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This is the kind of quality person that Lindsay Lohan attracts. Can I say it? Ewwwww. Creepy McCreepersons here was patiently waiting in the wee hours of the morning to see his idol. I don’t think even Lindsay deserves to have this dude stalking her. Okay, I take that back. She does.

It’s a loser match made in heaven!

How do I know that Lindsay Lohan hasn’t learned anything from staying in prison? Her primary concern is how she looks when she leaves. Says Popeater,

The clearest sign that Lindsay Lohan will get out of jail this week is that several top stylists and hair and makeup people that Lindsay loves in Los Angeles have been put on hold from midnight on Thursday through the entire weekend.

“I am sure Lindsay will be sick of orange and jumpsuits and I definitely think ankle bracelets are out,” Phillip Bloch, celebrity stylist and author of ‘The Shopping Diet,’ tells me. “Knowing Lindsay I expect her to emerge in some skin tight jeans and some uber-trendy layered top. If I had the opportunity to dress her (Philip dressed Halle Berry when she accepted her Oscar) when she exits jail I would put her in a soft and flowy sundress a la Natalie Wood. It wouldn’t be bad to soften up her image at this point.”

Steve Whitmore, a spokesman for the Sheriff’s Department, told the LA Times this week that Lohan’s earliest release date would be Sunday, Aug. 1.

A corrections officer source explains to me that it is the jail, not Lindsay, that decides what time and date she will be released, telling me it will most likely be around midnight to minimize the press circus that will gather outside.

Once Lindsay is told she is free it will take her around 2 hours to be processed. During this time she will be able to call her mother, Dina, to come and get her. After all the paperwork is signed, and her belongings returned, she would be free to leave. It is at this point her glam squad has its work cut out for them.

“There is a small, dirty public bathroom in the reception area that she will be allowed to use briefly before she leaves,” an insider very familiar with Century Regional Correctional Facility tells me. “She will not be allowed to plug in a hairdryer and get a blow out and she can forget about using a flattening iron. There will be no full-length mirror and only if the corrections officers decide to be nice will they close the area to the public. Remember everyone who works at that jail hates the press. They don’t want to be bothered with all this nonsense and want to rid themselves of Lindsay as quickly as possible.”

I personally think she needs an egg yolk treatment for her hair, and I am more than willing to give it to her. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not completely cruel. I’ll give her a quick rinse-off with a firehose. Who’s with me?

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Shortly after being released from the hospital, Britney Spears was back up to her old tricks: driving around aimlessly, checking into hotels, and hanging out with Adnan Ghalib. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise! Britney’s daddy, however, was none too happy to learn about his daughter’s early exit from the psych ward. Page Six says

Jamie Spears is at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where daughter Britney holed up earlier in the day before leaving her car behind and driving away with Adnan Ghalib.An exhausted looking Jamie [wandered] the hallways with two burly security guards looking for Britney and clutching an envelope. The move came after he and wife Lynne Spears released a statement to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, expressing their frustration over Britney’s discharge from the UCLA medical center.

“As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that, over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe. We are deeply concerned about her safety and vulnerability, and we believe her life is presently at risk. We ask only that the court orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.”

It’s just like that old saying goes — “you can take the crazy out of the hospital, but you can’t take the retard out of Britney Spears.” Have truer words ever been spoken?

Same old Britney:

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After screaming belligerently at the staff for hours on end, Britney Spears removed her own IV, packed up her crazy and checked herself out of Cedars-Sinai around 9:15 Saturday morning. And what’s even better than Lithium for treating Brit’s bipolar disorder? Why, booze, sillies! Four out of five doctors1 recommend it! People magazine reports

The pop star, accompanied by Finalpixx photographer Adnan Ghalib since a few hours after her release, popped into the Daily Grill in Palm Desert around 10 a.m. Sunday. Spears shielded herself behind large, dark sunglasses and “had a champagne mimosa to drink,” says the restaurant’s manager. “She seemed in a really good mood, laughing with the guy she was with.”

She stayed at the restaurant about an hour.

Britney Spears is one shrubbery fort and a pair of incisors away from becoming this decade’s Margot Kidder. Minus the savoir-faire and quiet dignity, of course. But that’s where the booze comes into play. Nothing classes up a dame like a case of Natty Light or a nice handle of Kentucky Bourbon. That’s why they call it “Finishing School in a Bottle.” Or maybe that was “finish school and get off the goddamn bottle you insufferable disappointment.” It was sometimes hard to understand what my dad was saying over the sound of my own vomit.

1Dr. Dre, Dr. No, Dr. Feelgood, and the Groove Doctors, respectively

More of Britney in the ambulance Thursday night:

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