Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil are finally going to be together again. Granted, he’ll still be in prison and she’ll be in rehab, but they’ll still be in the same town, so close enough. Reunited and it feels so good! The Sun says

The Back to Black singer has booked into a clinic in a country town only a short drive from the jail where Blake Fielder-Civil is being held.

Amy will have treatment at the “small and friendly” Focus 12 Clinic in Suffolk, where funnyman Russell Brand beat his own demons. The centre is just 15 miles from Highpoint Prison, near Newmarket, where junkie Blake was sent earlier this month.

The clinic plan follows Amy’s shambolic performances at the weekend’s V Festiva..

Years of marital counseling has taught me that nothing benefits a relationship like separate jail and rehab stints. Except maybe years of gradual arsenic poisoning, a flight of cement stairs and a $500,000 life insurance policy with an accidental death benefit rider. Call me, boys!

Said “shambolic performance”:

Although rumors emerged last month that she was headed to rehab, is Mary-Kate Olsen refusing to acknowledge that she has a drinking problem. According to Star Magazine

The twin was so out of it that she collapsed in a public parking lot and then spent a short time in a holistic health spa to detox. But that didn’t slow her down, and… now she’s out of control and needs more treatment fast!

“Mary-Kate seriously needs to get to rehab, but she doesn’t think she has a problem,” says a source. “She thinks she’s young, hip and entitled to live her life as she sees fit. But it’s affecting everything.

Look, just because people keep telling you that you have a problem doesn’t mean you actually have a problem. If I checked myself into rehab every time my parents or H.R. or the docent at the National Space and Air Museum told me I needed to get my shit together, I’d have spent the last ten years of my life in detox instead of drunk on the couch writing about people I don’t actually know. Think of all the good stuff you guys would have missed!

At the screening of The Wackness:

At the Late Show with David Letterman:

Heather Locklear announced yesterday that she was “seeking treatment for psychological issues,” which is of course just celebrity speak for “I can’t function without my happy pills.” Her PR glossed over her addicition issues, saying

“Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment.”

From the looks of these pictures, she let her boozing and doping get out of control trying to establish street cred with the Crips. West Side ’till she dies, mothafuckas!

Video footage of Mary-Kate Olsen being carried to her car and then tumbling out of the backseat after partying in L.A. Thursday night has sparked rumors that The Thinspiration will be taking another sabbatical in rehab. (I searched high and low this morning for the footage, but it’s all mysteriously been yanked after making the rounds late Friday afternoon.) According to Full Disclosure

Olsen went to rehab in Utah in 2004 for an eating disorder amid rumors that she was also being treated for substance abuse. Now friends say she is out of control again.

“She refused to talk to Elle magazine about her involvement with Heath Ledger [and it] has brought the whole thing up in the press again and she has been depressed all over,” one pal tells us.

Boy, I wish I could make a living out of drinking my body weight and passing out on the street. Of course, for Mary-Kate, drinking her body weight translates to three Bacardi Breezers and a buttery nipple if she’s retaining water, but still. I’d be fucking Fortune 500 by now. You know, instead of just part-time in your mom’s pants. Buuurrn, mothafuckas!

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala last month with her sister:

Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says

[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”

While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.

Freshly-rehabbed Kirsten Dunst was photographed sporting a massive shiner Monday afternoon in New York. The Mirror says

Spider-Man star Kirsten Dunst looked like she’d been punched in the eye on the set of her latest film. Even a huge pair of sunglasses couldn’t hide the massive bruise on her cheek.

This follows close on the heels of Kirsten’s boozy 26th birthday party at NYC’s Bowery Electric last week. Coincidence? Probably not. MSNBC adds

A spywitness claims Kirsten downed a shot of whiskey before moving on to a series of rum and Cokes. “She got worse as the night went on,” the source revealed to the magazine. “She was dancing and jumping around like a crazed animal! She indulged any guy who gave her attention… and went up to several guys and started flirting with them hardcore.”

It’s Kirsten Dunst we’re talking about here, so you can pretty much guarantee she either A) caught the corner of the bathroom sink as she passed out on the crapper, or B) took one in the face trying to fend off a cross and a wooden stake from entering her heart.

Not even a whole month out of rehab, and Kirsten Dunst is already back to her Drunksnty ways. The NY Daily News says

Recently rehabbed Kirsten Dunst partied hard last week for her 26th birthday at Bowery Electric. We can’t say for sure what the newly sober Dunst was consuming, but spies say the actress looked a lot worse for the wear as she tumbled out on to the street hours after midnight with girlfriends gripping her arm.

A really fun game to play with a drunk person is a little something I like to call “Lassie.” Wait until they’re good and drunk and slurry and can’t get a discernible word out, and when they try to get your attention because they need to throw up, crouch down next to them, cock your head to one side and say, “What is it, girl? Trouble at the old mill? Timmy fell down a well?!” See, it’d be especially funny with Kirsten, because she’s already got the cuspids of an actual canine.

Jennifer Aniston sucking face with John Mayer in Miami, because they’re too boring for a whole post:

The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse is heading to South Africa for an extended stay in rehab, but Female First says she is already lined up to perform “the world’s most bizarre club” in September.

The troubled singer is set to pocket [$700,000] to sing at the opening night of a Rotterdam, Netherlands… venue powered entirely by human energy. “The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. The club is set in the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there it might even shock Amy.”

Shocking Amy Winehouse would be the modern-day equivalent of out-perving Caligula, so that’s really saying something. I can’t think of anything more fun than being at a concert fueled by the secretions of an orgiastic mob injecting heroin directly in their spines and snorting mildew remover between vomits. Maybe sphincter reconstruction or third degree burns.

In Touch magazine is reporting that actress Kirsten Dunst has finally found true love beneath the romantic canopy of rehab. Showbiz Spy says

The 25-year-old star met the mystery man at the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Sundance, Utah. An insider told the magazine: “The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes.”

Dunst’s new boyfriend has asked his mum to send flowers to Kirsten at the clinic on his behalf.

Flowers? What’s Kirsten Dunst going to do with a bunch of fucking flowers? A nice arrangement of captive princesses and new-born babies is what trolls like best. Unless you can get your hands on the bigger, fatter billy goat Gruff just across the bridge, but I bet they’re damn near impossible to wrap.

Page Six posted the following scandalous blind item this morning:

Which actress went into rehab only after she suffered a miscarriage? She was on a four-day cocaine bender when she lost the baby she didn’t even know she was carrying.

And then I happened across these pictures of freshly-rehabbed actress Eva Mendes leaving a Beverly Hills medical center on Monday and put two and two together. “Put two and two together,” of course being journalism speak for “wildly speculating without authenticating.” As seen on the Fox News channel!

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

Amy Winehouse won’t be performing at the Grammys this weekend after all. London’s The Sun says

The singer applied for a visa to attend Sunday’s Grammys bash - but was denied as officials found traces of an un-named illegal drug in her blood following the test at the US Embassy in central London. Pals said… Amy was “desperate” to perform at the Los Angeles bash - where she is up for six awards - adding: “It was her main incentive to get clean.” Amy is now expected to perform via a live satellite link to the awards ceremony.

Amy says she’s determined to stay on the path to clean and sober regardless of disappointing visa news, and she’s taken the next logical step toward sobriety by moving in with a family of former addicts. Yep, there’s no way she can fail now! According to Page Six

She’s moving in with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne and their daughter, Kelly, in the guesthouse of their estate outside London. The stick-figured singer is a longtime pal of Kelly, also a former rehabber.

Well, if Courtney Love and Pete Doherty weren’t accepting roommates and Richard Pryor and John Belushi are all dead, I guess living with the Osbournes will have to do for now. Unless, of course, you can legally set up residence inside a keg and have all your mail delivered via syringe. Then it’s welcome to the hotel Amy Winehouse!¹

¹_{You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.}

Still sober Amy in London on Tuesday: