Mariah Carey made an appearance on Rosie O’Donnell’s soon-to-be-canceled “The Rosie Show” to reveal her incredible seventy pound weight loss since giving birth to twins six months ago. The Daily Mail says:

Arriving in style, being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon, the songstress proudly showed off her figure in a skin-tight black mini skirt and a cleavage-baring leather jacket.

She went on to reveal that she has dropped an incredible 70lbs over recent months.

Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman.

She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 pounds… of just water. It was just water, initially. But when I started with the program, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost.’

‘The diet is 90 percent of it,’ she told Rosie.

Hang on… I’m sorry, but since when has “being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon” been considered the height of “arriving in style?” She looks like a suckling pig on a platter.

I know I just hurt you guys where it counts with those Amy Winehouse upskirt pictures, but since today’s news consists almost solely of things either depressing or disgusting, I figured we’d kinda switch tactics for a minute.  Before you start bitching at me about how you don’t give a shit about heartwarming animal rescue stories accompanied by funny sci-fi looking Reptilian Terminator photos, allow me to list for you the alternative news items from which we currently have to choose:

1. Rosie O’Donnell going to dinner with some other ladies, her mouth hanging wide open in every single photo
2. Vin Diesel’s fat head hulking around at the Fast & Furious premiere and a story about how he got dropped by his publicist because he is such a little bitch
3. Orlando Bloom stumbling out of the Cuckoo Club at 3:30am with “Boy Worth” written on his hand and his subsequent back-and-forth shenanigans in a taxi as he decides whether he will drunkenly attempt to operate a motorcycle

I will graciously accept your pre-emptive apologies, as well as your thanks in advance.  Moving on, let’s discuss the delightful Robocroc, shall we?  This poor guy was crushed by a car, and his shattered skull has been cobbled back together using four metal plates and 41 screws.  He’s been recovering at Miami Metro Zoo, and he just opened his mouth for the first time in three months.  Go tell your cubefarm neighbour this story, and you should never again have to listen to them piss and moan about the degree to which they suffer when Starbucks is out of sugar free hazelnut syrup.