The producers of Rihanna’s new “Birthday Cake” remix denied that Chris Brown was the “shocking” cameo on her latest track, but the single is online and of course it features none other than Chris “I Punched That Bitch in the Face” Brown. And if the title “Birthday Cake” didn’t tip you off, the song is a real auditory delight. ABC News says:

Rumors [that Brown was the featured collaborator on Rihanna's new single] only grew on Monday morning when Brown tweeted, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!,” to which Rihanna — replied “Thanks!” — [marking] the first time in a long time that the former flames had communicated directly with each other on Twitter.

Brown tweeted a link to the new music, along with a couple words from the blush-worthy track — “Cake, cake, cake!” — which Rihanna retweeted along with some additional lyrics, “#RihannaNavy Come and put ya name on it!!!!!”

Brown also shared a link revealing that Rihanna had returned the favor, reuniting with her former beau on a re-do of his Fortune single “Turn Up the Music.”

Though there’ve been rumors that Brown and Rihanna have rekindled their romance, Brown’s rep has said that is in a relationship and not cheating on his girlfriend. One listen to Rihanna and Brown’s verses on the highly suggestive “Birthday Cake” remix though, and speculation about whether the former pair are dating again is likely only to grow.

“Rekindle” is an interesting choice of words to describe what they’re doing to their relationship, but I don’t guess there is a word in English that means “pick the infected scab off a partially-weeping sore with a dirty fingernail and a pair of rusted roach clips.” I find most Germanic-based languages can be so limiting that way.

At Nozomi restaurant in London last night:

Chris Brown is seeing red after a rumor started about him using a particularly charming pickup line at pre-Grammy party. Says E! Online,

Earlier this week, Us Weekly reported that Brown, who pleaded guilty to a particularly brutal felony assault of Rihanna three years ago, attempted to sweet-talk a brunette at a pre-Grammy gifting lounge by telling her, “Can I get your number? I promise I won’t beat you!”

Well, the 22-year-old’s rep is now vehemently denying that any such encounter took place.

“That is absurd and absolutely not true,” his publicist told E! News. “He did not say that nor would he joke about that.”

God, people! How dare you make such crap up! You should know better that Chris Brown would never promise to not beat a woman up. He reserves the right to smack his bitches as he sees fit, and don’t you be forgetting that!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley with Cuba Gooding, Jr. at the Elle Style Awards in London:

Chris Brown won a Grammy for best R&B album for his fourth album F.A.M.E. Sunday night, much to the dismay of country singer Miranda Lambert, who loudly voiced her displeasure on her Twitter. In response, Chris Tweeted (via the Daily Mail):

‘Strange how we pick and choose who to hate! Let me ask u this. Our society is full of rappers (which I listen to) who have sold drugs (poisoning).

‘But yet we glorify them and imitate everything they do.

‘Then right before the worlds eyes a man shows how he can make a Big mistake and learn from it, but still has to deal with day to day hatred! You guys love to hate!!! But guess what???’

‘HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF.’

The tweets have since been removed from Brown’s account, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s an asshole, and he’s always gonna be an asshole. And if there’s one thing everybody hates, it’s reading about assholes all damn day. I’m sure you work with enough of them to fill your daily requirement (if you weren’t born into a family of them already). So instead, I give you the only antidote powerful enough to counteract that kind of Chris Brown assholery — Sophia Grace and Rosie on the red carpet at the Grammys!:

Rihanna stepped out in Hollywood channeling her inner white 80′s rocker with a layered blonde wig and cut-off stonewashed denim shorts. But as far as those armpit stains, maybe she should have followed the advice of this 80′s commercial.

Since getting that stupid-ass tattoo this past week, Rihanna has received criticism over the message that it conveys. You know, the message other than being a stupid twat. Says Digital Spy,

While many Twitter users spoke out against the body art, claiming that Rihanna was glorifying gang culture, she has since taken to the social networking site to defend her decision.

“I #LOVE my new tattoo!!! Can’t wait for yall to see it!!! I got it in ‘Tibetan’ this time!!! #approved,” she wrote.

“Chill babes #noshade. Err’body has an opinion, but yall know what yall can do with them!!! #THUGLIFE (sic)”

Rihanna later joked: “I’m thinking I shoulda got a tear drop instead!!! #THUGLIFE maybe next time. “All eyes on Rih, betta picture me rollin’ #THUGLIFE.”

I personally think a baboon making smoke signals while picking its ass would be easier to decipher than that ghettospeak. Seriously, if you’re going to make the effort to spell out err’body complete with an apostrophe, you should just go ahead and fucking spell the word you’re bastardizing. That shit is a whole different level of pretentiousness.

Keepin’ it classy with no bra and nipple barbells:

Rihanna took to her Twitter to show off her latest tattoo: the words “Thug Life” etched in pink on her knuckles in an apparent tribute to the rapper credited with coining the phrase infamously tattooed across his stomach, Tupac Shakur. Rihanna could have done worse, I guess. She could have been wearing a pair of Thug Life overalls and matching chef’s hat when she got the tattoo. You just know Tupac wishes he had that one back.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Is it just me, or does she look like Will Smith in a novelty afro wig that spent the afternoon being batted around by a cat? Discuss.

More twitpics of her getting tatted up:

Chris Brown is an asswipe with anger issues and Rihanna is a dumbass with masochistic tendencies, so like a dog to its own vomit, these two inevitably find each other. The two singers were photographed leaving Greystone Manor last night — albeit separately — after a night of drinkin’ to the freakin’ weekend together. The Daily Mail says:

Chris, 22, was seen leaving the club through the front door, getting into his Range Rover with a group of friends, while Rihanna, 23, left through a side door hopping into a waiting SUV with a bodyguard.

‘He and Rihanna are just friends,’ Chris’s rep told ABC News. ‘He is with his girlfriend, Karrueche, and is not cheating.’

[But while] the pair didn’t directly tweet each other, they both wrote declarations of love in response to one another.

Brown kicked off proceedings with a tweet saying: ‘Love U more than u know!’

To which [Rihanna] replied: ‘I’ll always love u #1LOVE.’

I think this time, things will be different. If there’s one thing I know about liars and cheaters, it’s that they usually change for the good and you should always give them another chance. It’s one of the main reasons why I still vote Republican.

Rihanna not wearing at bra at LAX last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In an earlier post, I may have insinuated that Rihanna was a bit of an attention-whore. I was wrong. She’s actually a huge attention-whore. I’m glad we finally got a chance to clear that up.

In Hawaii with her friends (via Twitter):

Funny thing is, that’s technically a one-piece, meaning I could’ve worn Rihanna’s swimsuit during mixed bathing at Bible camp. You know, if I didn’t have to wear a long-sleeved shirt and a wide-brimmed hat to keep my psoarisis from flaring up in the sun.

I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, and in honor of his dream and the entire Civil Rights movement, I did not work. Instead I laid around in a chair all day smoking blunts, which is exactly what Rihanna did, and she’s black. And speaking of marijuana and the Civil Rights movement, I’d like to add that now that we’re “all sitting down together at the table of brotherhood,” I call dibs on the seat next to Rihanna. Puff puff, give, sister!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Rihanna and Chris Brown are possibly getting all schmooopy-woopy on Twitter, but they haven’t specifically named each other, so it’s not for sure. Ah, love from afar. It’s just like Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo had a penchant for cold-clocking Juliet in the face. OK! Magazine says,

…Rihanna and Chris Brown are raising a few eyebrows. After their tumultuous relationship and break-up seemed to finally make its way out of the headlines, it appears the former lovebirds are posting tweets about love.

Whether or not they’re directed toward each other remains cryptic since they’re not tweeting directly to each other, but they are both tweeting about love! Coincidence? Hmmm.

Chris started by posting, “Love U more than u know!”

Merely two minutes later as E! News reported, Rihanna responded with a tweet of her own: “I’ll always love you #1love.”

It would be shame if they don’t end up together. Those pictures of her with a shiner and a busted lip would look awesome in a slideshow of their best moments together or artfully displayed in a scrapbook for their coffee table.

In native Barbados: