Jessica Simpson told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that she never felt more in touch with her body and her sexuality than now when pushing two hundred pounds and constantly farting. Lucky guy, that Eric Johnson. Us Magazine says:

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,’” the sassy Texan said. “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!”

Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.”

The fashion mogul also explained her decision to go nude for the April cover of ELLE magazine. “They didn’t even ask me to do that,” she said. “It was my idea… I’m like 170 pounds and I wanted to pose nude. It’s funny to be at your heaviest and feel the most confident… I just love my body more than ever now.”

Bullshit. I’ve been pregnant. At eight and a half months, you don’t “love your body more than ever.” You fucking hate it. By then the roundness has long since stopped being cute and instead your belly is distended to almost horror-movie proportions, criss-crossed with angry red stretch marks and bulging veins and linea negras and the occasional blob of Rocky Road ice cream that missed your mouth because you were shoveling it in with a serving spoon directly out of the carton. Anybody who claims otherwise is a damn liar.

After being initially banned from attending the Oscars in his “Dictator” persona, Sacha Baron Cohen was given the go-ahead to arrive in full General Aladeen regalia late last week. I guess the head honchos at the Oscars figured their boring-ass show could use all the help it could get.  The “fun” started when he made his way over to Ryan Seacrest. Says Detroit Free Press,

Sacha Baron Cohen did exactly what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences initially didn’t want him to — he showed up on the Oscar red carpet as the character in his upcoming movie, The Dictator, flanked by military assistants bearing flowers.

He stopped to talk to E!’s Ryan Seacrest, who asked, of course, “Who are you wearing?”

“I’m wearing John Galliano,” said Aladeen, “but the socks are from Kmart! As Saddam Hussein once said to me, socks are socks, don’t waste money.”

“I love it here because it gave me an opportunity to bring my dear friend and tennis partner, Kim Jong-il,” he said showing a gold urn with an image of the North Korean leader who died in December. “It was my dream to come to the Oscars and be sprinkled over the red carpet and Halle Berry’s chest.”

He then pretended to look at the bottom of the urn, saying it was from South Korea, and spilled the ashes all over Seacrest’s dapper Burberry tuxedo! Whoa!

“Now when people ask who you are wearing, you will say Kim Jong-il!” the general told Seacrest, as security guards seemed to pull him down the red carpet.

I don’t know what’s more predictable: that Sacha Baron Cohen acted like an idiot, or that Ryan Seacrest got a load dumped on him.

Watch the encounter below:

Ghandi, Jesus, the Dalai Lama–all good people to want to emulate. But if you happen to be Spencer Pratt, you set your sights a bit lower. I mean, a lot lower. Try Ryan fucking Seacrest low. Says Digital Spy,

Spencer Pratt has requested a radio internship with Ryan Seacrest.

According to US Weekly, the former Hills star contacted Seacrest’s talent booker Amy Sugarman earlier this week asking for five weeks of work experience with the American Idol host.

“I’m trying to change my image and make myself more likable,” he wrote.

The 27-year-old then called into Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show on Thursday to elaborate on the request, explaining: “How do you go from being hated to even a little bit likable? It’s about who you’re around.

“I’ve learned you need to be around likable people to even start to be likable. Who’s the most likable person in America, if not the world? That would be Ryan Seacrest.”

You know what? I like his theory. It’s totally true. My dog had really bad diarrhea and took a gigantic dump in my fully blooming bed of roses. The smell of the roses was so powerful, I only threw up a little when I accidentally came practically face-to-face with it while pulling weeds. Although in metaphorical terms, I wouldn’t consider Ryan Seacrest to be of “rose” caliber. More like, common backyard weed that happens to have a slightly attractive flower. A really gay flower, that is.

From one attention whore to another, here’s Rosa Blasi, who is doing a really bad job of looking casual while posing:

Kim Kardashian given license to record a “song” must be a sign of the Apocalypse. I think her new single might even be the theme music the Four Horsemen ride in on. Star Magazine says,

The 30-year-old star of Kourtney & Kim Take New York visited Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning with her costar sister to premiere her new song, “Jam (Turn It Up).”

“OMG about to debut my new song JAM on @RyanSeacrest!” Kim tweeted from the studio. “The song will go up on itunes, proceeds going to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital.”

Chatting with Ryan, Kim said she was anxious about her new career endeavor. “I think it’s only normal for me to be nervous — I’m human,” she said. “I’ve never sang before. This was definitely something that I don’t do.”

After listening to the song, Ryan was impressed, calling it “fun” and saying, “I want to be in a convertible with that cranked up right now.”

Kourt showered her sis with praises too, tweeting: “turn me up turn me up dj dj turn me up…yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! @kimkardashian new song makes we want to dance the night away…away!”

It’s really interesting that the cadence of “turn me up turn me up dj dj turn me up” syncopates perfectly with the pounding headache I suddenly got while listening to this shit. Coincidence? I think not!

At the Elton John AIDS Foundation Oscar after-party:

It appears the folks behind the “Digital Death” celebrity campaign to raise money for AIDS in Africa grossly overestimated the value of Kim Kardashian’s tweets. Yahoo says:

The campaign states: “The world’s top celebrities — [including Ryan Seacrest, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, and Justin Timberlake] — are sacrificing their digital lives to give real life to millions of people affected by HIV/AIDS in Africa and India. That means no more Twitter or Facebook updates from any of them. No more knowing where they are, what they had for dinner, or what interesting things are happening in their lives. From here on out, they’re dead. Kaput. Finished.”

The organizers promised that when fans donate more than $1,000,000, “everyone will be back online and tweeting in no time,” [but] as of 7:30 p.m. EST Thursday, only $180,950 had been donated — meaning unless [Kardashian's] fans come up with $819,000, [she] and the rest of the “dead” celebrities won’t be tweeting for the foreseeable future.

Is not knowing in 140 characters or less what Kim Kardashian ate for dinner supposed to be some kind of threat? Please. Why don’t you try to scare off Britney Spears with a bucket of fried chicken and cigarettes while you’re at it. That ought to be just as effective.

American Idol constestant Emily Wynne-Hughes, pictured above with fellow Go Betty Go bandmates and her flounder-esque ass, is the proud owner of an alcohol monitoring bracelet stemming from a DUI conviction last year. According to TMZ

Turns out Emily — the same tattooed chick who can’t seem to keep her pants on — has been ordered to wear a SCRAM bracelet.

The whole thing is over an arrest back in July, where cops busted her for allegedly driving drunk in West Hollywood. Emily copped a plea to a lesser charge of reckless driving. In addition to the bracelet, Emily was placed on 3 years probation.

It looks like we’ve got another Jessica Sierra on our hands! Not literally, of course. There’s not enough Clorox the world over to get that kind of stank off your mitts. You’d be better off lopping ‘em off and burning them in a turpentine fire.

BONUS: Video of Ryan Seacrest trying to high five the blind guy (Scott McIntyre):

Look, I tried. I really did. I wanted to make it a whole day without another fucking Britney Spears post, but unfortunately, the fates aren’t on my side today. This time she went shopping in torn fishnets — without underpants — at two in the morning and again with the fake British accent (you can listen for yourself after the jump). Us Weekly gives us a recap of the evening:

Photographers began shouting questions [as she left Ralph's supermarket around midnight].

Q: Britney, what do you want to say to Adnan on TV?
B: (Thinks for a second) “I think he’s a nice person.”
Q: What was the result of your pregnancy test?
B: “I never had a pregnancy test.”
Q: Britney, what are you going to do now? Go to college?
B: (sighing) “Oh, I wish I was in college.”
Q: “Britney, you don’t like black guys?
B: “Yeah, I like black guys.”

At 2 a.m., Spears, Lutfi and another pal hit L.A.’s Kitson’s Men’s store… [which] was opened just for them. Spears came out wearing a men’s pin-striped shirt and black skinny tie, her hair in a messy bun.

Minus pants. Us Weekly left that part out. Also minus underpants. But then BFF of two months Sam Lufti gave Ryan Seacrest his version of it this morning, and of course it all made sense:

When asked if the late night spree at L.A.’s Kitson was “retail therapy,” Lutfi said, “that was pretty much what it was.”

What prompted the late night rendezvous?

“Boredom.”

And those photos of Spears shopping for pregnancy tests with paparazzo beau Adnan Ghalib?

“I don’t even know what the hell that was. I don’t know if they even bought one… I think it was probably for Chad.” (Chad Hardcastle is Lutfi’s friend who accompanied them Wednesday.)

Does Spears want another kid?

“No, no, no, no, no, no. No, not at all.”

As for reports Spears wants to marry Ghalib:

“That’s not true.”

At another point during the interview, Lutfi enters Spears’ room as she prepares to shower (she showers?) and she bleats

“Get out! I’m naked. Get out! I stink, ’cause I’m a human being. Shut the door, I’m nasty!”

There’s nothing left for me here. God bless. You could give a African silver back a car and a credit card and turn it loose in L.A. and its night would have only been half as chaotic and bizarre as Britney’s. A gorilla wouldn’t try on a foreign accent when flashbulbs started going off in its face or change outfits twice in one evening after an 100 mile-an-hour car chase. It’d just start bashing nearby vehicles and screeching and scaling buildings, maybe hurl the occasional handful of feces at a pap that got too close. Even a simian has its dignity, you know. That’s why you won’t find any monkeys in Steven Seagal movies.

Listen to the whole interview here.

The boredom-fueled, panty-free two a.m. shopping spree:

(more…)

Britney Spears chatted with Ryan Seacrest yesterday to promote her latest album’s release, and by “chat” I mean “blather indiscriminately and occasionally lose consciousness.” It was a riveting interview, captured in excruciating detail for you by the NY Daily News:

“People say what they want and do what they do,” the singer said Wednesday on Seacrest’s KIIS-FM morning show.“It’s sad how people, how cruel our world can be,” she said. “But at the end of the day you gotta to know in your heart that you are doing the best that you can.”

On her kids:

When Seacrest asked Spears how often she gets to see her kids, she answered, “That’s all in the courts. My lawyers know all that stuff.”

(For the record, Brit gets two visits and one overnight with the boys each week, and a monitor must be present.)

Seacrest asked helpfully if Spears is doing her best with her children. “Oh God, yeah, yeah,” she answered.

On her new album:

Asked which track was most meaningful to her, Spears said, “I really like ‘Heaven on Earth.’ It think it’s a cool track.” She said she did nothing special to celebrate the album’s release. The big day “was kind of laid-back, really,” she said, adding, “We watched movies” (she couldn’t remember which movies) and “we had fried chicken.”

Her love life (specifically, the guy she was seen giving lapdances at Les Deux Friday night):

Asked if she was romantically involved with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Brit asked, “Who?”

You could listen to the whole interview here, or you could just bash yourself in the face with a frying pan a couple of times and put on the Teletubbies. It’ll make just as much sense and your head won’t hurt as much afterwards.

Britney classin’ it up in the bartender’s outfit from yesterday: