The bassist from the ironically named band Smash Mouth is in a legal battle against his wife for threatening to smash her mouth in. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. Says Digital Spy,

Smash Mouth bassist Paul De Lisle has reportedly been accused of domestic violence by his wife.

However, the musician has stated that it is he who is the victim of abuse from Mary DeLisle, reports TMZ.

The pair are said to have both obtained restraining orders against each other, while both accusing their partner of domestic abuse.

Mary De Lisle was granted a restraining order against the bassist in December, claiming that he “called me a c*** and told me to get out of his house, he threatened to kick my teeth in”.

She added: “[He] has slapped me in the head and back, thrown objects at me, locked me in a closet, locked me out of the house, broken down doors to get to me, pinned me on the ground and sat on my chest, dragged me out of bed by my ankles.”

Paul De Lisle obtained his own restraining order a few weeks ago, stating that his wife “grabbed my hair and struck me with several blows, she kicked me and tried to break my fingers.

“[She] repeatedly goes for my fingers, in an attempt to render me unable to play music, which is what I do for a living.”

I’d say she was trying to do him a favor. Last time I checked, Smash Mouth hasn’t been relevant since 1999. I’d say it is time to quit your day job.

Eva Longoria whoring herself out for Pepsi Next:

In newly released testimony from her 2009 legal petition for a restraining order against mother Courtney Love, Frances Bean Cobain accused mommy dearest of killing the family dog and cat and dragging her along on drunken domestic altercations with various ex-boyfriends. I bet that makes Mother’s Day kinda awkward — don’t know that Hallmark makes a card for “The Mother Who Must Remian 500 Feet Away All Times.” The Daily Mail says:

Backed by evidence from her male nanny and others the judge granted [Frances'] request, as well as ordering the Hole singer stay away from her daughter’s pet dog Uncle Fester.

Frances said her mother’s chaotic behavior was the reason for the death of two family pets — her cat died after getting entangled in piles of boxes of paperwork, trash and other possessions, while a dog died allegedly after swallowing a pile of Love’s pills.

[Frances also claimed that] her mother dragged her to James Barber’s house when she was 17, and that she sat in a taxi while her mother had a volcanic confrontation with her then boyfriend, [saying], “She’s outside the house, in her bare feet, [screaming] at him… she threw rocks at the house, and threatened to burn his house down… his children were inside the house, but that did not stop my mother.”

And then for good measure, Frances adds:

“[My mother] has taken drugs for as long as I can remember. She basically exists now on Xanax, Adderall, Sonata and Abilify, sugar and cigarettes.

She rarely eats… She often falls asleep in her bed while she is smoking, and I am constantly worried that she will start a fire (which she has done at least three times) that will threaten our lives.”

And then there’s this little gem, from Courtney herself:

[Love] said: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others.

I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”

Now it’s time for some Kate Upton in a bikini again, because I know the human brain can only take so much Courtney Love before it spontaneously shuts down. Reports indicate that “24 Hours of Courtney Love” was responsible for 95% of all temporary amnesia cases in the year 2002 alone. I’m pretty sure the other five percent have something to do with soap opera villains.

Terrence Howard’s estranged wife Michelle got a restraining order against him this morning after claiming Terrence “constantly beats her and threatens to kill her.” Good thing my dog can’t file restraining orders, then. TMZ says:

Michelle Howard filed court documents claiming Terrence began beating her up just 7 days after they were married in January 2010, [claiming] Howard “slugged me across my face and neck” … and threatened to throw her off a balcony.

Michelle claims the violence continued throughout their marriage — with Terrence allegedly:

– smacking her in the face and chipping her tooth with his wedding ring
– throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot
– telling her, “I’ll hit a woman quicker than I’d hit a man”
– Saying, “If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know
– Screaming, “Bitch, walk home. That’s my car, I pay for it.”

Terrence, of course, vehemently denies the charges, and for what it’s worth, he’s gotta couple of charges of his own:

Terrence filed legal papers… claiming Michelle had been threatening to “release private materials to 3rd parties for her own personal financial gain” unless he paid her money.

Sources connected to the case [said] the material in question includes a video of Howard singing naked in the shower.

I bet we’ll all have a good laugh once everyone realizes the “third party” she’s seeking is America’s Funniest Home Videos. They’re the only people I could ever see having a vested interest in this. Seriously, the only way I’d ever pay to see a video of Terrence Howard singing naked in the shower is if at the end, somebody threw in a couple of ferrets and held the curtain shut.

With his wife in Cannes earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan was arrested for the second time in less than a week after he violated the restraining order obtained by ex-girlfriend Kate Major for knocking her around when she refused to give him a blowjob. Oh, but wait — there’s more! When the cops showed up, he tried to escape his hotel room by jumping off a 3rd-story balcony into a fucking tree. TMZ says:

Tampa police responded to a call early this morning from Kate, who claimed Michael had been trying to contact her by phone and wouldn’t leave her alone.

Officers interviewed Kate at her apartment after she made the call — the same apartment where Michael allegedly bruised her up earlier this week — and while they were there, Michael allegedly called again.

Officers believed Michael was a “threat,” so they rolled up to his hotel to arrest him…. but Michael tried to escape by hopping his 3rd story balcony but fell 34 feet to the ground, crashing onto some wooden chairs, and then he tried to hide in some trees.

After officers pulled him down, Michael was placed under arrest for violating a condition of his pretrial release and resisting arrest without violence.

In the last week, Lindsay Lohan’s mother has shopped around a tell-all book about her and her father’s been arrested twice, and Lindsay’s been taking off her clothes for money because she can’t afford her lifestyle or the drug habit that’s aging her at an exponential rate. It’s all just so fucking sad, man. It’s like a Shakespearean tragedy, except set in New Jersey trailer park.

The couple in happier, blow-jobbier times:

In light of Rihanna’s lowering the restraining order against Chris Brown, the people over at MediaTakeout thought it would be an opportune time to release some never-before-seen photos they’ve gotten hold of to remind everyone of what was done to her. It’s unbelievable that after what he did to her, she’d want to give him another chance and set an example to her fans that this is acceptable treatment of women. She can pretend to be a strong, liberated woman, but until she starts respecting herself and demands respect from the men she dates, to me she’s just a ignorant ghetto trash girl.

One more new photo, plus the old one:

Sorry about the lack of posts yesterday, guys. You never know when you’re going to get internet access at the public library, especially when you end up in line behind a bunch of pervs who want to look at porn in a public place. I mean, sheesh! They can at least wait until I’m done before doing that!

So anyway, Rihanna is taking the typical route that black women take with their abusers and has requested that the restraining order against Chris Brown be relaxed. Says Digital Spy,

A judge has approved a request by Rihanna’s lawyer David Etra for the singer’s restraining order against Chris Brown to be relaxed.

Etra stated earlier this month that the terms of the protection would be lowered to a “level one”, which was put into effect in a Los Angeles court on Tuesday.

The new rules allow Brown to contact Rihanna provided that he does not “annoy, molest or harass her”, reports E Online.

Fame, beauty and fortune, and she still doesn’t think she can do better than someone who made her look like she had tried bouncing off the sidewalk. Ah, true love! It’s all passion and bloodied faces and making up again! Betty Everett was wrong in that song, “It’s in His Kiss”. How does she know if he loves her so? It’s not is in his kiss, it’s in his fist!

Being a great role model for girls at the launch of her new perfume:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — while Michael Lohan’s fiancée was busy filing a restraining order against him for alleged domestic assault, Michael was releasing secret recordings of phone conversations he had with her to prove she what a f*cking fake using whore gold-digger c*nt bitch she is. Remind me to never move to L.A. Radar Online says:

Kate Major, former magazine reporter and one-time Jon Gosselin gal pal, filed for an order of protection against Lindsay Lohan’s father after she told police he shoved her and kicked her in the face during an argument.

Major has claimed she has photographic evidence and hospital records supporting her version of events after the alleged brawl.

But Lohan turned on Major and threatened retribution against his ex-fiancée the only was he knows how — with audio tapes. The Lohan patriarch said he planned to release [secret] recordings detailing Major’s “legal and personal issues.”

“Because of Kate’s behavior and false claims, I am going to release a statement and only the first of many pictures of Kate (obliterated) as well as the first of multiple recordings,” Lohan [said].

[In return], Major’s camp is suggesting Lohan, a sobriety campaigner and the chief critic of Lindsay’s battles with booze and drugs, has fallen of the wagon. “He tried to hide the drinking,” said one of Major’s pals.

This is a little shocking, because you’d think a man who’d wear a mesh t-shirt out in public would be able to handle personal issues with dignity and poise. Nothing says responsibility like open-weave marquisette polyester. That’s why I wear my fishnet pants to all job interviews and PTA functions.

Jennifer Aniston has gotten a restraining order against a man who drove cross-country to meet her armed with a knife and a roll of duct tape. I guess some people just don’t appreciate the finer points of romance like I do. TMZ says

Jason Peyton was found on July 15, “laying-in-wait in a location he believes Aniston frequents with a ‘sharp object, a bag, a roll of duct tape and written messages about [Aniston].”

Peyton spent 8 days trying to find her and when he was taken into custody cops found carved messages in the paint of his car saying, “I LOVE YOU JENNIFER ANISTON.” According to the documents, “Peyton is an obsessed, mentally ill and delusional stalker — with a history of violence and criminal stalking — who drove cross-country in his delusional ‘mission’ to locate and marry [Aniston], with whom he believes he is in a relationship.”

As for Peyton’s violent past — it includes stabbing himself and hitting his mother with a golf club.

Peyton, who has been institutionalized before, was ordered to take antipsychotic drugs but authorities say he stopped taking them in March.

I don’t know what she’s thinking here. That’s probably the most meaningful relationship she’s had in the last six years. The ones with “Imaginary Brad” and the Beanie Baby Christmas Bears collection don’t count.

Leaving LAX yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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More details emerged over the weekend regarding Mel Gibson’s recent domestic abuse allegations — former mistress Oksana Grigorieva claims that he punched her in the face, knocked out her teeth and gave her a concussion in January of this year. She probably allowed a Jew to make eye contact or something. We all know how much Mel hates that. According to TMZ

A source connected with Oksana says, “She tried to protect the baby during one of Gibson’s violent episodes when he punched Oksana in the face two times, breaking her teeth and giving her a concussion. She regrets having believed in his empty promises to obtain professional help to control his violent nature.”

Sources connected with Gibson [claim] the actor did not get violent with Oksana during their January 6 confrontation, although they admit things did get physical.

Mel’s camp is trying to paint this as the machinations of a gold-digging hussy who just wants to line her pockets with more collagen, but unfortunately for him, there’s secret video of it happening. TMZ says

During the hearing, it came out that Oksana had secretly taped arguments she had with Mel. The judge ordered the tapes sealed and also ordered Oksana not to talk publicly about the recordings.

I just can’t believe he fell for something so obvious. Breaking up your marriage and “forgetting” to take the pill, then secretly videotaping you whaling on her like a Chinese soldier in Tiananmen Square is the oldest trick in the Gold-Digging Hussery Book. I thought everybody knew that. You might wanna go ahead and sign over your balls, because that grasp she has on them is only going to get tighter and more vise-like. Check and mate, Mr. Gibson.

Mel Gibson filed a restraining order against the mother of his bastard child Oksana Grigorieva in Los Angeles yesterday. That sound you hear is the tinkle of ex-wife Robyn Gibson’s champagne glasses and merry laughter. According to Radar Online:

In a blockbuster development in his bitter break-up with Oksana Grigorieva, the 54-year-old actor filed a temporary restraining order, a notice about a forthcoming court hearing and a notice of visitation rights and child custody.

Grigorieva was served the documents at her home in Sherman Oaks around 5pm Wednesday.

The real question is, does Robyn’s lawyer do the Told-You-So Dance, or does Robyn herself do it? I’ll have to consult my “Jilted Wives Who Get Theirs” handbook to be sure. Pretending to floss your crotch with the deed to to his summer home in Prague just doesn’t have quite the same impact without the song and high steps.

UPDATE: Turns out Oksana filed for a restraining order first — last Monday, to be exact — claiming Mel was “physically abusive” on more than one occasion back in January. Apparently you can’t file “I know you are but what am I?” petetions, so a restraining order is the next best thing.

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

If you somehow managed to avoid it the first time around, your chances of seeing more pics of Rihanna’s bloodied and battered face just got a whole lot better — it seems the new guy she’s dating has a history of domestic assault. Star Magazine reveals

[There are] charges of abuse by the ex-girlfriend of the singer’s new man, Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp.

In June 2008, actress Felisha Terrell filed a restraining order against the 6’4″, 220-lb. ballplayer — whom she had been living with — accusing him of threatening, intimidating and stalking her. In the papers, [she] states: “He is violent and I am afraid.”

Rihanna’s friends are afraid, too.

“You’d think after what she went through with Chris, RiRi would be extra careful about learning the background of any man she gets close to,” one of them tells Star. “It’s almost as if she has a dark side of her own — an attraction to bad boys.”

A “dark side” of her own? What is she, a fucking sith lord? Please. She’s a goddamn idiot, that’s what she is. And anyway, everybody knows there can only be two sith — a master, and an apprentice — according to the Rule of Two set forth by Darth Bane after he discovered the holocron of Darth Revan and disbanded the Brotherhood of Darkness, and Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi secured those spots a long time ago. Next time check your facts, dummies!

Performing in Rockefeller Center with Jay-Z last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online, Bauer-Griffin Online

The most hotly-anticipated home video of 1999 just got the kibosh — a judge granted singer Jennifer Lopez a temporary restraining order yesterday barring ex-husband number 1 Ojani Noa from releasing intimate home videos taken during their 11-month marriage. The NY Daily News says

Noa, 34, was in court without a lawyer and claimed after the ruling it was never his intention to sell the steamy camcorder footage.

He said he planned to make a Borat-style mocumentary about his life as a Cuban immigrant.

“[Lopez] is destroying my life,” Noa [said]. He said the videos — including intimate moments shot on their 1997 honeymoon — were used only for “inspiration.”

The racy reels include shots of Lopez, now 40, “fondling herself” over skimpy clothing and getting spanked, said a source who’s seen the 11+ hours.

Sounds fascinating. No nudity, just footage a Latina woman getting patted on the ass through her clothes. In most hispanic cultures, I’m pretty sure that’s actually considered a formal greeting. Just like the wolf whistle and the double-fisted crotch thrust, which when performed in succession can actually be considered a legally-binding proposal of marriage in most Spanish-speaking countries. Maybe the Daily News never visited Mexico before.