You didn’t think Lindsay Lohan’s ex-boyfriend was going to stay quiet for long, did you? Riley Giles’ fifteen minutes were close to ticking away. Dangerously close. Until he reminded the News of the World this past weekend:

“Lindsay’s definitely a nymphomaniac. We’d have sex a couple of times in the day and then go to it through the night. We once did it four times in a row straight. Lindsay was insatiable. She’d demand sex again and again. We’d go at it for hours. She’d have worn out most guys.”

“Lindsay has a very addictive personality. And now she’s switched habits again. First it was drugs, then it was sex, now it’s shopping. Her whole day consists of spending—EVERY day. She gets her hair done every day and has a spray tan twice a week. I don’t think it’s healthy.”

Look, bottom line — if doesn’t involve penises and mystic tans, I can’t really see Lindsay Lohan getting behind it. In front of it on all fours or under it on her knees, yes, but not behind it. It’s just too hard to get the wiener inside you that way.

The teaser for the inevitable sex tape:

Star magazine is claiming that sobriety poster girl Lindsay Lohan has been banned from yet another (remember the Mondrian?) swanky hotel — the Shutters on the Beach Hotel in Santa Monica — after a three-day stint with snowboarding douche Riley Giles left a room in less than pristine condition. Hotel Chatter says

“Staffers went into clean and were shocked,” says the source. “It was a pigpen. There was filth everywhere and the room stank of cigarette smoke. There was also a bloody syringe that someone left lying on the bedside table on a room service tray. Hotel security photographed it before calling someone to remove it because it was considered hazardous waste.” The hotel also had to call in a professional cleaning crew to clean up the mess that Lohan made. The last word in all of this is that Shutters has blacklisted her.

Lindsay was hysterical when she found out that she’d been blacklisted, until her agent gently explained that “blacklisted” didn’t mean “no more sex with black guys.” Then she wiped her eyes and sniffed, “Really? Oh, thank God!” and made what I thought was the sign of the cross. Her agent later told me it was just a recap of all the places she’d let you stick your wiener, which explained the tongue-in-cheek sign for blowjob at the end. Catholics!

Lindsay leaving the Coffee Bean in L.A. on the seventh:

Lindsay Lohan may have once again have loved and lost. According to E! News

Sources close to the couple say Lindsay dumped Riley shortly after the two returned to Los Angeles [after Thanksgiving.] “She made it pretty clear when they got home,” says our source. “It’s over. She got tired of him pouting all the time. It was fine when they were in Utah, just the two of them. But then they returned to L.A., photographers followed them everywhere, she had meetings with this agent, that publicist, this director. His ego couldn’t take it.”

It was probably less of a “wounded-ego” issue as much as it was a “shameless whore” issue. Like with the photographers, for instance. It might have helped had she not personally arranged every photo op and gotten paid for every picture the paps snapped. It also might have helped if she hadn’t been punched in the kitty by every dirty bastard in Hollywood and pulled more pork than Boss Hog at a barbeque. Yep. I just made that one up. Right off the top of my head. Did I mention I’m running a fever? I’m going to go lay down now.

Lindsay leaving Bossa Nova last night:

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving à la Lohan? Why, by dragging your new boyfriend up for a weekend of group therapy and ignoring you. Just like the Native Americans did all those years ago! Page Six reports

“The Lohan family [sister Ali, 13, mother Dina and father Michael] sat down for a therapy session in Manhattan together [on Thanksgiving],” said our source. Younger brother Dakota, 11, was allowed to skip the session.

Lindsay’s latest fling, fellow ‘habber Riley Giles, spent the holiday weekend partying in the city without his girlfriend. While [Lohan] spent Friday and Saturday shopping with her mom and sister, her new boyfriend slept late on Saturday, having partied the night before at Pink Elephant.

Even sober Lindsay Lohan can’t find a guy who wants anything to do with her outside her vagina. If it doesn’t involve a) boobs, b) boobs, or c) anal, there’s no viable reason to spend any time with her. At least before rehab, hanging out with Lindsay meant tons of free blow and vodka. Now it’s all “equine-therapy” and “authenticated self-actuation” and “gentle sobbing.” Bleh. Riley could just pay a therapist to watch him jerk off and avoid the middle-man^* altogether.

*Lindsay Lohan’s mom

Lindsay at the Marmalade Cafe in Malibu yesterday:

Where do you go to complain about your girlfriend’s mom being a total buzzkill? 68% of high school freshman unanimously answered “Your MySpace account!” Ding ding ding! Also noted: “third period study hall” and “to her front step with a loaded weapon registered under your uncle’s name.” From Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend (possible fiance?) Riley Giles’ MySpace account (via OK! Magazine):

“ADVICE OF THE WEEK: if your a mom, with 4 kids, the best thing u can do for them right now is have a reality show. WE. DO. NOT. WANT. she had the nerve to ask us to be on. no thanks!”

Aw, so no-go on Dina Lohan’s new show? That’s too bad. Without Lindsay on the case, Dina’s gonna have to find another way to keep the ratings up. Like showing up unannounced at Lindsay and Riley’s door with a camera crew and an eight ball or embedding cameras in their NYC apartment and replacing all the bottled water inside with gin. It’s a fact that unless Dina’s new show features a) Lindsay Lohan doing stuff; b) Lindsay Lohan’s boobs; or c) Lindsay Lohan and her boobs doing stuff, nobody is going to give a rat’s ass about watching a washed-up coke whore and the rest of her less-famous little bastards taking turns yelling at each other. They already have a name for that sort of drivel. It’s called “Judge Mathis” and “justice that makes a difference.” Check your local listings for airtimes.

Lindsay and her luscious mane of realistic-looking hair leaving a beauty salon last week:

Lindsay Lohan continues along the fast track to sober success with a secret engagement to boyfriend Riley Giles. Co-dependent enablers unite! OK Magazine reports

Radio host JJ Ryan at KFRX radio in Nebraska says snowboarder Riley Giles [told him] that he’s engaged to girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. JJ then claims that Lindsay and Riley got engaged at the Utah resort the actress stayed at after she first exited rehab. JJ tells OK! that it was Riley himself who revealed he was engaged.

If that doesn’t say “lifelong commitment” right there, I don’t know what does. I predict Lindsay and Riley will bask in decades of stability and sound accountant-like union. See, they’ve got more than half of the ten most important foundations for a successful marriage in their pockets already, so the marital éclat’s pretty much a done deal. What are the ten most important foundations for a successful marriage? I’m glad you asked.

TOP TEN FOUNDATIONS FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

10. Being 21 or younger on the day of your wedding

9. Being blackmailed into it by an evil mastermind intent on destroying the world

8. Meeting your future spouse in rehab

7. Cheating on your former fiancée with your current fiancée

6. Getting pregnant

5. Lying about getting pregnant

4. Mutual hatred of any ethnic group

3. Compatible STD’s

2. Pre-arranged by your Indian parents for 35 rupees and a dairy cow

and the number one, most important foundation for a successful marriage:

1. All anal, all the time

I’m sure you already figured this guy had to be pretty fuckin’ awesome if he gets to pork Lindsay Lohan, but it looks like Riley Giles is even more awesome than previously believed. According to TMZ

Riley Giles was pinched by the Summit County Sheriff in Utah for possession of a controlled substance by misrepresentation, fraud, forgery or subterfuge — in layman’s terms, he forged prescriptions for the drug Xanax. Summit County Sheriffs tell TMZ he was picked up by officers in March of 2006. Riley [also] spent 10 days in the slammer for DUI.

Well, if the Wu-Tang shirt and the sideways ball cap didn’t tip you off before, this guy is one cool mofo. Did I mention he had sex with Lindsay Lohan? Really, if he were any cooler, he’d leave a trail of ice wherever he went and blow frost instead of smoke when he exhaled. We’d have to call him “Ice Man” and wear mittens when we passed him a joint. “The Ice Man cometh!” we’d say when he walked in the room. Or, you know, we could just call him a faggot and take turns kicking him in the nuts. I think that’s the standard M.O. for people with really gay nicknames.

UPDATE: Read excerpts from Riley and his ex-fiancee’s MySpace fight here