Arnold Schwarzenegger (seen here with his housekeeper mistress and bastard son in 1999) announced yesterday that he would be pulling out of all future film endeavors — including a role in the fifth installment in the Terminator series — in the wake of his affair and illegitimate child scandal. His lawyer said in a statement:

“At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently underway or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice.

Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timeline, [including] Cry Macho, The Terminator franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

Terminator 2 was the first R-rated movie I was allowed to see as a kid, and one of my favorite sci-fi movies of all time, so I think it’s really for the best that Terminator 5 doesn’t happen. Nobody wants to see a 63-year old terminator. What’s he gonna do, chase kids off his lawn and complain loudly about the travails of irregularity?

More details and unflattering photos are being released on what seems like an hourly basis in the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair scandal, the latest of which shows the striking similarities between Arnold as Conan the Barbarian and his then 11-year old son. While most news outlets are blurring the child’s face, you’ll note that I’m not plagued by things like “restraint” or “scruples.” No charge for awesomeness, folks.

Anyway, Maria Shriver reportedly hired divorce attorney Laura Wasser yesterday after it was revealed that the maid’s bastard child and Shriver’s own son were born less than a week apart. The Daily Mail says:

It has emerged that Mildrid Baena, who worked as the Schwarzeneggers’ housekeeper for 20 years, gave birth [to Schwarzenegger's illegitimate son] just five days after Maria Shriver gave birth to the couple’s second son.

Baena’s son was born on October 2, 1997, according to documents unearthed today.

The actor and his wife welcomed their second son Christopher on September 27 that same year.

A birth certificate lists Baena’s then-husband, Rogelio Baena, as the father; however divorce documents filed in February 2008 state the couple have ‘no minor children’, which suggests her husband had discovered she had been unfaithful.

And then there’s this disturbing, bunny-boiling tidbit from TMZ:

Mildred Patty Baena had an obsession with Maria… Patty felt she was naturally “gorgeous” and wanted to look just like Maria.

Sources say Patty would dress in Maria’s clothing and even wear her jewelry around town.

And there’s more. When Maria would leave the house in the morning, [Patty] would crawl into the marital bed and do the deed with Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an international movie star, a world-class body builder and the former governor of the third-largest state in the Union, and this is the woman he chooses to have an affair with. He could have been caught having sex with an actual goat and it still would have been less embarrassing for him.

Brooklyn Decker and Vanessa Hudgens at the MyHabit.com party in NYC last night, because I can’t look at any more pictures of Patty before lunch:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Former Miss United States Alexandria Mills might be the first woman from the United States to ever take home the title Miss World, but she’s not the first pageant queen from the US to be publicly humiliated by the nekkid pictures she took of herself and sent to her boyfriend. Radar Online says:

The 18-year-old took a nude photograph of herself over the summer — taken in what appears to be her bathroom — and sent it to her boyfriend at the time.

RadarOnline.com has seen and verified the authenticity of the photo.

Mills took the crown at the 60th annual Miss World competition in Sanya, China on October 30, beating out 115 other competitors.

Well, you know what they say — heavy hangs the head that wears the crown! I always thought the head hanging had more to do with the weight of oligarchical obligation and responsibility, but I guess the shame that accompanies the whole world seeing your genitals kinda works, too.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen’s little “date” with porn star Capri Anderson didn’t come cheap — apparently, it costs twelve grand to stick it in where dozens have trod before. Problem is, Charlie never actually paid for her services. Radar Online says:

“[Capri Anderson is] more than a porn star. [She's a prostitute]. And the price for the evening was $12,000.”

But the first time Charlie tried to have sex with Christina she demanded the money and when he couldn’t produce it, she stopped him.

“She told Charlie, ‘I’m not doing anything until I get my money first,’” the source said. “And then after they did more cocaine Charlie wanted to have sex and she demanded money. He couldn’t find his wallet and flipped out.

He thought she stole it, but his assistant, who was down the hall had it. That’s when Charlie flipped out and Christina fled into the bathroom and locked the door. He was pounding on it and that led to the series of phone calls with the police showing up.

Now she’s furious because he still NEVER paid her! And she’s determined to get her money one way or the other, so she’s shopping her story. Saying she’ll go to the district attorney makes her story more valuable she thinks and puts pressure on Charlie.”

Just to reiterate, she’s threatening to involve the legal system because Charlie didn’t pay her for her services as a prostitute. Good luck with that. I couldn’t even get the cops to show up when my boyfriend’s sister stole all my weed. Protect and serve my ass.

Attempting to reach her target heart rate (NSFW):

Kelly Preston has played beard to John Travolta for almost twenty years now, but their sham of a marriage is about to be revealed to the public. Nine MSN says:

John Travolta’s family has been dealt another blow as reports emerge that he has been allegedly cheating on his wife — engaging in “lewd sex acts with other men” as part of a “secret gay spa subculture.”

“John Travolta has been cheating on Kelly for years!” said Robert Randolph, author of the memoir “You’ll Never Spa in This Town Again.” “And when the details emerge, he’s gonna make Tiger Woods look like a boy scout.”

When asked for comment, John Travolta reportedly said, “Ooh, Tiger Woods as a boy scout… yummy! Where do I sign up?” and impishly covered his mouth with his hand while making his best I’m-so-naughty face.

Sandra Bullock will sit down with the Today Show next Tuesday in her first televised interview since husband Jesse James’ multiple affairs were revealed earlier this year. The Daily Mail says:

The Oscar winning Blind Side star has agreed to a sit-down with Today show host Matt Lauer.

The interview is set to be filmed in New Orleans, where Bullock owns a home, and is scheduled to air on the NBC morning show on August 31.

Lauer and Bullock will talk about her support for Warren Easton Charter High School in New Orleans, and he will join her for the opening of the school’s on-campus health clinic that the actress helped fund.

I’m sure it will be just as bland and non-invasive as Elin Nordegren’s People magazine interview was — less on where her ex-husband was stuffing his peen, and more on her stupid charitable endeavors in Ray Nagin’s Chocolate City. Well, people don’t want to hear about kindness and goodwill. They want smut and salaciousness and something that would burst into flames if Jesus got within ten feet of it. So it’s probably safe to say that this blog is gonna go up like a tinderbox full of mujaheddin backpacks when the Second Coming is nigh. Consider yourself warned.

Sandy in Austin yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Now that her divorce from Tiger Woods is final, Elin Nordegren has broken her nine-month silence in an exclusive 19-hour sit-down with People magazine:

“I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie?” says the 30-year-old mother of two. “But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”

Elin, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says [of] her husband’s betrayal: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. When all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”

She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person.

Ultimately, though — even though I’m sure she’s found some satisfaction in her ex’s public derision and the complete dismantling of his once-marketable image (and its subsequent effect on his golf game) — nothing has given her more joy than the watching the Dwarf Elephant-unicorn hybrids frolicking in her diamond gardens from high atop the space station she had constructed out of platinum and lined with Mongolian cashmere and c-notes. “I find natural fibers breathe a bit better,” she’s quoted as saying.

Jesse James’ much-anticipated interview is set to air on Nightline tonight, and a few more teaser clips have been dribbled out of Good Morning America’s urethra and into the adult diaper that is the internet (see above). If you’re wondering why he’s coming forward now, Jesse says it’s because the photos of him playing Nazi that surfaced last month unfairly portrayed him as a racist and an anti-Semite. Us Magazine says

“Dealing with losing my marriage and my son and embarrassing everyone and decimating my life… but to be called a racist on top of that is, it makes me really sad,” he said.

Of the photos, James said, “I could tell by the look on my face it was a joke that was funny then, probably for a minute, but then looking at it in the context of now and in my life, it’s not funny. There’s not a racist bone in my body.”

When asked why he adopted a black child, James said he “didn’t care what color” the baby was. “My only prerequisite for adopting a baby: I want the baby that needs us the most.”

But he “threw away” their “amazing marriage” and “wanted to get caught… [Sandra] had her suspicions, but, you know, I lied, and lied my way out of it,” he said. “I lied to everyone about everything, even to myself.”

That’s right — he didn’t care what color the baby was. Just so long as it wasn’t a goddamn dirty Jew baby. And you can quote him on that one.

Sandra Bullock’s soon-to-be ex-husband Jesse James will be giving his first public interview since news of his multiple affairs broke earlier this year. Entertainment Tonight says

James is going on the record in a new TV interview with ABC’s “Nightline” on Tuesday, May 25. He’ll answer questions about his marital indiscretions and his time in rehab, [including] why he cheated on his Oscar-winning wife and what role he’ll have in her newly adopted baby son Louis Bardo Bullock’s life.

But nobody on Nightline better refer to him as “the most hated man in America,” because it’s not on his list of Jesse-James-approved insults. According to TMZ

Jesse James he no longer wants to be referred to as a Nazi … or as that dumbass who cheated on Sandra Bullock.

James is making his plea to an L.A. County Superior Court judge, in a case where Jesse is accused of screwing over a clothing company.

In the docs, Jesse asks the judge to exclude any evidence or mention of:

- Jesse’s sexual behavior
- The phrase “most hated man in America” to describe Jesse
- Any mention of the word “nazi” or “nazis” to describe Jesse
- The terms, “monster … skin head … racist … homophobe … prostitute … cheater”
- Bombshell McGee

Also prohibited: the terms “poopyhead,” “baldy,” “the great white way,” and “Kommandant Stinken Püssen.” I just want to know where my lawyer was when I was at recess in the third grade.

24-year old Muslim Christian (?) Rima Fakih beat out 50 other contestants to win the title “Miss USA” on Sunday night, about two hours before pictures of her working a stripper pole at an exotic-dancing competition three years ago hit the interwebs. I’d like to point out that she’s wearing less in the Miss USA pageant than she is on the stripper pole, but apparently whoring for Donald Trump is okay because it’s primetime and Proctor & Gamble sponsored. The Daily Mail says

She was hailed as the shining example of the American dream, a Lebanese-born woman who became the first Muslim Miss U.S.A.

But her victory was already tarnished last night by revelations that she won a pole dancing contest at a strip club in Detroit in 2007. It is not known if organisers of Miss USA were aware of Miss Fakih winning the ‘Stripper 101′ contest at the Coliseum Gentleman’s Club.

Supporters had claimed that her success in the Miss U.S.A. contest showed the true face of Arab Americans at a time when they have come under the spotlight over attempted terror attacks.

I know I already told you about this whole “Miss USA stripper scandal” in the quickies yesterday, but I didn’t get the chance to say what I really wanted to say about the dangers of assigning worth to a title so inconsequential and making a pageant queen the poster child for the “true face of the Arab-American.” That is: the great thing about Muslim chicks is that they’re already on their knees five times a day anyway. High five! Yeeeah, baby! You see why I couldn’t let a gem like that go to waste.

The first whore to surface in the Tiger Woods sex scandal is going to let the whole world see where Tiger put his pee-pee. I just hope for their sake both her parents are already dead. TMZ says

Rachel Uchitel has signed a deal to get naked for Playboy Magazine.

A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks.

I don’t care how many call girls and mistresses responsible for bringing down high-profile marriages Hugh Hefner puts on the cover of his magazine, it still doesn’t change the fact that in this day and age, Playboy is virtually obsolete. There’s still the merchandising and the reality shows and the image is still marketable, yes, but the days of guys driving to the store to buy soft-core porno mags are over. It’s called “the internet.” You might have heard of it. Al Gore invented it a few years back. No one in their right mind is gonna pay six bucks to stare at a bowl of plain airbrushed noodles when they could have an entire all-you-can-masturbate double penetration buffet. In this economy, people want to get the most bang for their buck.

Doing whore stuff in Paris:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Miley Cyrus does her best slutty vulture/medieval peacock/Britney Spears impression in her latest video “Can’t Be Tamed.” I guess footage of her beating Hannah Montana with a lead pipe got kinda redundant after the first two minutes. The Daily Mail says

Taking cues from Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, the young singer parades around in hotpants and plunging corsets as she puts on a brief pole-dancing show.

Miley hinted that the video mirrors her desire to break out of the constraints of playing her squeaky clean Disney character.

She said: ‘[The song] is about [me wanting] to be free and do what I love. I want to make the movies or make the music I want. It’s not a new Miley, its just a new part of me.

There’s nothing in the video for me that I wouldn’t be proud for my family to see. I think they can all watch it.”

Yep, my daddy loves to watch me pole-dancin’. On account of us bein’ from Tennessee and all. Y’all wouldn’t understand with yer fancy “book-learnin’” and “incest laws” and what-not, but real love don’t know no bounds. That’s how come I don’t never wear a belt.

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