Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not:

Less than a year after they wed in secret, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might already be headed for splitsville. According to Fox News

[The couple has been overheard arguing frequently]… the most heated occurred last week, as they were about to depart for San Diego’s Comic Con sci-fi convention [where Scarlett was to] discuss her new role as Black Widow in “Iron Man 2″ and Ryan [his lead role] in [Warner Brothers] “Green Lantern.” An insider [says] “they got in a huge fight just before they were going to Comic Con. It caused such a rift between them that Ryan refused to attend the conference and he told Scarlett she could go alone. She got so angry she threatened to take off her wedding band.”

The conference continued as normal, with a notably absent Ryan missing from the Warner Brothers panel. The company had planned on debuting major plans for the new superhero movie, and now [the] insider says Ryan has “angered the executives.”

I don’t know what to think here. Are they suggesting that living on different coasts for nine months of the year and pretending to be in love with someone else 17 hours a day for those nine months of year isn’t good for a fledgling marriage? Well, you know what they say — love is patient, love is kind, love does not steal your fucking thunder at a press junket. Amen.

Looking foxy as hell at Comic-Con:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

Attention fanboys everywhere: first pictures of Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow in the new Iron Man sequel are here! The Soviet-trained femme fatale’s main mission in the movie is of course seducing Tony Stark, but she’s not all bad, you know. In fact, in the comics, the Black Widow actually becomes one of the Avengers herself and helps run S.H.I.E.L.D. when Tony Stark is presumed dead during the Superhero Civil War, right before she rescues future Captain America Bucky Barnes from the Red Skull’s minions during the current Skrull invasion. By the way, just knowing that cuts your chances of getting laid nearly in half. If you’re not already living in your mother’s basement and watching Battlestar Galactica, I probably should have warned you before you started reading.

Oldie but goodie Esquire pics:

Megan Fox tells Esquire magazine that she doesn’t want to be anything like Scarlett Johansson, but not because Scarlett Johansson’s fat and has a pig face like you’d assume. Megan said

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against — but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want… to do that.”

She’s absolutely right, you know. Women don’t have to use big words to prove their intellectual worth. That’s why they have boobs. Case closed!

In next month’s Esquire:

Walking around Hollywood licking her lips for no apparent reason;

Scarlett Johansson is on the April 2009 cover of Vogue Paris, looking like she could fall asleep at any second as the magazine labels her “The Anti-Marilyn” (as in Monroe).

Whatever, France.  Marilyn Monroe may have been a bipolar pill popping floozy, but she was at least 763% more interesting and charismatic than stupid dumb Scarlett Johansson.  The only things ScarJo has going for her are a fantastic rack and a smokin’ husband.  From the neck up, she’s usually at least eight kinds of hot mess, and every time she opens her mouth she somehow manages to be both completely jackassy and intensely boring at the same time.  Also, nobody wants to be this familiar with her nostrils.  Knock it off, France.  Go do something useful.  Make me some brie.  With sliced strawberries.  And those tiny toast crackers that taste kinda like unseasoned croutons.  Jesus, I’m starving.  Fix it, France!  Lazy bastards.

The real Marilyn:

I don’t want to alarm you, but it seems that actress Scarlett Johansson has gone over to the dark side. Not the kind of dark side where you pledge allegiance to a Sith Lord and channel your rage and hate in an attempt to rule the galaxy, but the kind of dark side where you dye your hair brown because you want to be taken seriously as an actress. It’s funny how a little hair color can change your entire persona, isn’t it? With her old blond hair, she was a “siren” and a “sex kitten” and “completely unapproachable,” but with her new brown ‘do, she’s “dumpy” and “vaguely familiar, like that fat chick that sat next to you in art class freshman year.” Scarlett really would have been better off perfecting her light saber skills and focusing inwardly on her own power.

Scarlett (and Jennifer Aniston) at the premiere of “He’s Just Not That into You” last night:

Scarlett Johansson looked… different at the premiere of “The Spirit” in Hollywood yesterday. Her hair’s darker and her tits have mysteriously disappeared, proving once again that marriage ruins everything. Two wrongs don’t making a right, you know. But three rights make a left. Something to think about the next time you’re tripping balls.

Back in January of 2006, Lindsay Lohan reportedly scrawled “Scarlett Johansson is a cunt,” in sharpie on the bathroom wall of a New York City nightclub. And two years later, Scarlett is finally ready to talk about it. MSNBC reports

“I really don’t know [Lindsay]. I only met her, like, three times,” Johansson told Allure magazine.

As for the stall-scrawl incident, Johansson said in the December issue, “I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”

Ah, the bathroom stall disparaging! A fail-safe when TP-ing her locker or tripping her in the cafeteria isn’t an option. I’d still watch your back if I were you, Scarlett. And also maybe your husband’s front. The only thing that makes penises disappear faster than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina is Lorena Bobbitt and a carving knife.

Candids from the Allure photoshoot:

Actress Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market, at least for the next, oh, year and a half, tops. According to Us Weekly

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are now husband and wife, her rep has confirmed to Usmagazine.com.The wedding took place Saturday evening at a remote wilderness resort outside Vancouver. Guests included Scarlett’s mother, Melanie Sloan, and her brother, Adrian Johansson.

How rustic and quaint! A wilderness wedding. I get it. The becoming one with nature as they become one with each other and stuff. I would now like to offer my congratulations with a heartfelt toast. Hang on, what’s Canadian for “pretentious asswipes” again?

Scarlett in the August issue of Gloss Magazine:

Scarlett Johansson is only moderately pretty. Scarlett Johansson is a lousy actress. Scarlett Johansson has a total pig nose. So how is it that she came to be known as a Hollywood sex symbol, despite all these obvious flaws? Easy. It’s that inexplicable something — that certain “je ne sais quoi” — that only Scarlett possesses. “Je ne sais quoi” from the French meaning “ginormous boobies bouncy bouncy bazongas brrrrrreasteses.” I find people take you a lot more seriously when you say that in its native tongue.

16 year old Scartlett in September 2001:

Scarlett Johansson showed off her new rock at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala last night, confirming her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds. So when’s the big date, you ask? Well, there isn’t one. According to OK! Magazine

“Scarlett doesn’t want to get married anytime soon,” says an insider. “So expect it to be a long engagement.”

The Lost in Translation star’s reluctance to walk down the aisle had been a source of tension between the couple, so they came up with a compromise — “Get engaged now, and worry about the wedding down the road.”

So she doesn’t want to actually get married — she just has an album that conveniently drops in two weeks. What an Ashlee Simpson-style coincidence! Beside, all that boning Woody Allen to convince people she’s a credible actress probably wouldn’t sit too well with a husband. Husbands have serious hang-ups about what you do with your vagina. It’ll be all “I know the doctor said no sex after the c-section, but what about the butt?” this and “See, it’s a coupon for a free Brazilian bikini wax!” that. Trust me, that stuff starts to get old real quick.

In Dolce and Gabbana: