I was trying to tell which one of these two twats looked like they were more miserable, and honestly, I couldn’t decide. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both look like they’re trying to squeeze the itch out of an anal polyp. Hate to break it to you, kids, but that’s a two-finger job. Clenching and soulful staring isn’t gonna cure what ails ya.

On the red carpet at the “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” premiere in the UK last night:

Robert Pattinson doesn’t just look the part of a dirty, smelly greaseball,  he really is one! Turns out that Señor Sparkle Pants is a hoarder! OMG! lolz! WTF! TTYL! ESPN! Says Digital Spy,

Robert Pattinson has revealed that he can’t stop hoarding his possessions.

The Twilight star admitted that he has to keep all of his books and clothes even when he has no use for them.

He told the Daily Record: “I’m a hoarder. I gave away all my furniture from [when I lived in] Baton Rouge, but with books and things I have storage spaces all over the world.

“It’s ridiculous. Clothes – I cannot give away clothes. I don’t know why. I wear the same thing every day and I just have piles and piles and piles of clothes and then every two years, I’ll go to the storage space and kind of see what I can give away.

“I give away like three things, search through everything and then pack it all back up and put it in the storage space.”

Well, once his career of staring intently into space is over, he can always let loose with the hoarding and get himself on a special episode on A&E’s Hoarders.

Looks like he took his monthly bath:

Now you too can be a sparklepants! Marks & Spencer (they’re probably gay) are designing a line of panties men’s underwear that are inspired by Sparklepants-in-Chief Robert Pattinson. Says Digital Spy,

The slim-fit garments will be called the R-Pant, reports The Guardian.

The range of low-rise trunks and briefs are meant to be worn with skinny jeans like the kind worn by Pattinson.

The Twilight star will not appear in ad campaigns for the line nor has he endorsed it. However, Pattinson was recently spotted shopping at the retailer’s stores.

The underwear will also sport an absorbent layer in the crotch in case of spontaneous menstruation. Also look for R-Pant With Wings, coming this fall!

With Reese Witherspoon on the set of Like Water for Elephants:

Photo Source: Fame Pictures

In news that’s sure un-moisten the control-top panties of lonely fat girls everywhere, Twilight puss Robert Pattinson finally admitted he is dating co-star Kristen Stewart. That great disturbance you feel is the collective strain of a million Double Stuf Oreos suddenly crying out in terror and suddenly silenced. The Daily Mail says

After refusing to comment on their relationship for months, Pattinson finally broke his silence and admitted they were an item.

He told The Sun: ‘It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it’s impossible. We are here together and it’s a public event but it’s not easy.’

So they’re a couple, but they don’t arrive together and they don’t leave together and are only ever photographed together at Twilight premieres. Interesting. Just like he is a “heterosexual” but somehow allergic to vagina and hard-up for roles where he gets to kiss naked dudes. Riii-iiiight. I’ve never seen anybody who sucked so bad at lying. And I’ve seen Dick Cheney on “Meet the Press” more than once, so that’s really saying something.

Kristen at the BAFTA’s and the Elle Style Awards last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Robert Pattinson was at the BAFTAs yesterday for some inexplicable reason, and I’m pretty sure his swamp ass left an oil slick on the red carpet.  Seriously, I know this idiot has a history of general disdain for basic personal hygiene, but god DAMN.  I bet you could deep fry a turkey in the skuzz you’d get if you wrung out his hair.

Robert Pattinson at Sunday’s BAFTAs:

Twilight puss Robert Pattinson was forced to endure a 12-hour photo shoot with a bunch of naked chicks for his spread in next month’s Details magazine. See if you can guess how much he enjoyed that. Nine MSN says

“I really hate vaginas,” Showbiz Spy quoted him as saying. “I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours.

But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

“Allergic to vagina?” I’ve never heard it called that before. Most people usually refer to that condition as “faggoty-ass faggot.” In fact, that’s actually the correct term to use when filling out medical questionnaires and college applications. Just so you know.

Several of these are NSFW:

The sound you hear is the panicked screaming of eight million Twihards.  But settle down spazatrons, because Taylor Lautner isn’t actually dead.  From E!:

In a career milestone achieved by only a select few (and Jaleel White), Twilight Saga star Taylor Lautner has become the victim of his very own Internet death hoax.

Take that, Robert Pattinson.

No, Lautner’s not really dead. A rep for Summit Entertainment tells E! News, “I am almost 100-percent positive this is a hoax.” (After double-checking with the home office in Hollywood, the rep confirmed this was indeed a hoax.)

Besides, unless our favorite werewolf doubles as a zombie, he’ll be presenting in the flesh at Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards, organizers announced today.

Well, that’s a shame.  Now that Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled, I have no use at all for Taylor Lautner so he may as well be dead for realsies.  His demise would probably cause heart attacks in at least half of those creepy Twimums, so it would be an humanitarian effort, really.

Supposedly, Twilight retards Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spent New Year’s Eve together on the Isle of Wight.  From Star:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rang in 2010 together in England’s Isle of Wight.

The stars of Twilight were spotted bundled up in hoodies shopping on the island off England’s south coast and even took pics with a fan, according to reports.

Rob spent the holidays in his native London where he celebrated Christmas with his family so it’s no surprise his costar — who he’s had an on-and-off again romance with — would join him to usher in the new year!

Now, keep in mind that this is from Star, so there’s at least an 85% chance this story is entirely made up and the “reports” came from a talking badger and a bag of hashish.  But still, there is a remote possibility that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may have spent a day shopping on the same island, and maybe they were both wearing sweatshirts.  Oh mah gawd, y’all… can you feel the romance?  The passion?  The excitement? Yeah, me neither.  I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point, and now my whole left side is numb.

In some kind of ass-backwards attempt to convince us that Robert Pattinson isn’t smelly and disgusting, Bryce Dallas Howard told New York Magazine that his teeth are so brittle and rotten that they fall apart when string touches them.  From E!:

Apparently, using dental floss can be dangerous. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

The Twilight hunk supposedly chipped his tooth making sure he had healthy gums and could properly deny reports of being stinky, according to Eclipse costar Bryce Dallas Howard.

“Actually, he’s incredibly hygienic,” the actress told New York magazine at the premiere of her latest film, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond. “He told me this story that made me crack up. He was like, ‘Oh, I have to go to the dentist.’ And I was like, ‘Oh no, what happened? Just a checkup?’ And he was like, ‘No, I chipped a tooth.’ And I was like, ‘How?’ And he was like, ‘Flossing.’ ”

Before she could be handed an award for storytelling, she admitted, “I don’t even floss. So he’s hygienic. Trust me.”

Um… whatever, crazy lady.  Normal people’s teeth don’t fall apart during flossing, so I’m still pretty secure in my belief that Robert Pattinson is gross.  Also, it’s pretty gross that Bryce Dallas Howard doesn’t floss.  Is there anyone from the cast of Twilight who isn’t gross?  Jesus, it’s like everyone who gets within a square mile of that franchise just gives up on life and starts behaving like a vagrant.

Katy Perry is all in a tizzy because someone dared to suggest that she may have been getting cozy with Twilight star Robert Pattinson. Says NineMSN,

The wide-eyed popette was outraged to hear rumours she had been “flirting outrageously” with Twilight’s Robert Pattinson at an LA karaoke bar, after which she apparently left with him in the same car.

“Read a bunch of yesterdays news – B**LOCKS,” she Twittered.

“Ppl should know by now that I don’t do vampires, but I do DO @rustyrockets [Brand's Twitter username]. Don’t get it TWISTED!”

Now, I’m no squealing fan of Robert Pattinson, but I’d take it as a step up to be associated with him rather than oily-looking, hairy, looks-like-a-cult-leader Russell Brand. Plus the fact that he’s put his slimy sausage into every available orifice that he’s run across. He’s probably breeding his own special Brand of an STD. Brand-get it? Ha ha. I amuse myself greatly.

I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.

An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.

An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”

The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.

While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.

I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.

Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming: