France’s centuries-old tradition of The Legion of Honors dates back to Napoleon, but it’s been deemed a joke after French President Nicolas Sarkozy knghted both Salma Hayek and her father-in-law by way of being very good personal friends with her tycoon husband. The Daily Mail says:

President Nicolas Sarkozy announced that she will become a Chevalier – or Knight – of the Legion of Honour for her services to the French Republic.

It is not yet clear what those services are.

Ms Hayek is currently promoting Puss in Boots, a film in which she provides the voice for a character called Kitty Softpaws.

[Former minister and member of Mr Sarkozy's ruling UMP party] Henri Torre turned down a Legion of Honour, saying: ‘Too many people were nominated who do not deserve to me honored’, adding that the awards had ‘lost their value’.

Please. Those awards didn’t lose their value because they they were given to a second-rate Mexican actress who happened to marry up. Those awards lost their value because they’re fucking French. It’d be like if they gave out Purple Hearts every time you ran off a battlefield clutching both asscheeks and crying. Totally worthless.

Salma Hayek and her husband at “FRIMOUSSES DES CREATEURS” doll sale for Unicef last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Photos of Angelina Jolie boarding her private plane looking like a damn corpse have sparked new concerns that the actress is suffering from an eating disorder. She’s barely a hundred pounds soaking wet and she’s five fucking eight. Of course the bitch has an eating disorder. Jesus. Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills The Daily Mail says:

According to Grazia magazine, Angelina survives on as little as 600 calories a day.

“Angelina has been known to start her day with little more than a spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal,” a source told Grazia last week.

“Sometimes she’ll skip lunch altogether or will just grab a few almonds and some gummy bears while she’s on the go, or will have a protein-based shake.

A lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far… everyone has been begging her to eat more, but unfortunately she just doesn’t seem to be putting on any more weight.”

Angelina Jolie was so stunningly beautiful back in her Lara Croft heyday, and now she looks like something that should be haunting a lake. She’s all sinew and bone. Shaking hands with her would be like shaking hands with a damn eagle.

And now for someone who clearly ISN’T anorexic, the lovely Salma Hayek at the “Puss ‘n Boots” photocall in Rome:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

God. Damn. Salma. Hayek. That is all.

Arriving at Letterman (row 1) and on the red carpet at the Puss in Boots premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I can’t find a thing wrong with Salma Hayek’s magnificent rack on the cover of the September issue of Allure magazine, but she claims her girls are now past their prime. The Daily Mail says:

When [Allure] asked Salma whether any part of her body looked better ten years ago, the surprise response was: ‘My boobs’.

The Oscar nominated Mexican film actress, 44, added: ‘They’re not bad, by the way. I’m not complaining about them.’

I would usually say something snarky here, but my bitter tears appear to be shorting out the keyboard. Ungrateful bitch.

It was revealed last month that Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband Francois Henri-Pinault was the mystery father of 90′s supermodel Linda Evangelista’s bastard child, and before you clutch your pearls and gasp with disbelief, you should know that little Augustin was not the product of an affair — he was conceived back in 2006 while Henri-Pinault and Salma were on a break. Long story short, Linda Evangelista is now demanding $46,000 a month in child support from her baby daddy. Us Magazine says:

Evangelista, 46, arrived at Manhattan family court on Monday to argue her case; Support Magistrate Matthew Troy called the request “the largest support order in the history of the Family Court.”

Evangelista’s lawyer argued that monthly sum — totaling $552,000 a year — would cover costs for round-the-clock nannies, drivers and security detail to keep little Augustin well-adjusted and safe.

Half a million dollars a year? I think that’s a bit much. I’m a mother, and I know firsthand that all you really need to keep a child “well-adjusted” and “safe” is a monthly WIC check, a Play Station 3, and the Cartoon Network. It’s up to the public school system to do the rest.

Linda Evangelista + the greatest supermodels of the 90′s — Helena Christensen, Claudia Schiffer, Eva Herzigova, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington, and Stephanie Seymour — in GQ Russia earlier this year:

Chi chics extraordinarias Salma Hayek admits to having been an illegal immigrant in the January issue of Spanish V Magazine. ¡Que ridículo! The Daily Mail says:

The actress, now considered one of the most influential Latino stars in Hollywood, admitted she was classed as an illegal for a ‘small period of time’.

The Mexican born star did not reveal at what age she was illegal or any other details.

The actress, who is now a naturalized [sic] U.S. citizen, also said she suffered from racial discrimination as she tried to build her career.

The moral of this tale is: if you’re going to come into this country illegally, you better damn well make sure your boobs are huge. I’m talking C cups at least. Anything else is un-American!

Withe her billionaire husband last month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

It’s going to be a glorious day. How do I know? Well, thanks to my recent breakfast regimen of Colon Blow, I am finally regular after binging on Polish sausage and deep-fried Twinkies, I’ve been able to continue to steal bandwidth from my cardboard box house outside my neighbor’s house, and Salma Hayek’s boobs are as massively spectacular as ever. That, to me, dear friends, is a pretty damn good day.

Leaving Madeo’s in West Hollywood last night:

I can think of two reasons you might go see “Grown Ups,” and it’s not because you missed the early nineties cast of SNL or because “MacGruber” or “Sex and the City 2″ were your only other choices. It’s Salma Hayek’s mastery of the English language and Adam Sandler’s superb acting range. No, no — I’m totally kidding. It’s boobs. I just didn’t want you to go thinking really hard and hurt yourself again.

Salma on the red carpet of Grown Ups last night; in leather on Jimmy Fallon earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

Here is Salma Hayek at the Gucci/Vanity Fair Cannes Party, which I think was just an excuse to invite her and her funbags out for some ogling time. Seriously, those are some pretty spectacular orbs. It makes me want to go Gucci, Gucci, Gucci! while pinching them like big fat baby cheeks.

The Times is reporting that Salma Hayek allegedly married on Saturday in Paris:

Mexican-born actress Salma Hayek has married French businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, reports the online edition of the weekly Le Point reported.

According to the report, the 42-year old Hayek, who is a naturalised US citizen, and Pinault, 46, were married on Valentines Day in the city hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris.

The news, if confirmed, comes as something of a surprise, because the star of the films Frida and Bandidas and Pinault had announced the end of their engagement in July last year.

On September 21, 2007, while engaged to Pinault, Hayek gave birth to her first child, Valentina Paloma Pinault, in Los Angeles.

Pinault is CEO of the luxury giant PPR and the son of one of France’s richest men, Francois Pinault, whose fortune has been estimated at $16.9 billion by the 2008 Forbes List of Billionaires. He also owns the publication Le Point, which broke the story

I’d love to get video footage of those two fighting. You’d have Salma shrieking away in Spanish, possibly throwing bric-a-brac at Pinault’s follicly-challenged head, and him cursing at her in French, hand on hip and gesticulating into the air with the other hand.
Now, if love can’t conquer all the turmoil their relationship has been through, then there’s two things that has been proven time and time again to do the trick: a fabulous rack and big bucks! Viva la romance!

Looking like a naughty schoolmarm at the ‘One Pack = One Vaccine’ campaign:

Actress Salma Hayek gave not only of her time and her money on a recent mission trip to Afrcia — she also gave of her breasts. Yep, you read that right. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. According to USA Today

“[There was this] baby [that] was perfectly healthy, but the mother didn’t have milk. He was very hungry. I was weaning Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk that I was pumping, so I breast-fed the baby. You should have seen his eyes. When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying.”

That little trick doesn’t just work with babies, you know. It works with men, too. Whenever they start whinin’ and bitchin’ about something ridiculous, just pop a titty¹ out and shove it in their stupid face until they stop making noise. It usually takes about two or three minutes, depending on their lung capacity, and it helps to have already taped his hands to the couch. And you also have to make sure your areola is covering both the nostrils and the mouth hole, or it won’t work. You know you’re golden when the feet stop twitching. Presto! Now the bastard will never bother you again. We could all learn a lesson in kindness from Salma Hayek.

¹_{Those of you with anything less than a C cup might wanna stick with an iron skillet and a bag of arsenic.}

At the National Board of Review last month:

I don’t even know what the CNN Heroes All-Star Tribute is, but I guess it happened or something.  I could look it up, but I hate CNN and have boycotted them since they fired Chez Pazienza, so I refuse to even go to their site to find out.  Besides, I don’t need to, because what matters here is Salma Hayek and her magnificent rack.  Her dress is meh, but her chest is mind-boggling.  Jessica Biel and Eliza Dushku were also there, and they both looked hot as hell.  Jessica’s dress is weird.  I think I like it.  The bodice is a really unusual colour that would probably look like neon snot on most people, but it looks great on her.  I also love everything that is going on with Eliza Dushku.

Salma Hayek:

Jessica Biel:

Eliza Dushku: