Katy Perry’s boobs are on the cover of Rolling Stone again (her first cover was way better, BTW), and this time, the shtick is that her boobs are supposed to be Hershey’s Kisses. For those of you keeping score, she’s dressed her tits up like cupcakes, lollipops, cans of whipped cream, eyes, and now Hershey’s Kisses. To say this cooze is a one-trick pony would be an insult to trick ponies everywhere.

Lady Gaga really shows her ass in the June issue of Rolling Stone, and I don’t just mean that euphemistically. I mean she literally pulls down her pants and shows her ass. I’m sure it has some deep esoteric meaning that I’m just missing because I’m not gay or morbidly obese. She tells the magazine:

“[When I was in school], I had a very big nose, very curly brown hair and I was overweight. I got made fun of,” she says.

Her early struggles is part of the reason Gaga relates to her fans, many of whom are eccentric misfits.

“I see myself in them,” Gaga has said. “And I look at them, and every show there’s a little more eyeliner, a little more freedom, and a little more ‘I don’t give a fuck about the bullies at my school.’ ”

Gaga, who adores her fans almost as much as they worship her, says “When I am not onstage I feel dead. I don’t feel alive unless I’m performing [for my Little Monsters].”

I’m not how pulling down her pants is really a testament to her fans. I’m sure most of them are more used to having their pants and underwear yanked up their ass crack before they’re stuffed inside a locker or covered in spit balls.

In case she hasn’t made it blisteringly obvious through her latex wardrobe and her stupid “S&M” song, Rihanna wants you to know she has a thing for sadomasochism. She tells the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone (via the Daily Mail):

“I love to be tied up and spanked. Using whips and chains is too planned… you have to stop and look for the whip. I prefer them to use their hands.

I like to take the reins in my life, but I enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. In there I can be a little lady and have a male who has responsibility for the situation. That’s sexy.”

I bet Chris Brown is just kicking himself right now. If he’d only had the foresight to physically restrain her with a seat belt before he beat the hell out of her, it would have been foreplay, not assault. I guess that’s what they mean when they say hindsight is 20/20.

When you live in a little bubble created by the fantasy world of reality TV, you tend to lose your bearings on how things actually are. Case in point: Snooki is all confused as to why anyone wouldn’t think she’s the best thing since spaghetti and meatballs. Shocking! Says Digital Spy,

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has confessed that she is confused by comments made by Ne-Yo regarding her recent Rolling Stone cover shoot.

Posting on his Twitter page earlier this week, the ‘Miss Independent’ singer criticised the Jersey Shore star’s appearance on the publication’s cover, writing: “Wow. Snooki is on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Really? I quit. (Just kidding, but almost serious.)”

Snooki has since struck back at Ne-Yo, telling US Weekly: “I was just really upset. I’m a big fan of Ne-Yo. Every song was on my iPod and I deleted them yesterday just because of his comments.

“Why do you hate me? I’m the nicest person ever. I understand you are a little mad ‘cos your career is not up right now and I’m on the cover but you know what – I’m a nice person and I deserve it, so get over it.”

Ne-Yo later told E News that he believes his initial response was correct.

“I don’t know her so I can’t disrespect her, but I feel like Rolling Stone is a music magazine,” he explained.

“And for them to put her on the cover, it’s like, ‘Really?’”

The last time I saw a little piggy so enthralled with itself, it had just gotten a buttermilk bath in preparation to be taken to the county fair. I’m not sure exactly how that connects to Snooki’s comments, but it sounded good and I’m hoping in her case that it ends with a change of plans and a trip to the slaughterhouse instead of a “Best in Show” ribbon. E.B. White has nothing on my storytelling skills.

Hosting a pool party in Vegas:

I hope anyone who actually buys Rolling Stone magazine anymore has the decency to ask someone to kick their balls all the way up into their throats. Says the offending magazine,

Polizzi says that she always watches Jersey Shore, but she rarely likes what she sees. “If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it,” she says. “I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like shit.”

Polizzi has big plans for her future. “When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs,” she says. “If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

Yeah, after getting paid to sit around on your fat ass and get drunk, why in the world would you want to go get a job where you had to, you know, work? It’s kind of like those people who live their lives on welfare, really. The only real difference is I don’t have to see Snooki shuffling around the grocery store in her slippers on the first of the month to cash her check.

Arriving at Live with Regis and Kelly in February:

I wouldn’t wipe my ass with Rolling Stone magazine, and not just because it’s a socialist rag that purports itself to be the definitive authority on all things rock ‘n roll while putting Avril Lavigne and the Jonas Brothers on its cover. No, I wouldn’t wipe my ass with Rolling Stone because they seem to be under the misguided impression that I give a fuck about some corporate-manufactured puppet who isn’t old enough to shave’s take on hot-button political issues. I don’t. But apparently a lot of pregnant rape victims do. OK! Magazine says:

[After saying he didn't believe in abortion -- that it was "like killing a baby" -- Bieber] was asked what he thought about abortion in cases of rape. He said, “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

And it was his “everything happens for a reason” comment that has critics attacking the Biebs.

“I think he meant that God has a plan,” his interviewer told PopEater. “Even for the most die-hard Christian, it’s hard to justify rape as part of God’s plan, and harder to justify rape that leads to pregnancy and abortion. It is being widely misunderstood. He did not say that rape was part of God’s plan.”

But was it fair for Rolling Stone to ask [a 16-year old boy such loaded] political questions?

“I think that anyone who has as much sway in popular culture as Justin should be asked all questions,” the interviewer explained. “I agree that he does not bring up these issues in his work at the moment, but it’s possible that he will in the future.”

As a keen observer of the human condition, I can tell you that there are three questions in life that you should never, ever answer honestly: 1) Why aren’t you wearing pants?; 2) Is that a gun?; and 3) What are your thoughts on abortion? But I wouldn’t expect a guy who isn’t old enough to vote or buy cigarettes to know that. That kind of wisdom only comes from years of experience and lots of legal counsel.

Justin Bieber in Paris yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I could talk about the lunatic that was shot down at the Discovery Channel headquarters today after holding several people hostage and demanding that they cease production of “19 Kids and Counting” and “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” but that story really doesn’t have any boobs in it. At least not boobs in the mammary sense of the word, and that’s the only definition I’m counting here. So let’s talk Christina Hendricks and her awesome rack instead! Popeater says:

The UK edition of Cosmopolitan magazine claims that young women would rather look like breakout ‘Mad Men’ star Christina Hendricks than iconic waif Kate Moss.

“Joan [Hendricks' character] has had a huge impact on fashion and on women having the confidence to flaunt their curves,” editor Louise Court [said].

“This year loads of girls want to look like Christina Hendricks, not Kate Moss.”

Hendricks has also recently been praised by Britain’s Equalities Minister for setting a great body-image example with her hourglass figure.

It’s nice to see women being encouraged to have real boobs again. I’m so over the rail-thin blonde with bolt-on tits look that is so pervasive in Hollywood these days. Give me a luscious, curvy brunette like Kelly Brook or a buxom redhead like Christina any day of the week. No, I mean it. Give them to me. Give them to me, or I take everyone at ABC Studio Headquarters hostage until “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” get taken off the air. Just do what I say, and nobody gets hurt!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

John Mayer is in the new issue of Rolling Stone, and he talks about how he’s not over Jennifer Aniston and his compulsive masturbation.  From OK!:

On his headline-making relationship, and subsequent split, with Jennifer Aniston, John confesses to Rolling Stone, ”I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life.”

He adds, “I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**ing fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.”

Continuing on this not-exactly-romantic path, John admits, “All I want to do now is f**k the girls I’ve already f**ked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”

So maybe it doesn’t come as a shock that John has resorted to a new level of self-gratification. “I am the new generation of masturbator,” he explains. “I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week… I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion.”

Gross.  John Mayer is funny-looking (he’s got droopy eyes and freaky disturbing eyebrows and his head is an odd shape and his lips are lumpy) so I can only imagine how many things are wrong with his douchebag dick, and yet he never stops running his mouth off about it.  He’s a self absorbed, unfunny tool shed.  I wish he’d stop talking and singing and breathing.  Just stop happening altogether, John Mayer.  Go away.

Megan Fox isn’t afraid to go under the knife (plastic surgery before and after here), and she’s not afraid to use one to hack at her arm, either. She told Rolling Stone

“Yeah, [I used to cut myself]. But I would never call myself a cutter. Girls go through different phases when they’re growing up, when they’re miserable and do different things, whether it’s an eating disorder or they dabble in cutting.

I’m really insecure. I never think I’m worthy of anything… I have a sick feeling of being mocked all the time. I have a lot of self-loathing. I am very vulnerable.”

Jesus jumped up Christ. What the hell is up with all these girls cutting themselves here lately? In my day, we didn’t saw at our wrists with steak knifes to ease the pain of insecurity and self-loathing — we gave blowjobs on the back of the bus and did anal under the bleachers like any respectable high school sophomore would do. Frankly, I’m a little disgusted with all this emo “hurting on the outside like I hurt on the inside” shit. A penis can do the same job, but without any of the ugly physical scars. Emotional scars are practically impossible to see!

Showing off her legs after a “Jennifer’s Body” press conference last month:

Megan Fox does a half-assed “If I Could Turn Back Time” Cher on the cover of next month’s Rolling Stone magazine, only without the thigh-high boots or the Iowa-class battleship backdrop. I just hope Cher will break out that see-through catsuit again and show this smarmy little bitch how it’s really done. You know, when she finally finishes her stint Madame Tussaud’s and has a little more free time. All that retiring can really keep a woman busy!

Bonus “If I Could Turn Back Time” video after the jump.

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Britney Spears is all smiles and exposed midriff on the cover of December 11th issue of Rolling Stone, in which she divulges some choice tidbits about her delightful and well-adjusted toddlers. Us Weekly quotes her as saying

“They’re staring to learn words like ‘stupid,’ and [3-year old Sean] Preston says the F-word now sometimes,” Spears reveals. “He doesn’t get it from us,” the singer stresses. “He must get it from his daddy [Kevin Federline]. I say it, but not around my kids.”

That’s probably true, not because she’s vigilant about clean language around her children, but because she’s probably only seen them a total of eighty-four hours in the last year and a half. Not a lot of time to imprint vocabulary on the impressionable, as things like that go. One thing you won’t be reading about in Britney’s Rolling Stone interview, however — her ongoing battle with bulimia. Star Magazine says

A source [says] Brit’s diet consists mostly of “Taco Bell and turkey jerky washed down with Red Bull. She throws up after meals, both at home and at restaurants, and she isn’t very discreet about it.”

The pop star is also “taking diet pills. She has to go to the bathroom constantly. It just runs right through her. And everyone knows she still throws up when she’s eaten too much. You can smell it in the bathroom.”

A crazy woman who reeks of puke living with her father and saddled with two little brats. The only way that line could be more unappealing to men everywhere is if the words could somehow leap off the screen and kick them in the testicles. See, there’s “lowering the bar,” and then there’s “using the bar to ass-fuck yourself in front of a mirror while sobbing uncontrollably.” I’ll let you decide which heading “dating Britney Spears” falls under.