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Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count, so see if you can guess where this is going. E! Online says

After Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson reconnected last month following their split in April, the couple has once again broken up after a nasty argument… [about] Sam’s friendship with Nicole Richie, who’s apparently no fan of Lohan.

Just last week Nicole invited Sam to a mutual friend’s birthday party at Bar Marmont with the stipulation that she not bring Lindsay. “Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay,” says the source.

After Sam had dinner with Nicole last night, a source says she gave Linds the kiss-off.

This is boring, so in more important news, I came across these pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying at the Axe Body Spray Lounge in the Hamptons. No, seriously. Axe fucking Body Spray. You will never find a more wretched hive of douchiness and ass-wipery. If being photographed at the Axe Body Spray lounge wasn’t enough to tip you off, here’s a handy list of ways to tell if you are, in fact, a complete douchebag. Might want to write these down.

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG

10. You have a subscription to Maxim or Cigar Aficionado magazine

9. You refer to yourself as “Turbo” or “Deuce”

8. You use the term “bromance” and “manscape” in everyday conversation

7. You have a soul patch

6. You have a dream catcher hanging in your bedroom

5. You have a dream catcher tattooed on your bicep

4. You have a Chinese symbol/tribal armband/yin-yang tattooed on your bicep

3. You Tivo every episode of Entourage

2. You’re Brett Michaels

and the number one way to tell whether or not you’re a douchebag:

1. You’re reading this list because part of you isn’t totally sure you aren’t a douchebag. Douchebag!

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Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

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Lindsay Lohan did what any girl who had just been dumped and publicly humiliated would do — she called a tabloid magazine to discuss the breakup at length. According to Us Weekly

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan [said] in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls where she was both agitated [and] crying. “The worst night of my life. I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. Everyone’s turned on me.”

She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

“I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” she says. “I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”

Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself.”

Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.

“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.”

I agree. The whole situation is sick. At least the part involving Samantha Ronson’s vagina, anyway. I bet it looks like a couple of clam strips that spent the last six months pickling in a big jar of brine and broiling under a heat lamp, all shriveled and dehydrated and curled up on themselves like really long flesh-colored raisins. That bitch is straight-up disgusting.

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After categorically denying it all weekend, Lindsay Lohan finally admitted that she and Samantha Ronson have split. She told E! Online

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

A “brief break,” was it? Because the way I remember it, Samantha changed the locks and physically barred you from attending any of her gigs. If that’s the case, then my robbing a pharmacy at gunpoint must just be a “brief break from the laws of civilized society” and my arsenal of prescription drugs must a “brief break from the constraints of reality.” Too bad the American penal system doesn’t see it your way, Lindsay.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is reporting that the Ronsons have requested a brief police-ordered break from Lindsay, or as the cops like to call it, a restraining order.

Pop Quiz: is this Lindsay Lohan, or her thirty years older whore of a mother? Make sure and show your work!

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PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

lindsay lohan dumped

They’ve broken up and gotten back together like 400 times, but this time it might be really truly be over for Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Samantha reportedly changed the locks on her doors and even banned Lindsay from her DJ gig at Bar Marmont. According to OK! Magazine

Ronson had gone out of [her] way to insure [Lindsay] wouldn’t be able to get inside. Doormen were under strict instructions… to look out for Lindsay and not to let her in under any circumstances.

But just as expected, Linds still showed up, only to be “restrained from coming in by five security guards,” according to an onlooker. “Lindsay knew she was unwanted, but came anyway, to no avail.”

Nothing like being forcibly removed from a party to let you know that it’s really over between you and an ex. It’s so much more clear-cut than being forcibly removed from a party for, say, singing “Moon River” in broken Cantonese into a microphone you pirated from the bride’s grandmother and then relieving yourself in the champagne fountain in front of the ring bearer. You have to admit, there’s a lot open to interpretation there.

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