Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count, so see if you can guess where this is going. E! Online says

After Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson reconnected last month following their split in April, the couple has once again broken up after a nasty argument… [about] Sam’s friendship with Nicole Richie, who’s apparently no fan of Lohan.

Just last week Nicole invited Sam to a mutual friend’s birthday party at Bar Marmont with the stipulation that she not bring Lindsay. “Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay,” says the source.

After Sam had dinner with Nicole last night, a source says she gave Linds the kiss-off.

This is boring, so in more important news, I came across these pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying at the Axe Body Spray Lounge in the Hamptons. No, seriously. Axe fucking Body Spray. You will never find a more wretched hive of douchiness and ass-wipery. If being photographed at the Axe Body Spray lounge wasn’t enough to tip you off, here’s a handy list of ways to tell if you are, in fact, a complete douchebag. Might want to write these down.

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG

10. You have a subscription to Maxim or Cigar Aficionado magazine

9. You refer to yourself as “Turbo” or “Deuce”

8. You use the term “bromance” and “manscape” in everyday conversation

7. You have a soul patch

6. You have a dream catcher hanging in your bedroom

5. You have a dream catcher tattooed on your bicep

4. You have a Chinese symbol/tribal armband/yin-yang tattooed on your bicep

3. You Tivo every episode of Entourage

2. You’re Brett Michaels

and the number one way to tell whether or not you’re a douchebag:

1. You’re reading this list because part of you isn’t totally sure you aren’t a douchebag. Douchebag!

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

Lindsay Lohan did what any girl who had just been dumped and publicly humiliated would do — she called a tabloid magazine to discuss the breakup at length. According to Us Weekly

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan [said] in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls where she was both agitated [and] crying. “The worst night of my life. I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. Everyone’s turned on me.”

She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

“I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” she says. “I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”

Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself.”

Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.

“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.”

I agree. The whole situation is sick. At least the part involving Samantha Ronson’s vagina, anyway. I bet it looks like a couple of clam strips that spent the last six months pickling in a big jar of brine and broiling under a heat lamp, all shriveled and dehydrated and curled up on themselves like really long flesh-colored raisins. That bitch is straight-up disgusting.

After categorically denying it all weekend, Lindsay Lohan finally admitted that she and Samantha Ronson have split. She told E! Online

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

A “brief break,” was it? Because the way I remember it, Samantha changed the locks and physically barred you from attending any of her gigs. If that’s the case, then my robbing a pharmacy at gunpoint must just be a “brief break from the laws of civilized society” and my arsenal of prescription drugs must a “brief break from the constraints of reality.” Too bad the American penal system doesn’t see it your way, Lindsay.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that the Ronsons have requested a brief police-ordered break from Lindsay, or as the cops like to call it, a restraining order.

Pop Quiz: is this Lindsay Lohan, or her thirty years older whore of a mother? Make sure and show your work!

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

They’ve broken up and gotten back together like 400 times, but this time it might be really truly be over for Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Samantha reportedly changed the locks on her doors and even banned Lindsay from her DJ gig at Bar Marmont. According to OK! Magazine

Ronson had gone out of [her] way to insure [Lindsay] wouldn’t be able to get inside. Doormen were under strict instructions… to look out for Lindsay and not to let her in under any circumstances.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be “restrained from coming in by five security guards,” according to an onlooker. “Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail.”

Nothing like being forcibly removed from a party to let you know that it’s really over between you and an ex. It’s so much more clear-cut than being forcibly removed from a party for, say, singing “Moon River” in broken Cantonese into a microphone you pirated from the bride’s grandmother and then relieving yourself in the champagne fountain in front of the ring bearer. You have to admit, there’s a lot open to interpretation there.

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

Lindsay Lohan is switching teams once again for girlfriend Samantha Ronson — this time, it’s organized religion. The Mirror UK says

[Formerly Catholic] Lindsay is converting to Judaism to prove her devotion to Jewish Samantha.

LiLo visited a London synagogue with her DJ girlfriend on Friday. And then she returned to the same place of worship in South Kensington as Samantha’s date for the bar mitzvah of her half-brother Joshua Ronson.

Eh, Catholic, Jewish, Esoteric Lutheran — it’s pretty much all the same when you get right down to it. In fact, the only real way you can tell a Catholic wife from a Protestant one is that the Catholic has real orgasms and fake jewelery. Zing!

More rumors of lesbian discord between Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, this time at ESPN The Magazine’s Pre-Super Bowl party last Friday. Fox News says

An angry-looking Lindsay hung out near Sam’s D.J. booth chain-smoking until the early hours while shooting her dirty looks. According to an insider, Lohan continued to grab Ronson’s Blackberry obsessively and check her messages before an inevitable feud broke out. The two later headed to the ladies’ to “sort it out” and came out smiling.

“Sort it out,” or “snort it out?” I think we all know the answer to that one. Besides, there was already a pretty good chance she’d been drinking:

While the [party goers] all enjoyed shots of Patron, the “reformed” rehabber made a public display of only drinking Red Bull, although… a secret stash of liquor was later found underneath Lilo’s table.

Well, to be fair, we can’t just assume she was drinking because someone discovered a bottle of booze under the table. For all we know, she might have been using the bottle neck to fuck herself under the table. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. We all know how angry her puss gets when it goes more than ten minutes without something inside it. Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash! We should really just give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Arriving in L.A. with Samantha, after telling people “she would die” if she had to fly coach:

It’s not the first time Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has spoken out about his daughter’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson — but this is the first time he’s asked for your help. He wrote on his website

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn. SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?

Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

His clever use of the capitalized “man” in Samantha certainly lends an air of credibility to his post. You know, because she’s a lesbian and really ugly and all and the word “man” is hidden in her name. The pen truly is mightier than the sword! That’s why I used one to draw mustaches and wieners on all the pictures of my ex-husband’s business cards. Michael and I like to refer to that as “taking the high road.”

Lindsay’s new ad campaign for Fornarina:

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson rang in the new year by screaming at each other in a nightclub and waling on each other outside their hotel room. Just like Mom and Dad used to do! Page Six says

On New Year’s Eve, the couple went nuclear and started screaming at each other while hosting a party at Mansion. After Lohan and Ronson went back to the hotel, several sources heard crashing sounds and screaming coming from their room until the fight spilled out into the hallways at about 11 a.m.

“They were punching each other - it was bad,” a spy said. “And they were doing this in front of all of us.” At one point, Lohan dropped to her knees and cried, “Why are you doing this to me?” And Sam just said, “I don’t know you.”

Eventually hotel security was called and photos were taken of the girls’ trashed room. “Mirrors were broken and it was a complete mess,” another spy said.

Several hours later, still fighting, Lohan and Ronson tried to board an American Airlines flight back to Los Angeles. Lohan was said to be such a mess before takeoff that flight attendants asked her if she’d like to disembark. She refused.

That just proves that their love is the real thing after all. I’ve learned from watching episodes of COPS that it’s not true love unless you have a steady cycle of screaming fistfights and broken dishes and kitchen knife-brandishing in a double wide trailer. I’ve also learned that if you’re high on PCP and not wearing any pants, you are magically immune to tasers and pepper spray. That little tidbit has come in handy more times that I can count, believe me. There’s not a life lesson around that can’t be gleaned from a good episode of COPS! PBS can go suck it.

Post-fight in L.A.:

Ashely Kaufmann is indeed Lindsay Lohan’s bastard sister, according to a post La Lohan put up on her Myspace on Wednesday:

my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Daddy of the Year Michael Lohan has consequently denied his daughter’s claim, writing in an e-mail to People magazine that he believes there is a “99 percent chance” Lohan’s MySpace message was actually written by her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and not by Lindsay at all. So what we have here is yet another series of evil schemes orchestrated by family under the guise of holiday togetherness. Just like our “Christmas Eve dinner” that was actually a staged intervention or the “after-market ignition enhancer” that turned out to be a car breathalyzer. Lies, all of it!

Lindsay and Sam shopping on Melrose Avenue:

Lindsay Lohan accompanied girlfriend Samantha Ronson as she was rushed to hospital for an overnight visit yesterday. A bit of the ol’ “monkey poisoning,” perhaps? Not quite. According to Nine MSN

Samantha is suffering from depression and exhaustion.

Oh, she’s tired, is she? Jesus H. It’s not like she’s spending her nights shepherding invalids over the Afghan border in a hand-pulled oxcart. She stands in a fucking booth and scratches records for three hours a day, once, maybe twice a week. You know what I think this little “hospitalization” is really about? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has finally implemented some of my suggestions and starting offering coverage for “ugly.” Now, to the Bat Cave to get the ball rolling on “fat” and “old!” Away!

Leaving Crown Bar this weekend looking more in love than ever: