There are plenty of ways to ruin a good topless shot other than just covering up your tits. You could wear a stupid-looking fez, for instance. You could make sure the pic was low-res and grainy. You could hide the photo in a gay men’s magazine between an article about summer-weight cashmere and the best place to get a mani-pedi in Mykonos. Lucky for us, Rihanna already covered all her bases.

In the July issue of Esquire UK:

Chris Brown denied he was referencing the 2009 beating he gave former girlfriend Rihanna in his new “freestyle” remix of Kanye West’s god-awful “Theraflu,” but it seems the lyrics “Don’t fuck with my old bitch it’s like a bad fur/ Every industry nigga done had her/ Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her/ Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password” pissed Rihanna off enough to unfollow him on Twitter (he later followed suit and unfollowed her, too. So there!). Digital Spy says:

Brown addressed the controversy in a Twitter post on Thursday.

He wrote: “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about.”

Yes, that’s right. It’s something YOU feel guilty about. Because you had so much to do with it. Seriously, your issues are really bringing everybody down. It’s time you accepted some responsibility for your actions.

Rihanna was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this weekend, where she performed a stirring rendition of her musical masterpieces “Birthday Cake” and “Talk that Talk.” And by “performed” I mean “she slapped at her puss the whole time like it was swarming with fire ants and Japanese hornets.” But the real trick is coming up with a clever name for her new signature dance move so it will catch on. I myself like The Beaver Pelt or The Clam Slam, but I have yet to hear back from her people.

Rihanna and her visible nipple on the set of “Where Have You Been” (video after the jump):

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Rihanna isn’t someone who I’d consider a champion for women self-respecting themselves, so it should come as no shock to see her participating in something with definite misogynistic overtones. Says Digital Spy,

Rihanna has caused a stir on Twitter again by posting pictures of her throwing money at female strippers.

The Bajan star wrote on Twitter earlier today (May 2): “Best stress reliever= $tripper$. Kill it Tip it #Cake.”

She then published an image of her dropping bills in front of a performer simulating a sex act on another bikini-clad individual.

The picture was accompanied by the caption: “#ROCstars**t my daddy would be proud.”

Rihanna’s most recent post consisted of the hashtags “#RoleModelS**t #NaviS**t” and came with a picture of her apparently receiving a lap dance.

Seemingly making reference to her activities, she also tweeted: “My n***a I’m faded…And I don’t give a ph**k!”

I mean really, encouraging young, impressionable girls that being obsessed with an undead stalker boyfriends is a good thing is bad enough, but when you have what’s obviously a vampire stripper simulating lapping up menstrual blood in what’s supposed to be construed as an erotic act, you’re just being completely irresponsible. I shall now clutch my pearls and leave in a huff. Good day to you!

If you felt a great disturbance in the Force this morning, it’s probably because Rihanna’s a lesbian now. The NY Daily News says:

“I’m on my first date in almost 2 yearz,” the singer tweeted, adding that her “lover for the night” was longtime friend Melissa Forde.

[Rihanna] and Forde were photographed holding hands after having dinner at Giorgio Baldi [and] making their way over to Roxbury nightclub.

Photos that Forde posted online earlier in the night may not help squash the speculation either.

Though Rihanna is usually the one tweeting scantily-clad photos of herself, Forde was the photographer behind a series of risqué images of the singer that have since been deleted from her account.

Jesus, that chick is heinous. It’s not just the angle, either. She looks equally repulsive from the side. I guess after two years, just about anything becomes fuckable. Just ask that dude that got his wiener stuck in a park bench or that guy who was busted porking his own bicycle.

Those aforementioned “risque photos” + some from her photo shoot for Harper’s Bazaar (more after the jump):

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Picture Source: Radar Online

Maybe having her face punched in by her last boyfriend was enough to turn her off to boys, because it looks like Rihanna is playing for the other team now.  Radar Online says,

Apparently it’s not just boys who are welcome under Rihanna’s umbrella.

“I’m on my first date in almost 2 yearz,” the 24-year-old singer tweeted late Thursday night, prior to revealing her date was with a gal pal named Melissa Forde — and RadarOnline.com has photos of the two holding hands.

The duo painted Los Angeles red, holding hands as they grabbed dinner at Malibu’s Giorgio Baldi before hitting up Hollywood’s famed Roxbury nightclub. The We Found Love singer looked stunning in a long white dress, and Melissa was no slouch either, clad in a sexy get-up that revealed a pair of mile-long legs.

The Caribbean queen continued tweeting through the night, dropping some hints her relationship with Forde is anything but platonic.

“Beautiful is great, submissive is even better. Bawse b***h who’s submissive yet the captain of the ship n HONEST…#priceless #marryME,” she wrote, adding, “But she bad… So maybe she won’t…. But s**t, then again maybe she will.”

The singer was having a good time, uploading photos to her social media account of her table at the club covered in bottles of booze — and continued to tweet well into the early morning hours of Friday.

Rihanna posted a photo of her and Forde with the caption, “#datenight my lover for the night.”

They might have chemistry, but something tells me they’re bound to have disagreements about firearms.

Rihanna is keepin’ it real by wearing fancy pajamas to the premiere of her first movie, ‘Battleship’. The nicest thing I can say is, that at least they’re better looking than the ones I see other black girls wearing to the grocery store to redeem their food stamps. Not wearing dirty slippers is also a plus. ‘Welfare couture’ might just be the new thing.

Leave it to the white people to dress appropriately–with Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, and director Peter Berg:

Rihanna got all kinds of huffy in London today when a reporter dared to ask her an insightful and thought-provoking question during a promotional Q&A session for her new cinematic masterpiece “Battleship.” No, not “You do know this movie is just gonna end up in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart, right?” — the reporter had the balls to ask about her relationship with Ashton Kutcher. The Huffington Post says:

Asks Sarah: “You’re so good with connecting with people, that I think that we actually feel we know you. Things are clearly going brilliantly in your career. I just wondered if you are as happy in your private life. Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here?”

“Wow, how disappointing was that question,” Rihanna answers, shaking her head.

A moderator then leaps in to interject, but not before RiRi spits out: “I’m happy and I’m single, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

Rihanna’s not the only one who’s disappointed here. I’m a little disappointed, too. I’m disappointed that someone thought it’d be a good idea to make a movie out of the board game “Battleship.” I guess Rihanna and I will just have to learn to pick up the pieces and somehow move on with our lives.

With co-star and SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker:

Here’s a hearty helping of WTF?! — Rihanna was busted going into Ashton Kutcher’s house in the middle of the night and sneaking out four hours later. The Daily Mail says:

The 24-year-old singer was spotted by a photographer as she drove up to Ashton’s property with her security team around midnight.

The snapper confirmed to TMZ that the Barbados-born singer… didn’t leave until roughly 4am.

Rihanna and Ashton are both so pretty — just imagine if the two of them had kids! The little bastards would be totally fucked in the musical talent and acting ability department, but as mommy and daddy have amply demonstrated, being pretty negates the need for either in this industry nowadays.

Leaving Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica yesterday:

Rihanna left Da Silvano Restaurant in New York last night flashing her bits, which is all fine and well, but what I can’t figure out is why it looks like she got dressed from the closets of a construction worker and his son. Apparently the dad didn’t have any shirt to spare, so they hobbled together a shirt for her out of one of the kid’s sweaters and a pair of his pants. It sounds like a page from some weird fairy tale, except instead of furry sidekicks, an award-winning score and true love, there’s bad pop music, a thank-you quickie and a lingering rash.

Thumbnails are LSFW, except for that last one, where she apparently realizes her boobs are showing.

Chris Brown is an asshole, so it’s no surprise when he pulls some asshole stunt like snatching an iPhone out of the hand of a fan who dared to take his picture outside a club in Miami and then speeding off with it inside his car. Incidentally, Chris is still on probation for that beating he gave Rihanna, so if he ends up getting arrested for theft, there’s always a chance he could go to jail on a probation violation. TMZ says:

24-year-old Christal Spann filed a police report Sunday for “robbery by snatching” — claiming she followed Chris and rapper Tyga out of Cameo nightclub early in the morning and snapped a picture of Chris getting into his Bentley.

Christal told cops Chris flipped out when he saw her camera phone — then grabbed it through the car window, saying, “Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website.”

Chris then rolled up his window and drove off — $500 iPhone in hand.

No arrests have been made and no warrant has been issued yet. The incident is currently under investigation.

I see he treats his fans the same way he treats the women he dates. At least the guy’s consistent, right?

Adriana Lima on the beach for a VS photo shoot:

After their new single hit online, Chris Brown’s publicist made a point to say that Brown wasn’t “cheating” on his current girlfriend, model Karrueche Tran, with this ex-girlfriend Rihanna, and it appears he was telling the truth — Chris Brown isn’t cheating on her, because she’s totally cool with him boning Rihanna. Radar Online says:

“Karreuche is clearly enjoying the attention and notoriety she is getting being his girlfriend,” a source [said, "but] Karrueche isn’t stupid, and she has told friends that they have an open relationship. She never asks him about Rihanna, ever. Chris will take several days to call her back at times, and that is OK with Karreuche. She isn’t going to let the fact Chris is spending time with his ex-girlfriend come between [them].”

The Barbadian beauty and Brown have been hooking up but aren’t planning a reconciliation.

“They have probably hooked up no more than half a dozen times in the past year. It’s very unlikely that Rihanna and Chris would ever get back together though,” an insider told us.

“Rihanna is the one calling the shots now, which she likes. Rihanna knows that if they were to get back together, she wouldn’t be able to maintain that strong role, and Chris would lose interest.”

If there’s one thing I know about the finer points of romance, it’s that relationships based on a need for parasitic “attention and notoriety” and “power and control” always work out great. Almost as great as relationships built around fake pregnancies and murder-suicide plots.