I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.

An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.

An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”

The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.

While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.

I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.

Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming:

Twilight is easily one of the DUMBEST series of books in the history of ever, and it resulted in one of the dumbest, most boring movies ever made, starring a pothead and an unkempt retard who share absolutely no chemistry and stand around mouthbreathing and glaring at each other for two hours.  Naturally, everyone involved became a huge celebrity and now we get to look at a hundred boring-ass pictures of them making jackassy faces on their birthdays.  How delightful.

Robert Pattinson leaving his 23rd birthday party:

Robert Pattinson really flexes the old acting chops with this guy-on-guy kiss in a scene from his upcoming movie, “Little Ashes.” Yep, I’m sure it was a real stretch for him to play gay. Expect to see him in other equally challenging roles such as “angst-riddled teenage fop” and “Pillsbury Dough Boy come magically to life.” I think I smell an Oscar!^*

_{*Or perhaps that’s just Javier Beltrán’s upper lip.}

You know how I know that you’re gay? You’re looking at these pictures of Robert in GQ:

A full frontal photo of “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson as Salvador Dalí in “Little Ashes” has found its way online, and dear God is it disappointing. To begin with, all you see are pubes, really, no actual wiener, and then there’s the fact that Robert Pattinson is downright revolting naked. He has the hips of a woman and the muscular definition of a wad of soft cheese. Dalí must have embraced doughnuts and Texas cheese toast as enthusiastically as he embraced surrealism.