The most hotly-anticipated home video of 1999 just got the kibosh — a judge granted singer Jennifer Lopez a temporary restraining order yesterday barring ex-husband number 1 Ojani Noa from releasing intimate home videos taken during their 11-month marriage. The NY Daily News says
Noa, 34, was in court without a lawyer and claimed after the ruling it was never his intention to sell the steamy camcorder footage.
He said he planned to make a Borat-style mocumentary about his life as a Cuban immigrant.
“[Lopez] is destroying my life,” Noa [said]. He said the videos — including intimate moments shot on their 1997 honeymoon — were used only for “inspiration.”
The racy reels include shots of Lopez, now 40, “fondling herself” over skimpy clothing and getting spanked, said a source who’s seen the 11+ hours.
Sounds fascinating. No nudity, just footage a Latina woman getting patted on the ass through her clothes. In most hispanic cultures, I’m pretty sure that’s actually considered a formal greeting. Just like the wolf whistle and the double-fisted crotch thrust, which when performed in succession can actually be considered a legally-binding proposal of marriage in most Spanish-speaking countries. Maybe the Daily News never visited Mexico before.
Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC
“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”
Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.
“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”
And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.
Disney execs have alerted the LAPD that a middle-aged man arrested for stalking Miley Cyrus in Georgia last month has been released because of jail overcrowding — despite the man telling the cops that Cyrus sends him “secret messages” through her television show. The NY Daily News says
McLeod was arrested [in Georgie last month] near where Cyrus was filming her upcoming movie, “The Last Song.”
McLeod allegedly tried to head-butt one officer as he was being handcuffed. “I will [fucking] be with Miley!” he screamed as he tussled with police. “Nobody will ever be able to keep us apart.”
McLeod told [police that] Cyrus had accepted his marriage proposal and that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, had given him his blessing. He told cops he had “thousands of pictures [of] Miley on his computer,” and had mailed her diamond rings… [and] that Cyrus’ responses came in the form of ’secret messages’ on her television show directed only to him.”
Police believe McLeod is obviously delusional.
“Obviously delusional?” We die-hard Miley fans prefer the term “visionaries,” thank you very much. You’ll see for yourself when the new Hannah Montana World Order is set into motion and Disney finally lays claim to your souls! Mwah hah ha ha!
An interview the NY Daily News did with him back in March:
There was yet another hearing in the Britney Spearsrestraining order case against Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib yesterday, during which Britney’s father Jamie testified that she had somehow obtained a pre-paid cell phone without his knowledge to contact the two men in secret. You might remember Sam and Adnan from such hits as “I’m poisoning your food with psychotropic drugs” and “Let’s make a sex tape.” Really, why wouldn’t she be calling them? According to TMZ
The nanny heard Britney talking to Sam and Adnan on the pre-paid phone in the wee hours of the morning one day. It appears Jamie believes Sam and Adnan got her the phone in an attempt to poison her against Jamie and to torpedo the conservatorship.
If Sam did have any contact with Britney, he would have violated a court order to stay the hell away from her. Jamie is trying to make the temporary restraining order against the dynamic duo permanent.
Oooh, somebody’s in trouuuble! Britney’s totally gonna be on phone restriction now. Toss in a chin full of cystic acne and some day-glo sportswear and it’s practically my sixth grade summer all over again. Except, you know, she’s pushing 30, and I was just learning about that special change that was going to make my body a woman. Good times.
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt was granted a permanent restraining order yesterday against a 62-year-old man accused of stalking her over the last year. Star Magazine says
Papers filed Monday in Los Angeles Superior Court show Love asked for protection against David Nolte, a Studio City, Calif. man whom she alleges has sent her “over 120 threatening and disturbing letters” in addition to following her.
Unfortunately, the court’s offer to provide for additional restraining orders against stalkers “Ronald McDonald,” “Captain D” and “Colonel Sanders” were vehemently rejected by Love-Hewitt’s camp.
Doing what she does best — eating and not walking:
Proving that there are still a ton of sickos out there, Kirsten Dunst has filed a restraining order against a man accused of stalking her. Dunst says in the declaration
“Christopher Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going to so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home.
Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe the guy was hard up for a little Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog. It’s not like there’s a real live witch hanging out on every street corner in L.A., you know. Kirsten Dunst is about as close as you’ll get. And even if you did come across a real live witch, you have to have Elune’s Candle or the Torch of Holy Flame in your arsenal, which you won’t have unless you’ve already beaten the dungeons of Blackfathom Depths, unless of course you’re already aLevel 20 Elven Sorcerer, in which case you would probably use the Luminescent Rod of the Naaru to kill her and then go back to jerking off in your mother’s basement. See? It’s not as simple as it sounds.
And now, the must-have gift for the person that you hate at the office Christmas party — the official Kirsten Dunst desk calendar!
Jennifer Garner has obtained a court order protecting herself from Steven Burky, a man who has been stalking her for the last six years as the “reincarnation of the prophet Enoch.” You know, Noah’s great-great grandfather in the Bible. According to TMZ
In her declaration, Garner says “Mr. Burky has been stalking and harassing me,” sending “packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country… since 2002, but in the last year his obsessive and harassing behavior has escalated to the point of becoming dangerous and threatening.”
Burky has shown up at her home and said, “God has sent him a vision of [Garner] being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death.”
Garner says she fears for herself, husband Ben Affleck and daughter Violet. She also says “I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born.”
We’ve learned the LAPD has taken the threat seriously and has [placed] Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.
Well, of course they did. He’s “Enoch.” Pfft. No wonder Jennifer wouldn’t give him a second glance. Look, if you want your one true love to take your delusional rants seriously, you need to go with someone a little more prominent. Say, “Jesus” or “Santa Claus.” And then show up at her door wearing her dead dog like a hat and a pair of her high heel shoes you stole off the set of Alias six years ago. It’s all about presentation, people. You only have one chance to make a first impression. Remember that the next time you’re chasing a stranger across the country to warn her about your death visions and Biblical incarnations. Otherwise you’ll never make it to second base.
Linda Hogan called the cops on soon to be ex-husband Hulk Hogan last month, claiming the Hulk was violating her restraining order against by driving past the home they once shared together. The only catch — Linda was actually in her car. Following him. According to TMZ
Linda was leaving her house when she spotted Hulk driving towards it — so she decided to follow him. So when she called 911 and explained she was following the man she claimed was harassing her, the 911 operator scolded her, saying, “Ma’am, ma’am — stop following him!”
Ah, the classic role reversal! A bizarre twist of fate in which the hunter suddenly becomes the hunted. Or as I like to call it, “the second date.”
The details of the restraining order Lynne Spears filed against Sam Lutfi have been made public, and it’s worse than you could have expected. In an excerpt from the six-page declaration obtained by Us Weekly, Lynne makes the following claims:
Sam told Jackie [a family friend] and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills [Risperdon and Seroquel and] puts them in her food. He told me that if he weren’t in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself.
Sam then told Jackie and me that we needed to do whatever he tells us. He then told me, ‘I’m the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter. I sleep in cars outside her house so she can’t leave. If you don’t listen to me, I’m going to make your name shit in the papers.’
Although Britney has several cell phones, he told us that he had disposed of all the phone chargers and had made the house phones unworkable.
At another point in the evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney’s checks.
Then he said to me, ‘If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.’
Adnan has told me… that Sam hides her dog, London. She looks for him all over the house, crying, and then Sam brings out the dog from the hiding place and acts like her savior.
This is some serious Machiavelli-meets-Charles-Manson type shit. Jesus. You usually only find guys that over-the-top evil in the silent films of the twenties. At least before the talkies they were easy to spot because they had capes and magic amulets and they always skulked about stroking their beards and looking sinister. You can’t exactly stroke a Brazilian chin wax. The best you can do is point at it and say, “The ball sacks go here” or “aim for the center of the strip with your boot.” He’d probably be better off sporting a turban instead.
It was revealed today that Britney Spears’ latest manager and BFF Sam Lufti — who told Barbara Walters this morning that Britney was in the process of seeking treatment for “mental issues” — had three separate restraining orders taken out against him in California before becoming Britney’s constant companion. Danny Haines, one of the people who obtained a court order, told Blender magazine (via Page Six):
Lufti told [me I] should “just kill [my]self” when the friendship soured. Lufti was “more jealous than a lover [and would go to extremes, telling [me I] was a “worthless mother[fucker]” one minute and that he “loved” [me] the next. When Haines eventually cut him off, Lufti humiliated him, e-mailing naked photos of him to his family, friends and co-workers. He texted and called incessantly and, according to court documents, told Haines he hoped his sister would be “raped to death.” In one e-mail to him, Lufti wrote of Haines’ mother that he hoped “Satan devours her flesh and bones” and he looked forward to the day when he would [piss] on her burial.”
Sounds like one of those rare cases when you’d rather open up the door and see Amy Fischer on your front stoop. Sure, Amy might blow off half of your face at point-blank range, but at least she’d leave your mom and sister out of it. Sam Lufti would sodomize your mailman and urinate on your fifth-grade chorus teacher if thought it would teach you a lesson. The lesson being “I’m a stubby little fruitcake lunatic with something to prove.” Really, if he would just went around introducing himself that way, he could totally save his wiener and his lawyers a little down time.
Grab a hold of your belts, boys — British girl Britney is back on the market! She told photographers from a rival agency Sunday night that she dumped Adnan Ghalib and filed a restraining order against him, even going as far to say she’s never heard of him in the clip above. In a British accent, of course. The Daily Mail reports
Britney shared news of the alleged restraining order with two paparazzi from X17 whom she invited into her home at 2am on Sunday. Sam Lutfi told the assembled group that he and Britney had filed a request for a restraining order against Ghalib because they want him “out of her life.”
One of the X17 photographers [said]: “Britney asked us to leave the cameras in the car, and she poured some champagne for us. Sam was telling us to not worry about Adnan because they have filed a restraining order against him. We had fun. Britney was funny, very relaxed, dancing a little bit, and she carried her little dog all the time.”
You try talking in a British accent the next time you want out of something and see how far it gets you. I clipped a pedestrian with my car over the weekend after a few drinks and tried telling the cops, “Blimey! This squidgy bugger stepped off right in front of me — seemed a bit potty if you don’t mind my saying so — everything went all sixes and sevens, I skived to my right, and sod’s law, Bob’s your uncle!” before one of them let me have it with the pepper spray. Apparently, the accent only works if you’re famous.
