Scarlett Johansson was on “The Late Show with David Letterman” the night before last, and while her teeth looked plenty gross at the premiere of “We Bought a Zoo,” they looked even more disgusting with all the lipstick that was smeared all over them throughout the entire interview. She looks like somebody’s effing grandma. All she’s missing is some creamed corn on her floral print blouse and the faint scent of Bengay and baby powder.

I bet Scarlett Johansson slows down traffic when she smiles, but not for the reason she thinks. You could butter a whole loaf of bread with those teeth.

At the premiere of “We Bought a Zoo” with Matt Damon last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Interview magazine has Scarlett Johansson doing the semi-androgynous S&M thing on the cover of their December issue. Apparently Scarlett Johansson can get away with leather lederhosen, but when I wear something like that it’s “indecent exposure” and I get maced.

Scarlett Johansson was photographed smoking a joint between takes while on location in Scotland for her new film ‘Under the Skin.’ I assume from the way she’s dressed that it’s a movie about Missy Elliot’s twin white sister or a woman who turned one of those bite suits they use to train police dogs into a successful canine protection outerwear line. Either way, I won’t be seeing it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Scarlett Johansson opens up about those hacked nude photos that surfaced online back in September in next month’s Vanity Fair magazine. The Daily Mail says:

Miss Johansson, 26, has explained that she sent [the photos] to her former husband, Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds.

‘Those are old, from three years ago,’ she told the magazine. ‘They were sent to my husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.

‘It’s not like I was shooting a porno – although there’s nothing wrong with that either.’

She even joked that they showed her in a flattering light because ‘I know my best angles’.

Did she just hint at a possible sex tape? Because it sounds like she was hinting at a possible sex tape. The little cricket on the poster at the library says if we believe hard enough, we can make it happen!

A new pic of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow in the upcoming Avengers movie hit the interwebs today, so in honor of my fellow fanboys, I’m passing it along to you. Even if the angle in the picture makes it look like a still from a damn hemorrhoid commercial. Like they’d say, “Hemorrhoids got you feeling like this?” and then cut to that image, then close in on a tube a tube of ointment being held in a gloved hand and then back to Scarlett, who’s now smiling confidently because her asshole is no longer on fire. It really kinda ruins the whole boner-factor altogether.

Since those (now removed) nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked Wednesday, her camp has been on the war-path to have the culprit tracked down and prosecuted, and have called the FBI in on the hunt. Says TMZ,

The scofflaws who hacked Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone … and then leaked several nude pics — are in the crosshairs of the FBI, and we’re told the Feds already know the identity of the main culprit.

TMZ broke the story … Scarlett contacted the FBI yesterday after the pics — one which features her bare breasts and another showcasing her behind — were leaked to several websites.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the FBI is “honing in” on the group of hackers and know the identity of at least one of them — and we’re told it’s the ringleader.

Our sources say the hackers have done their dirty work on the cell phones of other celebs, including Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Alba, Lindsey Vonn, Ali Larter and Emma Caulfield.

It’s nice to know that the FBI is there to protect us from the terrifying threat of boobies. Now I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I’m not going to be pummeled in my sleep by a devious set of breasts. Actually, I’m not worried about that happening, it’s more like hoping.

With Taiwanese actress Shu Qi at a Moët & Chandon event in Shanghai:

Sorry for the delay in posts yesterday, but there was a website melt-down over those nude Scarlett Johansson pictures (now removed–hey, we prize our kneecaps). Well, if the interwebs are going to go down in a blaze of glory, I say there’s no nobler way to perish. However, the news has also come out that Mila Kunis’ cell phone has also been hacked. The Daily Mail says:

Just hours after nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson swept the internet – making her the victim of an unknown cell phone hacker – it appears that Mila Kunis has become the next target.

Several pictures have been leaked, reportedly taken on the actresses cell phone, showing her Friends With Benefits co-star Justin Timberlake in several compromising situations.

According to U.S website TMZ, the pictures show a shirtless Justin lying on a bed and in one he is wearing a pair of pink knickers on his head.

Another shot shows Mila in the bath, but all that is visible is her head.

The final shot is a highly explicit image of an unconfirmed male.

The hacker also released several text message conversations, claimed to be between Mila and Justin.

The couple, who shot the film over a period of several months at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, have long denied the rumours that they became intimate during filming.

Mila was apparently the smarter of the two women, knowing the dangers of keeping nude photos of yourself on your own phone. That’s exactly why I never keep nude self-portraits of myself on my phone. I prefer to send them to everyone else to keep on their phones. That way, a hacker wouldn’t know where to look. Brilliant, isn’t it?

Shots from next month’s FHM South Africa:

Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone was hacked back in March, and there were rumors nekkid pictures were forthcoming. Well, here they are. Enjoy Scarlett’s nipples and ass crack for the next .05 seconds, which is how long it will take before her lawyers threaten to break my kneecaps and make me take them down.

UPDATE: The fuzz got to us, so we had to take the pictures down.

Pig-face Scarlett Johansson and her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds might have just gotten divorced, but that hasn’t stopped them from going on dates together. The Daily Mail says:

They’ve only been divorced for five weeks, but it seems Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson have already had a change of heart.

The once happy couple were spotted having an intimate meal together last month in Los Angeles.

The two have reportedly been in constant contact since then.

I think the reason they split in the first place was because of all their differences. Like how she went to market and he stayed home. And how she was always having roast beef while he was having none.

Ryan with Sandra Bullock at the premiere of “Change Up”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Despite the mega-cheesy video montage, Sgt. Dustin L. Williams didn’t have near the luck that his fellow soldiers had when he asked Scarlett Johansson to be his date to the Marine Corps Ball in November. Daily Mail says:

In his video invitation, Williams is seen in a montage, lacing up his boots and buckling up his uniform to the sound track of Eye Of The Tiger, which then segways into Stayin’ Alive.

Johansson, 26, commended the Marine, [saying] ‘Not only does Sgt. Williams deserve recognition for his bravery, selflessness and dedication to the United States and its people, but he also displays a cheeky talent for filmmaking.’

‘Unfortunately, due to prior commitments I will not be able to attend the Ball with you this year. But I am sending you a case of Moet and Chandon with gratitude. In my absence, I raise a glass to you and all the men and women of the U.S. Marine Corps, past and present, in thanks for your continued commitment to preserving the safety of our nation.’

If you’re going to turn down a member of the Armed Forces, sending a crate of champagne in your stead is definitely the way to go. After all, the only thing soldiers love more than whores is booze. And probably penicillin.

Outtakes from an Esquire photoshoot back in 2005:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Fresh off her stint boinking that old dude with the pickled face, Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be doing the dirty with Justin Timberlake. How does Justin feel about old man sloppy seconds? Not too bad, apparently. Says Digital Spy,

Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson have sparked rumors of a romance with a “touchy feely” public display.

The A-list pair were spotted sharing drinks at New York club Kenmare earlier this week and, according to The Sun, ended the night together at the Bad Teacher star’s apartment.

“They were very touchy feely and sat close to one another in a VIP booth along with a few other pals,” a source claimed.

“They hardly looked at their mates when they went to dance because they were so into one another. Contact seemed very natural to the both of them.”

Johansson is also said to have been spotted hitching a ride home with Timberlake’s driver the following morning, still wearing her party clothes.

Timberlake confirmed the end of his relationship to Jessica Biel back in March, while Johansson split with Sean Penn earlier this month.

It’s a good thing she broke up with Penn. I mean, it can really damage a girl’s sense of life and vitality when you start getting catalogs in the mail that have adult bibs and cushioned toilet seat covers. Trust me, I know. Don’t ask how I know. I just. DO.

On the set of The Avengers, once again proving the miraculous power of makeup and hairstylists: