It looks like true love has prevailed once again: Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together forever for now. Tommy told Rolling Stone

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.”

It’s nice to see a celebrity couple doing their part to keep the planet green. Instead of aluminum cans and tires, this couple is recycling their relationship. Creative! I’m sure it’s not just a happy coincidence that having sex with Pam Anderson feels just like slapping your penis against the insides of an old tire. Mother Earth offers inspiration almost anywhere!

Pam keeping it classy at the Montreal Opera this week:

Justin Timberlake has taken the next relationship step in making an honest man woman out of Jessica Biel — he’s asked her to move in with him. According to In Touch Weekly

“Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” [says] an insider. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that “they’re definitely headed for marriage. Moving in is just the beginning.”

If you’re wondering the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is, it’s very simple. When she’s your girlfriend, she looks like Jessica Biel above. When she’s your wife, she starts to look like Jessica Biel below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boys!

Watching a Marlins game last month:

Sienna Miller broke up with fiancé Rhys Ifans last weekend over her insatiable need for penis his jealousy issues. A source told The Sun:

“Things have been awkward for a while after she caught Rhys going through her text messages for ‘incriminating evidence’. He has been giving her a hard time lately, questioning her commitment to him. She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. She couldn’t… cope with his jealousy.

He is heartbroken they have split.”

Nothing could be as heartbreaking as that damn hairstyle of his. It’s like Rod Stewart and Quasimodo made a hair baby. Seriously, where do you even get that cut? Other than a bell tower in Notre Dame? I’m guessing you tell your stylist, “Think Jeff Daniels in ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ No, no — more disheveled! Try these pinking shears!” before just using a lighter to burn the ends off yourself.

Sienna as The Baroness on the set of G.I. Joe:

Pull out your push-ups, ladies — George Clooney is single again! People Magazine reports

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating. Though there was speculation that Clooney would end his longtime bachelorhood, in March the actor shot down rumors of an engagement.

Well, it’s like they say — “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Especially when there’s a whole dairy farm full of nubile young cows with big fake udders who’ll let you tag team with your best buddy anytime you want. That doesn’t fly in all fifty states, of course, but you’re cool if you stick with Arkansas and West Virginia. That’s why they call those states “The Velvet Underground,” if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

Check out George’s new fake teeth after the jump

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Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.

Jennifer Aniston and singer John Mayer were seen sharing a romantic lunch at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in Miami over the weekend. Granted, this has Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction-y stank all over it, but Jen’s just desperate enough to make it believable. According to OK! Magazine

During their 90-minute meal, Jen, ordered the chopped chicken salad while John, 30, enjoyed a Serrano ham sandwich. The… two shared a chocolale and peanut butter layered dessert. Later that evening, the two met up for dinner at Casa Tua on South Beach.

Sounds like love is on the menu for these two sexy stars!

All I know is if some guy in coveralls tells you “love is on the menu tonight,” you need to find some Vaseline and whiskey pronto. And also, saying “love is in the air” is way funnier than saying “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Words to live by, my friends! Words to live by.

Jen on the set of “Marley and Me:”

I know when you hear the words “attempted suicide” and “hillbilly heroin,” the first thing that comes to mind is “daddy material.” Well, you’re not alone — Kate Hudson is currently chomping at the bit to start having babies with Owen Wilson. According to Gatecrasher

Kate Hudson is apartment-shopping in New York with an eye to living here part-time with her rekindled flame Owen Wilson, according to a pal. “She is ready to nest and has even been talking about having more little ones,” a friend of the actress tells me.

It’s hard to resist the aura of paternal stability that radiates from Owen Wilson. Like the hum around a hornet’s nest or the musk that permeates a Taco Bell bathroom, it cuts to the very soul. The only thing that could set your loins ablaze quicker is maybe “recovering sex addict felon” or “backup dancer with dreams of rap stardom.” Saddle on up, Butterscotch Stallion!

Kate with Anne Hathaway on the set of “Bride Wars:”

Australian actress Sophie Monk helped herself to a big ol’ slice of Paris Hilton leftover pie by swapping her ex-boyfriend for Paris’. Sound confusing and riddled with genital blisters? Grab a spoon and dig in! Star Pulse says

[Sophie] split from rocker fiance Benji Madden at the beginning of 2008 and now she has been spotted out and about with his new girlfriend Paris Hilton’s ex, Alex Vaggo. Vaggo, a former pizza delivery boy, dated Hilton last year.

So, in short, each is banging the other’s ex. Marvelous. Well, you can’t undo the skank of Paris Hilton once you’ve been branded with it. Like a Aryan Nation tattoo or the term “registered sex offender,” it will serve to haunt you the rest of your days. Not to mention make volunteering as Den Mother or Black History Ambassador next to impossible.

Sophie necking with Kristin Cavallari outside the gym last week:

Paris on Germany’s small screen gem “Wetten, dass?” this weekend:

In Touch magazine is reporting that actress Kirsten Dunst has finally found true love beneath the romantic canopy of rehab. Showbiz Spy says

The 25-year-old star met the mystery man at the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Sundance, Utah. An insider told the magazine: “The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes.”

Dunst’s new boyfriend has asked his mum to send flowers to Kirsten at the clinic on his behalf.

Flowers? What’s Kirsten Dunst going to do with a bunch of fucking flowers? A nice arrangement of captive princesses and new-born babies is what trolls like best. Unless you can get your hands on the bigger, fatter billy goat Gruff just across the bridge, but I bet they’re damn near impossible to wrap.

After months of claiming to be “just friends,” singer Rihanna has finally been busted making out with R&B star Chris Brown. The Daily Mail says

The couple traveled to neighboring Jamaica together on Friday for Rihanna’s performance at the Smile Jamaica Africa Unite Bob Marley on Saturday. They were photographed kissing in a swimming pool at the Hilton Kingston Hotel in the Jamaican capital. A fellow hotel guest said: “They were smooching in the pool. They were playfully making out and he was kissing her on the neck.”

So they were kissing. Big deal. That doesn’t mean anything. Really, if I had a dollar for every dude who groped me in a pool, or in a bar — or on pool table in a bar — I’d be retired by now. What’s important here is that “Smile Jamaica Africa Bob Marley” sounds like something dreamed up by the nice ladies down at “Super Happy So Beautiful Nail” and “Poo Ping’s Yum Yum Palace.”

Me love you long time:

For shits and giggles, vintage Rihanna stinking it up at her high school talent show:

Despite being photographed leaving Owen Wilson’s house twice in the last week, actress Kate Hudson claims she likes a man “with balls.” Female First reports

The ‘Almost Famous’ star finds it a turn off when men are intimidated by her actions. The actress told British Elle: “If… a guy has no balls, you’re better off without him anyway!”

When I think “balls,” I think of someone manly, like a fireman or a sailor, bench pressing his own body weight while simultaneously repairing a car and chopping lumber. Not some dandelion-haired fop overdosing on his sad pills. Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.” Oh, yeah — BUURRRN, baby!

Kate leaving Owen’s house on Monday: