly Osbourne checked herself into rehab on Wednesday. Third trip, for those of you keeping count. According to Star Magazine

Kelly checked into Hazelden Alcohol and Drug rehabilitation center in Newberg, Oregon, on January 21st.

“Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab,” Sharon confirmed to RadarOnline.com. “What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it.”

Sharon said Kelly is expected to stay for at least the next 30 days but did not specify what Kelly was getting help for.

Well, the good news is she can always moonlight as Petunia Pig’s doppleganger after she gets out. The world’s your oyster, Kelly!

Here’s one you didn’t see coming: washed up whore and sloppy drunk Tara Reid is in rehab. Surprise, surprise, surprise! According to People Magazine

The actress’s rep [said], “Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family’s privacy at this time.” The rep would not reveal what Reid, 33, is being treated for.

A friend of the troubled actress says, “She checked in herself – it was her decision.”

What oh what could her malady be? I’m pretty sure Promises doesn’t treat plastic surgery addiction. But what about penis addiction? Or testicles-on-my-chin addiction? Or anal-if-you-buy-me-drinks addiction? I’m pretty sure those aren’t real vices. And besides, I listed them as “strengths” on my resume, right under to “Level 61 Night Elf Druid” and “Skee Ball High Score Holder at the Cloverleaf Mall arcade.” How did you think I got this sweet gig, talent? Not hardly!

Checking into Promises:

Photo credit: SPLASH NEWS

Although he was just sprung from the pokey yesterday, Amy Winehouse has yet to reconcile with husband Blake Fielder-Civil. On the plus side, all that not-reconciling left plenty of time for her to assault nearby photographers. The Daily Mail says

Winehouse looked far from jubilant [the day of Fielder-Civil's release] as she emerged with make-up smeared across her face. She appeared to be in an agitated state, lunging at a photographer [and] shouting: ‘Who’s first? Who wants some?’

Winehouse was [later] pictured clutching a prescription and falling into a cab, her face streaked with dirt and tears.

Just another victorious day for the Winehouse! See, the trick is to set the bar so low that everything short of accidental suicide can be tallied as a resounding success. Sure, I might feel shitty when I first wake up in that ditch covered in vomit, but then I’ll remember I’m not dead and instantly feel okay about myself again. Maybe even give myself a well-deserved pat on the back. Not too hard a pat, though, because chances are good that someone may have tried to surgically remove one of my kidneys again. Anyway, here’s to success, Amy! Mazel Tov!

Actress Maureen McCormick — Marcia Brady to the rest of us — divulges every sordid detail of her life behind the scenes of the Brady Bunch in her new biography “Here’s the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice.” According to E! Online

In addition to discussing an unusual string of relationships with Steve Martin, Michael Jackson and her TV bro Barry Williams, the actress also reveals that she once traded sex for drugs and engaged in full-on binges at the Playboy Mansion and at the home of Sammy Davis Jr.

The actress says she came to the feel-good show from an abusive family, with a father who abused and cheated on her mother. When the show ended, McCormick turned to cocaine and Quaaludes.

What followed throughout the ’80s was a battle with addiction and depression, including interventions and rehab stints galore along with various medications and therapies.

And just like that, another childhood memory goes “pfffft.” It’s like stumbling upon photos of Captain Kangaroo getting railed by two black guys in gimp masks or Laura Ingalls Wilder under the heading “anal fisting” and “Nazi fetishism.”