Holy shit, you guys.  My beloved Lily Allen might be quitting music!  From MTV UK:

Lily Allen has announced that her current tour could be her last after revealing that she might be retiring from music.

The singer, 23, told The London Lite: “I am definitely considering quitting music.”

Lily, whose latest album It’s Not Me, It’s You stormed the UK charts also revealed that she has a few new ideas for future ventures:

“After this album and tour I have a brand new business I am setting up, but I can’t say what it is yet.”

She is also rumoured to be opening up a fancy dress shop with her brother Alfie’s fiancée, Dead Set actress Jamie Winstone.

This makes me a sad panda.  Unless… does this “fancy dress shop” involve costumes?  I love it when costumes happen!  Actually, Lily can pretty much do whatever she wants and my love for her will survive, so long as she doesn’t go gently into that good night.  What the hell would Cutewatch ‘09 be without fair Lily?  Am I supposed to embark on a fictional platonic love affair with the likes of Britney Spears?  Fuck that noise.  That bitch is crazy!

[Header image is courtesy of Twitpic and shows Lily on a rooftop pool in San Diego yesterday before the kickoff of her US tour].

A disheveled Joaquin Phoenix showed up to the premiere of his supposedly-last movie “Two Lovers” with the Yodarian© message “Bye! Good” written on his knuckles. I’m sure we can expect to see “NeedsPumping MyStomach” and “ForFood WillWork” on his fists in the upcoming months. Anyway, his apparent alcohol-induced dyslexia did little to assuage rumors that he’s fallen off the old sobriety wagon. Page Six says

The two-time Oscar nominee showed up to a tribute to Paul Newman last week and “was out of it.” Other actors were performing scenes and readings, but Phoenix just got up and walked out. “He wobbled back in a bit later, but it was odd,” said our source. “He was slurring his words and was unsteady on his feet.” Friends of Joaquin are worried about the star, who has had a very public battle with drink and drugs.

Is Joaquin back on the booze? Jesus Christ. That’s like finding a huge penis is your ass and “wondering” if you’re gay. Of course you’re gay! You’re so gay you have two different versions of Dance Dance Revolution and a subscription to “Cat Fancy” and “Interpretive Dance Quarterly.” If you were any gayer there’d be a sailor in tap shoes using you as a hand puppet while you read this. I think you all can see where I’m going here. Joaquin Phoenix is clearly a gay. Like they say in the movies, case closed!

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Hey, remember Joaquin Phoenix?  He’s that guy who was in Gladiator.  The surly one.  No, not that one.  The other one.  He’s kinda scruffy, and he’s always scowling, and sounds completely pompous in all interviews, and hasn’t been interesting in ages.  No, not Russell Crowe!  The OTHER one!

Well, anyway, he’s retiring.  Or at least that’s what he told E! Online:

Phoenix, who turns 34 today, recently finished shooting the romantic drama Two Lovers with Gwyneth Paltrow, Vinessa Shaw and Isabella Rossellini. When the director said, “That’s a wrap!”…Phoenix apparently took it literally.

“I want to take this opportunity to give you an exclusive…I’ve been through that. I’ve done it.

“No, I’m not kidding,” he added, presumably not kidding.

At Phoenix’s side Monday night was Casey Affleck, who told E! News that his To Die For costar is really serious about hanging up his acting shoes. Honest.

Yeah, I know you don’t care.  I don’t care either.  No one cares.  I’ve never even heard of this Two Lovers movie, and the fact that it co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow does nothing to spur my interest, as she is a jackhole about whom I can only be bothered to care in the context of Iron Man.  I’m not sure who Joaquin thinks he’s kidding with this announcement of his impending retirement from film.  The last time he made a genuinely interesting movie was Quills, and that was eight damn years ago.  What he calls “retirement”, the rest of us refer to as “irrelevance”.

Besides, I remember Joaquin Phoenix from when his name was Leaf, and he was in movies like Space Camp and Parenthood.  Then he disappeared for a few years, and when he came back he had a different name, and I was all, “Isn’t that the guy who was in that movie where his best friend was a robot, and then that other one where he skulked around with a big bag of porn?”  And nobody knew what the hell I was talking about.  I don’t really remember where I was going with this, but you know who else has pretend best friends and skulks around with porn and disappears and then comes back with a new name?  Socially maladjusted sex offenders, that’s who.