Several commentators on ESPN suggested it was because of a broken heart, but long-time Penn State football coach Joe Paterno actually died early Sunday morning from complications stemming from lung cancer. It would appear that guilt and shame are a real catalyst for carcinomas.

And now for some Rooney Mara naked in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” in honor of victims of sexual assault who actually get theirs in the end:

This will neither shock nor surprise you, but it turns out the overpriced shit the Kardashians hawk at their stupid Dash stores is actually manufactured in overseas sweatshops. Who could have ever fathomed the Kardashians were soulless money-grubbers? I know this is certainly the first I’m hearing of this. Radar Online says:

Items in the family’s high-end K-Dash by Kardashian label and the Kris Jenner Kollection, and ShoeDazzle, a company that Kim cofounded and endorses, are all manufactured in… squalid factory-run dormitories filled with the stench of sewage while toiling up to 84 hours during seven-day work weeks to produce some of the goods that helped the rest of their family earn $65 million last year.

Shockingly, the impoverished workers earn just a paltry $1 an hour, with temperatures inside non-air-conditioned factories soaring to over 100˚F. Workers in the region can come out with as little as $15 a month once rent and food debts have been paid to their bosses.

“You can’t talk during working hour… You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re highly specialized, you cannot even go to the bathroom.”

The allegations about Kardashian products in this post have nothing to do with their products sold at Sears.

See, this is exactly why you don’t want to get your associate’s at the Kathie Lee Gifford School of Business.

At the Kardashian Khaos store at the Mirage Hotel & Casino in Vegas last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I just assumed that Ashton Kutcher’s infidelity was the impetus behind Demi Moore’s filing for divorce, but mysterious sources have since cropped up like warts on the taint of the tabloid media, and they’re alleging that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage the entire time they were together. The Daily Mail says:

It is believed Moore and Kutcher embarked on an ‘open marriage’, with suggestions hinting that the 49-year-old actress is bisexual.

An insider [said]: “Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton.”

“Everyone in Hollywood knows about their arrangement, but they’ve managed to keep it a secret from the general public… she was cool with Ashton having flirtatious relationships too. Somehow they made it work all these years. Both of them were respectful of each other. It was a lot of fun for them.”

However, it all changed when Ashton’s affairs became public and that has been the reason for their separation.

Look, I’m about as free-minded as a girl can be, but everybody knows open marriages and threesomes just do not fucking work. As a rule, people don’t like to share. You have to be taught the concept of sharing as a child. It goes against the most basic aspects of human nature. If you were hungry and had a big slice of chocolate cake, you wouldn’t give it to the next dude that walked by, would you? And you sure as hell wouldn’t then stand there watching him eat your cake, waiting for your turn to tap in so you could maybe get a bite of your cake that wasn’t already covered with spittle or semen or your own bitter tears? Of course not. That kinda thing only works out in late-night cable movies.

On vacation in the Caribbean awhile back:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, Demi Moore announced that she was ending her six-year marriage to Ashton Kutcher on her Twitter today, saying:

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.”

“This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”

Ashton consequently posted:

I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi.

Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK

So I gather Demi didn’t wanna try her hand at STD Russian Roulette this late in the game. Old people take everything so fucking seriously. It’s not like genital warts ever killed anybody. It just, um, grossly disfigured them. There’s a difference.

A lawyer for Mariah Yeater denied TMZ’s claims that she had withdrawn her paternity suit against Justin Bieber last week, claiming negotiations to obtain a confidential DNA test were still taking place. The Daily Mail says:

Chicago based paternity lawyer Jeffrey Leving confirmed he is still very much on board [with Yeater] and negotiations with teen star Justin Bieber’s legal team are still active.

In a telephone interview with a Chicago news station today he confirmed: ‘I did not step down… it’s a new legal team. In light of death threats against my client, strategies have been reviewed.

Negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.

My goal is that when the DNA test is completed is to keep everything confidential.”

Which points to Yeater’s legal team pushing for a financial settlement regardless of paternity — basically paying her to go away. However, Yeater’s lawyers have not addressed how this is gonna work exactly now that she’s been busted asking friends to delete old text messages from her in which she indicates another man is actually the father of her bastard child. Awkward! TMZ says:

Justin Bieber’s alleged baby mama sent a text Wednesday to a friend, begging him to erase an incriminating text in which her mom says someone OTHER than Justin Bieber is the baby daddy, and then promising to give him a cut of the action when she scores a payday.

In the text, Yeater pleads “ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom.” The text goes on to say that her mom sent messages in the past stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie — an ex-boyfriend.

She then goes on to talk about giving [him] money if he cooperates: “Ill kick u when we get paid.”

In [another] text, Mariah writes, “Would you please stress to Robbie how important it is for him to be in his son’s life?” Apparently, Mariah forgot about this text, because she didn’t ask him to erase it.

Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber’s lawyer said: “This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never met Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child’s father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media.”

Weitzman adds, “There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be.”

Once I was pretty sure I had “Bieber fever,” too, but it turned out it was just chlamydia. Fortunately, they make a pill for that nowadays.

A woman is shopping around what she claims is a “full frontal” picture of Philadelphia Eagles star and canine enthusiast Michael Vick to various media outlets. Radar Online says:

According to one website the woman contacted, she told them the photo was easily identifiable as Vick because the unique tattoos “that appear all over his body including his signature super man tatoo [sic].”

The woman claims the photo was taken less than a year ago in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas.

“He is in the bathroom of the hotel room the night before the game taking the photos of himself,” the woman claims. “It is from the neck down with all tattoos visible.”

Michael Vick is married with two kids, so not only will he have shown the world his wiener, but he will have revealed himself as a philanderer, too. A philandering, wiener-flaunting dog-fighting asshole. Even Bernie Madoff cuts a more sympathetic figure than this guy.

And now for some Kelly Brook in lingerie in this month’s Nuts:

19-year old Mariah Yeater filed papers in court yesterday alleging that she had sex with 17-year-old Justin Bieber after his October 25th concert in Los Angeles, and now she wants him to take a paternity test to “scientifically confirm” he is the father of her three-month-old son. So Justin doesn’t have pubes, but he has a son. Yeah, right. Adding to the drama is the fact that he’s been dating Disney starlet Selena Gomez this whole time. The Daily Mail says:

In an affidavit, [Yeater] allegedly said a security guard working for Bieber approached her and ‘asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber’ backstage.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.’

She said he led her to a bathroom where ‘immediately his personality changed drastically’.

She allegedly claimed: ‘I asked him to put a condom on for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.’

In court papers filed on Monday, she is also demanding Bieber ‘provide adequate support for my baby’.

Californian Yeater also claims that her sexual encounter with Bieber was ‘brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds’.

Justin Bieber is a one-pump chump? That sounds about right. Everyone’s awful at sex when they’re seventeen. All the awkward fumbling and poking and prodding. It’s almost like being examined by a vet.

Girlfriend Selena Gomez at The Fulfillment Fund’s 2011 Stars Gala November 1st:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The whore at the center of the Ashton Kutcher affair scandal never got that hush money she was after, so naturally she’s gone and sold their tales of ribaldry to the media. That sound you hear is actually Joslyn James and Michelle McGee slow golf clapping their approval. The Daily Mail says:

She said: “[Ashton and I] had sex twice. Everything felt natural. We were having a good time. He was good, but it wasn’t weird or perverted or creepy.

He had good endurance. We were up for a while. It was about two hours.’

She added that they had unprotected sex saying Kutcher didn’t use a condom during their encounter.

‘The last thing I remember him saying was he did a good job. We woke up and I wearing a robe. He opened it up and I was like “What are you doing?” He was like, “Just checking. Ok, I did good. You’re really pretty.’

Of course he didn’t use a condom. Why would he. It’s Vegas. Besides, it’s not like he can’t track her down if he needs to, so long as she still goes by the same stage name.

Two weeks ago, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted he had lied about posting semi-nude pictures of himself online in an attempt to sexually engage a number of women, including (but not limited to): a porn star, two strippers, a 17-year old girl, eight maids a-milking and a partridge in a pear tree. This past weekend, Weiner checked himself into rehab so that he could thrust (pun intended!) his sex pervert issues onto his shitty childhood and tell everyone the emotional scars from having the last name “Weiner” made him do it. However, on Monday, the House Ethics Committee began formally investigating him and President Obama straight-up said Weiner needed to resign. See if you can guess where this is going. Us Magazine says:

Mired in a lewd Twitter photo scandal, New York Representative Anthony Wiener has told friends that he’ll leave his seat at the House.

The 46 year-old Congressman’s decision reportedly came following long conversations with his wife, Huma Abedin. Now expecting her first child, Abedin returned from a trip abroad Tuesday with her boss, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The chairman of the Democratic National Committee [said]: “The behavior he has exhibited is indefensible and Rep. Weiner’s continued service in Congress is untenable.”

And here’s one more indistinguishable whore he tried to cyber-bang, porn star turned stripper Ginger Lee, claiming that she did not solicit his sexual advances online, largely because his credit card was declined.

UPDATE: It’s official. He just resigned.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Arnold Schwarzenegger (seen here with his housekeeper mistress and bastard son in 1999) announced yesterday that he would be pulling out of all future film endeavors — including a role in the fifth installment in the Terminator series — in the wake of his affair and illegitimate child scandal. His lawyer said in a statement:

“At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently underway or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice.

Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timeline, [including] Cry Macho, The Terminator franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

Terminator 2 was the first R-rated movie I was allowed to see as a kid, and one of my favorite sci-fi movies of all time, so I think it’s really for the best that Terminator 5 doesn’t happen. Nobody wants to see a 63-year old terminator. What’s he gonna do, chase kids off his lawn and complain loudly about the travails of irregularity?

More details and unflattering photos are being released on what seems like an hourly basis in the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair scandal, the latest of which shows the striking similarities between Arnold as Conan the Barbarian and his then 11-year old son. While most news outlets are blurring the child’s face, you’ll note that I’m not plagued by things like “restraint” or “scruples.” No charge for awesomeness, folks.

Anyway, Maria Shriver reportedly hired divorce attorney Laura Wasser yesterday after it was revealed that the maid’s bastard child and Shriver’s own son were born less than a week apart. The Daily Mail says:

It has emerged that Mildrid Baena, who worked as the Schwarzeneggers’ housekeeper for 20 years, gave birth [to Schwarzenegger's illegitimate son] just five days after Maria Shriver gave birth to the couple’s second son.

Baena’s son was born on October 2, 1997, according to documents unearthed today.

The actor and his wife welcomed their second son Christopher on September 27 that same year.

A birth certificate lists Baena’s then-husband, Rogelio Baena, as the father; however divorce documents filed in February 2008 state the couple have ‘no minor children’, which suggests her husband had discovered she had been unfaithful.

And then there’s this disturbing, bunny-boiling tidbit from TMZ:

Mildred Patty Baena had an obsession with Maria… Patty felt she was naturally “gorgeous” and wanted to look just like Maria.

Sources say Patty would dress in Maria’s clothing and even wear her jewelry around town.

And there’s more. When Maria would leave the house in the morning, [Patty] would crawl into the marital bed and do the deed with Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an international movie star, a world-class body builder and the former governor of the third-largest state in the Union, and this is the woman he chooses to have an affair with. He could have been caught having sex with an actual goat and it still would have been less embarrassing for him.

Brooklyn Decker and Vanessa Hudgens at the MyHabit.com party in NYC last night, because I can’t look at any more pictures of Patty before lunch:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Former Miss United States Alexandria Mills might be the first woman from the United States to ever take home the title Miss World, but she’s not the first pageant queen from the US to be publicly humiliated by the nekkid pictures she took of herself and sent to her boyfriend. Radar Online says:

The 18-year-old took a nude photograph of herself over the summer — taken in what appears to be her bathroom — and sent it to her boyfriend at the time.

RadarOnline.com has seen and verified the authenticity of the photo.

Mills took the crown at the 60th annual Miss World competition in Sanya, China on October 30, beating out 115 other competitors.

Well, you know what they say — heavy hangs the head that wears the crown! I always thought the head hanging had more to do with the weight of oligarchical obligation and responsibility, but I guess the shame that accompanies the whole world seeing your genitals kinda works, too.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures