Besides the accusations of wheelchair porn and sex addiction, “insiders” close to Katy Perry claim that her soon-to-be-ex-husbandRussell Brand was often less than supportive of her career. Us Magazine says:
When the singer guest-hosted Saturday Night Live, the British comic turned down Perry’s plea to perform in a skit with him.
“He told her that she wasn’t that funny,” an insider says of Perry’s skits parodying Pippa Middleton, Christina Aguilera and others. “That really hurt.”
Good for him. She wasn’t funny. God knows it needed saying. The only reason anyone even tolerated any of her shitty skits was for the tits, so she should shut her mouth and get back in her cage and dance like the metaphorical street monkey she is. Shock and titillate me, woman! I’ve got American dollars!
Promoting her new fragrance Meow — I know, I’m embarrassed for her:
After all the hullabaloo and brewhaha (yes, people say “hullabaloo” and “brewhaha”) surrounding Alec Baldwin’s unceremonious removal from an American Airlines flight last week, the Thirty Rock actor decided to make an appearance on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live to issue a public apology… to himself… as Captain Steve Rogers, the pilot of the flight he delayed because he refused to turn off his damn phone before takeoff. After apologizing to himself profusely, he actually says at one point, “Alec Baldwin is an American treasure,” which would have been hilariously tongue-in-cheek had I not thought he honestly believed every fucking word he was saying.
Helen Mirren’s magnificent sexagenarian titties got their own skit on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live (video below), and while you may have seen her in a bikini and topless in the tub, you haven’t experienced the wonder that is her bosom unless you’ve grappled them for yourself. Only then can you truly bask in all their splendor and glory. But don’t think this gives you free license to grope any senior citizen you see. The ladies in my grandma’s bridge club wasn’t nearly as cool about it as Helen was.
Katy Perry finally had an opportunity to address the controversy surrounding her choice of outfit for her Sesame Street cameo last week, and she did it with the usual grace and aplomb you’ve come to expect. That is, she stuffed her tits into a five-sizes-too-small Elmo shirt and bounced up and down and shimmied and shook like someone suffering a Ritalin-induced seizure on SNL this weekend. Check and mate, you stupid uptight parents!
Because her pre-taped segment for the VMA’s was so darn funny, Lindsay Lohan has decided she’s going to host Saturday Night Live and show the world she poke fun at her drunken whore image. Again. The NY Daily News says;
Lohan is in conversations to host “SNL” on Dec. 4, according to a source familiar with the deal.
The NBC late-nighter would give Lohan 90 minutes to prove to those who may still care about her career that she is employable after a string of run-ins with the law and rehab stints.
Yep, nothing says cinematic bankability like hosting SNL. Just ask Tom Green or Macauly Culkin. They wouldn’t be where they are today if they hadn’t!
It was Mother’s Day this past Sunday, and I hope all of you took the time to thank your mothers for wiping your ass for the first three (or in my case, seven) years of your life, and for suffering through every last one of your lame-ass middle-school band concerts, and for letting you ravage her once-intact birth canal and turn it into raw hamburger with bladder control issues. Trust me, being a mom is a lot harder than it looks. A little bit of you dies every time you sit through Sesame Street on Ice or have to construct a diorama of the African Serengeti using uncooked pasta and glitter glue. So to those of you with scars on your feet where Legos and plastic army men embedded themselves in your heels, I salute you. In honor of mothers everywhere, here’s Betty White on this weekend’s SNL. Enjoy.
See what motherhood has done to Christina Aguilera here, one more Debbie Downer skit after the jump:
Hey guys, thanks for hanging out with me this week! I hope you all have a great Christmas. Stay safe, don’t play in the street, designate a driver! Sarah will be picking up next week to carry you through the New Year. See you next year! Enjoy a dick in a box!
It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.
Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:
Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”
There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.
Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says
Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.
Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.
Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”
Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.
And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”
A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:
You know how I always said that Megan Fox should shut her damn trap already and just stuff a sandwich in that stupid cock-holster of hers? Um, I just changed my mind. Gross.
Filming a SNL promo (video of which you can watch after the jump) with Andy Samberg:
