Scarlett Johansson is only moderately pretty. Scarlett Johansson is a lousy actress. Scarlett Johansson has a total pig nose. So how is it that she came to be known as a Hollywood sex symbol, despite all these obvious flaws? Easy. It’s that inexplicable something — that certain “je ne sais quoi” — that only Scarlett possesses. “Je ne sais quoi” from the French meaning “ginormous boobies bouncy bouncy bazongas brrrrrreasteses.” I find people take you a lot more seriously when you say that in its native tongue.

16 year old Scartlett in September 2001:

Scarlett Johansson showed off her new rock at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala last night, confirming her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds. So when’s the big date, you ask? Well, there isn’t one. According to OK! Magazine

“Scarlett doesn’t want to get married anytime soon,” says an insider. “So expect it to be a long engagement.”

The Lost in Translation star’s reluctance to walk down the aisle had been a source of tension between the couple, so they came up with a compromise — “Get engaged now, and worry about the wedding down the road.”

So she doesn’t want to actually get married — she just has an album that conveniently drops in two weeks. What an Ashlee Simpson-style coincidence! Beside, all that boning Woody Allen to convince people she’s a credible actress probably wouldn’t sit too well with a husband. Husbands have serious hang-ups about what you do with your vagina. It’ll be all “I know the doctor said no sex after the c-section, but what about the butt?” this and “See, it’s a coupon for a free Brazilian bikini wax!” that. Trust me, that stuff starts to get old real quick.

In Dolce and Gabbana:

Here’s the first single from Scarlett Johansson’s un-anticipated album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” — a cover of Tom Waits’ classic “Falling Down.” It sounds like she set the mic on echo effect and did her best Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” impression. It’s great if you’re into staccato machinized bleating. Otherwise, not so much. And if you happen to be a fan of staccato machinized bleating, you should really invest in a Murchland vacuum goat milker. It’s the Rolls-Royce of late 19th century milking machines! Available at Ephraim Buzzleworth’s Feed & Seed and other fine retailers circa 1892.

55 seconds is insufferable enough, but you can watch it in its entirety here.

Those rumors that Tom Cruise “auditioned” several Hollywood actresses before choosing Katie Holmes to be his wife have actually been confirmed by a former high-ranking Scientologist. Female First says

[Scientology promotional films producer Marc Headley] reveals, “[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise’ [and] put out a casting call to female actresses saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s. But in the end no movie was made.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses… but they were all rejected. Then they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait. When she found out [the "audition"] was [being held] at the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out. So they worked the audition bit on Katie and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

That’s like thinking you’re the most awesome player on the kickball team ever but then finding out that the captain actually chose you last. And not only did he choose you last, but that the other team took both the smelly kid and the fat kid with the skin condition so they wouldn’t be stuck with you.

Scarlett Johansson arrived at premiere of her new movie “The Other Boleyn Girl” in London yesterday with one of the gayest-looking tattoos I’ve ever seen. And right in the middle of her forearm, too, so there’s no hiding it unless she’s in long-sleeves or maybe a Technicolor Dreamcoat. I suppose it’s better than something trite like a Playboy bunny or a yin-yang, but it’s still pretty fucking lame. And then that got me to thinking — what are the lamest tattoos out there? The top ten lamest, to be exact?

10. Any Asian symbols or characters. You might think they stand for some profound Eastern philosophy when they really probably say “Kung Pao Chicken” or “I take it in the ass” in Korean.

9. Grateful Dead dancing bears. What a long, clichéd trip it’s been.

8. The Comedy/Tragedy Masks — comedy for us, tragedy for you

7. Anything with a wolf or predatory cat

6. Yosemite Sam “Back Off!”

5. Thug Life — unless you’re Tupac, you unoriginal bastard

4. Tribal arm bands. Sorry, you’ve now joined the ranks of Nick Lachey. Not cool.

3. Tribal arm band with dream catcher. Even gayer than the original.

2. Portraits of anyone. This goes double for portraits of Jesus with a crown of thorns.

1. Encrypted floor plans for a maximum security prison housing your wrongfully accused brother

Scarlett Johansson brought out the big guns this weekend for the marines stationed at Kuwait’s Camp Buehring. Unlike other celebrities who can’t even be bothered to give a buck to the homeless guy standing next to their car, Scarlett will be spending the next four days in the Gulf region as part of the USO tour. In other Scarlett news, rumor has it that she has gotten engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds. The Post Chronicle says

The ‘Lost in Translation’ actress, who has been dating Ryan for almost a year, is said to be smitten with the ‘Smokin’ Aces’ star and has accepted his marriage proposal. A source said: “We can expect an engagement announcement from Ryan and Scarlett any day now. They are very much in love and have decided to take the next step. Scarlett is thrilled!”

Whatever. I’m just impressed she’s braving the globe’s asshole to bring her special kind of talent (re: rhymes with “moobs”) to the marines stuck over there for the next year and a half. Sure, some of them have stared death in the face and lost limbs and been burned and disfigured beyond recognition in the name of American oil interests, but nothing lifts the blanket of impotent despair like chick with a big rack and no burqa or a mustache. In fact, I hear the only thing that marines like better than famous knockers is famous knockers with orders to Kaneohe Marine Corps Air Station Hawaii taped to them. Also acceptable: liquor and porn. Let’s all do our part for the boys overseas!

Scarlett Johansson is lashing out against tabloid giant Us Weekly for their cover story alleging the actress underwent a nose job. Her rep tells OK! Magazine

“US Weekly’s cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication. Not surprisingly, US magazine cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an “expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what “might” have been done. It wasn’t.”

And Scarlett herself has this to say to OK!:

“I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly.”

“Plus, I work really hard at my craft!” she continued as she climbed up on the trampoline and pulled off her shirt. Her agent nodded in agreement as he handed her the jump rope, adding “People respect her for her talent!” Then he winked at me and held his hands out in front of his chest and made honking sounds.

Scarlett on the set of “He’s Just Not That Into You” last month:

Today, I saw a guy drooling in front of the local newsstand, which has the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine spread all over the place. This month’s issue has Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson posing nude on the cover. When I approached to give the guy a Kleenex, my head bumped against the window. Then I realized that guy was me.