Michael Lohan once again suckled at the media teat to get his name front and center in the tabloids, telling E! Online that Samantha Ronson is dating daughter Lindsay purely to boost her own fame after it was revealed that Sam was planning to write a “tell-all” about her life. The Sun says

Michael said: “I’ve shut up about this long enough. Samantha is using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some DJ. And now she’s writing a book? Let’s just say I hope Lindsay starts opening her eyes and realizes who the people using her are.”

Michael also accuses Sam of reintroducing Lindsay to booze,… [saying] “Samantha drinks and passes the drinks under the table to Lindsay, and behind the scenes it gets worse and worse. Sam is using my daughter. My daughter isn’t working because she’s always with Sam. Even my ex-wife Dina knows it. She just isn’t doing anything about it.”

Not to be outdone, Samantha posted the following on her official blog:

SHUT THE F*** UP
Current mood: bullied

i really don’t want to say anything because i feel like he wins- he, being the man who is so desperate for attention that he goes to the media whenever possible- i know i am being used, i am just a pawn- easy to sacrifice in order to feed his addiction. I was angry when i first read his attack on me, but- for me- i believe that actions speak louder than words… so now i just pity him- i am not standing in his way- i am not the reason that he has no contact with his daughter- he is- his need to throw a tantrum for the whole world to hear is- i am not going to go into a play by play defense- i feel no need to publicly defend my role in lindsay’s life- i’m just sorry that she likes me more than him.

p.s. i’m not the one that is so lost that i need to use my relationship with lindsay to earn a living…. i am, always will and always have been here for her for her- not for anything else….so I think it’s safe to say that there is not now and never will be a tell all….. written by me….. when does your book come out mr. lohan?”

Lindsay’s response to the allegations? She told Access Hollywood last night

“He’s out of control. I want him to stop hurting and talking to the media about the people I love.”

and posted the following on her MySpace account:

DRUG FREE
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…

If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.

Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.

Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.

This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item. I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on… I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’re officially a sadist with self-destructive tendencies. I suggest lots of booze and a two hour session in the dungeon with your balls under the spiked heel of Mistress Severina. Flagellating your own genitals and burning your forearms with cigarettes is optional but not required.

Lunching someplace other than the Y with their mothers August 24th:

You know it’s for real now — Lindsay Lohan and lesbian lover Samantha Ronson have gotten inked with matching tattoos. According to E! Online

First acquired in July 2006 with then-beau Harry Morton, Lindsay’s tattoo (on her left hand between the thumb and index finger) was white in color. She has since had the tat outlined with black ink, and Ronson has replicated the heart on her own left hand.

Lindsay has also turned up with one of Samantha’s tattoos. Ronson has cascading red stars inked down her right arm, and now Lohan is showing off a red star on her right hand.

Tattoos are a great testament to your everlasting love because they are practically indelible. Just like Hepatitis C and and bankruptcy, but people just aren’t as wild about those.

If you’re new to the internet, Lindsay Lohan’s nipples:

Looks like things are getting serious between everyone’s favorite lesbian couple — Samantha Ronson has finally proposed to girlfriend Lindsay Lohan! Well, sorta. According to The Mirror

Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”

Everyone agreed it was a real step up from the gold-plated dental dam Sam gave Lindsay last month, which was really less of a pledge of eternal love and more of a I-don’t-want-your-herpes-on-my-tongue kind of gift. Still nice, though! Congratulations to the happy couple!

Having lunch at Chin Chin July 7

I bet you’ve often wondered, “Hey, who wears the pants in Lindsay Lohan’s lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson?” No? You haven’t? Well, too bad, because you’re about to hear about it. Star Magazine says

“They’re totally playing house and loving every minute of it. And, yes, they share a bed!” They call Samantha’s Hollywood house “home” — and behind closed doors, “Lindsay and Sam play certain roles — Sam is the boss, the husband. Lindsay is the passive one, the wife.”

They went on to say some stuff about shopping for sex toys and a “bizarre pact to stay thin.” I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. I was busy thinking about Lindsay “sharing a bed” ol’ Sammy. And then waking up in the middle of the night instinctively seeking out penis with her mouth, like a baby blindly rooting for the nipple or like a fish gasping for air, and then panicking when she can’t find one. Ten bucks says Samantha keeps a kielbasa on the bedside table to shove in her mouth so she’ll stop fussing and go to back to sleep again. Penis, the ultimate pacifier!

On the set of Labor Pains with her husband:

Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson have patched things up after a very public lovers’ quarrel over the weekend. The Daily Mail says

The pair had a huge fight during dinner at Katsuya restaurant, with one onlooker [saying]: ‘Lindsay kept ignoring Sam all night long as they ate. Then she [Lindsay] made a huge scene and stormed off.’

However the pair had worked out their differences by yesterday afternoon. Samantha was spotted visiting Lindsay on set of her new film Labor Pains, where she received a very warm embrace from the actress.

It’s always nice when lesbians kiss and make up. Even better when they invite the rest of their lesbian girlfriends over for a little lingerie pillowfighting/nude oil wrestling and ask you to videotape it. Unfortunately, that usually only happens if your name is “Dirk” and you have a ten-inch wiener and a German accent. For such is the way of life!

Having dinner with Lily Allen and with Sam on the set:

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael is furiously back-pedaling after telling Us Weekly that his daughter’s rumored lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson was “evident to anyone with half a brain.” He claims his comments were taken out of context, telling the NY Daily News:

“[In regards to the comment], I was talking about what Dina’s show is all about, but they left that part off. I was saying that it’s evident the show is not… about Ali, it’s about Dina.

[As far as Lindsay and Samantha are concerned, I do] not know if the two are having a relationship and [I have] not asked [her] about it. Lindsay’s life choices are up to her.”

Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes.

The pictures Michael was referencing from that night in Cannes:

Lindsay Lohan was photographed “necking” with rumored girlfriend Samantha Ronson at P. Diddy’s yacht party in Cannes yesterday. The Sun says

In one shot Lindsay nuzzles the DJ’s neck, while in another they’re holding hands leaving at 5:30 a.m. A fellow guest said: “They looked like proper lovebirds. And they didn’t care who saw them draped over each other.”

Rumours that Lindsay and Samantha were lovers started last year.

In Lindsay’s defense, it’s pretty hard to resist the call of a pork pie hat. Next to a heartfelt ballad played on the didgeridoo or a your collection of mint-condition Star Wars action figures, it’s practically the only thing guaranteed to moisten a girl’s panties. Well, maybe a good kick in the bladder, too. But that’s just not as sexy.

Yielding to the pork pie call in at Dolce & Gabbana in Cannes:

Lindsay Lohan didn’t like Ashley Olsen chatting up her lesbian gal pal Samantha Ronson at that Hawaiian Tropic Zone gig this past Saturday. According to Page Six

“Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, ‘Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend.’”

That’s the worst “Full House” burn I’ve ever heard. If you really want your Full House insult to sting, you need to incorporate characters from the show, like “Quit being such a Saggot” or “I wouldn’t fuck you with Uncle Joey’s dick.” BURRRN, baby!

Lindsay Lohan guzzled vodka and staggered around the dance floor at Times Square’s Hawaiian Tropic Zone Saturday night while best friend Samantha Ronson manned the turntables. People Magazine says

Drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails, she danced the night away with girlfriends… tossing her hair around and doing full body rolls.

Monkey rolls? Moneky rolls? Sorry, I don’t care who you are — the only time it’s ever appropriate to employ the somersault into your day-to-day dealings is if someone in an eye patch is gripping the helm and yelling, “Haul on the main brace, make ready the guns and run out the sweeps or I’ll nail yer gizzards to the mast, ye poxy curs!” It also helps if you’re on a 17th century brigantine and have a pegleg and parrot. Otherwise, you just look like a total douche.

Drink up, me hearties, yo ho:

Rapper Jay-Z and singer Beyonce are finally ready to tie the knot. Blah blah getting married blah blah zzzzzz. People magazine says

Beyoncé Knowles and longtime beau Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license in Scarsdale, N.Y.. According to a source, the pair obtained a license Tuesday morning. The document is valid for 60 days.

In other more interesting news, Lindsay Lohan took a nose-picking constitutional around Beverly Hills with DJ Samantha Ronson yesterday. You know that old saying — you can pick your friends, and your can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your lesbian enabler’s nose! Unless she’s letting a couple of chunks of coke go to waste up there, in which case it’s your civic duty to help yourself to the leftovers. They don’t call it the Law of Conservation of Mass for nothin’.

Dig deeper: