Although he was just sprung from the pokey yesterday, Amy Winehouse has yet to reconcile with husband Blake Fielder-Civil. On the plus side, all that not-reconciling left plenty of time for her to assault nearby photographers. The Daily Mail says

Winehouse looked far from jubilant [the day of Fielder-Civil's release] as she emerged with make-up smeared across her face. She appeared to be in an agitated state, lunging at a photographer [and] shouting: ‘Who’s first? Who wants some?’

Winehouse was [later] pictured clutching a prescription and falling into a cab, her face streaked with dirt and tears.

Just another victorious day for the Winehouse! See, the trick is to set the bar so low that everything short of accidental suicide can be tallied as a resounding success. Sure, I might feel shitty when I first wake up in that ditch covered in vomit, but then I’ll remember I’m not dead and instantly feel okay about myself again. Maybe even give myself a well-deserved pat on the back. Not too hard a pat, though, because chances are good that someone may have tried to surgically remove one of my kidneys again. Anyway, here’s to success, Amy! Mazel Tov!

After serving only 166 days for the car crash that left his “best friend” John Graziano in a vegetative state for the rest of his life, Nick Hogan was released from jail early this morning. The Daily Mail says

The 18-year-old was released from Pinellas County Jail in Florida just after midnight on Tuesday morning. He had been given an eight-month sentence after pleading no contest to a felony charge of reckless driving over the August 2007 car crash. However he was released early due to ‘good time’ credit.

Nick was taken to the family home in Clearwater, Florida, where onlookers said he was greeted by cheers.

You know, in times like these, I feel it’s best to turn to the Bible for guidance. Particularly the book of Exodus. Beginning in chapter 21 verse 12:

He who strikes a man so that he dies shall surely be put to death. But if he did not lie in wait for him, but God let him fall into his hand, then I will appoint you a place to which he may flee. If anyone is injured, the offender must pay a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot, a burn for a burn, a bruise for a bruise, a wound for a wound.

Given my vast hermeneutical knowledge and my brief stint in seminary, it’s pretty clear from these texts that God wants Nick to have two-thirds of his head bashed in before he’s shipped off to some nuclear testing site far away from civilized society. And sorry, but there’s just no arguing with God. Just ask the Jews about their little “vacation” in the desert if you don’t believe me.