A year ago, Katy Perry refused to listen to anybody who told her not to marry Russell Brand or make him sign a prenup, because they were in love and a love like theirs lasts forever. Except it didn’t, and now he’s entitled to half of the $44 million she made in 2011. TMZ says:

Everything they earned during their 14-month marriage is community property — which means they’re each entitled to 50% of the pot — so Russell could have scored a fortune if he exercised his community property rights.

But as one source put it, “This divorce is as amicable as it gets… Russell doesn’t want Katy’s money. He’s happy to walk away with the money he earned — which is far less than what Katy raked in.”

Well, I’ll be damned. I figured he would milk that dumb broad for all she’s worth. I wouldn’t have guessed there was a noble bone in Russell Brand’s body, unless “noble bone” was just one of those coy British euphemism meaning “erection.”

Even though she’s nominated for a total of seven awards, Katy Perry won’t be at Wednesday’s People’s Choice Awards. Radar Online says:

“Unfortunately I will not be able to attend the People’s Choice Awards. I want to thank u all for voting for me, fingers crossed! #KATYCATS,” the Firework singer tweeted Monday.

[Adding], ‘”Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Some are speculating that the above pic of soon-to-be ex-husband Russell Brand making a big show of removing his wedding band may have sparked her decision not to attend the People’s Choice Awards, while others speculate she won’t be attending because it’s the fucking People’s Choice Awards. Jesus. Even the Grammys mean more than they do.

In addition to telling Katy Perry that she wasn’t funny on SNL, Russell Brand also mocked her parents for their faith. Because, you know, I’m sure there were no signs before they got married that there might be an issue there. Going into a marriage with your eyes open is so overrated. Says Digital Spy,

Katy Perry reportedly begun to reconsider her marriage to Russell Brand after he mocked her deeply religious parents.

The ‘Teenage Dream’ singer separated from Brand in late December after a 14-month union.

It has since been alleged that the controversial comedian caused upset by failing to rein himself in around pastors Keith and Mary Hudson.

“Russ was forever making lewd jokes at the dinner table and poking fun at her parents’ beliefs,” a friend told The Sun. “He managed to restrain himself in the beginning – just.

“But as the marriage progressed, he got worse and kept winding up her family. After the lust wore off, reality hit home about their differences and [Katy] was left thinking, ‘What have I done?’”

Perry reportedly asked Brand to file for divorce so she would not upset her devout parents.

The Hudsons recently urged Perry’s fans to find a relationship with God, stating that they were “worshipping and loving the wrong person”.

Because rising to fame on the power of your bouncing tits and sexually provocative image is totally in line with their Christian faith. In Katy Perry’s version of things, Jesus was tossing shekels at the harlots he hung out with and bar crawling with the 12 disciples.

Happier times at her birthday party in November:

Besides the accusations of wheelchair porn and sex addiction, “insiders” close to Katy Perry claim that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Russell Brand was often less than supportive of her career. Us Magazine says:

When the singer guest-hosted Saturday Night Live, the British comic turned down Perry’s plea to perform in a skit with him.

“He told her that she wasn’t that funny,” an insider says of Perry’s skits parodying Pippa Middleton, Christina Aguilera and others. “That really hurt.”

Good for him. She wasn’t funny. God knows it needed saying. The only reason anyone even tolerated any of her shitty skits was for the tits, so she should shut her mouth and get back in her cage and dance like the metaphorical street monkey she is. Shock and titillate me, woman! I’ve got American dollars!

Promoting her new fragrance Meow — I know, I’m embarrassed for her:

Well, I totally didn’t see this coming. Russell Brand and Katy Perry are calling it quits after a little more than one year together. Granted, in Hollywood years, that’s like the equivalent to at least 5. Says TMZ,

Russell Brand has filed for divorce from Katy Perry … TMZ has learned.

In the docs, filed in L.A., Brand cites “irreconcilable differences.” The two were married Oct. 23, 2010 in India. They have no kids.

The divorce docs say there are “community property assets” — it’s a sign there might not be a prenup, or if there is one it doesn’t cover all of the earnings and other assets they accumulated.

The docs do not give a date the couple separated.

Russell has released a statement, claiming, “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.”

Russell proposed to Katy in India on New Year’s Eve 2009 — nearly two years ago … to the day.

Sources had told TMZ the couple was having problems, evidenced by the fact that they spent Christmas apart and neither was wearing a wedding ring.

Although it’s not 100%, based on what we now know it appears Brand may have blindsided Perry by filing the divorce petition.

Russell appeared on “Ellen” just this month, slamming divorce rumors — claiming, “I’m really happily married … I’m married to Katy. Perpetually, until death do us part was the pledge. I’m still alive.”

So judging from what he said, Russell Brand is now a walker, and the zombie apocalypse is upon us. That’s okay, I’ve been stockpiling rations and guns in my mom’s basement for the past 5 years. I’m good to go.

Kate Moss looking a lot better than she has in a long time:

Katy Perry and Russell Brand were married in an elephant-laden Hindu ceremony near a nature reserve in India on Saturday. The New York Daily News says:

The nuptials featured an over-the-top procession of 21 camels, elephants and horses, plus dancers and musicians.

A Hindu priest officiated the celebrity wedding in front of family and close friends at the Aman-e-Khas resort near a wild tiger preserve in northwestern India.

The 25-year-old singer wore a sari and had henna designs painted on her hands as part of the six-day celebration. Trees inside the resort were decorated with white and gold lights, and tents were adorned with flower garlands.

Well, it’s all fun and games until someone steps in an elephant patty. Or until armed guards have to beat the shit out of a six hundred pound tiger fifty feet from the terrified guests running and screaming for their lives. The Daily Mail says:

Russell Brand and Katy Perry spent their first night as man and wife surrounded by armed guards after a man-eating tiger gatecrashed their Indian jungle wedding.

The male predator, which has killed three people in the past two years, scaled two walls at the wedding venue after being attracted by the noise and lights at the [$625,000] event.

It was finally beaten away by guards as it tried to jump a third wall just 50ft from the newlyweds and their 85 guests.

But once the big cat was beaten unconscious, the fun and extravagance resumed as if nothing had happened, thanks largely in part to all the alcohol and designer drugs you know were on hand at the ceremony. And then it was present time! The Daily Mail adds:

Brand spent thousands buying a female Bengal tiger [as a wedding gift for Perry]. Russell was also said to have given Katy a ruby which is said to possess ‘protective powers’, while Katy decided to give her man a baby elephant as a love token.

Good thing they already told me what Russell got her! I was this close to buying Katy a tiger and a raw ruby with magical powers. Believe you me, it’s not as easy to exchange tigers and uncut gemstones as you would think. The Kokang Chinese in Myanmar don’t really do “returns.”

Blurry far-away post-wedding pictures:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

The last time I saw a body like that, it was hanging on a cross. Absolutely no disrespect intended, but that’s how most artists like to depict Christ. All long-torsoed and bony, although I’d expect Russell Brand to be sporting a pair of horns and cloven hooves rather than a halo.   He’s always given me the heebs. I have no idea how he’s been so popular with the ladies (fame does wonders for you, I guess). His peen must have a fully functioning colony living on it by now.  Katy Perry can have him. I wouldn’t touch him with Lady Gaga’s dick.

On the set in NYC on the set of Arthur:

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are all set to be divorced married by the end of the year, and what better testament to the their undying love than matching tattoos three inches from their respective armpits. The Daily Mail says:

Singer Katy revealed her Sanskrit inking as she performed at the launch of the Volkswagen 2011 Jetta yesterday.

It was in an identical position – the inside of her right arm – to Russell’s, which he showed off on the front cover of this month’s Rolling Stone.

Both their tattoos read Anuugacchati Pravaha, meaning Go With The Flow.

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned after three years of doing this job, it’s that Hollywood love is forever, so getting matching tattoos is a great idea. Just ask Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards if you don’t believe me. Or you could ask Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton. Or Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Or Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder, or Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, or Nick Carter and Paris Hilton, or Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr, or Halle Berry and Dave Justice, or Jude Law and Sadie Frost, or Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, or Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora. I’m sure they’d tell you the same thing.

Hey, remember those screen caps from “California Gurls” where Katy was naked but you couldn’t see anything? Well, now the caps are bigger, meaning you still can’t see anything — but now you can’t see anything in high-def. No charge for awesomeness!:

Katy Perry is known for wearing kooky dresses (see the eyeball dress), so you wouldn’t expect her to have a run-of-the-mill wedding dress, now would you? You’d be right. Digital Spy says,

Katy Perry has reportedly designed a wedding gown specifically to show off her toned stomach.

The singer is believed to have opted for a two-piece attire for when she ties the knot with fiancé Russell Brand. She apparently collaborated with designers Pnina Tornai and Monique Lhuillier to create her ideal outfit.

“She knows her toned torso is her best feature, so she wants to show it off,” a source told Heat. “She’s also more than aware that her wedding photos will be seen the world over, so she knows her look needs to stand out.

“From the back, she wants to look like a traditional bride, with a very long train, but from the front, she wants a Vegas-style sequinned number with exposed skin.”

The insider went on to say that the pair are still to confirm an official date for the ceremony.

“Katy just wants to be married already,” added the source. “She’s angling for an over-the-top elopement in Las Vegas. Russell wants to fly everyone some place exotic, either a Gothic castle or a destination with an Arabian feel.”

Wow. This sounds like the backwards version of a mullet–party up front, business in the back? What else about this reminds me of the 80′s? Let’s see, it must be the “Vegas-style sequined number with exposed skin”. Now all they need is Ed McMahon to officiate and some snazzy synth music and it’ll be Star Search all over again.

At LAX, being held captive by the Wolfman:

In news which should please Hello Kitty fetishists everywhere, Katy Perry might be hinting that she’s pregnant with Russell Brand’s baby.  From People:

Either we’re reading too much between the Tweets, or the 25-year-old “Kiss the Girl” singer is sprinkling clues she’s having a baby with new fiancé Russell Brand.

It started with her Jan. 1 message: “Let me tell you 2010 is BUMPIN!” Then on Friday, Perry wrote, “Hey @rustyrockets” – Brand’s Twitter name – “i heard ur prego-ed.” She adds, “I WANT IN AND OUT,” a Southern California hamburger chain, before telling Brand, “I love you … (awwwww barf!).”

Bump, prego, cravings, barf? It was all very cryptic, but then it was only a few days ago that Perry made oblique song lyric references on Twitter – before Brand came out and confirmed they were engaged on New Year’s Eve.

I’m sure we all agree that the idea of Katy Perry and Russell Brand procreating is a terrifying thing, but what we need to remember is that Katy Perry is a retarded attention whore.  A few dumb Tweets from her is nothing to panic over.  Although… keep in mind, their kids will look like this:

On second thought, I’m scared.  Someone hold me.

They say opposites attract, so I’m guessing “obnoxious” and “disgusting” must somehow be opposites, because Katy Perry and Russell Brand are engaged.  From Us:

The wacky pair — who’ve been dating since September 2009 — became betrothed five days ago while on holiday in Jaipur, India. A pal says that Brand, 34, proposed with a ring, and that Perry, 25, happily accepted.

On Twitter Dec. 29, the pop singer shared a sweet snapshot of her and the British comedian in front of India’s famed Taj Mahal. “He built this for me,” she wrote beneath the photo.

The exotic trip, a Perry insider tells Us, “was his Christmas gift.  She told him how much she loved Indian culture while they were eating curry in England, so he surprised her.”

At November’s MTV Europe Music Awards, Perry paid tribute to Brand via her on-stage underpants, emblazoned with his nickname, “Rusty.”

Well, that’s nice.  Maybe for the wedding, Katy Perry can wear a Hello Kitty helmet, a cone bra and an edible cupcake skirt with “Rusty” written all over it in coloured frosting.  You know, something subtle and tasteful, as is her wont.  I bet their kids are gonna look like this:

Katy Perry is all in a tizzy because someone dared to suggest that she may have been getting cozy with Twilight star Robert Pattinson. Says NineMSN,

The wide-eyed popette was outraged to hear rumours she had been “flirting outrageously” with Twilight’s Robert Pattinson at an LA karaoke bar, after which she apparently left with him in the same car.

“Read a bunch of yesterdays news – B**LOCKS,” she Twittered.

“Ppl should know by now that I don’t do vampires, but I do DO @rustyrockets [Brand's Twitter username]. Don’t get it TWISTED!”

Now, I’m no squealing fan of Robert Pattinson, but I’d take it as a step up to be associated with him rather than oily-looking, hairy, looks-like-a-cult-leader Russell Brand. Plus the fact that he’s put his slimy sausage into every available orifice that he’s run across. He’s probably breeding his own special Brand of an STD. Brand-get it? Ha ha. I amuse myself greatly.