That stalker that’s been leaving Lindsay Lohan threatening text messages and voicemails is none other than Britney Spears’ puppetmaster Sam Lutfi. TMZ says:

You’ll recall Lutfi was Britney’s sole confidant just before she was placed on a 5150 psychiatric hold. Britney’s family believed Lutfi was plying Brit with drugs and taking her down a path of destruction. Britney’s conservators eventually obtained a restraining order against Lutfi.

We’ve learned Lutfi has been in close contact recently with none other than Michael Lohan. In at least one text Lutfi sent to Lindsay, he falsely identifies himself as “Mike from TMZ” and warns her to distance herself from Dina Lohan. The phone number on the text goes right back to Lutfi.

TMZ spoke with Lutfi, who claims he didn’t send the messages. He claims the people who rep Lindsay also repped Britney and they’re out to get him. Lutfi claims Lindsay has called him in the past, though sources connected with Lindsay say she doesn’t know Lutfi at all.

Lutfi’s like the lion that sits back and waits for the weakest gazelle to come limping its way out of rehab. It’s the sort of cold and calculated predatory response you usually only see with large credit card companies. I hear they can actually smell vulnerability the way canines can sniff out another dog in heat.

There was yet another hearing in the Britney Spears restraining order case against Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib yesterday, during which Britney’s father Jamie testified that she had somehow obtained a pre-paid cell phone without his knowledge to contact the two men in secret. You might remember Sam and Adnan from such hits as “I’m poisoning your food with psychotropic drugs” and “Let’s make a sex tape.” Really, why wouldn’t she be calling them? According to TMZ

The nanny heard Britney talking to Sam and Adnan on the pre-paid phone in the wee hours of the morning one day. It appears Jamie believes Sam and Adnan got her the phone in an attempt to poison her against Jamie and to torpedo the conservatorship.

If Sam did have any contact with Britney, he would have violated a court order to stay the hell away from her. Jamie is trying to make the temporary restraining order against the dynamic duo permanent.

Oooh, somebody’s in trouuuble! Britney’s totally gonna be on phone restriction now. Toss in a chin full of cystic acne and some day-glo sportswear and it’s practically my sixth grade summer all over again. Except, you know, she’s pushing 30, and I was just learning about that special change that was going to make my body a woman. Good times.

Her new “comeback” wax figure at Madame Tussad’s:

It’s official — Britney’s out of the hospital! According to TMZ

Britney Spears has been released from the psychiatric ward at UCLA Medical Center. A law enforcement source [says] the hospital let her go “because she was no longer required to stay there after 11:30 AM.” We have not confirmed this independently, however, if the hospital decides Britney is no longer a danger to herself or others, the hospital loses its basis to hold her against her will.

That means the circus is back in town, boys and girls! Now we just wait for puppet master Sam Lutfi to show up and the show can begin. I have a hunch the sad clown, the dancing monkey and the enraged elephant on a homicidal rampage will all be Britney Spears!

Vintage Britney GQ photoshoot from 2003:

The details of the restraining order Lynne Spears filed against Sam Lutfi have been made public, and it’s worse than you could have expected. In an excerpt from the six-page declaration obtained by Us Weekly, Lynne makes the following claims:

Sam told Jackie [a family friend] and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills [Risperdon and Seroquel and] puts them in her food. He told me that if he weren’t in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself.

Sam then told Jackie and me that we needed to do whatever he tells us. He then told me, ‘I’m the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter. I sleep in cars outside her house so she can’t leave. If you don’t listen to me, I’m going to make your name shit in the papers.’

Although Britney has several cell phones, he told us that he had disposed of all the phone chargers and had made the house phones unworkable.

At another point in the evening, Sam bragged to me that he is the one who receives Britney’s checks.

Then he said to me, ‘If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.’

Adnan has told me… that Sam hides her dog, London. She looks for him all over the house, crying, and then Sam brings out the dog from the hiding place and acts like her savior.

This is some serious Machiavelli-meets-Charles-Manson type shit. Jesus. You usually only find guys that over-the-top evil in the silent films of the twenties. At least before the talkies they were easy to spot because they had capes and magic amulets and they always skulked about stroking their beards and looking sinister. You can’t exactly stroke a Brazilian chin wax. The best you can do is point at it and say, “The ball sacks go here” or “aim for the center of the strip with your boot.” He’d probably be better off sporting a turban instead.

Britney’s little sabbatical at UCLA’s psych ward has officially been extended a full fourteen days, leaving estranged father Jamie Spears in charge of her estate in the interim (Britney’s lawyers will be going to court again today to try to remove him as co-conservator). First on Daddy’s list? Obtaining a restraining order against “manager” Sam Lutfi. Mysteriously, hours before Sam was legally ordered out of Britney’s house, several of her valuables were stolen. According to Us Weekly

The Los Angeles Police Department was called to the Beverly Hills home of Britney Spears Friday after her parents discovered valuable possessions belonging to the singer were missing. Spears’ parents believe that the items were stolen after their daughter was taken to the UCLA Medical Center early Thursday morning.

A bank safe was among the valuables reported missing. The safe contained two cartons of Marlboro Lights, a Louis Vuitton suitcase full of sour cream and a partially-burned Hannah Montana wig and mike stand. Police suspect the culprit is Sam Lutfi, Sam Lutfi or Sam Lutfi, while Britney blames leprechauns and her mother for having slept with them. Further bulletins as events warrant.

More Britney Spears, because the power of Christ compels me:

Britney’s family is trying to cut all of her ties to Hollywood and her douchebag entourage, instructing her lawyers cease talking with Sam Lutfi and making plans to take her back home to Louisiana. I hate to break it to them, but there’s still plenty o’ meth in the great state of Louisiana! And if there’s one thing Britney likes, it’s her meth. According to the National Enquirer

Britney Spears had been on a 24-hour meth binge before she was rushed to the hospital. Ironically, she was desperately trying to stay awake — because she was terrified that if she fell asleep, her family would “drag her off to a mental institution,” according to a close source.

Additionally, TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears has been classified as “G.D.” by the staff at UCLA Medical Center. Now, G.D. doesn’t stand for “God Damn that girl is fucked up” or “Ugh, she Got Diarrhea all over the wall again” — it stands for “Gravely Disabled.”

[Being classified G.D.] means the patient is unable to take care of basic needs, such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter. Being G.D. is one of the criteria for involuntary commitment.

Several health care professionals tell us Britney has fallen into a “manic state” due to her bipolar disorder. She arrived at the hospital this morning at around 2:15 AM, but wasn’t admitted until 4:15 AM because she was causing such a scene. We’re told Britney screamed, “The only reason [my mother's] admitting me is because she wants to be alone with her boyfriend! She wants to sleep with my boyfriend!!” Britney never said exactly who she was talking about.

That would mean Britney honestly believes her mother wants to boink one of the following:

1. Adnan Ghalib

2. Kevin Federline

3. Sam Lutfi

The bitch is clearly delusional. There is nobody in the world except for Britney who would want their genitals within a five-mile radius of these losers. Seriously, I don’t even know where to start. You could ask somebody, “Hey, would you like to have sex with one of these guys, or could I interest you in expressing the anal glands of this pack of angry dogs?” That’s when I’d reach for the Vaseline and thank God for groin protectors and latex gloves.

Britney the night before the hospital, take 2:

This again. Sigh.

Last night, Britney’s new psychiatrist teamed up with her lawyers and “manager” Sam Lufti and phoned the cops as part of their plan to have Britney committed to UCLA Medical Center on a 5150¹ hold. Britney reportedly had not slept since last Saturday. TMZ says

Before the cops arrived, the shrink told her she was going back to the hospital and she offered no resistance. She said, “Is something wrong?” She made hot chocolate and waited. Her mom, Lynne, got extremely agitated, accusing Sam of engineering the impending commitment. We’re told Brit told her to “shut the hell up.” She demanded silence, sat on the floor and wrote notes to people who were there as they waited. When emergency personnel arrived, Brit went on the gurney without resistance.

There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

Sources tell us… the plan was for cops and paramedics to take Britney away the night before, but it was scrubbed. Last night, it all went down according to plan. And we’re told the plan was so intricate the FAA had cleared airspace in route to the hospital. Cops even used code to minimize craziness in transporting Britney. Over the police radio, she was referred to as “The Package.”

I’m told the cops went with “The Package” because “Beefcake,” “The S.S. Batshit” and “Boils McCrazyton” were just too obvious.

¹_{5150 is a section of California’s Welfare and Institutions Code which allows a qualified officer or clinician to involuntarily confine a person deemed a danger to himself, herself, and/or others for up to 72 hours from the time the declaration is written. Not to be confused 5150, the seventh album by Van Halen released in 1986 with Sammy Hagar on lead vocals.}

No pictures of her gurneyed up just yet, so enjoy this little video of her yesterday going apeshit on Sam in the middle of the road in her British accent.

After a fight with manager Sam “Napoleon” Lutfi left her visibly shaken Monday night, Britney spent Tuesday on a free-for-all shopping spree. First stop on the spending express? A CVS down in the valley. According to Page Six

Britney Spears had something else to cry about last night — her credit card was declined. At a drugstore in the San Fernando Valley, the singer’s Black American Express Card was shot down. Of course, the money trouble didn’t stop Brit from hitting up the Beverly Hills Hotel with Sam and mom Lynne before moving on to a Mercedes dealership.

Well, that’s because you can’t decline Benjamin Franklin, baby! Britney paid for her new SLK 350 Mercedes in cash. But despite driving off in the black-on-black $55,000 two-seater, the trip to the dealership wasn’t exactly all fun and unchecked spending. People Magazine says

According to an insider, “Lynne and Britney were arguing in the car the whole time. They’re both upset, not having a good time at all. After [Britney] came out [of the dealership], she pulled over to the side of the road to argue with her mom more.”

Somehow the screaming matches with her best friend and the heated arguments with her estranged mother haven’t cured Britney of her bizarre behavior, because later the same afternoon, she was seen shopping again with Lutfi and even more out of it than ever. The insider continues

“She was talking in a slight accent. She really wanted some Bubblelicious gum and she kept asking Sam for it and got frustrated when he didn’t have any. Her mood lifted when she found some in her bag.”

There is almost something tragically Flowers for Algernon-esque about Britney’s last few months. Not the similar loss of innocence or the “partaking of the Tree of Knowledge” metaphor per se, but, you know — the whole “retarded mouse” bit. If Algernon had dinner plate sized nipples and crappy British accent, I’d almost swear it was a story about Britney. Except it was written in 1961 and the mouse was supposed to get really smart at some point. Too bad “Dumb and Dumber” wasn’t ever a novel, or I’d have a great literary reference to end this post.

You can make out a good bit of nipple here, but I deem them LSFW because she’s wearing a shirt:

Sam “Piss on Your Dead Mom” Lutfi and Britney Spears had a huge fight last night outside the gates of her Summit home over her relationship with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib. The public screaming match ended with her storming out of the car and down Muholland Drive barefoot, clutching her rat of a dog and bawling while she called Adnan to come pick her up. OK! Magazine says

Adnan told the pop star to go home and he’d meet her there. He tried to punch in the security code to the gate [when he arrived], but it didn’t work. He then reportedly called the house but Britney didn’t answer. Now OK! has learned that it was Sam who changed the gate code and disconnected the numbers to Britney’s six cell phones and her house phone. Frustrated, Adnan then asked the security guard let him in, but the guard told him he was under strict instructions from Sam not to let Adnan past the gate.

Adnan later told a paparazzi photographer that Sam was sending him threatening text messages, calling him a “manic trigger” and telling him, “If you continue to have any contact with her, you’ll kill her.” At 9:00 p.m., Britney reportedly jumped in her Mercedes and went speeding down Coldwater Canyon Drive with 15 to 20 paparazzi in tow. She abandoned her car in the San Fernando Valley sometime around 10 p.m. and jumped into Adnan’s car.

With TMZ adding:

The LAPD were called to the scene to contain the paparazzi crush that was trying to shoot the fight.

Curiously, a similar incident went down at Seabreeze Vista trailer park in Inglewood last night around ten-thirty p.m. Elwood “T.J.” Thompson, 19, and brothers J.T. and P.J. Rogers were arrested outside a mobile home belonging to Vicky Jo Tanner and Marlene Mayburs, both exotic dancers at T.J.’s Bare ‘N’ Legal Barbeque Buffet. All charges against Thompson were dropped once it was discovered Tanner set the fire herself and was never in fact pregnant. Mayburs and Rogers were arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure and possession of a controlled substance without a prescription. I swear, it’s almost like Britney’s looking in a goddamn mirror or something!

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents and sister all came down to L.A. last night to stage an “intervention” on her behalf. Yep, looks like that went just swimmingly!

Tears of a clown: