Avril Lavinge is missing something important on the cover of next month’s Maxim. No, not cliched angst or pedestrian “bad girl” sexuality. They’re both there. It’s not fourteen pounds of hair extensions or lame tattoos, either — they’re there too. It’s the arm with the big pink arrows pointing at it. Either she’s part chameleon, or else her elbow has been surgically fused to the side of her abdomen.

I don’t know what kind of illusion she thinks she’s shattering here (we all know that in real-life she looks like this) but Britney Spears has agreed to allow the unretouched images from her Candies shoot to be released alongside the digitally-altered ones that went to print. The Daily Mail says

Imperfections that can be clearly seen in the [above] un-airbrushed shot include blemishes on her calf [and] larger thighs. The airbrushed picture, however, tell a different story with a slimmed-down waist and flawless, skinny legs.

Meanwhile, in the un-airbrushed shot [below], she has areas of cellulite on the back of her thighs, a tattoo on her lower back (sometimes called a ‘tramp stamp’) is clearly visible and her backside is a little out of shape.

However, in the altered photo all of these imperfections have been wiped out – and she appears to have a pert rear, unrealistically smooth skin, slimmer legs and the tattoo has vanished.

Also noticeably absent? Her camel toe (I circled it in the before picture and drew an arrow to it in the after picture with my totally boss photoshopping skillz). I don’t know when it became a crime to have labia, but guilty as charged. You might as well have airbrushed out Cindy Crawford’s mole or Kelly Clarkson’s third chin. Selling her puss is all Britney Spears is really known for.

Ten more unretouched photos:

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

The massively-photoshopped version of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of next month’s Self magazine has fat girls everywhere in an indignant huff. People Magazine says

Many readers have expressed disappointment and outrage over the digitally slim Clarkson. “Hey, hi, Self ladies: None this changes or explains the fact that YOU ALTERED THE BONE STRUCTURE OF HER FACE,” write one reader on jezebel.com.

Adds another reader: “Taking out red eye and airbrushing a pimple would be making her look her personal best. You completely changed the way her body looked. Why even bother asking Kelly Clarkson to pose in your magazine if you didn’t think her body fit into your idea of what was best?”

But editor-in-chief of Self magazine Lucy Danziger claims they were just “enhancing” Kelly, saying:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching. Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. [Kelly is] the picture of confidence. I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

For me, “personal best” means “not waking up at the scene of an accident after crapping my own pants.” For Self magazine, it must mean “sorry, but fat chicks don’t sell print ads.” I guess it’s all subjective, really.

NOT looking her personal best last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin