Remember a few years back when Jessica Simpson admitted to having had Restalyne lip injections that she thought looked “so artificial?” Well, someone really ought to tell her that even though “artificial” sounds like a combination of the words “art-y” and “fish-al,” it doesn’t actually mean “like a paintin’ of that sexy Angelina Jolie fish from Shark Tale.” It means they look like goddamn blood sausages on the verge of bursting through their intestinal casings.

With sister Ashlee and boyfriend Tony Romo at Beso last weekend:

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?