Paris Hilton’s reps are denying the heiress is pregnant after pictures of her with a protruding belly sparked baby rumors yesterday. London’s The Sun says

Many websites claimed Paris is sporting a mini baby bump underneath her floaty green dress. But the party girl’s representatives have been quick to deny she’s pregnant, insisting these claims are “completely false”.

Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way.