Linda Hogan called the cops on soon to be ex-husband Hulk Hogan last month, claiming the Hulk was violating her restraining order against by driving past the home they once shared together. The only catch — Linda was actually in her car. Following him. According to TMZ

Linda was leaving her house when she spotted Hulk driving towards it — so she decided to follow him. So when she called 911 and explained she was following the man she claimed was harassing her, the 911 operator scolded her, saying, “Ma’am, ma’am — stop following him!”

Ah, the classic role reversal! A bizarre twist of fate in which the hunter suddenly becomes the hunted. Or as I like to call it, “the second date.”

The details of the restraining order Lynne Spears filed against Sam Lutfi have been made public, and it’s worse than you could have expected. In an excerpt from the six-page declaration obtained by Us Weekly, Lynne makes the following claims:

Sam told Jackie [a family friend] and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills [Risperdon and Seroquel and] puts them in her food. He told me that if he weren’t in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself.

Sam then told Jackie and me that we needed to do whatever he tells us. He then told me, ‘I’m the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter. I sleep in cars outside her house so she can’t leave. If you don’t listen to me, I’m going to make your name shit in the papers.’

Although Britney has several cell phones, he told us that he had disposed of all the phone chargers and had made the house phones unworkable.

At another point in the evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney’s checks.

Then he said to me, ‘If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.’

Adnan has told me… that Sam hides her dog, London. She looks for him all over the house, crying, and then Sam brings out the dog from the hiding place and acts like her savior.

This is some serious Machiavelli-meets-Charles-Manson type shit. Jesus. You usually only find guys that over-the-top evil in the silent films of the twenties. At least before the talkies they were easy to spot because they had capes and magic amulets and they always skulked about stroking their beards and looking sinister. You can’t exactly stroke a Brazilian chin wax. The best you can do is point at it and say, “The ball sacks go here” or “aim for the center of the strip with your boot.” He’d probably be better off sporting a turban instead.

It was revealed today that Britney Spears’ latest manager and BFF Sam Lufti — who told Barbara Walters this morning that Britney was in the process of seeking treatment for “mental issues” — had three separate restraining orders taken out against him in California before becoming Britney’s constant companion. Danny Haines, one of the people who obtained a court order, told Blender magazine (via Page Six):

Lufti told [me I] should “just kill [my]self” when the friendship soured. Lufti was “more jealous than a lover [and would go to extremes, telling [me I] was a “worthless mother[fucker]” one minute and that he “loved” [me] the next. When Haines eventually cut him off, Lufti humiliated him, e-mailing naked photos of him to his family, friends and co-workers. He texted and called incessantly and, according to court documents, told Haines he hoped his sister would be “raped to death.” In one e-mail to him, Lufti wrote of Haines’ mother that he hoped “Satan devours her flesh and bones” and he looked forward to the day when he would [piss] on her burial.”

Sounds like one of those rare cases when you’d rather open up the door and see Amy Fischer on your front stoop. Sure, Amy might blow off half of your face at point-blank range, but at least she’d leave your mom and sister out of it. Sam Lufti would sodomize your mailman and urinate on your fifth-grade chorus teacher if thought it would teach you a lesson. The lesson being “I’m a stubby little fruitcake lunatic with something to prove.” Really, if he would just went around introducing himself that way, he could totally save his wiener and his lawyers a little down time.

Grab a hold of your belts, boys — British girl Britney is back on the market! She told photographers from a rival agency Sunday night that she dumped Adnan Ghalib and filed a restraining order against him, even going as far to say she’s never heard of him in the clip above. In a British accent, of course. The Daily Mail reports

Britney shared news of the alleged restraining order with two paparazzi from X17 whom she invited into her home at 2am on Sunday. Sam Lutfi told the assembled group that he and Britney had filed a request for a restraining order against Ghalib because they want him “out of her life.”

One of the X17 photographers [said]: “Britney asked us to leave the cameras in the car, and she poured some champagne for us. Sam was telling us to not worry about Adnan because they have filed a restraining order against him. We had fun. Britney was funny, very relaxed, dancing a little bit, and she carried her little dog all the time.”

You try talking in a British accent the next time you want out of something and see how far it gets you. I clipped a pedestrian with my car over the weekend after a few drinks and tried telling the cops, “Blimey! This squidgy bugger stepped off right in front of me — seemed a bit potty if you don’t mind my saying so — everything went all sixes and sevens, I skived to my right, and sod’s law, Bob’s your uncle!” before one of them let me have it with the pepper spray. Apparently, the accent only works if you’re famous.