Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is intimidatingly gorgeous. I mean seriously. The girl can wear paper-thin champagne satin, and it doesn’t even have the nerve to wrinkle unbecomingly across her lap or even show maybe the teeniest bit of weird bulging or pooching–nothing. It’s really rather ridiculous. I think maybe her shit really does smell better than mine.

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The only reason I would ever knowingly purchase a copy of Maxim is for these pics of Transformers 3 star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in her skivvies. Otherwise, I’d have to have amoebic dysentery during a city-wide toilet paper shortage before I’d ever plunk down five bucks for Maxim magazine.

PHOTO SOURCE: Maxim

Now THIS is how you’re supposed to show up at a Guys Choice awards show hosted by Spike TV — a dress cut practically to the navel and split all the way up to the crotch. Provided you couldn’t find anything whose main description included the words “rhinestone tassels” and “Brazilian cut.”

VS model and Transformers 3 star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley getting it right:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley demonstrates one of the many pitfalls of posing poolside in an evening gown with your legs up in the air — the unfortunate “I’m wiping with my own ass with the bottom half of this dress” effect. Also, there are always horseflies at a pool. That’s why I wear a long-sleeve shirt and pants when I go swimming. Not because I’m fat and I burn easily, no matter what the other camp counselors might have told you.

Don’t get me wrong — I think Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is incredibly beautiful — but I just don’t like what’s going on with her face on the cover of next month’s Complex magazine. I don’t know if it’s the angle or what, but one of her eyes seems a good two inches higher than the other. It’s like looking at a much hotter version of Sloth from The Goonies. Baby… Woooth, anyone? Sloth love Chunk!

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has quite a mouthful for a last name. She’s also got a nice mouth/hand/whatever-you-want-to-grab-it-with-ful of spectacular asscheeks. That’s all well and good. As a side note, the shoot’s sexy and all, but looking at that picture with the guy’s mouth full of panties makes me want to gag. I can’t stand to have fabric brush against my teeth. I’m turned on and feel like vomiting at the same time. It’s a very conflicting set of emotions. Also known as, my sex life in general.

The third picture is a bare-ass shot and LSFW:

Did I mention the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was last night? I couldn’t remember, so just to be safe, here’s a ton more pictures of the hottest chicks in the world in their underpants. EDIOTR’S NOTE: At this point if you’re still reading words instead of clicking thumbnails, go ahead and break out your rhinestone-covered tap shoes and your Chanel Homme, because you’re gayer than Andy Dick and Ricky Martin in a two-man unicorn costume. Trust.

Headliner Adriana Lima here, plus Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and Karolina Kurkova after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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You’ll get your choice of models Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Alessandra Ambrosio, Kelly Brook, or Gisele Bundchen on the cover of your #4 issue of Love magazine when they launch their new (free!) iPad app next week. Editor-in-Chief Katie Grand says:

“As the printed page becomes more valuable as a home for iconic images, we wanted to seize the moment to play with iPads and see what we could create for this technological magical wonderment box.”

I have no idea what the hell she just said, but they had me at “magical wonderment box.” It just sounds so much nicer than the word “pussy.” Well-played, Love magazine!

UPDATE: Now with hot Sienna Miller action!

People often ask me what the “S.S.” stands for in this sort of post. It initially started out as a seasonal thing, a testament to my going the extra mile to procure pictures of celebrities in bikinis for you during the summertime gossip lull. My “summer supererogative,” as it were. But ultimately, I ended up going with “S.S.” because it sounded way fancier than “Tits or GTFO.”

NSFW behind the scenes of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s DT shoot earlier this year:

Michael Bay isn’t shedding any tears over Megan Fox — in fact, he’s already found her Transformers 3 replacement. The Sun says

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY will take over as the leading lady in upcoming blockbuster Transformers 3.

The Victoria’s Secret model has been offered the role in the threequel after Megan quit last week. [Fox] reportedly had a row with director MICHAEL BAY over her weight loss.

Rosie has not got any acting roles behind her.

So Rosie doesn’t have any “acting roles behind her.” Big deal. It’s what’s on the front of her that counts. Everybody knows the only real measure of talent is cup size.

NSFW testament to said talent:

These pictures of Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in British GQ ought to convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is, in fact, a God. You know, if the infinite complexity of a Mandelbrot set and Cheeto Jesus hadn’t already sold you on the good Lord first. Amen!

Thumbs 2 and 4 NSFW:

Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley goes topless in this edgy new ad campaign for fashion brand Thomas Wylde, and I bet I know exactly what you’re thinking right now: “God” and “damn.” Also “I have an erection that has lasted more than 4 hours.” Here’s a hint: stop taking Viagra before you come into work. It’s not fucking rocket science, dummy.

In a new ad campaign for Thomas Wylde: