Mustachioed behemoth Rosie O’Donnell was on the Today Show this week as part of the Today’s Professionals segment, and comments that she made about Lindsay Lohan’s downward spiral and Lifetime’s mistake casting her as Elizabeth Taylor in their new movie “Liz & Dick” had people so fired up that the Today Show brought her back today to defend her stance — namely that Lindsay Lohan is a fucking trainwreck caught in the dregs of addiction who hasn’t had a decent movie out “Mean Girls” opened 96 months ago. USA Today says:

Rosie stuck to her opinion about Lohan, recalling her as a “beautiful, talented little kid,” when she was doing Parent Trap. And then, “We’ve all seen what’s happened in the last decade and it’s tragic.”

“Listen, I’m 50 years old, and watching Whitney Houston’s funeral I remember thinking why didn’t more people say what they knew. We all knew. When she would not show up to do this show, not show up to my show. We watched Being Bobby Brown. It was like watching Sid and Nancy. They were people in the throes of addiction. But all we cared about was the ratings, not that this talented individual, this human being, this mother, this daughter, was worth saving and pulling out of the money market industry and I know only someone can be in control of their own sobriety, but to look at Lindsay Lohan you cannot help but feel for her. I do not think she’s untalented. I think she’s quite talented.”

And what does Lindsay think about Rosie’s completely factual and accurate statements about the current state of her career? See if you can guess:

Lohan isn’t too worried about Rosie’s rant. “I know that I’m great,” she told Access Hollywood. “I know Liz Taylor really well and we shared some makeup artists … same hairstylist. We’ve worked with a lot of the same people.”

With such a profound personal connection — makeup AND hair stylists! — they’re practically the same person. Except, you know, Elizabeth Taylor has two Academy Awards and a Screen Actors Guild’s Life Achievement Award, and all Lindsay has to show for the last six years is 10 Razzies and the herpes simplex virus. The same, only different.

Sonya’s in till Tuesday while I do some court-ordered drying out of my liver, but in the meantime, enjoy 90′s Victoria’s Secret model Stephanie Seymour in a see-through dress at the Tribeca Film Festival, because I’m a giver:

Mariah Carey made an appearance on Rosie O’Donnell’s soon-to-be-canceled “The Rosie Show” to reveal her incredible seventy pound weight loss since giving birth to twins six months ago. The Daily Mail says:

Arriving in style, being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon, the songstress proudly showed off her figure in a skin-tight black mini skirt and a cleavage-baring leather jacket.

She went on to reveal that she has dropped an incredible 70lbs over recent months.

Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman.

She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 pounds… of just water. It was just water, initially. But when I started with the program, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost.’

‘The diet is 90 percent of it,’ she told Rosie.

Hang on… I’m sorry, but since when has “being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon” been considered the height of “arriving in style?” She looks like a suckling pig on a platter.

I know I just hurt you guys where it counts with those Amy Winehouse upskirt pictures, but since today’s news consists almost solely of things either depressing or disgusting, I figured we’d kinda switch tactics for a minute.  Before you start bitching at me about how you don’t give a shit about heartwarming animal rescue stories accompanied by funny sci-fi looking Reptilian Terminator photos, allow me to list for you the alternative news items from which we currently have to choose:

1. Rosie O’Donnell going to dinner with some other ladies, her mouth hanging wide open in every single photo
2. Vin Diesel’s fat head hulking around at the Fast & Furious premiere and a story about how he got dropped by his publicist because he is such a little bitch
3. Orlando Bloom stumbling out of the Cuckoo Club at 3:30am with “Boy Worth” written on his hand and his subsequent back-and-forth shenanigans in a taxi as he decides whether he will drunkenly attempt to operate a motorcycle

I will graciously accept your pre-emptive apologies, as well as your thanks in advance.  Moving on, let’s discuss the delightful Robocroc, shall we?  This poor guy was crushed by a car, and his shattered skull has been cobbled back together using four metal plates and 41 screws.  He’s been recovering at Miami Metro Zoo, and he just opened his mouth for the first time in three months.  Go tell your cubefarm neighbour this story, and you should never again have to listen to them piss and moan about the degree to which they suffer when Starbucks is out of sugar free hazelnut syrup.